A Surprise Letter

So today I had a surprise waiting for me in my mailbox. I've been struggling with my emotions lately and feeling much weaker than I usually do... In truth it's been a bad day for me. As soon as I saw it I smiled and thought 'if anything can make my day it's what is in this letter'. As soon I walked in the door I sat down and read it. It is safe to say I am feeling giddy and happy. He knew somehow, someway I needed that push up. He knew I was feeling down without me having to tell him. I usually do not share my darkest moments with him, as I make everything seem better than what it is, although I share with him all my thoughts. 

I decided to blog about something so small because most people in relationships have feelings, I don't know the proper word or it, however it's as if one of the two somehow knows something is wrong. I missed this, I missed knowing someone knows. I missed knowing I know. I may be rambling, yet in my head this makes sense...

His last appeal failed and I refused to write to him first (this was last month) and instead I had asked questions at the end of the letter that gave it away that I knew. I did this to make it easier for him to tell me 'hey babe, it's life now.' He told me and kept it short. He also told me I could leave, that he didn't deserve me, that I should have more in life. He never stopped to realize this is what makes me happy, this is what keeps me smiling day to day and most off this is the man I fell for. He is selfless and understanding! Not all men are like this, especially guys with tough guy reputations to uphold. 

Most people still think I'm crazy, some have turned to the so called 'darkside' with me and they too feel the same way I do. Men on the inside, or even women, aren't as judgmental as the men/women out here. It's not that they are desperate and want anything, it's because when you get to know someone on a certain level you begin to feel raw emotions, once you start feeling them you can't stop them, you don't try to justify it by the way someone looks, you truly judge them by the beauty they hold within. I have pictures of Bagherra that make him look like a serial killer, I have another photo that looks like he went 10 rounds with Ali. His look is always changing in every photo, he tends to apologize when they don't give him a razor before photos, he says he looks like a chi pet! I am going on and on for a reason, let me get right to it. As we grow and being to understand where we are and what our lives consist of, looks and all that childish shxt goes away. It becomes looking for real qualities, real people and most of all someone you could spend the rest of your life with and how far you're willing to go to have your happiness.

I chose my happiness again, and I will never regret it. I also do not regret that time apart. I grew as a person, I adventured out and realized all roads will always lead back to Bagherra. My heart was always and will always be with him, regardless of how much I try to convince myself against it. He was always there, even when we were not together. This is the man I will spend forever with, the man who will always be the father of my child and the man I will always love both behind bars and out here. Nothing can change those feelings and nothing can make me change my mind. I haven't been open with anyone, besides one good friend whom I know stands beside me and helps me through the hard times. I tend to not want to over share and keep him all to myself. One piece of advice I have for anyone who has been there, wants to be where I am or even someone trying to understand why someone close to them chose this relationship, my piece of advice is this... Do not allow others in, do not trust anyone, trust only you. Make the decisions alone. If you think you need time, take the time, if he/she does not understand why, then maybe they don't understand you well enough. You are the only person who can understand your relationship, you are the only one with enough influence to make it work or make it go away. The same goes for your other half. Make sure all the decisions you make are what the TWO of you want, because in the end that is all you have.

That is my ramble for the night. I'm getting my little one to bed and I am going to curl up with my notepad and a pen and send Bagherra one of my famous love letters. Goodnight!

"It isn't possible to love and part. You will wish that is was. You can transmute love, ignore it, muddle it, but you can never pull it out of you. I know by experience that the poets are right : love is eternal."

-EM Forester

I Promise To Do Better... It's Been Far Too Long

I have been gone for so long and to be truthful I am so happy I took this break. I truly got to get all of my emotions worked out without the prying eyes of everyone else. At times in our life we try to find someone to lean on and in the end those people are the fake friends everyone warns you about. A year ago Bagherra and I broke it off and today I am happy to say we are trying all over again and we plan to tell everyone to stay the fuck out of our relationship. 

