Finally Phone Calls

Once again it's been a long time! I am back. I'm not sure how long this will last, as I'm not overly open about my relationship. For the last 2 years Bagherra and I have been trying to work things out and it seems we have reached an amazing and happy point. It has been a very stressful couple of months, however it's all been worth it.

Bagherra was transferred, FINALLY, and we now have contact visits and phone calls. The first time he called me he was nervous. I could hear it in his voice. I was at the gym and I went into shock. I could not believe he was calling me. This single phone call brought so many memories and filled my heart with love. I know it sounds crazy, however with more communication I find it harder. He does as well. I'ts hard to say goodbye and it's hard to not want to sit and talk to one another all day - everyday. We ruin a lot of our letters because we somehow always end up talking about it. For a long time I was patient and now I want to know everything now. I must say these calls have brought us a lot closer.

He wants to talk to Ariel more. It is hard with her in school and he does not have a set schedule for calls.  We try to make one, however it doesn't work out the way we have planned. He also is going to start writing her a letter a week and for now I'll write her response, as she is not old enough to write yet. She always wants to talk to him when he calls. It is hard to explain truly who she is. She does know he's her dad, she is just too young to fully grasp that he can not come pick her up or spend time outside of prison with her.

As always our relationship is difficult and only time will tell if it's meant to be. All I know is I love this man more than I can put into words. I do not compare my relationship to other peoples relationships. Every person is different and every situation is different. A lot is different this time around, not only him truly learning from his mistake, he also got a letter about a law change and he qualifies for parole in 8 years. That's right I said EIGHT FXCKING YEARS. It may seem like ages for some of you, however for me it is a lot sooner than 26 years. 

There will always be a struggle regardless. We will always have people who can not understand why we do this and we may even have a few people who stand in our corners to support us. For the most part I'm super private because there are too many unstable people who are allowed to be on the internet. I will be writing more. I will be posting about my visits and my phone calls. I will be posting about m relationship, however as per usual I will not be posting names.

'Preparation can only take you so far, after that you've got to take a few leaps of faith' 

A Very Unexpected Friend Request

For all of you that do not know, I do write other inmates and last year I required a pen pal that was almost ready to be released. I thought his release date was not quite this soon, yet when I logged into my facebook and noticed a new friend request I realized this pen pal either had someone make him a facebook or he was released. I then looked at my inbox and it was a message from him. He was paroled early and just wanted to let me know. He also let me know the best number to reach him at and wanted to keep this friendship alive. I decided against it, however we did message back and forth a couple of times. 

I know that his head is not where it should be, as his girlfriend had left him right before he was released and never let him know what was going on. This can be very heartbreaking for someone who thought they had someone to go home to. My heart goes out to this man and I know the feeling of being betrayed by someone you thought loved you. This is why I am not going fourth with this friendship. I wished him the best of luck and told him regardless I am always a message away to try to help him through his darkest days. 

I am writing this blog because I feel so bad for him and I want him to have a future outside of those gates that held him in for so long. I want him to find a nice girl with her life together and stop looking in all the wrong places. It seemed he was just trying to fill the void in his life. After 3 weeks out he had not done anything except sleep and party, which by all means is okay as he has been locked up for a long time, yet I know the state parole board may not see eye to eye with his new and unexpected plan. We all grieve in a different way and I hope he dusts himself off and gets his id along with a job to keep his mind occupied. He has a great family structure and they love him to pieces. I am sure he will be fine, yet I still do worry for him.

As for my personal life, Bagherra and I have hit a rough patch and are slowly working through it. I have been distracted as of late with some unexpected news, however his letters of support and love have been keeping my head held high. We also celebrated Ariel's birthday last month and of course he made her a beautiful card that is now hanging in her room. We have been discussing all the possibilities of this long term relationship behind bars and weighing in the pros and cons of it all. This has been very hard on the two of us knowing his last few appeals while we've been together have failed and this most recent hit us both really hard, as we believe they didn't bother to even take it seriously. This is a life that I have entered into and for all the stress I've endured I've also shared a lot of laughs, tears and joy with Bagherra. It just seems for every denial we get a piece of us breaks away from one another. It has gotten to the point he can not write me within the first week of the denial because he is afraid of what he will write. 

Appeals are very hard to win in the state we both reside. Not many get past the board, nor do many people get a second chance. I know the Governor is trying his best to change how this state judicial system works, yet for every step forward so many prisoners have to take a step back and be put on the back burner. Bagherra is not trying to overturn his conviction. He knows he committed the crime and is willing to pay for that, yet his sentence was very steep. Many men who murder in this state get less time than what Bagherra got. He is trying to reduce his time, as the other two men that were also involved in the crime got much less of a sentence than he did. As I've looked into the crime and into the court documents I realize that Bagherra was singled out for prosecution and did receive the most time for the crime (almost double of what everyone else got). Some thing just did not add up to me. I'm sure everyone says this about their loved one behind bars, yet I truly mean there are things in the report that do not add up. Bagherra has asked me not to talk openly about this so I will leave it at that.

'It's Hard To Wait Around For Something That You Know Might Not Happen, But It's Even Harder To Give Up, When You Know It's Everything You Ever Wanted'

-Unknown

I Promise To Do Better... It's Been Far Too Long

I have been gone for so long and to be truthful I am so happy I took this break. I truly got to get all of my emotions worked out without the prying eyes of everyone else. At times in our life we try to find someone to lean on and in the end those people are the fake friends everyone warns you about. A year ago Bagherra and I broke it off and today I am happy to say we are trying all over again and we plan to tell everyone to stay the fuck out of our relationship. 

I may be emotional because I was the stupid one. I was the one that allowed others to see into my relationship and judge it. I was the one who listened to the other voices and most of all I was the one that needed to figure it out alone. With a year of no one (including Bagherra) I begun to realize those people that had called me 'unstable','fake','different',and'stupid' were the ones who were just that. I have a great life, it may not be perfect however choosing to be with Bagherra does not make me less than a person, nor does it reflect on you... It reflexes on Bagherra and I. He is the love of my life and I do know this for fact. We have had our ups and downs, yet we have always found a way to work around it.

My future is far from perfect I know this will be hard and I always know not everyone will have my back. I also know a lot of fake people will put in their two cents... I am not longer offering anyone into my relationship. I will pick back up my blog, yet I will not share any more private moments. I will give run downs and common emotions of what I am feeling, I will not allow anyone close enough to hurt Bagherra or I again. 

For all those rolling your eyes and laughing at me for making this choice, I want each and everyone of you know one thing... Life is not always what you expect it to be, you may critize me today for doing this and tomorrow you may find yourself in the same situation. Before you shake your head and stick your noses back up, if you do not like my life choices you do not have to follow them, nor do you have to agree with them. Again this is my happiness and I am not longer putting it to the side or acting like it's not big deal!

For all those who have stood in my corner you guys are the best! You have been the best support circle and the best friends a gal can ask for. I promise to keep you in the loop and update you on major things. I will continue to fight for my happiness and hopefully in the process help anyone who is in the same boat as me and are not sure the way to go!

'People Build Up Walls,

Not To Keep Others Out,

But To See Who cares Enough To Tear Them Down'

Letter Breakdown (06/06/2012)

This letter was full of emotion. We spoke a bit on him having a 'to life' sentence. It's difficult to imagine being in a long term relationship and never having the opportunity to go to sleep with that person and then wake up with them. It's hard to think of raising a family like that. We touched on how we want this to work out for us regardless of the dreaded 'to life' sentence. I have 2 quotes:

'Tinkerbell this is our relationship, friendship and little family! In my eyes and in my heart no matter if we or are not in a committed relationship we will always be much more than friends...'

