HOPE...

There is only one word that can truly define what I believe... HOPE. Yesterday I received a letter from Bagherra. He had an appeal pending and last month they denied it. I've known for almost 3 weeks before he told me. I lived with it and learnt to cope with it, because I truly didn't understand it or what happens next. In this letter yesterday was the letter from his attorney saying it's been denied. Nothing has ever hurt so much in my entire life than one word... "DENIED". I broke to say the least. I've also never felt so many emotions in one letter. We found ourselves back at the beginning. Where were not sure what to do. Do we take the risk and keep this going? My reply was short, however it took me forever to get the words out through the tears. My answer seems easy enough. Leave, why stay and be put through this leave? That's an answer I couldn't give. Yes, think with my head, think clear, not with my heart. My head couldn't even process what what happening. I was at a loss for words and all I wanted to do was reach out and tell him I'm still here. Through a letter this is harder than it may seem. I knew there would be many things that stand in our way, as if we didn't have enough already.

 

Now this was his final appeal... Yet I found out through him that there are two more options. This could take many more years to resolve. This is where that magical word comes in. Hope, how long do we hope for before we get completely destroyed? Will I get destroyed or will all my dreams come true? I have hope. So much hope. Bagherra gave me the option to decide where we go from here. Do I pack up and run, or do I stay and fight? My feet started to get hot and I was half way out the door. Then something happened... Our daughter came up to me threw her hands up and laughed. An innocent gesture to but to me it meant so much more. My whole life I've ran. It's all I've ever known. I did it because my parents did it. So what am I teaching my child? That when things get tough you run and never avoid it? Or do you stay and fight for a cause you find more than valid! The choice I make today can impact my daughter tomorrow. Do I pretend like Bagherra never existed? When Ariel gets older do I tell her that her Father didn't leave us... I gave up on him? Or do I show her that we fight until there is no longer a fight but a solution, whether good or bad? When I began a more than friendship relationship with Bagherra I knew what I was getting into. LIFE, that's what could possibly come from this. I knew there would be struggles, trials, tribulations. I didn't want to face them until they came forward and showed there face. While yesterday I got the first major test. There is no right or wrong answer. There is only raw emotions.

I will tell you the same thing I told him. I will not just simply walk away. This is much bigger than that. This is THE MAN I want to spend the rest of my life with. The man I want to be the father of my children. The man I want to wake up to every morning. Yes, this sounds crazy. Yes, this is very hard. Reality is once in awhile we need to take a step back and see what in our lives cause us pain and happiness. All throughout reading his letter I kept telling myself to stay calm and to react accordingly. How do you do that? There is no possible way. I wanted to scream at him for making such a huge mistake many years ago, I wanted to throw my damn kitchen sink at him for making me feel this pain, but I want to just simply hold him and tell him things will get better. I wanted to grab his face and tell him I love him and nothing can change that, and nothing ever will. Although none of those options can happen I wrote him a small letter of how I was feeling and what I was thinking. At the end I gave him the choice. The choice to take my answer off "I'm staying" or to tell me "Tink, it's time to stop all this". I'm no fool nor am I stupid in any way. Two people make a relationship and two people break it. Everything else involved is just a milestone. This is something that is out of our control so why should we have to suffer over it? I'm going to turn this negative into a positive the best way I can and stick this out. I will not take the chance of losing this man just because it might take a few more years. I have my whole life ahead of me, I am still young.
 

This is for all the men/woman who want to get involved romantically with an inmate... I knew what I was getting into. It took a month for the dust to settle when we started this relationship to really look at what could come our way. I advise you to do the same. Yes it feels great to say yes right away but ask the questions you need to ask. This is a huge deal on everyone involved. His family is involved and so is mine. Their biggest concern is us hurting each other. That we invest so much time of our lives with on another and it's wasted. This will never be a waste to me and I will never see it like that. I've developed a life with him and I refuse to sit here and pretend like this life is perfect, it's far from it. It's reality and when it sets in it hurts. It's not easy to make these decisions, however in my life today I know these are the right decisions to make. For all the people who look down and pity me, fuck off I don't want your pity nor your "words of wisdom". Case and fact... I love this man and I CHOOSE THIS LIFE. If I needed or wanted pity I'd do it myself with a bottle of vodka. I could have a pity party to remember. I'm not going to sit here and feel sorry for myself because I am making these choices. I am staying because I want to. I don't feel forced nor under pressure to stay. The choice was mine to make and I made it. I have hope that we can make this work. I have hope we will come home and I have hope that regardless we will get through this together holding hands. I love this man and nothing, NOTHING can stop me from feeling this way.