Let's get started! This letter was a bit longer, not because it was filled with more, but because it was my first Spanish lesson and we spoke about a old friend of mine that still lives the lifestyle that Bagherra lived at one time. The conversation was awkward to say the least, but like everything else we got past it. In this letter it's clear to see that there was love and compassion in his writing, that he voiced his concerns about the state was thinking about moving to. We spoke about this family him and I built. How this is scary but exciting at the same time! Quotes:
"Hermosa believe me I do understand how difficult this type of relationship is. The rush of emotions, the worlds apart and the lack of a touch! Tinkerbell I understand what your going through because I’m going through the same emotions, the ups and owns and dealing with similar feelings."
This is when we realized we were at the same point in this "relationship". We were both drawn to each other and wondering what we do about it. It's not easy to make such a huge decision. Do I wait for a man that may never get out? Do I tell him I need physical touch? Or do I jump in blind and take chances. I'm sure Bagherra was thinking similar things. I couldn't imagine how crushing it is to love someone and them not love you back. I've always been the one to not love back and walk away not worrying about what the other person involved felt. Bagherra was different I did care. I wanted him around and I couldn't for the life of me figure out why! Maybe I didn't need to! I just had to let it happen. I expressed everything to him, I didn't hold back. I needed him to know how I felt and where I wanted this to go, all while being cautious. Being in love isn't always perfect, but being in love makes you take chances, it changes the way you see road blocks and it opens your heart to many other feelings. Everyone plans what they want in life and sometimes life takes a dangerous turn quickly. Some people control it and other just enjoy the ride. Even if you enjoy the ride be cautious of others feelings, know that you are not the only person involved. This is a lesson I wish I would have learnt a long time ago. There is one particular part of my life I wish I could go back and right my wrongs. I don't regret how it went, but sometimes it's too late to say I'm sorry. I'll never get a chance to tell someone I'm sorry and that had been heavy on my mind as of late. As usual I was ready to walk away and forget about who I was with, then next thing you know he's gone forever. Maybe that's a part of why I was so drawn to Bagherra, not to right my wrongs but to believe in things I never could before, things I've never allowed to feel. I was ready to walk away for one man because something in me was changing and I didn't like it. Instead of walking away from Bagherra I dealt with my feelings and I got on the ride without thinking twice. Bagherra is different than any man I've ever known. He's not afraid of his feelings and he doesn't hide them.
"Thank you for keeping me in your life because with you and Ariel I’m living my dream, a family, daughter and the love of my adult life. I fell in love with you but don’t let my words push you away! These are my feelings and I don’t expect anything from you…"
This was the first time he told me he loved me. I remember I dropped the letter and begun to shake. I was expecting feelings, I knew they were there, but love came and hit me dead in the face and left a scar. I didn't know what to do, nor what to say. I'm sure my return letter was a bunch of ramblings mixed with a concrete wall. I didn't shut down, this is also a first. I didn't change the subject as fast as I could. I knew I was headed in that direction and I didn't do a damn thing to stop it. Sure, I tried to tell myself this can't be love, that I'm sure Bagherra has loved before in Prison and it's just a common thing for them to fall in love with a girl giving them attention. Then I stopped myself and I thought I was going crazy. I was finding excuses to push this mans love away and to try to stop my feelings from being there. This is who I was a year ago. That is not who I am today. Doubts will always be there. You may not always see eye to eye and love may blind you, but if you find someone that treats you right and they are perfect in your eyes then stop making excuses and be with that person. Life never can be planned, it can't be altered to your liking! Life just happens and so does love. They say convicts have all day to think of things to say to you and to draw you in, and I'm sure that they do. However they also have all day to think about you, dream with you and want badly to be with you. Being blinded by love is one thing but being blinded with ignorance is another thing. Listen to your own voice and go with what your voice tells you. You can not control what you have never done. This is my first and I can promise last relationship with an inmate I will never go through this again. However today in my life and at this time, and probably for a long time, Bagherra is all I need. Stop going on statistics, stop letting others poison you and think for yourself. The most important decisions ultimately come from you.
This is the love and compassion, not all of it but a piece of it. Emotions are scary regardless of the circumstances. Emotions drive some people to do some crazy shit and not think twice about it. We've all done something for someone that we never thought we'd do in a million years. This is the process of love and how love works. Now love can not be put into words, but how we express ourselves while in love speaks loudly. Its hard to pretend you love someone when you don't, but its harder to pretend that you don't love someone when you really do. That about sums up what I was going through. A dilemma so to speak! I didn't know what the fuck was going on and I was shocked. I was more shocked that just a few months prior he was telling me a relationship like this could never happen that love is all but a myth in Prison, and now he's telling me he loves me. It's hilarious how it works and what we try to avoid hits us both. Too many people over react when love comes into play. When we get older we may miss the chance at a pure love and I knew I wasn't going to miss my chance. I had found a man I could be with for a lifetime, I found a man I could grow old with and most important I found a man that I couldn't hold back from. However you rationalize love in your head take one piece of advise. Everyone loves a good Disney movie. I for one do! However we all know love doesn't work like that there never is a happy ever after. We must always work for the happy ever after. Let me be the first to tell you that I'm living my own Fairy Tale. It's not a Disney movie, but it's my own life. I see this love as my own happy ever after. I don't have to rationalize it to you or anyone else. My love is not perfect in any way shape or form, but my love is pure enough to keep this relationship going. It's pure enough to have me thinking about a future with Bagherra. Most important and above all else it's pure enough to be my story of love, my happy ever after and my own fairy tale. Stop rationalizing love and write your own book, don't copy someone elses.
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