I may be emotional because I was the stupid one. I was the one that allowed others to see into my relationship and judge it. I was the one who listened to the other voices and most of all I was the one that needed to figure it out alone. With a year of no one (including Bagherra) I begun to realize those people that had called me 'unstable','fake','different',and'stupid' were the ones who were just that. I have a great life, it may not be perfect however choosing to be with Bagherra does not make me less than a person, nor does it reflect on you... It reflexes on Bagherra and I. He is the love of my life and I do know this for fact. We have had our ups and downs, yet we have always found a way to work around it.

My future is far from perfect I know this will be hard and I always know not everyone will have my back. I also know a lot of fake people will put in their two cents... I am not longer offering anyone into my relationship. I will pick back up my blog, yet I will not share any more private moments. I will give run downs and common emotions of what I am feeling, I will not allow anyone close enough to hurt Bagherra or I again. 

For all those rolling your eyes and laughing at me for making this choice, I want each and everyone of you know one thing... Life is not always what you expect it to be, you may critize me today for doing this and tomorrow you may find yourself in the same situation. Before you shake your head and stick your noses back up, if you do not like my life choices you do not have to follow them, nor do you have to agree with them. Again this is my happiness and I am not longer putting it to the side or acting like it's not big deal!

For all those who have stood in my corner you guys are the best! You have been the best support circle and the best friends a gal can ask for. I promise to keep you in the loop and update you on major things. I will continue to fight for my happiness and hopefully in the process help anyone who is in the same boat as me and are not sure the way to go!

'People Build Up Walls,

Not To Keep Others Out,

But To See Who cares Enough To Tear Them Down'

Letter Breakdown (06/14/2012)

A really quick breakdown of the letter... Bagherra and I spoke about the future of our relationship. If we wanted to fight for our feelings or simply let them go. He gave me the choice to make and wanted to make sure I made the choice I believed was best. I have 2 quotes: 
  

'Tinkerbell I love you in every way possible and there's absolutely no way that I want to lose you and my daughter but at the same time I don't want to hurt you nor do I believe it's fair for you to live through this very difficult relationship! How can I explain this to you! You are the best thing that ever happened to me! If this type of relationship is hard on me it only means that it's ten times harder on you. You are defiantly the woman and this a love I'm more than willing to fight for!!'

Nothing in this life comes easy. Nothing is just handed to you. In life too many times we choose the wrong option or the wrong path because its the 'easy' way out. In truth nothing easy is worth it. There is a fight and a struggle in everything you do. When we are young the world seems to be at our dispense and it revolves around us, why is that? It's because our parents struggle and fight to allow us to be children, they pay our bills, work a job, sometimes 2 or 3 jobs, and they provide for us. As we grow we begin to see the world for what it truly is... Hard!! Not everyone can take the pressures and some ignore it completely, others jump right in and fight to become something, to prove who they are, all while keeping yourself a bay. Relationships are very similar. In the beginning they are easy and fun, then life kicks in. It's how we handle the pressure and the stress that allows us to keep fighting, to keep pushing forward. I always talk about fighting for your own happiness, when you find it you begin to fight with the other person involved, not in a bad way, you join hands and take on the world. You find strengths inky out weaknesses and accomplish things you never thought possible. Love is a funny emotion, it truly takes a fight, dedication and a life time of work to see it through. It takes courage to admit when your wrong and even more courage to stand up for a relationship no one believes in. What matters most is how you see the relationship and the emotions you go through. Never block those around you, however never let them intervene on your own relationships. Never take the easy way out, always find a cause worth fighting for!

'Think things through and if this is something that you're willing to fight for! You and I together will fight and make this work I love you baby! And I'll be here waiting for you....'

