This letter was all over the place. Bagherra and I spoke about our daughter, some memories, my family and his family. Our letters are in no way disorganized, however we seem to cover a lot of ground in just 4 pages. When he writes about his family I realize we truly came from opposite ends of the world with our upbringings. I was raised by only men and he only his mother. I've never been this open about my family before, to this day I still have not, nor do I think I will. To the 3 quotes...
'There is not another woman in this world who can take your place! This may sound as a lie but I've never felt like this before! Many years ago there was a girl in my life who I loved very much yet between her and I there was a huge gap, always a dark cloud that stood in our way! With you and I the only thing stand in our way of being completely happy is my freedom!'
I've never asked Bagherra about past love or past relationships. These are things I usually do not want to know. Bagherra brought this up himself and I see it as almost a confession. He always allowed things to get in the way of his relationship. When you love someone you will always put them first. I do not think Bagherra saw it like this when he was young. He was also an unfaithful young man. Now, I am not bashing him, nor trying to make him look like a bad guy. He is far from that. However I say these things because he learnt from that, he carried it on and realized the reason he could never fully love that girl. Just like he finds himself in Prison today and if freed he would never go back, it works the same from his past relationships. You always take the good with you from a past relationship, and yes, we do take the bad, even if we do not see it. By time women are my age, 25, we develop trust issues. Why? That is the bad coming from past relationships. We may not show it, but the damage that has been done is not shown easily, it only takes on thing to trigger an old memory. I used to do this, until I realized I was blaming Bagherra for someone elses mistakes. Everyone is different. When entering a relationship like this, let go of your past fully before you try to make a future with an inmate. This is a very stressful type of relationship. Your emotions will always be up and down. You need to be 100 percent devoted and clear of what is ahead of you.
'You don’t
need a man to handle you but to simply love you, to show you and make you feel
even though you are a gorgeous woman your beauty is much more then that…'
We are always taught to see someone beyond what they appear to look like. Some of the most beautiful people are shallow inside. For me, if a man has good looks and no personality I will never speak with him again. Looks are never important for me. A beautiful person on the inside is much better than a beautiful person on the outside. We spend so much time judging people on looks that we forget in order to hold something special the person must have a personality to go with. Let's face it a pretty face gets boring after so long. Bagherra does compliment me on my looks, however that was never his focus point. He made sure to remind me each chance he got that what I hold inside is so much more. Bagherra and I have never had problems expressing our feelings or being open, even if we were afraid. I learnt very quickly to not hold back and to truly let him see me for who I really am. I'm a nerd, I love to read and I'm pretty smart, or so I like to think I am. Not many people see that side of me. I guess at times I hide behind my looks because I'm too afraid to let someone see who I really am, or I used to be like that. Never be afraid to first show someone what is inside of you. Let them judge you on what you hold inside not outside. Open up and live life.
'Mami I
don’t intend to ever return you heart! It is now under my protection and
care!!! It belongs to me as mine belongs to you to keep and to hold.'
What does it mean to truly give your heart to someone? It means, in my eyes, to give yourself fully to someone. To allow someone in your life and to love them with everything you have. To give them everything you have to offer and not expect anything in return. To give your heart away is to know there is a chance you will get hurt, but that doesn't mean you will focus on just that. All you can do is fight for what you think is right. Everyone fights, it's a part of a healthy relationship, although fighting all the time is not healthy, but everyone must disagree at one point. Never stress the small things and give your heart fully to those who only deserve it. At the end of the day you will be doing what makes you a better person.
Being in this type of relationship is scary. There will be appeals, lock downs, no calls and lonely nights. The person in this with you must live in your heart. Times will always get hard, but you must learn many of these things are out of your control. Never focus on the things that are out of your hands. Rather than focusing on the bad, think of all the good. Read old letters to get you through the times when mail is slow. Look at pictures when lock downs prevent visits and phone calls. Stand strong when appeals don't go you way, try to find another way. Grab a pillow and hold it close when one of those nights come that you feel the world is closing in on you and you'll die from the loneliness. There is always a solution. It may not come right away, but eventually you will find a routine that suits you. I had a picture framed of Bagherra on my bed side table and his art work was all over my house. He was a constant in my life. I found a routine that worked for me. A way to deal with all the ups and downs. I even found a way for Ariel to know about her father and his family. Working together through the hard times makes you stronger together, but working through the hard times alone makes you a stronger person, in turn making your bond with your significant other stronger. Remember everything you go through, they ar4e going through it too. Never be afraid to let them know about the rough times, you'd be surprised how much they understand.
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