Sometimes things happen in life we ourselves can not explain in words, rather we explain in reactions and how we live our lives. When entering a relationship there is always a chance that things will not work. Things happen, people change and too often we forget why we entered into the relationship in the first place. We doubt others, and often even doubt ourselves. We can be insecure and a little possessive. These are all the things that constantly effect relationships. I do it myself and as you can see I doubted myself and Bagherra. However I never stopped realizing what I had and why I put up with the downs in the relationship. Reality is sometimes not as good as your dreams, yet once you find something special you realize reality is, you just have to fight to make it better. Bagherra can't just go back to being friends, he's right, we will always be more than friends, so when I lose him I know I will lose him forever.

Baby you always said that if a man can’t handle your worst he doesn’t deserve your best! And to think that I can let you go when you love, gave me a beautiful daughter and fell in love with me at my worst it’s crazy! I’ll always love you and be here...

I never knew Bagherra outside if Prison. I met him while he was incarcerated, we built everything we have through letters. We shared everything through these letters, not just the good, we shared hurtful memories, sad and tragic times. Bagherra has seen me mentally breakdown in a letter and truly push him away. Regardless of how I pushed he hold me still and helped keep my head right. We've shared a lot of laughs, smiles, tears and pain, through these emotions Bagherra found love for Ariel, and then for me. I has no expectations for Bagherra when we begun to write, I had no idea what would happen, however I let it all unfold. I learnt so much about him in such a short time. It took 5 months for us to cross the love barrier. We never rushed anything. I gave him all I could offer, he did the same for me. I fell in love with an inmate, not just any inmate, a man I do not in anyway see as a violent offender, a man I see as a good hearted man.

Throughout our lives we will all grow. Some will grow individually, some will grow together and some will grow apart. Fact of the matter is we all grow and we all change. We realize the world is not as innocent as it seems, that there is no black and white, rather a large area of a shade of grey. We are not guaranteed tomorrow, hell we are not guaranteed the next 5 minutes. Live your life the way you want. Fall in love, get hurt and grow from it. Never be unforgiving and always give a little to get something back. Everything you do will effect someone. What you may see as innocent may truly tear someone else apart. I sit here and I write all these loving words for a man I am no longer with. I do this because that love is still there, however what he did is always on my mind. He hurt me, however I am not bitter. I learnt a valuable lesson and I didn't ask a lot of questions I should have from the start. I tried to forgive and I could not. I tried to understand why he would do what he did and I could not. My lesson has been learnt and I would never take it back. My heart is broken, yet still whole. I'm growing as an individual right now and maybe one day I'll be ready to grow with someone. Find what you want and always go for it, the person you are with will have dreams of their own, try to grow together and walk in the same direction, you'll be surprised that you won't have to shake your own dreams for someone else.

'As I look back on all that has happened: growing up, growing together, changing you, and changing me, there were times when we dreamt together, when we laughed together, when we laughed and cried together. As I look back on those days i realize how much I will truly miss you and how much I truly love you. The past may be gone forever and what the future holds. Our today's make memories of tomorrow. Therefore, it is with all my heart that I send you my love, hoping that you'll always carry my smile with you for all we have meant to each and for what the future may hold.'

-Unknown

Letter Breakdown (06/02/2012)

A quick round up of the letter, it was personal. We spoke more about his mother and his relationship. We also spoke about Ariels tantrums and how to try to stop them. By this point we knew quite a bit about one another, yet it always seems like there was something new to learn. I have 2 quotes:

'Rusty as I was and doubting love behind bars never did it crossed my mind that love would be knocking at my heart. In denial yet I clearly heard love whisper “this woman is amazing, her beauty goes beyond those pretty eyes! Tinkerbell is unique in many ways and an excited combination of passion and fire she’s worth you losing your mind!!! Treat her with care and love and you’ll witness magic before your eyes”'

I can't even break this down, so why I chose this quote I do not know yet. However I can and will say this. Love behind bars is common as I am beginning to find, yet all the love I find is different. Everyone writes their own story, this includes their love stories. No two relationships are similar, yet the feelings are. They are genuine for the most part and I've met some people who would trade places with their incarcerated loved in a heart beat without thinking twice. We may seem crazy to sleep alone, raise children alone and stand by our loved ones. We are not crazy, we are in love. Love has this magic to it. It makes you feel strong, happy, weak and sad. It's a never ending rollercoaster of emotions. It's something you can not explain, yet you simply know it's there. It's the first thought of the day and the last image before you go to sleep. It's something that lives inside of you. You may call it madness and we simply call it love. You can do a poll and ask 100 men and women standing in my shoes what makes you stay and chances are all the answers would be different. We all fall for different reasons, yet that doesn't mean someone's love is more than another persons. Love is love.

'I know the woman who I have by my side but simply not knowing if I’ll ever come home to you and Ariel is a hard pill to swallow!'

We never did speak much on what would happen if he never came home, however I know both Bagherra and I thought about the possibility. It was a very sensitive subject and it still is. We figure as long as we had hope we had a chance. So what would happen if that hope went away? Would we crumble or find something new to hope and wish for? Raising a child like this is tough enough... Failed appeals and hope shattering makes it worse to try to explain why daddy or mommy is never coming home. Hell, even with only a few years it's still difficult to explain to a young child why daddy or mommy can not be home. This is something we have spoken about. Ariel will be old enough one day to speak and write to him on her own. We have spoken about ways to try to include Bagherra in our everyday routines and functions. Everyone has to find a system that works for them, whether it be phone calls, visits and for some of us just letters.

Having love and family is hard enough out here, making it work from Prison is a difficult task for all those involved. We must always remember that the clock does not stop clicking and the more we stress and worry about how to approach something like this the harder it becomes. Bagherra and I sorted out family first. Then we came up with a solution to have him in Ariel's life. I post pictures he drew around her room, I show her the photos of him everyday and each night before bed I give her two sets of love, hugs and kisses... One from mommy and one from daddy. I make sure that my daughter knows there is a man out there that truly wishes he could be here and loves her to the end of the world and back. When she is old enough I will explain, as Bagherra put it, where he is and that it had nothing to do with her and he loves her very much. I will teach my daughter compassion so she does not see him as a monster, rather she will see him as a man who is paying for his mistakes he made when he was younger. Although I do not agree with the length of the sentence I do agree that our daughter needs to know the truth. When she is old enough to understand I will tell her everything. Finding a balance with family and love is hard, yet it can be achieved. It may fail a few times, but we learn from it and move forward, we make new ideas and test them out. When you find the right one you will know it's the one you've been searching for. Never give up, push forward and accomplish what most people think we can not. Balance Prison, Family and Love. It can only make you stronger.

'I'll never stop dreaming that one day we can be a real family, together, all of us laughing and talking, loving and understanding, not looking at the past but only to the future.'
-LaToya Jackson

Letter Breakdown (05/23/2012)

This letter has significant meaning to me. In it Bagherra spoke about an old memory of when he was still free. Now this memory isn't anything special but special to me none the less. I sent him a picture of me pregnant with Ariel and that is what triggered the memory. I don't know much about Bagherra's past, only that it wasn't perfect and in this letter he opened up a little bit more, not only about the memory but of other things he's done. Our level of trust at this point was beyond what I ever expected it to be. Onto the 3 quotes I want to share...

 

'Sweetheart to read that my comments make you feel special and butterflies like a teenager and to know in a small way my letters and words have this effect on you it’s a confidence booster for me! I once wrote I do not doubt myself as a man but it is truly difficult not to doubt the situation I find myself in!!'

Every letter he reminds me how special I am. He always has the right words to say and truly I don't believe it's because he has all the time in the world to think of what to say. Bagherra speaks from the heart and it shows in his letter. From Prison he can not comfort me like he wants to, nor show me the affection he wishes he could, instead he writes it out for me. A lot of the time I find myself blushing and feeling childish because of what he says. When something is real it shows, not only in our faces but our whole demeanor shows it. We become different, not in a bad way, we become more soft, more understanding and in truth a little blind. This is the effects of love and relationships. Only we truly know what makes us blush, giggle and smile. Those are the moments that will forever live inside of me. 