Bagherra always allows me to make my own tough decisions. He never tries to pressure me or to reassure me, he wants to make sure I made the choice with no influence from him or anyone around me. After all this is my relationship right? I had to make the choice if I could go through something like this. I doubted myself for a time and I had myself convinced that this relationship would drain me not only emotionally, but physically. I knew there was a chance I would spend the rest f my life alone, yet with someone. Those are not what I focused on when I made those decisions. I focused on what I, myself, was able to control. I never commuted the crime, so why would I punish myself and not take my chance in happiness? Why should his sentence allow love to simply slip away? Most important why would I allow myself to turn away the only man I loved? Yes, Bagherra did some awful things to end up where he is, does that mean he's the animal they think he is? Or is it simply the mentality they figure he has. I have tons of letters to prove otherwise. This man is full of compassion, love and understanding. He doesn't place pity for what he did, not does he have malice in his heart towards me and I'm sure the victim of the crime would not agree with me, however everyone builds their own opinions. I built mine, not to make him look like a saint, however he's a decent man with a huge heart. He's done some wrong, there is no denying that, however he was young when he commuted those crimes, bits eventually turn into men, something I wish the judicial system would understand. Never allow others to convince you if something you do not believe yourself. Always trust yourself and never doubt what road you take, after all you're taking the road YOU and only you think is best for yourself! Others will not have to live your relationship, it is yours to have and to hold!

We always have choices in life, we all chose the choice which is best for us, usually that is. Too many times we allow others to dictate and to control our lives. However it gets to a point where you need to break free, to journey off and not be afraid of the unknown. We take the risk because in the end we truly believed it was worth it. Many, many years ago I was in a toxic relationship. Every time I left I always came back, not because I had to, but because I made the conscious choice to. There was no physical abuse, however the other party was hooked on something and he was drowning in his addiction. I ask myself to this day why I always went back and I smile, the smile is not for him, but for the boy I watched grow into a man, the boy I love like my own and forever when I picture him ill always see him as the 7 year old boy with eyes the color of the Mediterranean Sea! I hold no hard feelings and I've found peace within myself. I realized without that love less relationship I wouldn't be who I am today. The choices we make today will affect us tomorrow. Tomorrow is the unknown in all cases and today is the day we are promised. Take the risks, jump into the unknown, mend your broken hearts and forgive mistakes! Always admit you're wrong and don't be afraid to ask for forgiveness. Clear your heart of hate and truly learn that the world may be a horrible place, however you're pure if hate and malice. You never judge by the cover, always read the book no matter how long it is. Be willing to smile at random people just so they pay it forward. Give the next man the benefit if the doubt if you ave no proof. Love with all your heart and hold into the things worth fighting for.

'Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no ones definition of your life; define yourself.'

-Harvey Fierstien

Letter Breakdown (06/14/2012)

I received two letters from Bagherra on the same day! It's like Christmas for me! This letter was a very intimate one. We spoke a lot about my family and some of the past of certain family members. The letter I sent him was one where I truly opened up about my closest brother and my mother and fathers relationship. I truly felt comfortable telling him these things and it has a lot to do with why at times I tend to push those away that means the most to me. Just as with all the other letters we spoke about Ariel and all the progress she is making and how big she's getting. I have 4 quotes today:

'Mami in your last letter you asked me to slow things down! You left me cold and today I find myself more confusse than ever! And this confusion has nothing to do with my feelings for you and my daughter! The two of you together hold my heart, my every thought and wish, this is different!'

I truly believe that at this point we were debating about this relationship and where it was headed. We both didn't know what was best for us. I asked Bagherra for space, I begun to push away. There is a lot to think about when it comes to deciding if this relationship is right for the both of you. Never rush, take your time and see both the positive and the negative. Speak your fears and voice them. Try to work out what is going on inside of you with the other person involved, they may understand what they are going through, they may even be going through the same emotions. I may have made a bit of a mess when it came to working this all out. In truth, I was a bit scared and a bit worried that I would get hurt. However I came to the realization that regardless there is always a chance of getting hurt whether its a prison relationship or a relationship out in the free world. Take the chance you think is right for you. Know your limits and your boundaries, asks the questions, and most importantly find a support group that you can share with it even blog. You'd be surprised how much if a relief it is.

'A statistic does not hold nor does it build a relationship! Baby it's like me saying that I'm in prison because I was raised by single mother not because the choices I made...'

