I took a leave of absence for a little while, but I'm back now. In this letter we spoke about the meaning I have in his life. How special I am to him. At this point we were still hesitant about our feelings because well let's face it he's in prison! It was a mutual hesitation! We also spoke on the ideas of tattoos he wants. I always find myself laughing. Bagherra is an amazing artist, but some of his tattoo ideas seem crazy to me! Anyways, I have 3 quotes today!
"You once wrote “that Italian sounds like a keeper”, I never doubted you and these past few months have been amazing."
Sensitivity is common amongst all human beings. We are all capable for harbouring feelings and making connections. Those who push away are not weak, they are just waiting for the right person to come along. That was me in my past. I pushed away from everyone close to me. A lot of the time I didn't know how to cope with my feelings. Most feelings turned into anger. I bottled all the good and unleashed the bad. I've lost many people in my life to my methods. Everyone always questioned why I didn't allow them to see this other side of me. My father always told me I would know when it's right to unleash and I would always know when to hold back. With Bagherra I found myself opening up. It felt the right thing to do. I was comfortable and I trusted him. This was very hard on my part. I've never opened up to anyone before in my past. By allowing myself to open up I opened up a whole different world. I begun to see things I had never seen before. I used to think it is a weakness to allow someone to know my sensitive side. However my views have changed, it doesn't make you weak. It makes you strong, let me explain. When we confide in others we begin to see them in a different life. We go past appearances. We see what this person is made of. Being able to tell someone your horror stories lift the burden off of you. It doesn't erase the memories, it just makes it easier to know someone cares enough to talk it out with you. This is why what Bagherra and I share is so special and why we are so special to one another.
"I don’t blame you for being afraid but admire your strength because it’s never easy to live this way! Babe it eats me up inside to see such lovely green eyes yet something missing. Under different circumstances I wouldn’t hesitate once to assure you that you are the woman for me and I the man for you…"
I feel like I'm back tracking. In all honesty this letter was one to jerk at my heart strings. It crushed me to know I found such an amazing man, but the circumstance were set for failure. How many prison relationships truly work? How many woman really ride it out with there men? How many men stay with their women when they get free? Statistically the numbers are low. However there is a small portion that truly make it work. Many of us are hesitant to try something like this because of those statistics. For the most part I've always been on my own. I've always depended solely on myself. My strength was also my weakness. I never wanted to depend on someone, but depending on someone isn't a burden, it's a gift. Being with someone is hard to maintain, but it's that feeling knowing no matter how alone you feel, your not. Bagherra always believed the only reason we couldn't be together is because he couldn't protect me from where he is. This is true, I deal with my life day to day because I have no idea what tomorrow brings with all these appeals and all these struggles. Not having daily contact or phone calls makes this relationship hard. Being hesitant is not a weakness. It's looking at what others have been through and seeing if you can go through these same things. Throw the statistics away and ask yourself "how do I make this work", because at the end of that day what you share with your loved ones is different than what the next person may share with them.
"Babe I was thinking since you and I both like to have the last word how in the world would our relationship ever work!!! And after long hours of thinking I came up with a solution! Hermosa with me by your side you will always have the last word… as long as it is 'yes babe whatever you say'"
I'm laughing as I read this. Bagherra and I are both very stubborn people. We are not afraid to face a fight, but we both always want the last word. This can cause tension I am sure, but in all truth for the most part Bagherra and I have been in very few fights and we usually find a way to work them out. Bickering is part of life, so in arguing, but it makes your relationship strong. I will not sit here and pretend things are perfect, because right now they aren't. I will say just because we are bickering doesn't mean all my love for this man gets thrown out the window. I addressed the problem and now I am moving forward, if he chooses to let this being us down then we will face that too. This is all a part of any normal relationship too. There should always be boundaries. Above all else that person should be able to make you feel all the emotions life can offer. It doesn't matter the circumstances, even out here in the free world we face difficulties in relationships and sometimes they don't always work out. I've had a few relationships that ended sour and I've lost many people over my temper. I love that Bagherra can joke about things like this. It's an eye opener to know someone that knows your temper and accepts it.
I have "hot blood" too many people mistake my temper and rage for bipolar disorder. When in all truth us Italians are VERY passionate people. One minute we will throw dishes at your head and the next minute we will stitch up your wounds and kiss them better. It's who I am. I don't allow fights to bring me down and I rarely hold grudges. If you are in a relationship with a inmate or even considering it, listen to me, DO NOT ALLOW THE LITTLE THINGS TO GET TO YOU. They will tear you apart. It's hard to resolve things through letters and trust is not easier held onto. If your gut instinct tells you something is wrong you need to go off of it. Too many people get played, both on this side of the bars and on the other. We all have fears in life, but the only way to get over the fear is to face it head on. Be calm about it, take a couple days to mull it over, never cause unnecessary drama and take it a day at a time. Being with someone in prison takes trust to a whole new level. If you have trust issues this is not for you. We write to mean and women behind bars to be a light in the dark. We are not there to bring them down and eat them alive. Everyone says stupid shit and it's hard to tell sarcasm from normal talking through pen and paper. Today's word of the day is TRUST. I know I've used this word before but I believe it to be a word of the day everyday! To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved. Always trust those around you and learn to trust yourself. At the end of the day you'll weed out those whom cause you grief and move forward with life a little more positive.
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