'There are not many woman in your world who would allow a feeling like this or a relationship of this kind to grow… as a matter of fact a few months ago neither you nor I believed in this type of relationship and if I remember correctly you more than me.'

When we begun writing we both agreed relationships like this truly are hard, that they were not for us. Months later feelings developed and we jumped in. Seeking a relationship with an inmate is not the right thing to do, nor is it the reason these pen pal sites are successful. They are successful because people have compassion, they know the circumstances, yet they do not turn people away. Bagherra is not the only man I write to, all the other pen pals are strictly friends and nothing more. I can not tell you why feelings were developed with Bagherra, however I do believe, a Bagherra believes, we never put a guard up. We never tried to protect and guard our hearts because truly we never believed this was possible. Well it became reality one day and we weren't expecting it. A relationship like this must be developed. You truly must know the person in order to get involved. Always ask what you want and speak freely, you have nothing to lose. If someone loves you they will understand. They will answer with honesty, good or bad. If you feel like things are moving too fast, slow them down, take your time. If it is meant to be it will. Nothing was ever forced for Bagherra and I, it simply happened right under our noses and punched us dead in the face one day.

'Even though you wrote that me being on the website doesn’t bother you I’m getting off it! It’s something I had already considered and believe you deserve that respect!!!'

Why this quote? I'll tell you... A few letters before this Bagherra asked what I thought about his ad still being up, to be honest I didn't want it up anymore, but I would never ask him to take it down. I wouldn't ask because it's not like he can get up and make new friends. He can not communicate with people outside of his family if not for sites like WAP. A good example of that is some old friends found Bagherra on the site and decided to keep in touch. So the site is not just for meeting new friends, it's also a way to find old friends that have gotten lost in the system. After some discussion about this subject Bagherra took his ad down. I told him not to, after all someone paid for him to be up there, however I wasn't broken up about it. Now to touch on the point of this quote. Never make a judgement call for the person you write. Never demand they take their ad down, or use it against them. They are up there to have communication in their lives and a touch of reality. Reality to them is a concrete jungle, a place where they must have their game face on 24/7. A letter is a break from all of that. It's a moment in time where they get to break down and be a different person. They get a chance to feel whole again, like a human being and not an animal locked in a cage. Sure, bring the subject up if it bothers you, but most important... let them make the decisions. Always have trust for those you write, without trust you have nothing.

Expressing yourself openly and putting your trust in someone is no joke. It's something that takes time to develop and sometimes it never fully develops. Some are seen as victims and others as targets. Be strong enough to know the difference and always go with your instinct. I do not stress on scams and things like that because I have not experienced it. Yet, my very first pen pal tried to run his game on me and I refused to be like that. I stopped writing. The reason I am stressing this point is because when my feelings for Bagherra developed I questioned myself if this was real. I needed to figure out if he was just lonely and wanted someone along for the ride, or if he truly wanted to be with me because his heart was telling him to be with me. The heart is a funny instrument. Mine is broken and in pieces from Bagherra, yet it still works. I am still able to write these blogs no longer with him, yet I still look through that same window of love that I know will always be there. I took a chance and although I got hurt in the end I am still writing and still proud that I was with Bagherra. I would never take it back nor change it at all. The lessons I learnt within this relationship and the strength I earned will always be a part of me, just as a part of my heart will always belong to Bagherra. In turn every time my heart beats, he'll be there, and I'll know I'm still alive. Never doubt yourself or the person you are with. If it is real then there is no room for doubt or second guessing. I instilled Bagherra with my trust and in the end we both were hurt, yet through all that hurt there was still love. Love is a candle that burns forever. Try to put it out and one day it will begin to burn again. Never forget where you have been, because you'll get lost as to where you're going.

Letter Breakdown (05/20/2012)

This letter was short. In this letter he explained that he had wrote his mother to tell her about Ariel and I. This letter was all about family, both of our families. We spoke about the concerns that my family had regarding being in a relationship with Bagherra. I only have one quote:

 

'You are an amazing woman Tinkerbell and only a blind but stupid fool wouldn’t be able to see you entirely.'

 

In life sometime we are judged upon how we look and not what we hold inside. When I began writing Bagherra I gave him a very brief description of me and there were no photos. I wanted for him to see what I held inside and not how I looked. I reached out to a man incarcerated not seeking love or a relationship, rather to be a friend to someone who could use one the most. Many times the outside world will say many of us went seeking for what we now share with our inmates when in truth we all know love just happens. People decide to be together not because of their surroundings, but because we develop feelings along the way. Feelings can only be ignored for so long before someone comes out and admits they are there. We hide in the shadows because we are afraid of being judged for writing and falling for the inmates we choose to write to. Regardless of what everyone thinks know you are not alone in this journey and many people go through something very similar to what you are now experiencing. Never be afraid of your emotions and most important never suppress them.

 

Somewhere a long the way Bagherra and I saw things changing. We started writing differently and gave into what was happening right before our eyes. We never stopped to try to prevent what was happening, instead we embraced it. We took the time to know one another, who we really were instead of judging the book by its cover. Too many people think women like me write in search of what Bagherra and I share. The truth is I never wanted this, nor expected it to happen. It wasn't like this from the start. It took time for feelings to develop and friendship was born before anything else. The decisions we have made thus far were always talked about and not rushed. We never pushed one another, nor used our feelings against one another. We just let faith take its course and we enjoyed the ride. We've never allowed others to dictate our relationship, nor get in our way. Instead we joined hands and fought together to keep what we share. We never tried to justify it or make it seem easy, we simply lived our love story without input from others. We've had our ups and our downs, yet we never forgot who we are or how we feel. When what you feel is real you will know, you will fight to the death to hold it and you will cherish it because when you are in love you know no limits, boundaries or prison walls, all you know is what you feel. Run on what you know and not what others assume. Always make yourself happy over the outsiders in your life. Only you know what is best for you and somewhere along the journey you'll find your own happiness, after all if you are not happy and others are, in no way will you learn to be happy unless you fight for your happiness.

Letter Breakdown (05/09/2012)

This letter is a difficult one to sum up. This is where he asked to change things up, to be in a committed relationship. He also spoke on the photos of Ariel's birthday and how much he wished he could have been there. He also asked me how I felt about him still being on the website. I have 2 quotes today.

 

"I’m happy, extremely happy and she tells me that she is as well but not matter what or what I try to tell myself I know in my heart that with me she is trading the more for the less yet there is no doubt in my mind nor in my heart that she is the love of my life and my everything!"

Bagherra gets to the point without cutting around the truth. He is very straight forward with me, which I found highly attractive in him. By this point I had stopped paying attention to the men out in the free world because my feelings were so strong for Bagherra. I turned away dates and kept to myself. Not because he asked me to but simply because I knew I would be thinking about him the whole time. To me it is strange how once someone grows in your heart you find excuses to not allow anyone else in. Bagherra expresses himself with ease and never holds out on his emotions. I found out quickly I was the same way with him. We've never held back, we leave everything on the page. Never have the mind set where you are afraid to tell the person how you are feeling, whether good or bad. The person receiving that letter is going through similar motions and if anyone knows the pain and the suffering, or the happiness and joy, it's the person who is on this roller coaster with you. always put it what you get out. Things tend to run better when both people put in all they can.  

"Bambina my mind is telling me one thing and yet my heart another! Tinkerbell will you be my lady? Life is a struggle and loneliness has been a part of my everyday world to have you and Ariel by my side is my second chance!! But what I’m asking of you is truly selfish of me… You once told me more or less that you did not believe in a commited relationship between a man in prison and she on the out side world! Tinkerbell i'll never give up on this but I needed to ask you I hope you understand....."

