This post will be longer than most because I want to touch on 4 quotes from this letter. This was the first I received after the holidays. We spoke about life and the past. How we got to where we are today and what has changed in us since childhood. How our mentality is on a different level than just a few years ago.
"Tinkerbell you’re a woman that a man like me would has easily fallen in love with on the streets, a woman who’s company I would had very much enjoyed and temperament eased. That woman who I could had spent my life with. Now, now, now, please do not feel uncomfortable! Herein I am not confessing a feeling nor in any way trying to twist our friendship! Basically what I am saying “is that you” the woman who I’m getting to know through this pen and paper is somebody who I truly believe I would had loved to meet under different circumstances."
Do we need more proof that these men/woman locked up feel just as we do? Do the bars that separate us truly make that much of a difference? Who are we to sit here and think they do not? Now just as Bagherra said, he was not confessing a feeling, but he was getting the point across that I am not like anyone else and that he does feel for me. Sometimes through pen and paper we find ourselves going into deep explanations, we do this because we have no other way. If I write something that Bagherra may not understand I break it down for him and tell him everything I want to say. With this quote reality hits me hard. Every time I read it, it's like a slap back down to earth... 36 years to life... That's all I can think about. Here it goes, we met, through a pen pal site online... Not a dating site, just simply people looking for people to write to. A friendship. Now for all the woman/men who say "I don't want to have a relationship like this woman", let me let you in on a secret... You can write and just be friends. Think of it as someone you can share you whole life with and know at the end of the day they will never judge you. They will honest, trust worthy and real. What more do we want in a friend? Sometimes, even out here we fall for our friends, it happens. This line is when my life changed. I was terrified that I would have to let him go, I tried to push away and I couldn't. I didn't feel trapped... No, that wasn't it. I felt the same. Never before in my life had I. I was truly blind... This reminds me of a another quote not by Bagherra, but a quote none the less "The only thing worse than being blind is having sight and no vision." Bagherra opened my eyes to another part of life. A part that wanted to see where this lead.
"Tinkerbell you’re a woman whos been through a whole lot! I can only admire the fact that life, struggle, and pain has only made you stronger! Being that today you live your life without feeling the need to hold up a guard speaks highly of you! Many girls under similar circumstances or who’ve live half of what you’ve been through would had lost themselves."
Years ago I battled cervical cancer, twice. I explained this to him and how I felt going through my chemo and radiation. I remember them telling me I'd never be a mother. I'd never have to joy of holding a child, or changing my OWN child's diaper. Today I have a healthy and beautiful baby girl. Now, I don't know how many of you are religious... I am. I'm Roman Catholic and I attend Church every Sunday. I do believe in miracles and I believe that when they are given you take advantage of it. You use it to your strength and if you have no strengths you find some. We all must have a will to conquer, to move forward and take each breath with a blessing. I never lost myself in pity, drugs, drinking(although I battled with constantly being drunk, okay I was an alcoholic), nor did I find myself in the arms of every man that held them out ready to catch me. I fell and I fell hard onto my own two feet. I over came struggle, pain and nightmares. I am no longer worried when I get my 6 month pap, or when they say "We'll Tink, your cells are high, we need more exams", because I know I'm strong enough to pull through. I've always pulled through on my own. I don't have to do that anymore. Bagherra is always there to catch me when I fall, and I'm okay with that. We are both very strong willed peopled. We both believe the less involved the better, makes everything easier. For him to understand the pain and how many girls would have reaction shows to me that he understands me on a whole new level. He's taken the time to get to know me. He's taken the time to care.
"Tinkerbell I’m far from being any womans ideal man! But always bare in mind that with me you’ve found somebody to hold you, who’ll never be judgmental, a man who you can trust and share with: frustrations, smiles, good times and bad, fantasies and all! Someone who with very little time of getting to know you has learned to care for you…"
We find ourselves back at the word CARE again. Call your best friend right now and ask them "do you care for me?" Hell call someone you've known for a short time and ask the same thing. If they say yes then it's true friendship. Prison doesn't change your ability to have friends. Nor does it block you off from having them. If anything you find true friends, people who don't want to go do drugs, drink and rob somebody. They want to see you do well and will encourage you at any cost to fulfill your dreams. Without hopes and dreams what do we have? We have reality. Every once in a while we need an escape. Writing letters is my escape. It allows me to not worry about offending someone, or disrespecting them, because the conversation is already flowing positive. Usually it's kept like that. Yes, people have disagreements, yes they fight, but they make up and they get stronger. The quote above is why you should write to an inmate. They are so highly appreciative of a simple letter, something people out here don't even bother with anymore. I find when I write I go on about things. I get it all off my chest. I get emotional, I get crazy and I say some things that don't make sense. It's a release of everything stressful and by the end of the letter I feel rejuvenated, ready to face the rest of the day. It's like seeing a shrink except your shrink is in prison and it only costs you about 1.00 every week. These man and woman in prison try to help us, they let us lean on them. However we must not forget to allow them to lean on us too.Every friendship and relationship is a two way street.
"If I was given another opportunity in life honestly I believe that I’m ready for a change of life style! I want a family, a wife and children! A chance to redeem myself with my love ones."
This last quote is the one that means the most from this letter. It is the perfect example of rehabilitation. Not on the prisons part, but on Bagherra's. My man went in a gang banger with no remorse and no feelings. Today he's a gang banger with no remorse for his crime and a ton of feelings. He wants another chance to prove that he can do better than what he was. That's all I want to touch on that quote for now.
Today's word is change. People change, sometimes these changes are horrible and other times people change for the better. The world changes on a daily basis, people die, babies are born and the people in the world are constantly changing. We must accept change. If we do not we will always be at a stand still. We must evolve. The prison system has not evolved. They've become tougher on younger offenders and they have to go on strike for some damn pencil crayons. Unfortunately us with loved ones locked up this becomes frustrating. It's a constant reminder that while the world changes the prison actually moves backward. This is why prisoners need correspondence. How do you change in a system that won't change itself? How do you get up positive when on a daily basis the world is flipped backwards? Should anyone under 20 have to serve their life out because of a mistake made in teen years? Has the system completely forgot about change? Positive change? I know I'm not the only person in this world that thinks about it. Change must eventually come. What's stopping you from changing an inmates life?
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