This letter has significant meaning to me. In it Bagherra spoke about an old memory of when he was still free. Now this memory isn't anything special but special to me none the less. I sent him a picture of me pregnant with Ariel and that is what triggered the memory. I don't know much about Bagherra's past, only that it wasn't perfect and in this letter he opened up a little bit more, not only about the memory but of other things he's done. Our level of trust at this point was beyond what I ever expected it to be. Onto the 3 quotes I want to share...
'Sweetheart
to read that my comments make you feel special and butterflies like a teenager
and to know in a small way my letters and words have this effect on you it’s a
confidence booster for me! I once wrote I do not doubt myself as a man but it
is truly difficult not to doubt the situation I find myself in!!'
Every letter he reminds me how special I am. He always has the right words to say and truly I don't believe it's because he has all the time in the world to think of what to say. Bagherra speaks from the heart and it shows in his letter. From Prison he can not comfort me like he wants to, nor show me the affection he wishes he could, instead he writes it out for me. A lot of the time I find myself blushing and feeling childish because of what he says. When something is real it shows, not only in our faces but our whole demeanor shows it. We become different, not in a bad way, we become more soft, more understanding and in truth a little blind. This is the effects of love and relationships. Only we truly know what makes us blush, giggle and smile. Those are the moments that will forever live inside of me.
Every letter he reminds me how special I am. He always has the right words to say and truly I don't believe it's because he has all the time in the world to think of what to say. Bagherra speaks from the heart and it shows in his letter. From Prison he can not comfort me like he wants to, nor show me the affection he wishes he could, instead he writes it out for me. A lot of the time I find myself blushing and feeling childish because of what he says. When something is real it shows, not only in our faces but our whole demeanor shows it. We become different, not in a bad way, we become more soft, more understanding and in truth a little blind. This is the effects of love and relationships. Only we truly know what makes us blush, giggle and smile. Those are the moments that will forever live inside of me.
'There are
not many woman in your world who would allow a feeling like this or a
relationship of this kind to grow… as a matter of fact a few months ago neither
you nor I believed in this type of relationship and if I remember correctly you
more than me.'
When we begun writing we both agreed relationships like this truly are hard, that they were not for us. Months later feelings developed and we jumped in. Seeking a relationship with an inmate is not the right thing to do, nor is it the reason these pen pal sites are successful. They are successful because people have compassion, they know the circumstances, yet they do not turn people away. Bagherra is not the only man I write to, all the other pen pals are strictly friends and nothing more. I can not tell you why feelings were developed with Bagherra, however I do believe, a Bagherra believes, we never put a guard up. We never tried to protect and guard our hearts because truly we never believed this was possible. Well it became reality one day and we weren't expecting it. A relationship like this must be developed. You truly must know the person in order to get involved. Always ask what you want and speak freely, you have nothing to lose. If someone loves you they will understand. They will answer with honesty, good or bad. If you feel like things are moving too fast, slow them down, take your time. If it is meant to be it will. Nothing was ever forced for Bagherra and I, it simply happened right under our noses and punched us dead in the face one day.
'Even though you wrote that me being on the website doesn’t bother you I’m getting off it! It’s something I had already considered and believe you deserve that respect!!!'
Why this quote? I'll tell you... A few letters before this Bagherra asked what I thought about his ad still being up, to be honest I didn't want it up anymore, but I would never ask him to take it down. I wouldn't ask because it's not like he can get up and make new friends. He can not communicate with people outside of his family if not for sites like WAP. A good example of that is some old friends found Bagherra on the site and decided to keep in touch. So the site is not just for meeting new friends, it's also a way to find old friends that have gotten lost in the system. After some discussion about this subject Bagherra took his ad down. I told him not to, after all someone paid for him to be up there, however I wasn't broken up about it. Now to touch on the point of this quote. Never make a judgement call for the person you write. Never demand they take their ad down, or use it against them. They are up there to have communication in their lives and a touch of reality. Reality to them is a concrete jungle, a place where they must have their game face on 24/7. A letter is a break from all of that. It's a moment in time where they get to break down and be a different person. They get a chance to feel whole again, like a human being and not an animal locked in a cage. Sure, bring the subject up if it bothers you, but most important... let them make the decisions. Always have trust for those you write, without trust you have nothing.
