The last few months have been rough on me and I have neglected my blog, well I've finally gotten around to sorting everything out with Bagherra. We have decided to start over, only as friends. It's very hard on both of us, however all we know is we both want to be a part of each others lives. He sent me a letter a few days ago and it was an 'intoduction' letter. I found myself laughing hysterically, not because it was foolish, more so because I forgot what it was like to just be able to read about him and smile.
I have since moved on from this relationship into another. My current man is not an inmate. I told Bagherra about him a few weeks ago and for the most part he took it really well. He told me he just wants for my happiness, which is all I want for him. Where we are now, is a very good place. Many say that once the relationship sours, the free woman or man disappears, well I have not. I am here to say 'yes, my relationship failed', BUT that does not mean I have failed, nor has he. Our feelings were pure and real, he wasn't some 'inmate' playing a game. He meant it when he said 'I love you', as did I.
Lately I have been in contact with Bagherra's older sister, whom lives in Texas. His family knows that we can not make it work, I thought that all communication would stop, yet the other night on Facebook I said something to his sister and she replied 'you will always be my sister in law'. Those words meant more than I can say. Although Bagherra and I had a falling out everyone involved in the situation found a way to deal with it, however we all chose to deal with it together. I found another family from Bagherra and forever I will be grateful!
The point of this blog is to say this, although we choose to be with inmates, there is a chance that things will not work. We all take risks regardless if free or have our freedoms withheld. I will not cry myself to sleep at night, nor have pity upon myself. I will hold my head up high and say 'yes I still love my inmate', my feelings will not change. I have made a friend for life. Someone who I can always have around, someone to support me and someone I know appreciates me as much as I appreciate him. Life works as it will and everyone has a purpose. Bagherra will always be a part of me and I will never give up on him, even though we can not be together. I will still help him fight for his freedom and be the extra support he will always need.
I do not know my future, or if Bagherra will one day be a part of it as more than friends. However, I do know right now in my life that he has a place as a friend, as a brother and as a father to Ariel. He will always own a piece of my heart and when I think back on all the things we share I'll smile, simply because for that time I had the chance to share my best with a man who made me better, who taught me about myself and most importantly a man who put love aside or a friendship without making things 'nasty'.
'Moving On Is Simple, It's What You Leave Behind That Makes It So Difficult'
Hi,
ReplyDeleteThis is Bex from the WAP forum. I've been reading your blog for a while and have been especially touched by the last few entries.
I don't know if you are much of a reader or if you like books or not, but I'd like to recommend one to you now if you don't mind. It's called Visiting Life and it's by a woman called Bridget Kinsella.
It details a time in her life when she had gone through a lot of stresses and strains in her personal life and found herself writing to an inmate for the first time in her life.
Over time she fell in love with the man who was serving a life sentence, all the while knowing that it was not to be and wouldn't last. The inmate she was writing to knew this, but still took the opportunity to help her to heal and exorcise the demons of her past, by loving her and being there for her.
It was a short lived love affair, conducted entirely through letters and the occasional visit; but when she finally found the inner strength to stand on her own two feet and face the world as a whole person again, she had the love and unconditional care and consideration of her inmate-pen-pal/lover-via-letters to thank for it.
It's a very touching, true-life story and I think you would find it comforting to read at this moment in your life. You can check it out here:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Visiting-Life-Doing-Time-Outside/dp/1849822352/ref=sr_1_cc_2?s=aps&ie=UTF8&qid=1359170376&sr=1-2-catcorr&tag=1181204401-21
If you've already read it, or if you think I'm speaking out of turn by suggesting it to you, please accept my apologies.
Take care
Bex