This is the letter Bagherra realized my writing had become different, that something has majorly changed within myself. I no longer side stepped my words and hit my feelings dead on instead of ignoring them. This was a major step for our relationship, or what would become of it. As always we spoke of family, this is always an important subject for us. We are both dedicated to our families, however we don't have the "perfect" families. I have 4 briefs quotes I want to get to...
"Personally I’ve never been one to yell nor scream but I can assure you that I’ll stand by you here or in the streets!"
Bagherra knows that when I fight, I scream, yell, kick and hit. I have a nasty temper. This is where things have changed within myself. I can not do this through a letter and for the first time in my life I find myself watching my words. I refuse to fight with Bagherra while he is in prison. It's stressful enough for him and I don't want to make it worse. When I do want to fight with him there is always a quick resolution to our problems. Being in a relationship with someone in prison is difficult to say the least, fighting will only make things worse. A fight can lead to multiple awkward letters and more misunderstandings. We have to remember that you can not set your voice tone through letters, one word can change every ones mood. We must always be clear when we are trying to get a point across, the last thing you want is for your friend or significant other behind bars to take your words the wrong way. Communication is all you have, you can not use anything physical to strengthen the relationship. Bagherra has stood by my side from day one. He's been an amazing source of support, a shoulder to lean on and someone I feel comfortable telling all my life to.
"How can I tell you or begin to explain something that goes against everything we believed from the start?"
I don't know why this quote, however something in this quote makes me think. I tend to over think things in my life and drive myself crazy. With this quote I took it at face value. Bagherra and I decided against any type of relationship from the start, we never made promises we wouldn't, but we decided to go in with an open mind and see where things lead. Now, we built a very fast friendship, then we begun to feel. Feelings were beginning to be serious, things were starting to come out more. We both knew we didn't want to touch on the subject yet, we eased into things. We never rushed. We were patient with one another. We both knew how we felt but we wanted to make sure this was the right thing to do. This is where things get tricky. Some people cut off all communication when people begin to talk like this. This is not a reasonable thing to do. When these feelings come up you must always deal with them, even if the option is to walk away. Never live with guilt and never feel guilty for expressing yourself. These inmates will understand, they are not cold blooded nor cut off from feeling anything. They may develop feelings for you, or you may develop feelings for them, whichever way it happens always let the other person know, just to warn them that feelings are developing. As human being we can learn to control our emotions, but we can not use them to our advantage and we can not force them to feel the same as us. Emotions are not games, nor are they a bargaining chip. We are all human, we all feel and we all have flaws. We must understand this about people. We must be patient and honest. Never play games with another person and NEVER think that dangling a man/woman in prison by a string is okay. It is not okay, it's a horrible thing to do. Life must never be taken for granted.
"I can’t protect neither of you from here, for which when a good man comes grab a hold of him you won’t and shouldn’t hesitate to cut me lose! There’s not a man in the world who would accept what you and I share!"
Bagherra always throws a curve ball in every letter. This was my curve ball. I caught it and I corrected it. I knew I didn't want to lose what I shared with him. I didn't want to have to make the choice between him and someone else. He mattered to me, a great amount. We all make choices in life, my choice was to take my own self out of the dating game. Why? For the simple reason I didn't want an awkward situation trying to explain there is this man whom I care a great amount for that writes me 3 times a week, I was positive that wouldn't go over well! Bagherra is right! Not many people will accept someone like this in your life. They will not understand why you feel the need to keep someone like Bagherra. My reasons were easy, we always come back to this one word... HOPE. I truly have hope he will come home. It's not fair to enter a relationship when you can't give that person 100 percent of you. There will always be a part of my that in more or less words belongs to Bagherra. The feelings I developed were growing fast enough to allow me to see beyond everything that stands in our way. Dating would make things awkward and cause tension. I made this choice alone. Bagherra didn't ask it from me, I thought about it over and over and asked myself if this was the right decision. I played it out and today I know I made the right decision. We can not predict our lives, but we can catch a curve ball every once in awhile and run with it.
"A very popular saying here in Prison is “you should have left you feelings at home” it’s a very wise and logical saying in my opinion! Yet almost impossible!! However being that you’re the woman I trust! I trust you with my feelings so I send them home to you."
I love this last quote. I had a good laugh when I first read it, however that doesn't make it less true. When we see the sensitive side of these inmates it means they have all their trust within us. There is reason I don't splatter all our letters everywhere. I do not believe our whole relationship should be able for everyone to be in. I believe in what I am doing and how I am going about it. If you can not handle your own feelings, do not try to take on an inmates feelings. Bagherra can not go to his neighbour and ask for advice, he can not scream out what he's feeling at the top of his lungs, NO ONE in Prison will care, but they will use his feelings against him. Allow someone to feel and let out what they want is a gift like no other. Yes sure he can write all of his thoughts down on paper, but truly would that help? I don't think so. Bagherra is surrounded by angry, cold hearted, and shut off men all day. It's nice to know that I give him a break from that, that I allow him to feel and not use it against him, or try to gamble with his feelings. Being there for someone is different than caring. I know when Bagherra wants me to touch on subjects and I know when he wants to me to have a simple reply. This comes with time. Learning sensitive subjects in his life is hard on both of us. It's hard to try to ignore these things and you can never look past them. The Bagherra I know is different from the Bagherra behind bars. In more or less words inmates live 2 lives, the ones they share with us and the ones they have behind bars.
Opening up to someone is always hard, cleaning out the skeletons in your closet is even harder to try to explain to someone. I have skeletons in my closet and just recently Bagherra and I begun to talk about it. I know what it's like to be afraid to be judged, to be looked down upon because of the choices I made in my past. Never once has Bagherra looked down on me, some people that were from my past he does look down on. However he knows that all those people made me who I am, he wouldn't want me to be someone I am not. Being honest with Bagherra comes easy, letting him know my deepest secrets I find hard. I find it hard to tell him my worst, however when I get the reply back I always ask why the fuck I was worked up about it in the first place. He's been gentle, kind and caring. I couldn't ask for more in life. You'd be surprised about the things that some of these inmates have seen. Sometimes people out here will look down on you about some of the decisions you have made, we must remember that these inmates have made their fair share of mistakes as well. They are not seeking forgiveness through their letters, but simply understanding. They want to prove to you they are not that person anymore. Giving them the chance to do that may change them more than we know. Giving them the opportunity to have someone to care, understand and never judge makes a difference in their lives. Being there for them opens their hearts to you. Many of these inmates have been holding everything in, which can not be easy in anyway. Give them a chance to write out what they are feelings, give them a chance to help themselves, and above all give them a chance to build an amazing friendship without judgment.
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