This was another short letter based around our daughter mostly and of the photos I sent him of his forever growing daughter. It's always times like these that make it harder on both of us. He parents from Prison, with no visits and no phone calls. The thought of this drives me off the wall and back. It saddens him how much she grows (she's a very tall baby naturally). It's always a difficult subject, but one we face head on together. I have two small quotes today.
"I must confess I’m loco!! Loco!!! About you, that I realized that things within me are changing as well, I’ve noticed that even at times in how I write to you! I just hope that you don’t allow this to change things between us….."
We kept holding hope that things would slow and that I wouldn't push away. Well needless to say they never did, nor did I expect them too. The road we were travelling was a dangerous and potentially hurtful road, hell it still is, but we chose this. Making a choice like this takes a toll on anyone. The outcome always effects not only us but the ones around us, those that love us must may seem like they "knew it from the start", but what you feel inside is always stronger than those options. I know IF things between Bagherra and I went south that I would forever take a part of him with me. He changed my life and impacted it hugely. He opened up a person inside of me that I hid for years, he allowed me to contradict myself and to develop what I wanted alone. He was never pushy nor did he hide his own feelings. Gradually over the course of this last year things inside of us both started changing rapidly. Things did change between us, but for the better. We no longer held back our feelings nor did we deny them. We just simply chose to live with them and for them. We were not only true to ourselves but true to one another. Honestly goes a long way in life. The web of lies you cast are always found out in the end. Don't ever pretend to be something you are not, especially to an inmate whom reads your letters over and over again. Eventually the inmate will catch onto your game and not want to play it anymore. Never have a hidden agenda or try to be someone your not with an inmate. They are in no way stupid. They develop their own senses of people, we must remember according to the law they are all "cons", so before you play the games remember they more than likely played the games as a younger person. Love is not a toy, nor is a fantasy world okay to live in. Face reality and be straight forward.
"Always remember that the two of you together hold my love – a love that even though written through pen and paper it is true, sincere and capable."
Some people have a hard time believe that us out here can fall for an inmate or that an inmate is capable of these feelings. They are just as we are. When you pour your life into something or someone it shows. For the few little bit I always questioned if this was some sort of game Bagherra played, but the more we wrote the more I knew he was being truthful. He didn't make up his family, or tell me lies about them. He told me truths and about who they are as people. he didn't paint himself or anyone to be a saint and the best man out there, he even says himself he doesn't deserve me after all his mistakes when he was younger, but fact is he has me and what we share is pure. I have never asked him if this was a game, I needed to make my own decisions on what this was. Questioning someone shows you don't trust them, coming to realizations means you built your own feelings and thoughts with no one influencing you. Don't give up some an inmate just because some of us had bad experiences. We've all had that one pen pal... Yes, we all know which one... "But I have no one to support me so if I don't write back it's cause I can't afford to" or the "Send me something to show you love me"... Don't ever fall for those games, and if you do expect to always be treated like that. I've sent 1 thing to Bagherra and he blew up about it and tried to make me promise I'll never send him something again. I never made that promise and were fast approaching his birthday and Christmas. I choose to send things because I want to. I know he will be grateful but pissed off at the same time. He'll get over it. This is pure...
Not all inmates play the love game, no two inmates are the same, but if you get a bad gut feeling about an inmate then go with your gut instinct. If you can not trust them fully you may never trust them at all. Things will only get worse unless you feel 100 percent trusting of them. It works like that out here too. We must trust someone to tell our secrets to, and if they fuck you over then we all know what happens after that. A few nasty texts turns into a few nasty phone calls that turn into a bitch fight to remember. It works the exact same way in Prison except a few words can turn to anger, which can lead to shouting which ultimately leads to stabbings. It seems completely different., however it's not. We use the tools we have out here to fight and they use the tools they have. They don't have the options like we do! There life is so much different then ours. That's why when choosing a pen pal NEVER write two people in the same prison, or if it's a state like California NEVER write two people period. You never know when a picture on a wall of a cell can turn into a death. Be smart about writing, never push nor hold back. I tell Bagherra when I want to write to other people, although he doesn't agree with it he stands beside me regardless. I'm proud of him and to be his, there is no man that can break the bond we have. We are secure in our relationship. Never question whom your with, and if you have to why are you with them period? TRUST is the word of the way. Follow your heart, but be quiet for a while first. Ask questions, then feel the answer. Learn to trust your heart. Always go for what you believe in and never let someone tell you different. You are who you as an individual. Act like one!
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