I received two letters from Bagherra on the same day! It's like Christmas for me! This letter was a very intimate one. We spoke a lot about my family and some of the past of certain family members. The letter I sent him was one where I truly opened up about my closest brother and my mother and fathers relationship. I truly felt comfortable telling him these things and it has a lot to do with why at times I tend to push those away that means the most to me. Just as with all the other letters we spoke about Ariel and all the progress she is making and how big she's getting. I have 4 quotes today:
'Mami in your last letter you asked me to slow things down! You left me cold and today I find myself more confusse than ever! And this confusion has nothing to do with my feelings for you and my daughter! The two of you together hold my heart, my every thought and wish, this is different!'
I truly believe that at this point we were debating about this relationship and where it was headed. We both didn't know what was best for us. I asked Bagherra for space, I begun to push away. There is a lot to think about when it comes to deciding if this relationship is right for the both of you. Never rush, take your time and see both the positive and the negative. Speak your fears and voice them. Try to work out what is going on inside of you with the other person involved, they may understand what they are going through, they may even be going through the same emotions. I may have made a bit of a mess when it came to working this all out. In truth, I was a bit scared and a bit worried that I would get hurt. However I came to the realization that regardless there is always a chance of getting hurt whether its a prison relationship or a relationship out in the free world. Take the chance you think is right for you. Know your limits and your boundaries, asks the questions, and most importantly find a support group that you can share with it even blog. You'd be surprised how much if a relief it is.
'A statistic does not hold nor does it build a relationship! Baby it's like me saying that I'm in prison because I was raised by single mother not because the choices I made...'
Statistics for a prison relationship are not high. The chance of them working out are very low. Keep in mind that it takes two people to make a relationship work. A statistic is only a number, it does not define you're individual relationship with the person you're with. It's simply a number that says 'well 100's of others couldn't make it so you shouldn't try', however your mentality must be '100's of different people, in different relationships couldn't make it work, but I'm still willing to fight for mine'. We are all different as people period! We all have different expectations and different limits. Some woman are okay with just letters, other women needs more attention. The hardest part of a relationship like this is ad set, lockdowns and holidays. Mail slows down, phone calls are taken away and visits are cancelled. You can not prepare for these things, however mentally you must expect them constantly. There is very little we can control being in a prison relationship.
'My love this as every other letter I write you has allowed me to escape this reality of mine momentarily now it's time to put back on my mean mugging face and jump back into my reality...'
This quote always sends chills down my spine. We try not to talk about the dangers of prison. I'm not naive I know there are many risks and bad things that happen in prison. It's a part of the lifestyle, something many of us do not and will not ever understand. Many of the people we write do not like to tell us and write about the coming and goings of their environment. It's a reason why they write, to escape that reality and to feel normal again. They all have to be in their toes and be on constant look out for threats and things of that sort. We write to get to know not the tough prison man, but the gentle man or even woman inside. Never push or show too much interest in what happens inside the walls, rather focus on the positive the surrounds both of you. Even if it is strictly platonic the last thing a man or woman wants to discuss is what they are surrounded by. In a way these letters are my escape too, it brings me the same feeling as if I were coming home and relaxing after a long day at work, it's someone you can laugh with, share with and not be afraid to open up to. It may seem odd for me to say that or even think like this after all it's just a letter right? Wrong, it's our only way of communication. It's the only way to tell him about myself, to tell him of Ariel and to share some sort of life with him. I am aware things are not glamorous in prison, however I never try to get information from him. I always tell him to be careful, there are many people who care for him and would hate to see something happen to him. He rarely even tells me when he's sick. I hate that, yet I know he doesn't like to worry everyone in the outside!
'Your weakness in my opinion is your beauty and your short fuse!!! Your beauty simply because most men tend to never see beyond that!! And your short fuse not because you scare men away! Because a man who truly cares and loves you will never run away from you! But if short fuse is a weakness in all of us when anger raises and you lose your balance, you lose total control of yourself and by this in most cases you give the next person the edge!'
I asked Bagherra what my strength and weaknesses were in his opinion. His answers really got to me, not in a negative way. He never just listed them, he gave me an explanation as to why. Sometimes we forget ourselves what makes us weak, sometimes we tend to need a different perspective to see what's clearly in front of us. I've been just simply me for many years. I've lived a relatively loud life when I was young and now as I've grown older I've become very quiet, however one trait I've always kept was my anger. I lash out when I am mad. I gave Bagherra a bit of a warning, he's always responded it would take more than my temper flying off to scare me away. We all have weaknesses and flaws, no one in this life is perfect, in order to love someone, you must love them for strengths, weaknesses, perfections and flaws. Never use someone's weakness against them. Never try to play at their hearts strings. Hurting one person may punish the rest of us from seeing their true beauty. Find a way to strengthen your weaknesses and not seem so hard headed about your strength. Find someone who balances you out and gives you a reason to smile when the world feels like its crashing down on you and in return do the same for that special person. It's amazing what you can achieve when you bring a little more happiness into your life.
We all have a protective wall around our hearts and at time are afraid to let people in because we do not want to get hurt. We push those we love away because we think that's the better option. We forget to realize that the better option is to allow our heart to break and to hurt, we will never grow as people if we do not experience a lot of these things. We should never blame the last persons mistakes on the next person, nor choose to bottle all the hurt inside. When it comes down to it we hurt to know we are still alive, that we still feel just as everyone else does. We go through things in life we can not explain, yet years down the road we look back and the memory no longer haunts you, rather you smile about it because you know it made you a better person. We may be cold for awhile, however eventually we must move forward from it. We must take the good and push forward, if you do not you'll be stuck in a hole the rest of your life and never fully recover. First learn to forgive, then learn to move on without the hurt. Only you know how to do that. Only you can decide when you're ready to be in this type of relationship, remember to first let everything else go because this relationship will be a hard one, it will test you in ways you have never been tested before. You'll hurt, you'll cry and you'll make the memories you can look back and smile upon.
'To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.'
- Lewis B. Smedes
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