A Very Unexpected Friend Request

For all of you that do not know, I do write other inmates and last year I required a pen pal that was almost ready to be released. I thought his release date was not quite this soon, yet when I logged into my facebook and noticed a new friend request I realized this pen pal either had someone make him a facebook or he was released. I then looked at my inbox and it was a message from him. He was paroled early and just wanted to let me know. He also let me know the best number to reach him at and wanted to keep this friendship alive. I decided against it, however we did message back and forth a couple of times. 

I know that his head is not where it should be, as his girlfriend had left him right before he was released and never let him know what was going on. This can be very heartbreaking for someone who thought they had someone to go home to. My heart goes out to this man and I know the feeling of being betrayed by someone you thought loved you. This is why I am not going fourth with this friendship. I wished him the best of luck and told him regardless I am always a message away to try to help him through his darkest days. 

I am writing this blog because I feel so bad for him and I want him to have a future outside of those gates that held him in for so long. I want him to find a nice girl with her life together and stop looking in all the wrong places. It seemed he was just trying to fill the void in his life. After 3 weeks out he had not done anything except sleep and party, which by all means is okay as he has been locked up for a long time, yet I know the state parole board may not see eye to eye with his new and unexpected plan. We all grieve in a different way and I hope he dusts himself off and gets his id along with a job to keep his mind occupied. He has a great family structure and they love him to pieces. I am sure he will be fine, yet I still do worry for him.

As for my personal life, Bagherra and I have hit a rough patch and are slowly working through it. I have been distracted as of late with some unexpected news, however his letters of support and love have been keeping my head held high. We also celebrated Ariel's birthday last month and of course he made her a beautiful card that is now hanging in her room. We have been discussing all the possibilities of this long term relationship behind bars and weighing in the pros and cons of it all. This has been very hard on the two of us knowing his last few appeals while we've been together have failed and this most recent hit us both really hard, as we believe they didn't bother to even take it seriously. This is a life that I have entered into and for all the stress I've endured I've also shared a lot of laughs, tears and joy with Bagherra. It just seems for every denial we get a piece of us breaks away from one another. It has gotten to the point he can not write me within the first week of the denial because he is afraid of what he will write. 

Appeals are very hard to win in the state we both reside. Not many get past the board, nor do many people get a second chance. I know the Governor is trying his best to change how this state judicial system works, yet for every step forward so many prisoners have to take a step back and be put on the back burner. Bagherra is not trying to overturn his conviction. He knows he committed the crime and is willing to pay for that, yet his sentence was very steep. Many men who murder in this state get less time than what Bagherra got. He is trying to reduce his time, as the other two men that were also involved in the crime got much less of a sentence than he did. As I've looked into the crime and into the court documents I realize that Bagherra was singled out for prosecution and did receive the most time for the crime (almost double of what everyone else got). Some thing just did not add up to me. I'm sure everyone says this about their loved one behind bars, yet I truly mean there are things in the report that do not add up. Bagherra has asked me not to talk openly about this so I will leave it at that.

'It's Hard To Wait Around For Something That You Know Might Not Happen, But It's Even Harder To Give Up, When You Know It's Everything You Ever Wanted'

-Unknown

Letter Breakdown (05/04/2012)

I've decided to continue to break down letters. This may sound crazy, but I feel as though I need to continue what I started and share the full story. Never have I painted my relationship with Bagherra as perfect. Never have I tried to make it look easy. Although the relationship is over I still want to tell the rest of my story and for those who read this blog I hope you take what you can from this and possibly help your own relationship. I still have love for this man so I will never 'beat him up' or talking down about him. I still have many hurtful feelings but my love for him means more to me.

In this letter we spoke about my family, as I was just getting back from vacation with my mother and step father. Bagherra knows I hold a lot of pain towards my mother and that I don't let it out. I keep it in and he told me he would always be there to hear me out when I want to talk about it. I also sent him a ton of photos of Ariel and my beach vacation. Those are always the highlight of the letters for him. He loves photo. Now to the quotes I want to share.

"I want you to know and understand that I’ve fallen for you and Tinkerbell I’ve fallen for you hard."

These last few letters we've been confessing feelings and we knew things were about to change in a major way. The signs of conversation changing are easy to point out when you look after the excitement wears down. There was a build up to this point. I knew I had feelings and a part of me didn't want to admit it and the other half wanted to scream my emotions from rooftops. When I think of how I felt I could only imagine how Bagherra was feelings. This big bad 'cholo' is confessing an emotion that could be used against him in the place he is at. Falling for someone is the easy part, I truly believe admitting your feelings is a different story. Love can be your strongest strength and your weakest weakness. Never use love against an inmate they do feel and hurt just as we do. I always stress this point because some people truly play games and mess with peoples heads to get what they want.

"Bella bambina this wonderful relationship we hold it’s not common and most things not common in life are difficult for others to understand!! I don’t blame you friends for showing concern, in fact I encourage them. I hope you always have friends who love you and worry about you and our little princess in your life! Yet your friends are right! My freedom only comes in an envelope."

