Within this letter he opened up more about his family, we spoke about an author we both have read, Edward Bunker, whom himself was a convict and he wrote about his adventures as one and how he survived both on the inside and after his release. His sense of humor defiantly showed in this letter. I always find myself feeling through these letters. There defiantly was a bond we had discovered between the two of us by this point. I have two quotes today, however one is much longer than the other so I will be doing them out of order that they appeared on the letter.
"I’m crazy about you! When a man in prison talks to himself, smiles for no reason and begins to see a woman as soon as he closes his eyes that can only mean one thing he’s going crazy! Crazy about you!"
I find this quote rather adorable. Men/women in prison do have all day to come up with things to say, however I do believe they mean every word that they speak. Out here any woman would fall for this line, it's both smooth and sweet. In my case it gave me butterflies. I knew things were changing and for once in my life I just went with it without trying to control the situation. You'll find after a few letters that many of these inmates will show another side of them, a softer side. Remember they live in a place where kindness is a weakness and sensitivities are all but unheard of. They have CO's telling them when they can eat, when they can turn out the lights (in Bagherra's case the lights never go out), and someone to tell them when they can go outside. I truly believe if you are too aggressive with inmate you'll find yourself unwanted and your letters dull. We must open our hearts and minds to these inmates to develop a proper and supportive relationship (always remember when I say relationship I mean both friendship and intimate relationships). We spend so much time judging people by the cover and not giving second chances, it's about time we did. We live in a world where inmates are labeled as the "trash" of society. No one bothers to see the people they really are. They are emotional beings too. They have baggage like the rest of us. We all have problems, no one in this world is perfect. No one ever will be. So don't pretend like you are better than an inmate, yes, we made better life choices but are we better as people because someone tells us we are? Or when it comes down to it are they just as capable as us?
"Not too long ago I caught parts and pieces of a program where they discussed this syndrome you mentioned in your letter. Being that I’m incarcerated I should be defending all the loco ese’s in the penitentiaries and even though that 40% or so of marriages with prisoners do work out or at least do last the feelings grow true I disagree with them!!! Realistically speaking what could a man offer his wife and child from in prison! I had the opportunity to get married when I first came to prison and she thought that I decided not to because I was scared of commitment! There is no such thing as a perfect man especially not here! There is a whole lot of people out there who stand against these types of relationships and marriages! For which you will always hear negativity! If a woman is beautiful and intelligent she’ll hear “but you can do so much better – you deserve more!!!” and if a woman is not so bless! She will hear his only using and taking advantage of you! I believe that is the intentions are sincere this type of marriage can work only with much patience, mental toughness, and understanding each others limits! It’s something that needs a such a strong willingness."
From the beginning Bagherra and I both stood against any type of relationship besides friendship. That's all we could offer each other, or so we thought. He breaks it down simple, this type of relationship is not full of rainbows, butterflies and pots of gold. It's full of pain, hurt and suffering. I don't know how or why any of us do this, but some how we do. Society does not understand the why either. It's a feeling you can not describe. A loneliness that is constant and a thought that lifts you so high you feel as though nothing could bring you down. It's a drug of it's own. It's love, plain and simple. I've always told Bagherra, love makes you do some crazy shxt. I still stand by that today. Love have brought us together and love have carried us to this point. The syndrome I am talking about is The Stockholm Syndrome. If you don't know what it is I'll provide a link so you can look it up yourself... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stockholm_syndrome . They use the term loosely, relationship with a prisoner falls in line with traumatic bonding, where you fall fast and hard, there is also the unavailable aspect of it. Many women and men think it's a "turn on" to be with a man or woman they can not physically have. For those who still do not get it, google Elizabeth Smart. She was held captive by a man and his wife and didn't run away, she formed a type of bond with her captures and felt devoted to them. Now I should be doing what Bagherra said he should be doing and sticking up for people like me. However not all of us are alike. Some of us do have hidden agendas and the only person who hurts in the end is the inmate you play your game on. Let me tell you now... INMATES ARE NOT A GAME, NOR ARE THEY TOYS!!! They are people with feelings and emotions. They form bonds with us and let us in on their lives, do not play them for a fool. Now, some inmates do play this game and I'm sure none will have the chance to read this but I will say to them "Stop taking advantage of woman or men who give you attention, there is more to life, you got yourself in this mess and you can damn well get yourself out". If something doesn't seem right than it probably isn't. Love is very blindly so take in what everyone says, it doesn't mean you have to stand up tall and fight them all off or to even take their advice. They love you and do not want to see you get hurt. Which brings me back to they point of ASKING QUESTIONS when you start to think about being involved. Make sure nothing sounds off to you, or that your not rushing too fast, let the feelings develop and take your time deciding what you do next. Time will never stand still, but for such a huge decision time will be your best friend or worst enemy.
I'm not one for living in a world in my head. I'm not delusional. I understand that Bagherra could spend the rest of his natural life in Prison. I've had a year to deal with this and some way, some how I've found peace with that. Not just because there is still hope. Not just because I love him. It goes beyond that. The word today is CAPABLE. He is capable of taking care of his family from where he is. He is capable of loving with all his heart. He is capable to be patient with me and see this through. All of us are capable of something. We all have some purpose and dreams we want to achieve. I am no different. Yes, my biggest dream is for Bagherra to come home, however my life will move forward. Him and I are capable of seeing this through with both of our lives still moving forward. It takes some time to adjust and to explain to everyone why you no longer date or allow men to hit on you. Eventually you'll weed those out who are a negative influence (all but your family of course), and you'll find something that works for you. Being capable is realistic. We all have something in us somewhere that gets us going, that moves us even when we don't want to. We are determined to be better and to do better. Inmates are as equally capable. They raise families successfully, they bond with friends and lovers and they grow themselves. They get better. Prison walls doesn't not make them less capable, it does break them in certain places, but they rarely ever break completely. Help an inmate reach what they are capable of. You'll be amazed to find they are not so different than you and I.
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