Expressing yourself openly and putting your trust in someone is no joke. It's something that takes time to develop and sometimes it never fully develops. Some are seen as victims and others as targets. Be strong enough to know the difference and always go with your instinct. I do not stress on scams and things like that because I have not experienced it. Yet, my very first pen pal tried to run his game on me and I refused to be like that. I stopped writing. The reason I am stressing this point is because when my feelings for Bagherra developed I questioned myself if this was real. I needed to figure out if he was just lonely and wanted someone along for the ride, or if he truly wanted to be with me because his heart was telling him to be with me. The heart is a funny instrument. Mine is broken and in pieces from Bagherra, yet it still works. I am still able to write these blogs no longer with him, yet I still look through that same window of love that I know will always be there. I took a chance and although I got hurt in the end I am still writing and still proud that I was with Bagherra. I would never take it back nor change it at all. The lessons I learnt within this relationship and the strength I earned will always be a part of me, just as a part of my heart will always belong to Bagherra. In turn every time my heart beats, he'll be there, and I'll know I'm still alive. Never doubt yourself or the person you are with. If it is real then there is no room for doubt or second guessing. I instilled Bagherra with my trust and in the end we both were hurt, yet through all that hurt there was still love. Love is a candle that burns forever. Try to put it out and one day it will begin to burn again. Never forget where you have been, because you'll get lost as to where you're going.
When we begun writing we both agreed relationships like this truly are hard, that they were not for us. Months later feelings developed and we jumped in. Seeking a relationship with an inmate is not the right thing to do, nor is it the reason these pen pal sites are successful. They are successful because people have compassion, they know the circumstances, yet they do not turn people away. Bagherra is not the only man I write to, all the other pen pals are strictly friends and nothing more. I can not tell you why feelings were developed with Bagherra, however I do believe, a Bagherra believes, we never put a guard up. We never tried to protect and guard our hearts because truly we never believed this was possible. Well it became reality one day and we weren't expecting it. A relationship like this must be developed. You truly must know the person in order to get involved. Always ask what you want and speak freely, you have nothing to lose. If someone loves you they will understand. They will answer with honesty, good or bad. If you feel like things are moving too fast, slow them down, take your time. If it is meant to be it will. Nothing was ever forced for Bagherra and I, it simply happened right under our noses and punched us dead in the face one day.
'Even though you wrote that me being on the website doesn’t bother you I’m getting off it! It’s something I had already considered and believe you deserve that respect!!!'
Why this quote? I'll tell you... A few letters before this Bagherra asked what I thought about his ad still being up, to be honest I didn't want it up anymore, but I would never ask him to take it down. I wouldn't ask because it's not like he can get up and make new friends. He can not communicate with people outside of his family if not for sites like WAP. A good example of that is some old friends found Bagherra on the site and decided to keep in touch. So the site is not just for meeting new friends, it's also a way to find old friends that have gotten lost in the system. After some discussion about this subject Bagherra took his ad down. I told him not to, after all someone paid for him to be up there, however I wasn't broken up about it. Now to touch on the point of this quote. Never make a judgement call for the person you write. Never demand they take their ad down, or use it against them. They are up there to have communication in their lives and a touch of reality. Reality to them is a concrete jungle, a place where they must have their game face on 24/7. A letter is a break from all of that. It's a moment in time where they get to break down and be a different person. They get a chance to feel whole again, like a human being and not an animal locked in a cage. Sure, bring the subject up if it bothers you, but most important... let them make the decisions. Always have trust for those you write, without trust you have nothing.
Expressing yourself openly and putting your trust in someone is no joke. It's something that takes time to develop and sometimes it never fully develops. Some are seen as victims and others as targets. Be strong enough to know the difference and always go with your instinct. I do not stress on scams and things like that because I have not experienced it. Yet, my very first pen pal tried to run his game on me and I refused to be like that. I stopped writing. The reason I am stressing this point is because when my feelings for Bagherra developed I questioned myself if this was real. I needed to figure out if he was just lonely and wanted someone along for the ride, or if he truly wanted to be with me because his heart was telling him to be with me. The heart is a funny instrument. Mine is broken and in pieces from Bagherra, yet it still works. I am still able to write these blogs no longer with him, yet I still look through that same window of love that I know will always be there. I took a chance and although I got hurt in the end I am still writing and still proud that I was with Bagherra. I would never take it back nor change it at all. The lessons I learnt within this relationship and the strength I earned will always be a part of me, just as a part of my heart will always belong to Bagherra. In turn every time my heart beats, he'll be there, and I'll know I'm still alive. Never doubt yourself or the person you are with. If it is real then there is no room for doubt or second guessing. I instilled Bagherra with my trust and in the end we both were hurt, yet through all that hurt there was still love. Love is a candle that burns forever. Try to put it out and one day it will begin to burn again. Never forget where you have been, because you'll get lost as to where you're going.
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