In this letter we spoke about balance and being guarded. We spoke again about his unexpected visitor and how he could have hid it from me and I would have never know, this is a very true and also one of those reasons I never doubt Bagherra. We spoke a bit about one of my sisters who in more or less words have gotten herself lost and does not want to be found. Quotes:
"A few letters ago I realized that truly there is no telling where this may lead us nor how long this might last and it’s why I’ve decided that my best guard is to in every way I can tell you how I feel… sometimes you lose someone before you have the opportunity to truly say and express to them how you truly feel and with you my love I didn’t want nor will I take that chance."
Inmates have people that come in and out of their life for many different reasons. It seems like in the end everyone seems to "forget" about them besides a very small handful of people. Out here we lose friends by choice and in there they lose friends by distance! Some women think it's exciting to be with an inmate and are in it for the rush and other women are in it forever. They wait patiently at home and truly ride it out with their loved one. Some inmates are the ones that fuck up or push away. Regardless of the circumstances never be afraid to voice what you feel even if it means losing the person you love. Sometimes the greatest gift you can give is freedom. I knew at this point my heart was in it and I couldn't walk away. I couldn't just disappear from Bagherras life. Things had changed and were continue to change on a daily basis. I thought about it and realized I didn't have to justify why I love this man, rather I had to realize why I could see myself with a man in Prison. If you spend more time justifying you'll forget the reasons you want to be with this person. I'm not 100 percent sure on Bagherras past, nor if he's ever lost someone he loves to the walls that surround him. I've never asked that question, maybe I don't care to know, or maybe I'm afraid of the answer. What I did know was he was right, anything could happen overnight and the feelings that were building between us should be put out there. Never second guess your feelings, even if you have them and don't want to develop them into something, let the other person involved know.
"To be honest with you I do know a man who fits this description however his taken!!! Yep, yep, yep! His fallen in love! I tried to warn him but NO! He wouldn’t listen to words or common sense but only to what his heart is feeling!!! Tinkerbell his fallen in love with an 'Italian woman' and even though she at the moment doesn’t feel the same way! He won’t ever stop thinking of her – her meaning in his life. But I promise to help you search for your perfect man so that one day you are able to feel and experience what he is feeling today!"
I can not put into words what this quote makes me feel. Bagherra has an amazing sense of humor and a heart full of romance. It's hard to picture him and believe these words coming from him at times, trust me when I tell you his pictures make him look like a man that drops women as fast as he gets them. On the other hand love makes us do some crazy shit, it makes us talk funny, dream about this person, and it makes us constantly want to live for someone else. Never doubt how someone is if they don't give you a reason to! Bagherra has always been gentle and caring, he's always spoken to me like this, not always with love but with compassion. Now his grammar defiantly won't win him a spelling bee, but he gets his point across clearly. The ball is in my court, I don't have to feel the same way, but I know how Bagherra feels regardless of what changes we make. In life we hold back, we hide our feelings and we don't express ourselves properly. Then one day someone comes along and tosses everything you thought you knew aside and breaks down your protective walls! Instead of building those walls back up, get help from the loved ones you have, this way when that wall is back up the people who deserve to be in your heart are where they need to be and those who do not deserve it can stay out. Not everyone will hurt you, however we all get hurt once in awhile.
Instead of taking everything for granted like they once did, some inmates strive on making themselves better. With a little support they can see that this new life is better than the old one. Sometimes inmates don't have the right type of support. Sometimes family isn't enough. We can not tell our parents everything and it's nice to have someone we can vent to. By sharing all things in your life with those who mean something to you will show them how much you truly care and respect them. Change is a word I use often, so I am going to use it again now. Change comes in many forms, whether negative or positive. Those around us often influence on our change. Say if we live in a house where no one works, lives off the government, robs people and treats us poor chances are the changes in our lives will be hard to reserve. Now say we live in a home full of love, work 3 jobs to support one another, gives back to the community, and treat each other fair we will change for the better. We can not blame how we were raised as an excuse for why we are who we are. When you leave either the positive home or the negative house you have to build a house of your own with your own morals and values. Bagherra build a negative house and today he has himself a place to call home. Now, if your reading this and do not understand what I am trying to get across, you are in for a shock! Humans are not perfect, they are subjects of their environment, YET, we all make our own choices whether good or bad and at some point we DO correct it.
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