This letter was full of emotion. We spoke a bit on him having a 'to life' sentence. It's difficult to imagine being in a long term relationship and never having the opportunity to go to sleep with that person and then wake up with them. It's hard to think of raising a family like that. We touched on how we want this to work out for us regardless of the dreaded 'to life' sentence. I have 2 quotes:
'Tinkerbell this is our relationship, friendship and little family! In my eyes and in my heart no matter if we or are not in a committed relationship we will always be much more than friends...'
Sometimes things happen in life we ourselves can not explain in words, rather we explain in reactions and how we live our lives. When entering a relationship there is always a chance that things will not work. Things happen, people change and too often we forget why we entered into the relationship in the first place. We doubt others, and often even doubt ourselves. We can be insecure and a little possessive. These are all the things that constantly effect relationships. I do it myself and as you can see I doubted myself and Bagherra. However I never stopped realizing what I had and why I put up with the downs in the relationship. Reality is sometimes not as good as your dreams, yet once you find something special you realize reality is, you just have to fight to make it better. Bagherra can't just go back to being friends, he's right, we will always be more than friends, so when I lose him I know I will lose him forever.
Baby you
always said that if a man can’t handle your worst he doesn’t deserve your best!
And to think that I can let you go when you love, gave me a beautiful daughter
and fell in love with me at my worst it’s crazy! I’ll always love you and be
here...
I never knew Bagherra outside if Prison. I met him while he was incarcerated, we built everything we have through letters. We shared everything through these letters, not just the good, we shared hurtful memories, sad and tragic times. Bagherra has seen me mentally breakdown in a letter and truly push him away. Regardless of how I pushed he hold me still and helped keep my head right. We've shared a lot of laughs, smiles, tears and pain, through these emotions Bagherra found love for Ariel, and then for me. I has no expectations for Bagherra when we begun to write, I had no idea what would happen, however I let it all unfold. I learnt so much about him in such a short time. It took 5 months for us to cross the love barrier. We never rushed anything. I gave him all I could offer, he did the same for me. I fell in love with an inmate, not just any inmate, a man I do not in anyway see as a violent offender, a man I see as a good hearted man.
Throughout our lives we will all grow. Some will grow individually, some will grow together and some will grow apart. Fact of the matter is we all grow and we all change. We realize the world is not as innocent as it seems, that there is no black and white, rather a large area of a shade of grey. We are not guaranteed tomorrow, hell we are not guaranteed the next 5 minutes. Live your life the way you want. Fall in love, get hurt and grow from it. Never be unforgiving and always give a little to get something back. Everything you do will effect someone. What you may see as innocent may truly tear someone else apart. I sit here and I write all these loving words for a man I am no longer with. I do this because that love is still there, however what he did is always on my mind. He hurt me, however I am not bitter. I learnt a valuable lesson and I didn't ask a lot of questions I should have from the start. I tried to forgive and I could not. I tried to understand why he would do what he did and I could not. My lesson has been learnt and I would never take it back. My heart is broken, yet still whole. I'm growing as an individual right now and maybe one day I'll be ready to grow with someone. Find what you want and always go for it, the person you are with will have dreams of their own, try to grow together and walk in the same direction, you'll be surprised that you won't have to shake your own dreams for someone else.
'As I look back on all that has happened: growing up, growing together, changing you, and changing me, there were times when we dreamt together, when we laughed together, when we laughed and cried together. As I look back on those days i realize how much I will truly miss you and how much I truly love you. The past may be gone forever and what the future holds. Our today's make memories of tomorrow. Therefore, it is with all my heart that I send you my love, hoping that you'll always carry my smile with you for all we have meant to each and for what the future may hold.'
-Unknown
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