I Wrote To His Mother.

Yesterday I received a warm and loving letter from Bagherra, as usual, something in it made me feel almost pressured to write to his mother. She was asking about me and asked him to tell me to write or to call her. Seeing there was a language barrier I wrote it out and had sweet Belle (name hidden as usual) translated it for me, she is the only woman I would trust to translate the letter for me. It took me 3 hours to compose a short 3 paragraphed letter. I was shaking from the thought of having to do this. The last time I was shaky like that and that emotional, I felt as though I had lost all function to move, was when my father was dying. Now I can not tell you why I was having anxiety over this but I can tell you why I got so emotional. For months we've been communicating in a strange way through Bagherra. He would let me know what her letters said and I was blown away by how accepting this woman was of not only myself but a child she now calls her grand child. I'm smiling as I write this. There are times in our lives where we hit highs, this is defiantly one of them.

 

This woman knows nothing of me, well only what Bagherra has told her. She trusted that her son made the right decision by being with me and instead of acting like my mother, which we will get to, she opened her arms and her heart and let us in. Meeting parents is always hard period... Writing parents of inmates puts a lot of pressure on you. I don't want to hurt anyone involved in this and our relationship is developing fast, in truth it's always developed fast. I almost didn't put the letter to his mother in my mail box, all these horrible thoughts ran through my head. What if she hates it and then begins to turn on me... I could never compete with her. She owns Bagherra's heart and that is easy to see. What if she decides I'm not right for her son? What if she can't even read the damn letter and the spelling is all messed up? There I go again with all this shit! The decision was final, it's time to cross this bridge and see where this leads to. Being in a relationship in prison is no different than being out here. Eventually parents will get involved and you will have to face them just as I am. never feel pressured to do this. I can sit here and say that's why I did it, but it's not. I felt that after reading what she wrote it was time to close the gap of talking through Bagherra and taking a more direct approach. I want him in my life and I know how important his family is to him. I would never want to cause strain in anyway in his relationships with them. In order for the family to get to know you they must in some way hear from you. It is NOT easy, but it has to be done eventually. I've gotten over the hardest roadblock. His mother, not I feel as though I can continue to take on the world.

 

Now for the first time I will speak on my family. My father passed from cancer a few years ago and before he died he made my youngest older brother promise he would step in and be my dad when he's gone. He is 14 years my senior. So realistically he can be! Needless to say I sent him a copy of one of Bagherra's letters and he broke it down very simply for me, he likes Bagherra and it's clear to see this man loves us (myself and Ariel), however eventually it needs to turn to more. now I won't get into specifics, I'm not ready to face these questions yet. Although the door is wide open now, I'm trying will all 98 pounds of my being to hold it closed. There is more appeals, which stands higher on the priority list than anything else. Trying to get Bagherra home is MOST important and IF we can't than we take the necessary steps... TOGETHER... we must be on the same page. My mother will NEVER approve of my relationship with Bagherra. My mother is a very caring lady, not so much a loving mother. She has HIGH expectations for her children and so far none of us have lived up to the hype. I have 2 half sisters from my mom (both in which are older), she is not the mother of my brothers. This has always put a strain on our relationship, so has the fact that I was raised by only a father for 11 years. I always felt not wanted. This is another story all together, but this little bit of background gets the point across. I have never had a proper relationship with my own mother until I had Ariel. We begun building around this common love we have from my child. When she found out about Bagherra I thought she would have a heart attack. Seems hilarious but it's not. She snapped. Told me off and now we don't speak about it. I'm perfectly fine with this. There is much more to this "drama" than meets the eye but for now I will leave it at this... My mother will not accept Bagherra behind bars or in the streets. He is a gang member (even if he drops out, she will still see a gang member), he is another race than my own and he has a lengthy criminal past. Some of us can look past these things and some of us can not. My mother is the one who looks at the cover and disregards the book if she doesn't like what she sees. I am not, I like to read the book for myself and form my own opinions. This has caused tension more than I can remember with my mother and I.

 

When going into this relationship your seeking with an inmate remember it may seem like only you and the inmate are involved, but it is more than that. Their families and yours are included as well. We've both "eased" each other in to our families and while one side accepts it, the other doesn't. I can proudly say I'm happy it's all out there and I plan to continue this journey with Bagherra regardless of what others think. It comes down to what you think. To have his mother be so accepting it truly makes me proud that he has a family whose only concerns is him getting hurt, but they understand he is a grown man and can do what he pleases. I'm not sure what this relationship with his mom will develop into, but I can only hope it goes in my favor. Always be opened minded to your significant others family! They are their biggest support! Although Bagherra would never let them interfere with our relationship he does think it's best that in some form we communicate, language barrier or not. I see this as very true. Always keep an open mind to you significant others feelings. These people that matter most in their lives have to matter to you some as well, make the attempt. It's nerve racking but in the end you can proudly say your doing this because you want it to work. Today's word of the day is RISK... To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing. I took a risk with Bagherra and now I'm taking a risk with his family. This risk is the greatest risk I've ever taken.