To quickly break this letter down we spoke about what road Bagherra and I should take, whether we should allow our feelings to develop or to let them go, while letting each other go. There is one part that had my eyes slanting and my anger rushing. Just like everything else we both had our say and at the end of the day we worked it out. It's clear even in this letter than we had become more than friends, we just hadn't taken that step yet. Onto the quotes:
"That it’s never crossed my mind that I’ll find in prison what I didn’t find as a free man, to become a father from within these walls and to think of, dream and hope with a woman as much as I do with you."
We all only allow those in our lives that we think should be in there. When beginning this journey I went in with an open mind, not quite open to a relationship, but an open mind none the less! To go back and see everything develop assures me that I did see it coming and I chose to ignore what could potentially happen. Bagherra by this point had meant a lot to me. His words always had a meaning in my life. This quote always makes me feel like a school girl. I found someone so special, and I can honestly say most people want this type of man free or not. He proves each and every letter why I am special to him, why he feels for me and how his life has changed since I came into it. It's not everyday someone can say they found true love and it's not everyday someone will tell you their true love is locked up. While I'm living this life. The smallest things are what make the most impact in our lives. How Bagherra expresses himself is why I find myself where I am today. A small quote like this is an eye openers. It's a confession in it's own ways. We all have dreams, fantasies and hopes. To live a life with all these things is a life worth living. Never hold back and allow things to unfold. Don't let fear stop you. If you have a good feeling run with it and see what comes from it.
"Babe believe me for similar reasons I understand what your going through! You should be terrified of growing feelings through pen and paper! It’s an easy way to get to know somebody yet extremely difficult to hold a relationship! Bambina you know where you stand with me, you know what I think of you and how I feel about you!"
Debating with yourself and others if this is something you want is key to knowing how to approach a friendship like this. I was scared out of my mind that I was developing feelings at this rate for Bagherra. Something in me wouldn't allow me to push away. Something told me to keep going. Instead of going around it Bagherra hit the problem head on and expressed how he felt about all these things that were changing in us. Him being this open is a blessing and a curse. I didn't want to see what was happening right before my eyes, but Bagherra had the right to know that I was changing too. He had the right to know that this was headed in a dangerous direction. Things we stood against were now falling more into place than ever before. Bagherra was not trying to reassure me of his feelings, he was letting me know he's at the same point where I am. Scared, confused and wanting to know where this leads. We can not expect everyone to feel the same way we feel for them. Clarity is always needed in a situation like this. Expressing yourself to someone isn't giving in, it's not ruining or twisting a friendship it's being honest. Honesty is all everyone in Prison wants. They live in a world where the next man will fuck you over! They will lie to your face and not think twice about it. There are some crazy women who write to men and hint at things. Look, NEVER hint always be straight forward. If you think you have feelings or even if you think you are being played never be afraid to express that. Friendships might be ruined and they may not feel the same for you, but at least you got it off your chest. You can continue living knowing you did what you needed to do. Yes, that may sound selfish but in life all you truly can control is you. Don't try to control a situation like this. It will end up worse than what it started!
"During these days I was a “super cholo” who truly didn’t think more of a holiday then just another day to drink and party… Tinkerbell this is where I now see change in me. Change that you and our daughter have brought to my life! I would love to spend holidays and every day with the two of you with drinking and partying the last thing on my mind."
Bagherra reorganized his priorities. His life had changed forever in the blink of an eye. This is proof people really do change. Old beliefs and values get thrown out the window when you see something better in your life. We all in the end want the same things (well most of us do), we want someone to love and with love comes change. You can not change someone, someone must change for themselves. Change does happen in all of us at some point in our lives and I was that point for Bagherra. I've never pushed him to debrief, I've never made him choose between his gang and his family. I never will. These choices must always be made by him. Some people may read this and think I'm stupid. I'm obviously smarter than you. Let me explain something, a man will only make the choices he wants to make. A man never wants to choose. So if you push him to give up his gang or hell anything else in his life things will end bad, viciously. We must remember that change doesn't happen over night, change is progressive. In the last year I've seen enough change to know when Bagherra comes home his gang life will be behind him, does that mean he doesn't think about it? No, but he made the choice he wanted to make. Now if he made this decision for me because I forced him to chances are he will go back to that life. Be patient, if you are not patient you may lose the person you care for. Think of what you can change in yourself before you think of what you can change in others.
Loving a inmate behind bars is something that requires strength, patients and understanding. We must always remember that prison life is a million times different than our lives. Most inmates depend on their own kind to be safe and secure. Although there is a chance that their own people will turn on them. Worrying about this will destroy you. I've been through phase already. I got over it. I know that Bagherra can take care of himself. I still worry, even though he tells me not to, I have a right to worry. This is a man I love and want to be with. When getting involved make sure you are stable enough to handle something like this. Age, race, sex doesn't matter. It depends on you. If you think you can handle this do not do this. You have to know you can handle this. You can not have doubts. Doubts will ruin what you share. Jealousy is an ugly feature, NOW NOW I am a jealous woman, but Bagherra doesn't make that meter go off. He has never broken my trust, there was a time where I did have to really think about something he said, but I think were past that now. Jealousy will put an even bigger space between you and your loved one. A few weeks ago I posted something on PTO ( www.prisontalk.com ) about the problem I was facing and I got a lot of women that stood behind me. One of the comments I got was "I'm surprised he hasn't tried to link that life with you yet". If you haven't figured it out... Bagherra writes other women. This is not a subject I was going to bring up, BUT I figure it's a good lesson. I went on last night and looked at another post. This woman found out her man was running a game on her (he actually has done this in the past). I stopped and realized how lucky I was to have Bagherra. He has always been honest about the other women, he doesn't play that game and he has let women go because they develop feelings. Now this problem is not smoothed out yet, but I believe it will be. I have never had a woman come at me claiming I stole her man, or that he was running a game on me. Look I'm not trying to scare anyone off lol. But I am trying to say that not all relationships are real. Patients is the word of the day. A garden requires patient labor and attention. Plants do not grow merely to satisfy ambitions or to fulfill good intentions. They thrive because someone expended effort on them. Patients is the only way to figure out if what you have is real. Patients is your best friend in a relationship like this. Work through your problems and never write or talk when your patients are running low. We must be patient of others as they are patient with us.
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