I remember I had to re-read this little bit a couple times before I grasped the concept that the man on the other end of this correspondence was asking me to be his lady, to fully commit to this relationship and there was a chance he was never coming home. There is a chance I will never physically touch him or be able to sleep in the same bed as him. Yet, instead of turning away I embraced it. Now, this may sound crazy but like I've always said love makes us do some crazy shit but I knew I wanted to be with this man, prison or no prison. My feelings weren't going anywhere, rather they were growing strong by the day. I found a man that understood me, that knows all my secrets and has never once judged me. I found a man who loves me and cares for me more than I could ask anyone to. He may be in prison but in no way does that mean I can't be with him. I may not physically be with him, yet we share something most people don't. We built a bond so strong that us ourselves to this day are unable to break. We took the time to figure each other out and we fell in love blindly by accident. Love is love period. I love this man and I knew there was only one answer. To say yes and to fully commit myself to him.

For those who have never had feelings for someone on the other side of the letter you write you may not understand why I would agree to something like this. After all this man is an active gang member and serving a 36 - life sentence. We do not choose who we love, rather we just fall and deal with it as it comes. I had a choice to say no and to continue correspondence just keeping things the way they are. However, at this point I was already in love and knew what I wanted. Simply him. I couldn't focus on someone else being in my life because I knew that there was no one else for me. The love I have for Bagherra runs deep. Deep enough I know it will be there forever. I knew we were bound to have ups and downs and even a few fights. This is all part of a healthy relationship. We took an unknown path together and I never had to feel alone when he was around. I always knew I could pick up my pen and paper and simply write to him. He would always answer back, even if he didn't like the subject I was ranting and raving about. He helped me heal old wounds and lit a spark inside of me that will burn forever. Today's word of the day is Love... Why love? Because ' Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away.' . That is one of my favorite bible verse. We allow others in to love and be loved. We take the good with the bad and the pain with the happiness. We learn to not judge and to never hold something against someone. We love because we are born to love. We give our love knowing we may get hurt in the end, but when we look back we never focus on the bad, only the happy times. Love at it's greatest peak is pure. Nothing can stop it one the feeling hits. Learn to love even if just as friends. When we love we give someone all our trust and devotion. We dedicate our time and our resources to see someone smile, whether a letter or a phone call. Love allows us to have no obstacles we can not face and it allows us to feel unconditionally for someone. Never try to stop love.  

My Personal Blog

I've started a more personal blog about my day to day.

http://alookatmylifethroughmyeyes.blogspot.com/

I'll still be using this for Bagherra, however everything else will be on my other blog. Thanks :)

A Fresh Start

I find myself at a crossroads, not sure which way to turn. For those who I have allowed into my personal life you already know what is going on and for those who have not I will do my best to catch you up to the here and now. As we all know Bagherra and I have separated, things could not be repaired right now in our lives and I believe somewhere inside of me that things would never be the same if I went back. Only time can give me the answers I need, I just hope I have the patients to see this all through.

 

For those who do not know I have moved on. For the last 2 months I have gotten back together with an old 'fling' (I'm not too sure what the proper word would be), anyways this man has always been around for me and I for him. We have both always had feelings, yet never fully acted on them. Well in December we finally decided to try to see where things go, and I must admit they have gone well. At first there was a bit of drama and uncertainty, however we have seemed to smooth things out for the most part! We still bicker, as he is 2000 miles away from me. Now Bagherra knows about this man and this man knows about Bagherra, it is fair to say they both have a resentment for one another. They grew up in the same type of environment and in a way have the same mentality. I always say we must not judge one on appearances, because appearances are misleading. He treats me well and he makes me happy.

 

Now here is why I am venting into my blog. Bagherra and I have been through hell and back. Failed appeals, a SHU term and many - many lonely nights. I have always said no matter what I want Bagherra in my life, unfortunately my new man does not see eye to eye on this with me. I am going to give my man a name... We will call him Stitch. So back on track Stitch and I have not really spoken about this too much, he usually gets mad and an argument is to follow. I want to continue to write to Bagherra as a friend of course. I said to myself I can do this on a friend basis, I can put my feelings aside and help this man find his way out of the dark. Stitch thinks that Bagherra still being in my life will mess things up between him and I. The other night Stitch says to me 'Baby, what would you do if I decided to keep in touch with my ex?', in which I replied 'not going to happen, this is different circumstances'. We did not fight over this at all Stitch simply said to me 'just because they are free doesn't mean anything, what if Bagherra was to be released?'. I didn't quite understand what he was getting at, so I told him I didn't want to talk further about this...

 

Later that night it hit me why he would say that. Stitch has served time in prison as well and he knows what it's like to hope for something more when he gets home. It's not me that's the problem, it's Bagherra and some of the things he might say to try to hold on. Don't get me wrong I love Bagherra and I always will, unfortunately we have gotten to the point that our conversations lead us back around to talking about our past. I will give it time and see if he can change, however if he can not and I can not then I need to find a way to let him go. I am still in contact with Bagherra's sister so I can always get an update on what is going on in his life.

 

I am truly confused as to why this has been bothering me so much. Bagherra always told me I was trading the more for the less with him, that I deserved so much better. I shouldn't feel guilty moving on in my life, and I really don't, but I do feel guilty I may have to say goodbye to a man that I can always depend on and write to if something is troubling me. I have not taken on any other pen pals since things started going south with Bagherra and I, and it's been taking me forever to write back to the one other pen pal I have. The relationship I entered into with Bagherra took a piece of my joy from me when writing to someone locked up. That joy has not returned yet. I find myself almost wanting to back off because I am so afraid it will happen again. I shouldn't be afraid to reach out as a friend, and I know this, I know I'm in a rut and I need to crawl out of it. I made a commitment to my other pen pal and I plan on keeping it!

 

Before I wrap things up I want to say this, Bagherra and I are taking a dark turn in our letters. I understand why. Today I spoke with his sister and told her the latest and she said to me 'my mother feared this would happen'. Bagherra and I need a breather. His sister is going to try to get him to go back up on the pen pal site and I offered to pay for it and she blew that idea off very quickly. I got a very unwelcomed letter that all but called Stitch a horrible human being. I am very closed off to my personal life, so I do not allow many people in and I fear if I bring Bagherra in things will go even more south. Maybe I just need to vent my frustrations or maybe I'm looking for the light at the end of the tunnel. I know what I feel and I know that Bagherra is concerned for both myself and for Ariel. Do I let him in or do I close him out? A breather is the best step right now. I can't push forward with friendship if we can not both move together in that direction. This is tearing a hole in my heart to know I may lose my best friend. Things will work as they are supposed to.

Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in a abundance of counselors there is safety.
- Proverbs 11:14

The Latest

The last few months have been rough on me and I have neglected my blog, well I've finally gotten around to sorting everything out with Bagherra. We have decided to start over, only as friends. It's very hard on both of us, however all we know is we both want to be a part of each others lives. He sent me a letter a few days ago and it was an 'intoduction' letter. I found myself laughing hysterically, not because it was foolish, more so because I forgot what it was like to just be able to read about him and smile.

 

I have since moved on from this relationship into another. My current man is not an inmate. I told Bagherra about him a few weeks ago and for the most part he took it really well. He told me he just wants for my happiness, which is all I want for him. Where we are now, is a very good place. Many say that once the relationship sours, the free woman or man disappears, well I have not. I am here to say 'yes, my relationship failed', BUT that does not mean I have failed, nor has he. Our feelings were pure and real, he wasn't some 'inmate' playing a game. He meant it when he said 'I love you', as did I.

 

Lately I have been in contact with Bagherra's older sister, whom lives in Texas. His family knows that we can not make it work, I thought that all communication would stop, yet the other night on Facebook I said something to his sister and she replied 'you will always be my sister in law'. Those words meant more than I can say. Although Bagherra and I had a falling out everyone involved in the situation found a way to deal with it, however we all chose to deal with it together. I found another family from Bagherra and forever I will be grateful!