Remember Bagherra and I have not taken to jump to be together yet. Okay, maybe that's not 100 percent true, but no one has asked to take this further and make it official. There was a ton to sort out before we took that jump. I had people who stood against Bagherra and I. I had many friends who had concerns about me getting to close to a 'convict' and I had family who only saw a Mexican with gang tattoos. Usually when people give me advice I don't mind listening to it, however there was only a few people who saw beyond Bagherras appearance. Even if you're strictly platonic with your pen pal people will still have negative comments to say. They do not understand why we do this, or why we would try to help someone like a 'convict'. I can not tell you enough to never judge a book by it's cover. Just because these men are in prison doesn't mean they are horrible people. YES, they have committed crimes and YES, they may be violent crime, BUT we must remember that people do change. Everyone deserves a second chance in life and for those who reach out to inmates know what I am talking about when I say that they are made to look like monsters but they are truly compassionate people who genuinely care about us that write. Now I'm not saying all the inmates are like that, because some are out to play games for money or whatever they can get out of pen pals. Always go with your own instinct when deciding what your limits are.

"Many things have changed in my since Ariel came into my life! She’s shook my entire world! Not only did she open up my heart but made me doubt old beliefs. I always knew that I wanted to be a father but I never realized truly just how bad I wanted this."

 Bagherra didn't have a chance to have children before prison. He never knew what it was like to be a father. I share everything Ariel does with him. He's been in her life since she was 6 months old and now I am happy to say his family is in her life. I did not introduce Ariel to Bagherra right away. He knew I had a daughter, yet I never pressed her in the early letters until I grew my own trust for Bagherra. I started to notice in the letters when we begun to talk about her his whole mood in the letter would change. I always knew and still know I could always depend on Bagherra to help me with Ariel. There isn't much he can do from prison, yet he can always just listen. I know how much he loves her and he sees her as his own. This is something I never plan on taking from him. Being a parent from Prison is extremely hard, yet many men do this everyday. It is something that takes much patients and understanding. Sharing your children with inmates is a tough thing to do and should be taken very seriously. Children are not a first letter photo, they are something that should only be shared once you have trust for the inmate you are writing to. Take your time they won't be upset if you do not feel like sharing your child in the first bunch of letters. Always have trust before you bring innocence like children into friendships.

We all have human emotions. We all show it and express it in different ways. In a way I believe Bagherra fell in love with Ariel first and then he fell in love with me. Our daughter brought us close together and quite quickly. After just 6 months we knew we were in love. Being cautious with your heart and you life is not a bad thing, it just means you are debating on what situation is best for you. Really take the time to think things through before you do it, whether it be telling an inmate you love them or even lashing out because you are mad at them. For every action there is a reaction and it can cause a domino effect on the friendship you share with your pen pals. Being in love with an inmate is not a downfall. We can not help who we love, rather we just fall and enjoy the ride. Never push someone to love you or to be with you. Let it happen naturally. This is what Bagherra and I did, it's how we made it work for so long both through the ups and the downs. For every good there is going to be bad. Between lock downs, failed appeals and no phone calls there is a ton of smiles, laughs and happy tears. Life will only move as fast as you allow it to, so take your time and enjoy the good even if everything seem to be going bad. If you are truly in love that love will always be there so never rush and always keep in mind out here time flies and in there is doesn't.

The Beginning...

Never before have I blogged of my story, however like a lot of other woman, most don't understand this love I have for a man. Not only a man, MY MAN. He's handsome (okay really sexy), amazing, caring, and honest. The perfect man for me. Now not all love stories are perfect, there is a downfall. He's a prisoner currently serving a sentence of 36 years to life. I can not begin to explain how this happened, but today I will try... Bare with me.

A year ago I took a chance on writing to an inmate. At first we were strangers, we became friends, then something changed. His letters became softer, more caring and loving. I ignored this. Whenever I had read about woman being in love with men like this my initial thought was "are you fxcking crazy?". I always said that would never be me. I knew I had feelings, but I kept them at bay. I controlled them the best I could. I did well , until he confessed his feelings. My life changed forever and I had not realized it yet. He never forced me to feel the same, he let me know it was okay for me to walk away or to not feel the same and continue with this friendship, that he of all people knew that life can change in an instant and it's better to not have regrets and say what you mean. I knew already the way I felt, I chose not to share to try to get it under control. I couldn't, I wouldn't. One day I woke up and looked in the mirror... I smiled and said "fxck it, I love him and it's time to let him know."

Initial reaction for most my friends and family was the normal "A CONVICT?" "He's a monster" "You're far too pretty to waste your life". I'm constantly defending what I have and will continue to do so until either they come around or they drop the subject all together. Now this hasn't been all rainbows and butterflies. Anyone in my same shoes can tell you how hard this is on a daily basis. It's a struggle with emotions, happiness, sadness, depression, loneliness, and joy. There are more bad points than good. However we focus on the good. It takes a strong woman to stand by a man they can not touch nor even get a simple phone call from. I can not pick up the phone and call him whenever I need to, I can't wake up in the middle of the night and feel comforted by him and I can not wake up in the morning curled up in his arms. What I can do is simple. I can write a letter as many times a week as I want and let him know what's going on inside of me. How I am feeling and the impact this has on me. I express myself through pen and paper. 

Love knows no boundaries. We are thousands of miles apart separated by locks, bars and high walls. For fxck sake he doesn't even have a window in his cell, but that does not define who we are together. We make a team that fights until the very end. We are each others biggest supporters. One letter can change my whole day. I may not know what your thinking about after you read this, but I do know one thing. Writing a prisoner not only changes their lives, but they change our lives too. They impact our life and are a constant flow of positive. Even if you do it to brighten someones day in a lonely cell somewhere always take the chances and let go. These men are not "monsters", they are not "animals", they are human. Every human deserves a chance. Compassion is the word of the day today. When compassion is given we learn to open our lives to the unknown and reach a level of happiness. So, next time someone tells you the write, love, married an inmate, stop with the rude comments. Put yourself in their shoes and see what it's like to brighten a lonely man/womans day.