This letter was a short one. However although short it held a lot of goodies. There are 3 quotes I am going to share. Let's break it down quick. This letter was focused on life in Prison. His feelings upon it and how he functions day to day. We touched on the subject of my family, which is a very dark thing for me. I'm not open upon my family life or what goes on it. I built a level of trust with Bagherra and believed he deserved to know some things. Let's get to the quotes.
"Earlier today I was reading the 1st letter you wrote me and I’m amazed by the difference in our conversation of today. You do have a way with me Tinkerbell and it is strange and funny in many different ways. You have this way of making me feel like a little kid and is something I do not like yet I only look forward to your next letter!"
This is when I begun to feel a shift in our conversation, a huge shift. Maybe this is when we both started to develop some feelings, or maybe this is when we begun to express them. I'm not one for being a "feeling" person. I've never been good at expressing the meaning some people have in my life. When things get hard I usually deal in silence and cry on the inside. I'm not an overly emotional person, unless I'm pissed off. This has now changed. It strange how a letter, a prisoner and a few words can truly open you up and change you. Feeling like a child is never a good feeling. However at the same time it's the most innocent feeling there is. Nothing compares to a child's love or a child's smile. Now feeling like one means something too. For those who remember or have children of this age, remember walking into the toy story and just beaming, looking at everything with bug eyes and saying "I WANT, I WANT". Hell we couldn't even put more than two words together. We were overcome with so many emotions. This is how Bagherra and I both felt at this point. It was amazing to receive his letters and I still get butterflies to this day. Strange how it works huh? We go our adult lives saying "man, I'm so mature, and bad and this and that", but really if we don't stop to get excited about the little things how are we supposed to feel? Take a step back, forget the stress, let go of your anger and really focus on the good you have in your life and see if you don't feel like a kid again.
"There is nothing I could offer any woman out there besides I’m a realist. I am not a wealthy man but it doesn’t take much to live in prison besides I can easily adjust and be content with what I have. And as to childish well you already got a taste of my character. I can be but there is always a time and place for everything."
Maturity usually comes with age, some people peak earlier than others. Fact is we all get there eventually. In life we can say "I'll do this or I'll do that", but what is this or that? Childish hopes and dreams, or a adult making the right decisions. Many woman like myself have hopes and dreams that our men will come home, so we stay by their side, support them, feed them good energy... There's a whole other side to us... The woman who are with men on DR (Death Row), these are the woman that fight everyone and anyone they can to have their loved ones released. They are not crazy, they are not desperate and they are not stupid. They found a cause to fight for. Now, Bagherra and I had the same outlook on prison relationships, it's not worth it. This quote came up when I told him why I picked his ad. There were many men on the site looking just for love, money, and a good time. I wasn't interested in these things. I was interested in developing a friendship. Some men go as far as to put poems and things on their ad, to each their own, that's not my style. I looked for maturity, realness, and honesty. If your thinking about writing to an inmate don't settle for less than you want to. Go for what interests you, sentence wise short or life and go with your gut. I wanted a man serving a long time, simply because I wasn't sure what to expect. I've heard some horror stories where men get out and go searching for their pen pals. It's a scary world we live in, but never let this turn you away. I found an amazing man that cares, loves and holds me high. Not one horror stories should define one success story.
"Do not get me wrong this is a place where murder, assaults, riots, suicide, and manipulation exist but at the same time it’s a learning experience. You run into some of the most intelligent men in the world who’ve lived, seen, and read it all. It’s a place of respect, unity, and loyalty yet at the same time a snake pit."
This quote always makes my mind go to work. To process what these men/woman go through on a day basis is hard for some of us. However we must always remember that we worry and care so much because we truly do not know what it is like. Bagherra is in a Prison that has the label of housing "the worst of the worst". I do worry for him and his safety, I have since we begun talking about where he is housed. He tells me not to worry, he can with stand all the violence and over come it. I have so much faith in him, but as someone who cares from him I still worry, it's just me. Bagherra is a very smart man, he's not highly educated or a genius, but he is very smart when it comes to where he is at. He knows the ins and outs and how it works. That at any moment he could become a target. He's sat back watch and learned how to survive in a snake pit.
These stories we hear from inmates about the inside scare us half to death, but to know that they figured many things out while on the inside tells us they know how to survive. There is many differences in our worlds. We never compare the worlds, we just accept each others lives. Once in awhile we meet someone, we don't know why, but they change our lives. Bagherra was that person for me. He lives two lives. The one in Prison and the one that gets sent out in an envelope. Writing is a way to keep in touch not only with us on the outside but a more sensitive and caring part of inmates. Bagherrra refuses to tell me what's going on inside the Prison because he likes to think I'm too good for it. I probably am yes, but I need to understand why my mail run slow, why I worry and why there isn't anything on the DOC website explaining what's happening. There is delay in mail every few months and usually it's because an assault of some sort has taken place. Us who already write to inmates know the feeling of being worried when you don't get a letter on a usual day. We know what it's like to freak out on a forum and ask everyone what the hell is going on. We never show this in our letters. These inmates have enough to worry about as it is. Society has given them a label "CONVICT", with that label comes many negative. That's not the case, we can not generalize a whole population of people. We can not say this inmate here is exactly like this one over here, they are still individuals. They are their own person, with their own feelings and their own thoughts. If you take a chance at writing an inmate please always remember to choose your crime wisely, this can and may become a problem down the line. We can not just give up and stop writing to people because we don't like their crimes, if they are rude or using you then I encourage you to find someone else to write, but do not do what society did to them. They have been punished once for their crimes and do not need someone else to give up on them. Writing an inmate is a commitment on both ends. Never forget that you may be the only positive in a negative life.
No comments:
Post a Comment