There isn't much to break down in this letter. Again it surrounds our daughters very first birthday and how I plan to celebrate it. We also touched on feelings, which if it isn't obvious already it's something we do every letter. There's also space dedicated to us telling each other how we feel. This is when I begun showing Bagherra a different side of me, a more gentle side. Quotes:
"Sweetheart from the beginning my intentions were to find a little company, someone to share experiences, ideas and conversation with however with you I’ve already found that and much – much more! Tinkerbell this is how I feel about you! You live in my heart and as the day passes by I think and miss you more and more! You live in my heart no matter how many times I tell myself off for allowing this to happen as a crazy man I only laugh. I laugh because I once told you that falling in love with someone it’s not about wanting to but simply something that just happens!"
In a relationship communication is all you have to go on. You can not depend on anything else. The physical aspect is non existent in my relationship. I don't have conjugals or visits that allow us to hold hands. If I visit it will be through glass and a phone. Last night I was looking at some things and I found myself getting annoyed. I was annoyed because so many women are not only naive to this type of relationship, but so many people instead of trying to get people to understand tell them it's a waste of time and not worth it. Now I know why Prison relationships have such a bad statistic. Believing in a relationship like this is hard enough, people shouldn't be adding to the pressure! Love happens, it knows no boundaries and doesn't discriminate. We can not help who we love, but we can chose who to be with. When you love someone it doesn't mean you have to be with them, but if you chose to you must deal with everything that comes with that person. Everyone has flaws and in order to love someone you must love their flaws. I accept Bagherra is in Prison, I do not have another choice. The negativity my relationship brings, does not bring me down. It gives me strength to know so many out here are narrow minded and do not see the bigger picture. Love is love PERIOD. Bagherra would never intentionally hurt me, or throw something stupid in my face. He's gentle and he's kind. He cares and he isn't afraid to show that side to me. You may not see that side of him, but I do. I know who I have. We are all too judgemental on others relationships. If you see someone struggling you should stop and ask yourself how you can help not how you can further beat this man or woman down!
"For many years you’ve been hiding your feelings and for many years I thought that I’ll never fall in love again but love came for me and today you no longer hold back your feelings! You say that I’ve impacted your life but in truth it’s you and Ariel who’ve impacted mine the two of you together for very different yet similar reasons have changed a huge part of me!!!!"
When your on the outside looking it, it seems Bagherra tells me the same things over and over and he does often repeat himself. This is something I have wanted to bring up for awhile. It's not him repeating himself it's him knowing what is happening to him and to us. Change can happen in many ways. It could come through death, life and love. Regardless change happens for whatever reason and that change may shock you or come as a surprise. Bagherra was not ever expecting for his priorities in Prison to change. They did, it look life and then it took love. He fell for Ariel first, which to me is understandable. A child is innocent, they are made to be loved and to give love. Then came love for me, which made us a family. I never expected Bagherra to accept Ariel, or even myself. I expected a friendship that could last and good conversation. I was hoping to pass some time and get to know him. Instead I found him. Now if your confused I'll explain. I've never looked for love nor have I wanted to feel it. I put my guards down with Bagherra because I truly didn't think that I would need them. So while I wasn't looking I found what I could never have before. Love. A feeling so deep inside of me I had to fight the urge to run scared. Bagherra never thought he's find love in Prison but love came in a envelope one day and instead of turning it away he embraced it. Love happens when you least expect it. It creeps up on you and by time you realize it's happened it's already too late. That person will always live within you.
I'm not sure what to say after all of that. I can say this. Letting your guard down can end in two ways. A inmate will take advantage of it, or they will embrace it and treat you kind. Never be too naive to see the negative in someone, but never hold it against them. Never throw past mistakes in someones face, instead let them talk it out. Everyone must learn and grow from our pasts. We must move forward without hesitation because of what the next person might think. We are who we are and we can not change that if we are not willing to. Allow someone into your life and share all aspects of that life with them. Not everyone will judge you and if you are afraid to be judged than you yourself must stop breaking yourself down. Without our past we would not be individuals. Yes, we have all made mistakes, and most of us have learnt from it. Today's word of the day is Judgemental. It is not for me to judge another man's life. I must judge, I must choose, I must spurn, purely for myself. For myself, alone. Before judging someone elses life take a look at your own. You have flaws and if you don't think you do than you have some maturing to do. We all must be understanding of the next persons past, present and future. We must first learn to love ourselves, to open ourselves up and to be honest with ourselves. If we can not do this, we will never accept the next person. It all begins with you and taking those steps to better yourself.
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