 

The point of this blog is to say this, although we choose to be with inmates, there is a chance that things will not work. We all take risks regardless if free or have our freedoms withheld. I will not cry myself to sleep at night, nor have pity upon myself. I will hold my head up high and say 'yes I still love my inmate', my feelings will not change. I have made a friend for life. Someone who I can always have around, someone to support me and someone I know appreciates me as much as I appreciate him. Life works as it will and everyone has a purpose. Bagherra will always be a part of me and I will never give up on him, even though we can not be together. I will still help him fight for his freedom and be the extra support he will always need.

 

I do not know my future, or if Bagherra will one day be a part of it as more than friends. However, I do know right now in my life that he has a place as a friend, as a brother and as a father to Ariel. He will always own a piece of my heart and when I think back on all the things we share I'll smile, simply because for that time I had the chance to share my best with a man who made me better, who taught me about myself and most importantly a man who put love aside or a friendship without making things 'nasty'.

 

'Moving On Is Simple, It's What You Leave Behind That Makes It So Difficult'

The End...

I told myself I would go through all the letters before I begun to talk about the end, but I can not. I never saw an end in sight this time last year, however I see it now, and it's in my rear view mirror. In all honesty sometimes people are meant to love one another, however they are not always meant to be together. Bagherra and I couldn't make this work, I'm sure he can, but I can no longer be with someone like this. If our love is meant to be it will, but right now it's not meant to be.

 

I never questioned Bagherra and the last month all I've been doing is just that. There was another girl, whom he decided to share certain details of his life with, both of them knowing I was in the picture. I can not get around this. This is harder than having "DENIED" thrown at me. Everyone has different views on being faithful and it appears to me that Bagherra and I have different views than one another. For the last year I've gone to bed alone, I have not paid any attention to men that tried to get my attention and I have not so much as lied to Bagherra. Unfortunately he couldn't return that to me.

 

I don't want to dwell on this, nor is my purpose of writing this to bash him. This was is no way a mistake. He always told me I was "Capable", it was always the one word he used to define me. He taught me that I can love and let someone in without questioning their motives. I can tell someone my deep dark secrets and not have to worry about them judging me. Bagherra opened me up to a whole new world that I never allowed myself to live before. He gave me hope, patients and a hell of a good time. In a year I allowed myself to be happy alone, but with someone. We've had our fair share of ups and downs. I've never had a single phone call, just writing on paper. Somehow in the year of doing this I learnt to cope. I learnt to see it all as face value. I had a man who would kill for me, who would die for me and a man that will always hold a part of me. I love him with everything I have, but that love I have is not enough to get us through this.  

 

Being with an inmate is never a mistake. Would I personally do it again? No, I don't think I would. 36 years - Life meant a life of loneliness, no more kids, no more cuddles and no more middle of the night laughs. It meant no hugs, no kisses, no intimacy. This is not why I wouldn't do it again. I would not do this again because of Ariel. Ariel deserves more in this life. I was raised by a single father. A man who provided me with anything I could have ever possibly needed. A man who loved me unconditionally. I was and am still my Daddy's little girl. A fathers love is like no other. It's a bond that can not be defined. I was belted when I misbehaved, but I never questioned it. I never talked back and I never cussed. I grew up with morals and values. Why? My father taught me those things.

 

This love I have will not go away over night, nor do I think it will ever just stop being there. I'll continue to keep in touch with him and help him along his way. I'll still have hope he can one day come home and start a family of his own. Somewhere where he can find his place being productive in society. I'll never wish ill feelings on him, nor will I ever talk down about him. He was good to me, but he wasn't ready for who I was. I never doubted his love nor his feelings. He is a victim of his own surroundings. He's been in a single man cell with no windows or sun for 3 years, with a ton of more time to serve in there. He made his choices. Both in Prison and out of Prison. This doesn't make him a monster. Yes, he is known as a violent person from both the cops where he's from and the people that fear him. To me he was as gentle as possible. He never pushed me, he rarely cussed, he always thanked me and he made sure he knew how much I meant to him.

 

I have not gotten emotional about this in some time and I have a flood of emotions coming back to me now. This man brought this person out of me that I've never seen before. I became better, better at accepting people into my life. We all have something in our past that mentally messes us up and I have quite a few. I learnt to let go and just let things happen. Life will work as it should and theres not a damn thing you can do to change it. The thought of not having him in my life kills me. I'm damaged to say the least. Eventually the pain will go and I will look in a more positive direction, I'll take everything I learnt from him and move forward with that. I hope we stay in touch and can learn to be friends once again.

 

Listen to me, never think of the worst when deciding to be with someone in Prison. Never try to control everything. Lay out ground rules. Allow him or her some breathing room. Let them make mistakes and try to work it out. I did try, but I couldn't allow this to go further. Life is a long time to try to trust someone whose done you wrong. Let them apologize but never be too harsh. They do have feelings. Live your life for what it's worth. Make sure whatever you do from here to the day they put you 6 feet under is worth it. Take the risks, feel the pain and bring it with you. Your pain can only make you stronger. Don't set out with bad intentions and don't play the game. Keep your head up and be on top of what your trying to take on. Most importantly love like there is no tomorrow, in the end you'll have the good memories to take with you, as they always outweigh the bad.

Finally What Could Be Good News For The SHU!!

Case-by-case reviews of gang-validated inmates an important step in new Security Housing Unit policy

 

 SACRAMENTO – The California Department of Corrections and Rehabilitation (CDCR) is now implementing a pilot program that will reduce long-term confinement in Security Housing Units (SHU) and overhaul the way gangs are managed. The “Security Threat Group Identification, Prevention and Management” pilot program was approved and certified by the Office of Administrative Law on October 18, 2012 and filed with the Secretary of State.  It is now the department’s official policy and enabled CDCR to begin conducting case-by-case reviews of inmates in segregated housing.

 

“The new gang management policy was developed with significant input from experts internally and throughout the nation and now includes prevention, interdiction and rehabilitation elements,” Undersecretary of Operations Terri McDonald said.  “This complex retooling of our gang management program requires considerable changes to state regulations and departmental policies and procedures. Implementing it as a pilot will improve the department’s ability to incorporate the new changes,” McDonald added.

 

Because of the magnitude of the changes and the complexity of gang management, CDCR is phasing in implementation. Phase One has begun which includes case-by-case reviews of CDCR’s existing validated gang population housed in its security housing units (SHU). The reviews will determine the appropriate placement of those inmates either in a new Step-Down Program or to general population housing. The reviews began October 25 at Pelican Bay State Prison and continue this week at other institutions.

 

“The reviews are extremely comprehensive and will take time to complete throughout the entire system,” McDonald said.

 

The term security threat group (STG) will generally replace the terms prison gang, disruptive group, and/or street gang within CDCR. The new STG policy is a behavior-based approach that focuses more on individual accountability.  Highlights include:

 

•    Incorporation of an STG prevention program for offenders during the intake process and an orientation process for validated affiliates in the Step-Down Program.

•    Recognition of the different levels of threat posed by STG members, associates and suspects, and that their housing should correspond with their respective threat level.

•    The incorporation of a weight-based point validation system which continues to require a direct link to an existing validated member or associate.

•    A new behavior-based system, which will serve to enhance the existing intelligence-based validation system.

•    A new STG behavior-based disciplinary matrix, which will provide for additional procedural due process safeguards and a system of individual accountability.

•    A new STG Classification Committee, which will provide an additional level of due process review and affirm initial STG validations.

•    STG associates – a majority of inmates housed in SHUs – will no longer be considered for direct administrative placement into a SHU based solely upon their validation to an STG unless there is a corresponding confirmed disciplinary behavior at the time of the original validation.

•    Implementation of an incremental three- to four-year Step-Down Program, which by design will replace the existing six-year inactive review process for validated STG affiliates.

