Bagherra let me know that he knows where I stand about having any type of relationship while he is in Prison (It was always a NO WAY for me). He let me know he would never pressure me to feel something I do not feel. Bagherra explained to me that he tries to disconnect Prison from our letters that in more or less words I'm better than that. Okay 2 quotes today...
"In little time with you I’ve learned what fighting for a good cause is truly about! You’ve given me the opportunity to open up my mind to a new world and you’ve cared enough to get to know me and not only the man in the picture on writeaprisoner.com. Your questions are always intriguing and full of life, as your replies to my letters full of warmth and care. Tinkerbell whether you see it or not to me you are more than just a friend."
This makes me thing of one thing. There will always be a reason why you meet people. Either you need them to change your life or you're the one that will change theirs. Bagherra and I both changed each other. He allowed me to take my time and build my own feelings and he did the same, but never did he rush me. Sometimes it's not what you say, but simply how you listen. The best gift you can give someone is to listen to what they have to say, not to over analyze it, but to simply listen. I also never keep Bagherra in the dark, sure I don't tell him every time some "vato" tries to "get at me", but if it's something serious I tell him. These inmates can handle it, yes, it may hurt them, but I truly believe it would hurt them more if you kept them in the dark and later down the road it's brought up. These people begin to care for us in different ways. In our case we begun to care and want more from one another. Bagherra rarely ever comes straight forward with his emotions, he know sin my past I've ran when men ask for relationships and/or tell me the "L" word. He listened, he learnt from what I told him. He took my feelings to heart and never used them against me. I can't to explain how much of a relief it is to have someone that truly understands me. It's an amazing thing to experience. It opens your eyes to something more. To see how others view me never mattered, but Bagherra always made it seem better than it was. He made me seem better than I am. He holds me high, and I couldn't ask for something better than that. When we open our mouths to talk we close our minds, when we open our ears to listen we begin to learn.
"I know that your encouragement comes from you wanting a little more joy in my life. However with my appeal still pending I’m going to play it out! If things don’t go my way it will be for me like getting sentence all over again and truly I do not know how I’m going to react! What will change in me! Or will I once again need time away from the outside world! Tinkerbell in this place it doesn’t matter if you’re surrounded by all you love ones loneliness is a part of this life style and it’s something that I must always bare in mind in order to be ready for anything that comes my way."
Quotes like these always make me a little sadder. I hate where he is at, however he has come to accept it. There truly is nothing else Bagherra can do. I want to get to a side subject here. These last few weeks I realize that the thing I respect most about Bagherra is his maturity! I'm so fed up with drama and it being everywhere I turn. At 25 I've come to realize not every word should be taken with anger. I've learnt that most people are not worth the time of day expressing myself, why? Why make matters worse when they need to work it out themselves. Bagherra is only 2 years older than I am Not quite 2 years yet, he was born late in the year), but he has a similar mind set. He has learnt to control his anger behind bars and when we got this bad news with the appeal he didn't push away, he pushed forward. He took it well and today we can push forward together to make this work. I knew that it would come down to giving him time to work it out before he let me know what he wanted. As we grow we learn what our limits are, we learn when to fight and when to hold out. He knew that I was fighting for him to allow his family to come visit with him, and he didn't want them to while he was housed where he was. This was drawn out for many letters. The end result? I got my way, with the help of a visiting hood rat, and he sent the forms to his Mother. This boy became a man in prison. We all grow and we all learn. We all fight for those we love and we never back down. I will fight tooth and nail for my man, I will fight for those I love. If you can't find a reason to fight, then the fight is not worth it.
I changed, I found something in him that I had not found in any one else. I found love. These were not my intentions when I begun writing, but life takes some crazy turns. Bagherra is always there for me, even if it's the dumbest thing, he still lets me know what he's thinking. Open communication is our success story, or a major part of it. At first we were both hesitant to answer each others questions, as we built communication and trust we begun answering more and more questions and touching up on old subjects. If you pen pal seems like they are holding back, it's probably because they are. Don't push them to tell you things, be patient with them. Today's word is patience. Without patience we'd all be in such a rush we wouldn't stop to take anything in. We rush too often to conclusion and we never take the time, nor have the patients to see things through. We must look at both sides of the door before we cross through. As a child we rush to be "grown" (remember maturity doesn't come with age it comes with experiences and hard work), then when we are "grown" we act like children because we didn't have the patients to enjoy being a child. We allow others to ruin our day because we are too impatient to judge someone by who they are not the mistakes they made. Adopt the pace of nature: her secret is patience. For anything worth having one must pay the price; and the price is always work, patience, love, self-sacrifice - no paper currency, no promises to pay, but the gold of real service.
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