We spoke a lot about Bagherra before he was in Prison. All the things he can not change and it let me know more about the man he used to be. We talked about all his tattoo's that he wants, which I'm not too crazy about all the ideas and I voiced that, however I told him he's a grown man and can do what he wishes. In this letter he started to get curious about my story, my childhood etc. Quotes...
"Beautiful it’s great to see that you’re beginning to enjoy yourself, to have fun with your writing without having to over think the meaning of each and every word! I once wrote that is speaks highly of you that even though you’ve been through disappointments and hurt many times you do not feel a need to hold up a guard! And because of this I believe it’s given me the opportunity to truly get to know you and hopefully it’s an opportunity for you to be close to a man/friend without feeling the need to push him away."
I love that Bagherra won't ever bitch at me for being open to him, whether it's from a fight I've been in , or if I'm just feeling blah. I explain to him how I am feeling and why I am feeling that way. He has truly become the one person I always turn to, the one person I can lay all my worries on and he'll come at me with a joke about it. It makes me feel much better to know that he does pay attention. Most people will be okay to your face and then forget about it, or start nasty rumors, this is a part of life. Bagherra will give me space and a few letters later bring it up to see where I stand on the subject. I'm always second guessing if I should tell him things, but in the end I tell him anyway. We've never had a major argument and I refuse to fight with him over a letter. He knows my past, the things I've been through and why I am the person I am today. Many people pity me for my scares with cancer and others see me as an inspiration. I am neither. I am a woman who fought back and came out with everything I went in with. He acknowledges that the battle wasn't easy, but he doesn't simple pat my head and say "there, there". If we allow ourselves to be victims, that is the role we will always play. If we act like survivors we carry on with life and all of our pride.
"A home build of concrete feelings, with much patience, dedication, long hours of thoughtfulness and creativeness! A home build with joy by my hands and arms, through our strength build with care and love! Tinkerbell I will work from sun up to sun down, always through strong will, thinking of only your smile and Ariel!!!"
He told me the letter before this he didn't know how to build a dream home, but he could build a dream home for me. I asked him to describe this home and this is the answer I got. I melt with these lines and may woman would see me as a fool for "falling for the game". You know not every convict plays games, your just too closed minded to see it like that. I've had a game ran on me and caught it in time. I will never send anyone money that asks for it. A gift yes, and I'm yet to send Bagherra a dime, not because I won't, because he will not allow it. It will instill an argument to remember. I sent him a book, and I remember him making me promise I would never send him anything else. However I told him I could not make this promise, not out of disrespect but because if he can not come across something and I don't want to wait I'll spend the money to have it sent to him. I was raised to give back to those who give to you. Bagherra gives me a new sense of joy. I am always thankful for his kind words and his support. Yes, I return those and don't need to buy him, but once in awhile a man needs to be spoilt too. There would be no difference if he was home neither. I do not believe in greed nor in the power of money. I believe in giving for a good cause, I believe in helping those who help you. You may not agree with that, and that's okay too. Your always going to do what is right for you, however think about the joy you could bring to someone with something as simple as a book for 8 dollars. That's minimum wage, that's an hours worth of work, simply to return a smile on someones face, if that's not worth it to you then I don't know what to tell you.
Bringing someone into your life is a difficult decision, especially with those of you that have children. Being comfortable is what makes or breaks a relationship, if you can not be comfortable around those you should then why are you around them? We look for excuses to not want to do things for people, but when we are in need we expect people to give to us. You will only get out of this life what you put in. If your not willing to put anything in, don't expect anything in return, people don't just hand things out to those who don't deserve it. Every year I do a fundraiser for Cervical Cancer. I raise money for people who can not afford the medication or the hospital bills. I give back to a cause that gave to me in a time of need. I do this with no strings attached. I don't expect them to give anything more to be, but instead I open my mail box to a girl of 16 that I helped with my donation, or my fund raiser and she thanks me. Words are the best gift someone can offer you. I've received a letter every year from the woman I help with my donations and I'm always grateful that I am giving them the opportunity to have what I have. My second time battling the cancer I was older and I remember being in the cancer ward of the hospital and a little girl names Isabella came and was talking to me. By this point I was ready to throw in the towel, I was ready for them to take my ovaries so this would all stop, I expressed this to a little girl and she took my hand and said to me "I may be young, but it's women like you that gives us hope, that gives us strength, if you give up why should I try?" A girl of 7 changed my whole life in one sentence. That's all it took. I begun to fight back, I lost all my hair and had nightmares for weeks, I was in constant pain and could barely move. But Isabella taught me a valuable lesson, there is always someone ready to hold your hand and push you forward. Bagherra is now my Isabella. No matter how tough things get I can put it all on him and let him hold my hand through it. Inmates aren't just "fun" or "exciting" they are people who learn to care for you. They are people who will never put you down or expect anything. I can't say they are all like this but a great majority of them are. They want to be there, to help us through things. So why not give back and help them in any way we can? Give back to those who give to you.
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