•    The Step-Down Program will be an individual behavior-based program for STG affiliates that will provide graduated housing, enhanced programs and interpersonal interactions as well as corresponding privileges and personal property enhancements.

 

McDonald said Phase Two of the STG pilot program will include the implementation of the new validation process and will begin early next year. Case-by-case reviews of validated affiliates housed in smaller Administrative Segregation Units will also be implemented with the new validation system.

 

“These changes support our goals to reduce long-term SHU confinement, provide alt

ernatives for inmates who want to disassociate from a criminal gang lifestyle, maintain safety in our prisons and communities and have a more effective system that complies with national best practices,” McDonald said.

 

CDCR manages about 3,100 STG (gang) members and associates in security housing units.  About 20 percent of these offenders are validated STG members, who maintain a high level of influence over subservient street gangs and other individuals incarcerated within the prison population and represent a significant threat to the safety of others and institution security.  The remaining 80 percent are validated STG associates, who under the direction of STG members assist in carrying out illicit, disruptive, violent and/or criminal activities in the operations of these criminal organizations.

California Penal Code Section 5058.1 grants CDCR the authority to implement pilot programs. The “Security Threat Group Identification, Prevention and Management” pilot has the force of law and will expire by operation of law in two years or on October 18, 2014 unless adopted by CDCR into the California Code of Regulations using the process described by the Administrative Procedure Act.

 

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
November 8, 2012
Contact: Terry Thornton
(916) 445-4950
 

Letter Breakdown (04/29/2012)

In this letter we spoke about balance and being guarded. We spoke again about his unexpected visitor and how he could have hid it from me and I would have never know, this is a very true and also one of those reasons I never doubt Bagherra. We spoke a bit about one of my sisters who in more or less words have gotten herself lost and does not want to be found. Quotes:

 

"A few letters ago I realized that truly there is no telling where this may lead us nor how long this might last and it’s why I’ve decided that my best guard is to in every way I can tell you how I feel… sometimes you lose someone before you have the opportunity to truly say and express to them how you truly feel and with you my love I didn’t want nor will I take that chance."

 

Inmates have people that come in and out of their life for many different reasons. It seems like in the end everyone seems to "forget" about them besides a very small handful of people. Out here we lose friends by choice and in there they lose friends by distance! Some women think it's exciting to be with an inmate and are in it for the rush and other women are in it forever. They wait patiently at home and truly ride it out with their loved one. Some inmates are the ones that fuck up or push away. Regardless of the circumstances never be afraid to voice what you feel even if it means losing the person you love. Sometimes the greatest gift you can give is freedom. I knew at this point my heart was in it and I couldn't walk away. I couldn't just disappear from Bagherras life. Things had changed and were continue to change on a daily basis. I thought about it and realized I didn't have to justify why I love this man, rather I had to realize why I could see myself with a man in Prison. If you spend more time justifying you'll forget the reasons you want to be with this person. I'm not 100 percent sure on Bagherras past, nor if he's ever lost someone he loves to the walls that surround him. I've never asked that question, maybe I don't care to know, or maybe I'm afraid of the answer. What I did know was he was right, anything could happen overnight and the feelings that were building between us should be put out there. Never second guess your feelings, even if you have them and don't want to develop them into something, let the other person involved know.

 

"To be honest with you I do know a man who fits this description however his taken!!! Yep, yep, yep! His fallen in love! I tried to warn him but NO! He wouldn’t listen to words or common sense but only to what his heart is feeling!!! Tinkerbell his fallen in love with an 'Italian woman' and even though she at the moment doesn’t feel the same way! He won’t ever stop thinking of her – her meaning in his life. But I promise to help you search for your perfect man so that one day you are able to feel and experience what he is feeling today!"

 

I can not put into words what this quote makes me feel. Bagherra has an amazing sense of humor and a heart full of romance. It's hard to picture him and believe these words coming from him at times, trust me when I tell you his pictures make him look like a man that drops women as fast as he gets them. On the other hand love makes us do some crazy shit, it makes us talk funny, dream about this person, and it makes us constantly want to live for someone else. Never doubt how someone is if they don't give you a reason to! Bagherra has always been gentle and caring, he's always spoken to me like this, not always with love but with compassion. Now his grammar defiantly won't win him a spelling bee, but he gets his point across clearly. The ball is in my court, I don't have to feel the same way, but I know how Bagherra feels regardless of what changes we make. In life we hold back, we hide our feelings and we don't express ourselves properly. Then one day someone comes along and tosses everything you thought you knew aside and breaks down your protective walls! Instead of building those walls back up, get help from the loved ones you have, this way when that wall is back up the people who deserve to be in your heart are where they need to be and those who do not deserve it can stay out. Not everyone will hurt you, however we all get hurt once in awhile.

 

Instead of taking everything for granted like they once did, some inmates strive on making themselves better. With a little support they can see that this new life is better than the old one. Sometimes inmates don't have the right type of support. Sometimes family isn't enough. We can not tell our parents everything and it's nice to have someone we can vent to. By sharing all things in your life with those who mean something to you will show them how much you truly care and respect them. Change is a word I use often, so I am going to use it again now. Change comes in many forms, whether negative or positive. Those around us often influence on our change. Say if we live in a house where no one works, lives off the government, robs people and treats us poor chances are the changes in our lives will be hard to reserve. Now say we live in a home full of love, work 3 jobs to support one another, gives back to the community, and treat each other fair we will change for the better. We can not blame how we were raised as an excuse for why we are who we are. When you leave either the positive home or the negative house you have to build a house of your own with your own morals and values. Bagherra build a negative house and today he has himself a place to call home. Now, if your reading this and do not understand what I am trying to get across, you are in for a shock! Humans are not perfect, they are subjects of their environment, YET, we all make our own choices whether good or bad and at some point we DO correct it.



Letter Breakdown (04/28/2012)

Let's get started! This letter was a bit longer, not because it was filled with more, but because it was my first Spanish lesson and we spoke about a old friend of mine that still lives the lifestyle that Bagherra lived at one time. The conversation was awkward to say the least, but like everything else we got past it. In this letter it's clear to see that there was love and compassion in his writing, that he voiced his concerns about the state was thinking about moving to. We spoke about this family him and I built. How this is scary but exciting at the same time! Quotes:

 

"Hermosa believe me I do understand how difficult this type of relationship is. The rush of emotions, the worlds apart and the lack of a touch! Tinkerbell I understand what your going through because I’m going through the same emotions, the ups and owns and dealing with similar feelings."

 

This is when we realized we were at the same point in this "relationship". We were both drawn to each other and wondering what we do about it. It's not easy to make such a huge decision. Do I wait for a man that may never get out? Do I tell him I need physical touch? Or do I jump in blind and take chances. I'm sure Bagherra was thinking similar things. I couldn't imagine how crushing it is to love someone and them not love you back. I've always been the one to not love back and walk away not worrying about what the other person involved felt. Bagherra was different I did care. I wanted him around and I couldn't for the life of me figure out why! Maybe I didn't need to! I just had to let it happen. I expressed everything to him, I didn't hold back. I needed him to know how I felt and where I wanted this to go, all while being cautious. Being in love isn't always perfect, but being in love makes you take chances, it changes the way you see road blocks and it opens your heart to many other feelings. Everyone plans what they want in life and sometimes life takes a dangerous turn quickly. Some people control it and other just enjoy the ride. Even if you enjoy the ride be cautious of others feelings, know that you are not the only person involved. This is a lesson I wish I would have learnt a long time ago. There is one particular part of my life I wish I could go back and right my wrongs. I don't regret how it went, but sometimes it's too late to say I'm sorry. I'll never get a chance to tell someone I'm sorry and that had been heavy on my mind as of late. As usual I was ready to walk away and forget about who I was with, then next thing you know he's gone forever. Maybe that's a part of why I was so drawn to Bagherra, not to right my wrongs but to believe in things I never could before, things I've never allowed to feel. I was ready to walk away for one man because something in me was changing and I didn't like it. Instead of walking away from Bagherra I dealt with my feelings and I got on the ride without thinking twice. Bagherra is different than any man I've ever known. He's not afraid of his feelings and he doesn't hide them.

