I'm off the walls about the letters I've been lacking and I've been slow on posting... So I'll try to make up for it now. Let's get to the break down before the quotes and my never ending ranting... We spoke about how many people (especially those on the outside with family/lovers on the inside) tend to exaggerate how they think inmates are being treated. My man is housed in the most disgusting unit there is and had very few privileges. He minimizes it and tells me he's not doing it, but in a way it helps. He let me in more of his family and their history. By this point Bagherra and I were truly getting to know one another. Our trust for one another was fully developed and we allowed each other to let go with no fears, not holding anything back. I only have 2 quotes today...
"Tinkerbell in you last letter you asked if given the opportunity to visit anywhere at this moment I’ll visit you! I’ll love to find out what is between us! Would you truly be interested in a man like me if I were free! Could I truly make you smile and blush and would we stand together even though nobody else believes? However on my way back I’ll be stopping in (I'll leave this part out for his family) to visit my family and share with my mother either my joy or sadness!"
Ever letter we dedicate a section to answering questions. This answer was maybe what I was looking for when I asked the question. Being sensitive is no weakness, at least not in my eyes. The course of our letters changed, and as you can see each letter got a little more intense. If you write to someone and doesn't want these types of conversation, I will give you some advice, when you begin to see the conversation change then stop your pen pal and express you don't want this. For those of you that do, don't rush. Never rush something. Half the excitement of this was watching it all build up and as I go back through my letters I feel it all over again. Falling in love is the best emotion you can feel. This is what makes the hard parts of this relationship worth it. It's not about feeling "good" or having a "sexual" driven relationship, it's about being honest with one another, truly saying how you are feeling. I knew at that point that if he was to come knocking at my door I would gladly open it with a smile on my face and welcome him in. We all feel some sort of attachment to our pen pals behind bars. Some are just friends you feel close to that you can tell anything to, and others mean so much more to us. I truly believe these types of relationships are if you believe you can do this or not. Some people stand against it and aren't open minded to it. Now there is a quote in the quote I want to briefly touch on. Bagherra said "and would we stand together even though nobody else believes?", it's amazing how many people are stuck on stupid. Yes, my man have may gang tattoos, including under his eye and on the back of his head, SO WHAT? Does that mean he can't feel like the rest of us? Does that mean we need to feel "sorry" for him or be scared? No it doesn't it means he was a boy at some point in his life and ended up running with a gang. So is he still a boy running with a gang? No he's now a man with a family that wants nothing more than to see this work out for the both of us, to have a life together, or as he said "see what's really between us". At this point we were still hesitant on what we should do from here and where we should go. We took our time deciding, which is why I believe this works so well.
"You didn’t take me for a crazy man for falling in love with Ariel but simply understood me and for that alone I will always be grateful!!!!!!!!!!"
I knew Bagherra always had an attachment to Ariel, since the very beginning. It's amazing how much such a small person can effect someones life. Let's face it, a child is the most innocent being on this planet. Life happens so fast that sometimes we forget to stop and look at the most important things, my daughter changed my life when I had her, the same thing happened with Bagherra. I don't think it's crazy for him to feel love for a child, even if it's my child. From that day on she was no longer just mine. Ariel was his too. I felt comfortable enough to share not only my life with him, but hers as well. I don't want to touch on this subject too much, but I will say this. Parenting from Prison is no joke. Thousands of inmates do it everyday. Some never did have children and regret it. Children can be a touchy subject, never hold back, let it all go. Although they may not claim them like Bagherra did, they will understand that a child is not something to joke about, nor share with anyone else. He doesn't share her, and rarely shares me with anyone. We must remember that Prison is still a Shark Tank. Something as little as a girlfriend or a child can set off a feud that could end someones life. We allow inmates into our lives to help them forget about their surrounds, for many we are second chances to hold a normal life.
Everyone has an agenda in life. My agenda before Bagherra was to focus on raising Ariel alone, to make it easier on me I decided not to date. I didn't want to date because after my ex I was turned away from it. It's amazing how many men run scared when you have a baby, even when your married! Not all people are cut out to be parents, nor are they perfect parents. I stand up for the men and women behind bars that still parent. It's difficult to say the least. How would you feel if you had to watch your child grow through photos? Would you be comfortable with sharing your child with an inmate? If you're not opened minded, please keep in mind many of these inmates are parents themselves, that they know the love you have for your child. It's not always as it seems. Some inmates I wouldn't trust with my daughter, but I am okay with letting them know I have a child. Bagherra is the only inmate I will ever send a photo of her to. I don't believe just because I share that information with them that they should be able to share all my joy with me, so I keep the photos and her activities to myself. With Bagherra it felt different, it felt right. Everyone has lines, and borders, many don't allow people to cross that and it's okay to be like that. I've never had a pen pal as long as I have with Bagherra. I can't say I wouldn't open up after so long with them, but I still couldn't see myself sending a photo of Ariel to them.Always keep an open mind when writing to some one and go with your gut instinct. Don't do anything you are not feeling comfortable with. Always have some plan of action if something does arise. They will understand do know what the word no means. Inmates aren't bad people, they do have a sense of reality and they do know that people have limits and breaking points. Don't turn away from something so stupid. Turn away if they don't stop and your not comfortable anymore.
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