Finally Phone Calls

Once again it's been a long time! I am back. I'm not sure how long this will last, as I'm not overly open about my relationship. For the last 2 years Bagherra and I have been trying to work things out and it seems we have reached an amazing and happy point. It has been a very stressful couple of months, however it's all been worth it.

Bagherra was transferred, FINALLY, and we now have contact visits and phone calls. The first time he called me he was nervous. I could hear it in his voice. I was at the gym and I went into shock. I could not believe he was calling me. This single phone call brought so many memories and filled my heart with love. I know it sounds crazy, however with more communication I find it harder. He does as well. I'ts hard to say goodbye and it's hard to not want to sit and talk to one another all day - everyday. We ruin a lot of our letters because we somehow always end up talking about it. For a long time I was patient and now I want to know everything now. I must say these calls have brought us a lot closer.

He wants to talk to Ariel more. It is hard with her in school and he does not have a set schedule for calls.  We try to make one, however it doesn't work out the way we have planned. He also is going to start writing her a letter a week and for now I'll write her response, as she is not old enough to write yet. She always wants to talk to him when he calls. It is hard to explain truly who she is. She does know he's her dad, she is just too young to fully grasp that he can not come pick her up or spend time outside of prison with her.

As always our relationship is difficult and only time will tell if it's meant to be. All I know is I love this man more than I can put into words. I do not compare my relationship to other peoples relationships. Every person is different and every situation is different. A lot is different this time around, not only him truly learning from his mistake, he also got a letter about a law change and he qualifies for parole in 8 years. That's right I said EIGHT FXCKING YEARS. It may seem like ages for some of you, however for me it is a lot sooner than 26 years. 

There will always be a struggle regardless. We will always have people who can not understand why we do this and we may even have a few people who stand in our corners to support us. For the most part I'm super private because there are too many unstable people who are allowed to be on the internet. I will be writing more. I will be posting about my visits and my phone calls. I will be posting about m relationship, however as per usual I will not be posting names.

'Preparation can only take you so far, after that you've got to take a few leaps of faith' 

I Promise To Do Better... It's Been Far Too Long

I have been gone for so long and to be truthful I am so happy I took this break. I truly got to get all of my emotions worked out without the prying eyes of everyone else. At times in our life we try to find someone to lean on and in the end those people are the fake friends everyone warns you about. A year ago Bagherra and I broke it off and today I am happy to say we are trying all over again and we plan to tell everyone to stay the fuck out of our relationship. 

I may be emotional because I was the stupid one. I was the one that allowed others to see into my relationship and judge it. I was the one who listened to the other voices and most of all I was the one that needed to figure it out alone. With a year of no one (including Bagherra) I begun to realize those people that had called me 'unstable','fake','different',and'stupid' were the ones who were just that. I have a great life, it may not be perfect however choosing to be with Bagherra does not make me less than a person, nor does it reflect on you... It reflexes on Bagherra and I. He is the love of my life and I do know this for fact. We have had our ups and downs, yet we have always found a way to work around it.

My future is far from perfect I know this will be hard and I always know not everyone will have my back. I also know a lot of fake people will put in their two cents... I am not longer offering anyone into my relationship. I will pick back up my blog, yet I will not share any more private moments. I will give run downs and common emotions of what I am feeling, I will not allow anyone close enough to hurt Bagherra or I again. 

For all those rolling your eyes and laughing at me for making this choice, I want each and everyone of you know one thing... Life is not always what you expect it to be, you may critize me today for doing this and tomorrow you may find yourself in the same situation. Before you shake your head and stick your noses back up, if you do not like my life choices you do not have to follow them, nor do you have to agree with them. Again this is my happiness and I am not longer putting it to the side or acting like it's not big deal!

For all those who have stood in my corner you guys are the best! You have been the best support circle and the best friends a gal can ask for. I promise to keep you in the loop and update you on major things. I will continue to fight for my happiness and hopefully in the process help anyone who is in the same boat as me and are not sure the way to go!

'People Build Up Walls,

Not To Keep Others Out,

But To See Who cares Enough To Tear Them Down'

A Quick Update.

Hello!! I know I have not written in awhile. I have been super busy. I am going to give a brief update for those of you who care. I raised enough funds to get my surgery done, I want to thank everyone who contributed both emotionally and from your pockets! My pre-op is this Thursday and Friday I will be posting the paperwork and the date my surgery is. I am very blessed to have so many friends and family in my corner and I want to take a minute to thank everyone who is on my side. What I am going through is not easy, nor is it 'normal'. Not only have I been battling Cervical Cancer, I've been battling myself. At one point I was ready to throw in the towel and call it quits. This whole ordeal has defiantly had it's ups and downs. I thank God I have such amazing people around me to hold me up when I do not think I will make it mentally. Now, I am in no way saying I'm in pain constantly, almost all of the 'pain' is mental. It's a struggle to keep my thoughts positive at times and it's also a struggle to continue being poked and prodded by my doctor.

 

Just A Few Visits A Month...

 

Speaking of doctors, the doctor I found out here in Riverside is amazing and gentle, although most tests and treatment aren't as pleasant as the doctor. Dr. Santodo is an amazing M.D. He is quick and to the point. When he gave me the news he didn't try to butter it up or make it sound like I won an award rather then testing positive for cancer. My original results were supposed to be read this Thursday, however he called me in earlier. When I tested positive earlier this year it was at a stage one. I am now on a stage three, which says a lot more than I thought. It is a very aggressive cancer, and it does move quickly. Now, back to the doctor. He is rushing for me to get into surgery, so he made an appointment for this Thursday for the pre-op, by this time next month I am hoping to be cancer free and enjoying every ounce of life I am given.

 

Once again I want to thank everyone who had stuck by my side. The people who have sent there well wishes and words of encouragement. Thank you, without you I could not do this, I would never be able to face this alone. I will keep everyone updated, so on Friday I am hoping to be able to post all the dates!

 

“Anyone can give up, it’s the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that’s true strength.”

-Unknown