 

"Thank you for keeping me in your life because with you and Ariel I’m living my dream, a family, daughter and the love of my adult life. I fell in love with you but don’t let my words push you away! These are my feelings and I don’t expect anything from you…"

 

This was the first time he told me he loved me. I remember I dropped the letter and begun to shake. I was expecting feelings, I knew they were there, but love came and hit me dead in the face and left a scar. I didn't know what to do, nor what to say. I'm sure my return letter was a bunch of ramblings mixed with a concrete wall. I didn't shut down, this is also a first. I didn't change the subject as fast as I could. I knew I was headed in that direction and I didn't do a damn thing to stop it. Sure, I tried to tell myself this can't be love, that I'm sure Bagherra has loved before in Prison and it's just a common thing for them to fall in love with a girl giving them attention. Then I stopped myself and I thought I was going crazy. I was finding excuses to push this mans love away and to try to stop my feelings from being there. This is who I was a year ago. That is not who I am today. Doubts will always be there. You may not always see eye to eye and love may blind you, but if you find someone that treats you right and they are perfect in your eyes then stop making excuses and be with that person. Life never can be planned, it can't be altered to your liking! Life just happens and so does love. They say convicts have all day to think of things to say to you and to draw you in, and I'm sure that they do. However they also have all day to think about you, dream with you and want badly to be with you. Being blinded by love is one thing but being blinded with ignorance is another thing. Listen to your own voice and go with what your voice tells you. You can not control what you have never done. This is my first and I can promise last relationship with an inmate I will never go through this again. However today in my life and at this time, and probably for a long time, Bagherra is all I need. Stop going on statistics, stop letting others poison you and think for yourself. The most important decisions ultimately come from you.

 

This is the love and compassion, not all of it but a piece of it. Emotions are scary regardless of the circumstances. Emotions drive some people to do some crazy shit and not think twice about it. We've all done something for someone that we never thought we'd do in a million years. This is the process of love and how love works. Now love can not be put into words, but how we express ourselves while in love speaks loudly. Its hard to pretend you love someone when you don't, but its harder to pretend that you don't love someone when you really do. That about sums up what I was going through. A dilemma so to speak! I didn't know what the fuck was going on and I was shocked. I was more shocked that just a few months prior he was telling me a relationship like this could never happen that love is all but a myth in Prison, and now he's telling me he loves me. It's hilarious how it works and what we try to avoid hits us both. Too many people over react when love comes into play. When we get older we may miss the chance at a pure love and I knew I wasn't going to miss my chance. I had found a man I could be with for a lifetime, I found a man I could grow old with and most important I found a man that I couldn't hold back from. However you rationalize love in your head take one piece of advise. Everyone loves a good Disney movie. I for one do! However we all know love doesn't work like that there never is a happy ever after. We must always work for the happy ever after. Let me be the first to tell you that I'm living my own Fairy Tale. It's not a Disney movie, but it's my own life. I see this love as my own happy ever after. I don't have to rationalize it to you or anyone else. My love is not perfect in any way shape or form, but my love is pure enough to keep this relationship going. It's pure enough to have me thinking about a future with Bagherra. Most important and above all else it's pure enough to be my story of love, my happy ever after and my own fairy tale. Stop rationalizing love and write your own book, don't copy someone elses.



Letter Breakdown (04/25/2012)

Again, this was another short letter. I had begun teaching him my first language, which is Italian. He had to translate quite a bit of sentences that I sent him. Other than that we spoke about our family and of course the highlight of our lives... Ariel. There is only one quote today, so it'll be a short one this morning!

 

"Babe we’ve come a long way. Even though it’s only been a few months feelings are growing yet it’s sweet and sour because this means things will get more and more difficult for us! On my part I can promise you that I am willing! Willing with all my heart and soul to live this special relationship with you and Ariel regardless of the mind-struggle if we both wish and hope for the same things, cherish this special moment and holding each other’s hand together we’ll walk through this…"

 

This quote has significant meaning to me. Out here we usually build a friendship, go into a relationship, fall in love, get married and then have children. In our case we built a friendship, had a child. fell in love and then it developed into a relationship. I can not even fathom how this happened, but that's the way it went down. Everyday is a struggle for an inmate, the struggle t keep their sanity, to control what is around them, to protect themselves and most importantly to survive. Now add a relationship in there and it seems like they can not handle all they have. Bagherra separates his ways in Prison and how he is with me. We rarely mixed the two together. Our relationship does not include Prison and others in Prison. It includes Bagherra, Ariel and I. Many know of our relationship and not many understand it. Try explaining that a convict isn't just a convict. I have friends that are married with children that are jealous of the relationship I share with Bagherra. They say he's a "perfect man". I disagree... Bagherra is far from perfect, but for me he is perfect. We balance each other out. Balance is truly important. Two people with short fuses are a recipe for disaster. Two people afraid to open up are a recipe for disaster. Most importantly to people that are afraid are the worst recipe you can have. If you want this to work be level headed, think things through, never make on the spot decisions. They may cost you not only your relationship but someone that means so much to you. Voice your concerns, calm your nerves and most importantly THINK! 

 

Prisons are made to break happy homes, it's up to us that are in a relationship to fight for what you believe in, to stand beside your loved one no matter how bad things get and openly communicate with those you love. Raising children is the same concept. It is hard to have Ariel only know a photo, she has no voice reminder, no physical touch she can rely on. Women/Men out here must plant that seed not only in our minds but the minds of our children. Living a life like this will have you broken one minute and wondering why you broke the next moment. You will have a moment of weakness and tears will come. It is a part of this life. I can not begin to tell you how many times I've broken. I'm not ashamed to admit I've broken, I've thrown things and I've released built up hatred for the system. Having that release keeps my mind focused on the important things in my life. Bagherra pretty high on this list, I keep it together for him. I lean on him during times of weakness and I don't hide that side from him. He knows I'm a strong woman and capable of taking on the world by myself with very little equipment. I was raised to be independent so I don't depend on a man, instead I have a man who matches my every step, who encourages me to be better and who makes my world a better place. He is my last thought before bed and my first reminder in the morning, really everything else in between too. Find strength within the person you chose to share you life with, tell them when your feeling weak and don't be afraid to let the tears come. Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while, so that we can see life with a clearer view again. Don't ever forgot the direction your life is moving in and never forget those who help you get there. Loving someone is easy, making it work is the hardest thing to do!

Letter Breakdown (4/24/2012)

There isn't much to break down in this letter. Again it surrounds our daughters very first birthday and how I plan to celebrate it. We also touched on feelings, which if it isn't obvious already it's something we do every letter. There's also space dedicated to us telling each other how we feel. This is when I begun showing Bagherra a different side of me, a more gentle side. Quotes:

 

"Sweetheart from the beginning my intentions were to find a little company, someone to share experiences, ideas and conversation with however with you I’ve already found that and much – much more! Tinkerbell this is how I feel about you! You live in my heart and as the day passes by I think and miss you more and more! You live in my heart no matter how many times I tell myself off for allowing this to happen as a crazy man I only laugh. I laugh because I once told you that falling in love with someone it’s not about wanting to but simply something that just happens!"