Statistics for a prison relationship are not high. The chance of them working out are very low. Keep in mind that it takes two people to make a relationship work. A statistic is only a number, it does not define you're individual relationship with the person you're with. It's simply a number that says 'well 100's of others couldn't make it so you shouldn't try', however your mentality must be '100's of different people, in different relationships couldn't make it work, but I'm still willing to fight for mine'. We are all different as people period! We all have different expectations and different limits. Some woman are okay with just letters, other women needs more attention. The hardest part of a relationship like this is ad set, lockdowns and holidays. Mail slows down, phone calls are taken away and visits are cancelled. You can not prepare for these things, however mentally you must expect them constantly. There is very little we can control being in a prison relationship.

'My love this as every other letter I write you has allowed me to escape this reality of mine momentarily now it's time to put back on my mean mugging face and jump back into my reality...'

This quote always sends chills down my spine. We try not to talk about the dangers of prison. I'm not naive I know there are many risks and bad things that happen in prison. It's a part of the lifestyle, something many of us do not and will not ever understand. Many of the people we write do not like to tell us and write about the coming and goings of their environment. It's a reason why they write, to escape that reality and to feel normal again. They all have to be in their toes and be on constant look out for threats and things of that sort. We write to get to know not the tough prison man, but the gentle man or even woman inside. Never push or show too much interest in what happens inside the walls, rather focus on the positive the surrounds both of you. Even if it is strictly platonic the last thing a man or woman wants to discuss is what they are surrounded by. In a way these letters are my escape too, it brings me the same feeling as if I were coming home and relaxing after a long day at work, it's someone you can laugh with, share with and not be afraid to open up to. It may seem odd for me to say that or even think like this after all it's just a letter right? Wrong, it's our only way of communication. It's the only way to tell him about myself, to tell him of Ariel and to share some sort of life with him. I am aware things are not glamorous in prison, however I never try to get information from him. I always tell him to be careful, there are many people who care for him and would hate to see something happen to him. He rarely even tells me when he's sick. I hate that, yet I know he doesn't like to worry everyone in the outside!

'Your weakness in my opinion is your beauty and your short fuse!!! Your beauty simply because most men tend to never see beyond that!! And your short fuse not because you scare men away! Because a man who truly cares and loves you will never run away from you! But if short fuse is a weakness in all of us when anger raises and you lose your balance, you lose total control of yourself and by this in most cases you give the next person the edge!'

I asked Bagherra what my strength and weaknesses were in his opinion. His answers really got to me, not in a negative way. He never just listed them, he gave me an explanation as to why. Sometimes we forget ourselves what makes us weak, sometimes we tend to need a different perspective to see what's clearly in front of us. I've been just simply me for many years. I've lived a relatively loud life when I was young and now as I've grown older I've become very quiet, however one trait I've always kept was my anger. I lash out when I am mad. I gave Bagherra a bit of a warning, he's always responded it would take more than my temper flying off to scare me away. We all have weaknesses and flaws, no one in this life is perfect, in order to love someone, you must love them for strengths, weaknesses, perfections and flaws. Never use someone's weakness against them. Never try to play at their hearts strings. Hurting one person may punish the rest of us from seeing their true beauty. Find a way to strengthen your weaknesses and not seem so hard headed about your strength. Find someone who balances you out and gives you a reason to smile when the world feels like its crashing down on you and in return do the same for that special person. It's amazing what you can achieve when you bring a little more happiness into your life.

We all have a protective wall around our hearts and at time are afraid to let people in because we do not want to get hurt. We push those we love away because we think that's the better option. We forget to realize that the better option is to allow our heart to break and to hurt, we will never grow as people if we do not experience a lot of these things. We should never blame the last persons mistakes on the next person, nor choose to bottle all the hurt inside. When it comes down to it we hurt to know we are still alive, that we still feel just as everyone else does. We go through things in life we can not explain, yet years down the road we look back and the memory no longer haunts you, rather you smile about it because you know it made you a better person. We may be cold for awhile, however eventually we must move forward from it. We must take the good and push forward, if you do not you'll be stuck in a hole the rest of your life and never fully recover. First learn to forgive, then learn to move on without the hurt. Only you know how to do that. Only you can decide when you're ready to be in this type of relationship, remember to first let everything else go because this relationship will be a hard one, it will test you in ways you have never been tested before. You'll hurt, you'll cry and you'll make the memories you can look back and smile upon.

'To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.'

- Lewis B. Smedes