A quick round up of the letter, it was personal. We spoke more about his mother and his relationship. We also spoke about Ariels tantrums and how to try to stop them. By this point we knew quite a bit about one another, yet it always seems like there was something new to learn. I have 2 quotes:
'Rusty as I was and doubting love behind bars never did it crossed my mind that love would be knocking at my heart. In denial yet I clearly heard love whisper “this woman is amazing, her beauty goes beyond those pretty eyes! Tinkerbell is unique in many ways and an excited combination of passion and fire she’s worth you losing your mind!!! Treat her with care and love and you’ll witness magic before your eyes”'
I can't even break this down, so why I chose this quote I do not know yet. However I can and will say this. Love behind bars is common as I am beginning to find, yet all the love I find is different. Everyone writes their own story, this includes their love stories. No two relationships are similar, yet the feelings are. They are genuine for the most part and I've met some people who would trade places with their incarcerated loved in a heart beat without thinking twice. We may seem crazy to sleep alone, raise children alone and stand by our loved ones. We are not crazy, we are in love. Love has this magic to it. It makes you feel strong, happy, weak and sad. It's a never ending rollercoaster of emotions. It's something you can not explain, yet you simply know it's there. It's the first thought of the day and the last image before you go to sleep. It's something that lives inside of you. You may call it madness and we simply call it love. You can do a poll and ask 100 men and women standing in my shoes what makes you stay and chances are all the answers would be different. We all fall for different reasons, yet that doesn't mean someone's love is more than another persons. Love is love.
'I know the woman who I have by my side but simply not knowing if I’ll ever come home to you and Ariel is a hard pill to swallow!'
We never did speak much on what would happen if he never came home, however I know both Bagherra and I thought about the possibility. It was a very sensitive subject and it still is. We figure as long as we had hope we had a chance. So what would happen if that hope went away? Would we crumble or find something new to hope and wish for? Raising a child like this is tough enough... Failed appeals and hope shattering makes it worse to try to explain why daddy or mommy is never coming home. Hell, even with only a few years it's still difficult to explain to a young child why daddy or mommy can not be home. This is something we have spoken about. Ariel will be old enough one day to speak and write to him on her own. We have spoken about ways to try to include Bagherra in our everyday routines and functions. Everyone has to find a system that works for them, whether it be phone calls, visits and for some of us just letters.
Having love and family is hard enough out here, making it work from Prison is a difficult task for all those involved. We must always remember that the clock does not stop clicking and the more we stress and worry about how to approach something like this the harder it becomes. Bagherra and I sorted out family first. Then we came up with a solution to have him in Ariel's life. I post pictures he drew around her room, I show her the photos of him everyday and each night before bed I give her two sets of love, hugs and kisses... One from mommy and one from daddy. I make sure that my daughter knows there is a man out there that truly wishes he could be here and loves her to the end of the world and back. When she is old enough I will explain, as Bagherra put it, where he is and that it had nothing to do with her and he loves her very much. I will teach my daughter compassion so she does not see him as a monster, rather she will see him as a man who is paying for his mistakes he made when he was younger. Although I do not agree with the length of the sentence I do agree that our daughter needs to know the truth. When she is old enough to understand I will tell her everything. Finding a balance with family and love is hard, yet it can be achieved. It may fail a few times, but we learn from it and move forward, we make new ideas and test them out. When you find the right one you will know it's the one you've been searching for. Never give up, push forward and accomplish what most people think we can not. Balance Prison, Family and Love. It can only make you stronger.
'I'll never stop dreaming that one day we can be a real family, together, all of us laughing and talking, loving and understanding, not looking at the past but only to the future.'
-LaToya Jackson
'Rusty as I was and doubting love behind bars never did it crossed my mind that love would be knocking at my heart. In denial yet I clearly heard love whisper “this woman is amazing, her beauty goes beyond those pretty eyes! Tinkerbell is unique in many ways and an excited combination of passion and fire she’s worth you losing your mind!!! Treat her with care and love and you’ll witness magic before your eyes”'
I can't even break this down, so why I chose this quote I do not know yet. However I can and will say this. Love behind bars is common as I am beginning to find, yet all the love I find is different. Everyone writes their own story, this includes their love stories. No two relationships are similar, yet the feelings are. They are genuine for the most part and I've met some people who would trade places with their incarcerated loved in a heart beat without thinking twice. We may seem crazy to sleep alone, raise children alone and stand by our loved ones. We are not crazy, we are in love. Love has this magic to it. It makes you feel strong, happy, weak and sad. It's a never ending rollercoaster of emotions. It's something you can not explain, yet you simply know it's there. It's the first thought of the day and the last image before you go to sleep. It's something that lives inside of you. You may call it madness and we simply call it love. You can do a poll and ask 100 men and women standing in my shoes what makes you stay and chances are all the answers would be different. We all fall for different reasons, yet that doesn't mean someone's love is more than another persons. Love is love.
'I know the woman who I have by my side but simply not knowing if I’ll ever come home to you and Ariel is a hard pill to swallow!'
We never did speak much on what would happen if he never came home, however I know both Bagherra and I thought about the possibility. It was a very sensitive subject and it still is. We figure as long as we had hope we had a chance. So what would happen if that hope went away? Would we crumble or find something new to hope and wish for? Raising a child like this is tough enough... Failed appeals and hope shattering makes it worse to try to explain why daddy or mommy is never coming home. Hell, even with only a few years it's still difficult to explain to a young child why daddy or mommy can not be home. This is something we have spoken about. Ariel will be old enough one day to speak and write to him on her own. We have spoken about ways to try to include Bagherra in our everyday routines and functions. Everyone has to find a system that works for them, whether it be phone calls, visits and for some of us just letters.
Having love and family is hard enough out here, making it work from Prison is a difficult task for all those involved. We must always remember that the clock does not stop clicking and the more we stress and worry about how to approach something like this the harder it becomes. Bagherra and I sorted out family first. Then we came up with a solution to have him in Ariel's life. I post pictures he drew around her room, I show her the photos of him everyday and each night before bed I give her two sets of love, hugs and kisses... One from mommy and one from daddy. I make sure that my daughter knows there is a man out there that truly wishes he could be here and loves her to the end of the world and back. When she is old enough I will explain, as Bagherra put it, where he is and that it had nothing to do with her and he loves her very much. I will teach my daughter compassion so she does not see him as a monster, rather she will see him as a man who is paying for his mistakes he made when he was younger. Although I do not agree with the length of the sentence I do agree that our daughter needs to know the truth. When she is old enough to understand I will tell her everything. Finding a balance with family and love is hard, yet it can be achieved. It may fail a few times, but we learn from it and move forward, we make new ideas and test them out. When you find the right one you will know it's the one you've been searching for. Never give up, push forward and accomplish what most people think we can not. Balance Prison, Family and Love. It can only make you stronger.
'I'll never stop dreaming that one day we can be a real family, together, all of us laughing and talking, loving and understanding, not looking at the past but only to the future.'
-LaToya Jackson
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