 

In a relationship communication is all you have to go on. You can not depend on anything else. The physical aspect is non existent in my relationship. I don't have conjugals or visits that allow us to hold hands. If I visit it will be through glass and a phone. Last night I was looking at some things and I found myself getting annoyed. I was annoyed because so many women are not only naive to this type of relationship, but so many people instead of trying to get people to understand tell them it's a waste of time and not worth it. Now I know why Prison relationships have such a bad statistic. Believing in a relationship like this is hard enough, people shouldn't be adding to the pressure! Love happens, it knows no boundaries and doesn't discriminate. We can not help who we love, but we can chose who to be with. When you love someone it doesn't mean you have to be with them, but if you chose to you must deal with everything that comes with that person. Everyone has flaws and in order to love someone you must love their flaws. I accept Bagherra is in Prison, I do not have another choice. The negativity my relationship brings, does not bring me down. It gives me strength to know so many out here are narrow minded and do not see the bigger picture. Love is love PERIOD. Bagherra would never intentionally hurt me, or throw something stupid in my face. He's gentle and he's kind. He cares and he isn't afraid to show that side to me. You may not see that side of him, but I do. I know who I have. We are all too judgemental on others relationships. If you see someone struggling you should stop and ask yourself how you can help not how you can further beat this man or woman down!

 

"For many years you’ve been hiding your feelings and for many years I thought that I’ll never fall in love again but love came for me and today you no longer hold back your feelings! You say that I’ve impacted your life but in truth it’s you and Ariel who’ve impacted mine the two of you together for very different yet similar reasons have changed a huge part of me!!!!"

 

When your on the outside looking it, it seems Bagherra tells me the same things over and over and he does often repeat himself. This is something I have wanted to bring up for awhile. It's not him repeating himself it's him knowing what is happening to him and to us. Change can happen in many ways. It could come through death, life and love. Regardless change happens for whatever reason and that change may shock you or come as a surprise. Bagherra was not ever expecting for his priorities in Prison to change. They did, it look life and then it took love. He fell for Ariel first, which to me is understandable. A child is innocent, they are made to be loved and to give love. Then came love for me, which made us a family. I never expected Bagherra to accept Ariel, or even myself. I expected a friendship that could last and good conversation. I was hoping to pass some time and get to know him. Instead I found him. Now if your confused I'll explain. I've never looked for love nor have I wanted to feel it. I put my guards down with Bagherra because I truly didn't think that I would need them. So while I wasn't looking I found what I could never have before. Love. A feeling so deep inside of me I had to fight the urge to run scared. Bagherra never thought he's find love in Prison but love came in a envelope one day and instead of turning it away he embraced it. Love happens when you least expect it. It creeps up on you and by time you realize it's happened it's already too late. That person will always live within you.

 

I'm not sure what to say after all of that. I can say this. Letting your guard down can end in two ways. A inmate will take advantage of it, or they will embrace it and treat you kind. Never be too naive to see the negative in someone, but never hold it against them. Never throw past mistakes in someones face, instead let them talk it out. Everyone must learn and grow from our pasts. We must move forward without hesitation because of what the next person might think. We are who we are and we can not change that if we are not willing to. Allow someone into your life and share all aspects of that life with them. Not everyone will judge you and if you are afraid to be judged than you yourself must stop breaking yourself down. Without our past we would not be individuals. Yes, we have all made mistakes, and most of us have learnt from it. Today's word of the day is Judgemental. It is not for me to judge another man's life. I must judge, I must choose, I must spurn, purely for myself. For myself, alone. Before judging someone elses life take a look at your own. You have flaws and if you don't think you do than you have some maturing to do. We all must be understanding of the next persons past, present and future. We must first learn to love ourselves, to open ourselves up and to be honest with ourselves. If we can not do this, we will never accept the next person. It all begins with you and taking those steps to better yourself.

Letter Breakdown (04/19/2012)

This letter we spoke more about the feelings developing between the two of us. We also spoke on one of his pass times, which is helping others with appeals. He found something similar to his case and is hoping that this will knock off sometime on his sentence. Our daughters first birthday was right around the corner and she seemed to be a lot of the focus as well! Let's get to the quotes.

 

"Hermosa I’m sorry if my words at times confuse you therefore I’ll be completely clear today – by your quick wit and charm I am impressed! By your beautiful green eyes and tiny body I am obsessed! By the thought and wish of your love I am possessed! There are many feelings pounding deep within my heart! Feelings so strong telling me that love is growing fast! Song dedication! From me to you! What love has joined together by Mary Wells"

 

For those who have never heard this song I will post the link to the youtube video for it... ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oYpBg6N7tG ). Now moving froward to the quote. I come back to that word clarity... Sometimes we take words wrong and are not sure what to make of them. If I am ever confused I let Bagherra know that. He always answers back with what he initially meant. I try not too take his words for face value. This all lead up the the initial I love you. This build up meant to me it was coming soon and it was too late to control things, or to walk away. For those women who are blinded and think that a friendship is JUST  a friendship, look for the signs. If your not looking for a relationship make sure in the beginning you don't allow the little things to become a big thing. Love happens and so does heartbreaks, but don't drag someone along just to tell them you can't give them more. Inmates still feel like we do and they can still feel pain for the loss of you. We are here for support and friendship and if your not willing to turn it to more, don't just avoid the romance. Hit it head on and stop it before it gets to far. Don't be a bitch about it neither. Let them down gently. Everyone deserves that respect.

 

"Hermosa your amazing, for you to tell me that I’m your one exception, for you to share with me Ariel and your heart the two most precious parts of your life means the world to me! Sweetie of course we are in this together! And if I don’t feel the same as you right this moment it’s only because my feelings for you were planted sooner then yours and today are growing and growing faster…"

 

There is the lead up crash! No, he did not say I love you, however what do you think he said "Oh it's nice I'm your friend and you care for me"? Read between the lines. Giving your heart to a man or woman that is free is no different than giving it to a man or woman behind bars. There is so many things that could happen, things might not work out, other people may interfere, or time will just tear you apart. Logical any relationship with an inmate sounds crazy and may just be a fucked up decision. However there is so much proof that it's not. It's something that is pure. Not being able to touch the person you love, or go to sleep with them, or to call them when you want takes strength. It takes a mentality some people do not understand. Bagherra will forever be my one exception in my life. I'm not one to hold on or to love, but something in Bagherra wanted me to be that person. the person that can share my life with someone. The person that doesn't hold back from fear but allows fear to push me forward. Getting over fears in life will always be an obstacle. Loving someone is never a mistake. It is something that has to be real. It can't be an obsession or a joke. Don't let your own games and drama get yourself twisted. Be open minded and be real. If you can not handle a relationship with someone in Prison don't be in one.

 

My relationship is far from normal. Even the beginning stages are not like usual. Before we even had a committed relationship we had developed love. We had worked all our fears out and begun to fear new things. I could not imagine my tomorrow without Bagherra and I don't want to. I do have a back up plan in case things go south. I am focused on my own life. However I include Bagherra in my life and together we plan for a future. He knows what I want from life and how I plan to get it. I want him to be a part of it. So my back up plan is not another man, my back up plan is going through with the things I want, such as more schooling, moving to another state etc, all while bringing a part of Bagherra with me. Some women and men completely shut down in a relationship like this. I can not. Even when Bagherra and I had feelings I knew I was free to see other people, now I didn't but I always knew that was an option, however I decided I wanted to see where this went. If you see your views changing on men/women out here than maybe it's time to take that next step with your inmate. Maybe it's time to cut the bullshit and come out with how you feel. I will never put everything in my life on hold for Bagherra, instead I will include him in everything I do. I don't have wandering eyes or hands. I know what I have and Bagherra is more than worth the wait. Remember when getting involved you can't just think of it as "Well he will never know", your right he won't, but it will tear you up inside and sooner or later it will come out. It takes courage to admit your cheated, but instead of cheating don't put yourself in a situation like that. If this type of relationship is over bearing be honest about it. If it's meant to be it will be, and if it's not don't force it. Now I'm not saying all women that cheat don't deserve the man they have, but I've never been one to cheat and I won't start because my man is locked up. Some women are different than me and you are who you are at the end of the day what you have and what you allow in your relationship is up to you. Don't let my boundaries be your boundaries, but make sure you have boundaries to begin with.