I've decided to continue to break down letters. This may sound crazy, but I feel as though I need to continue what I started and share the full story. Never have I painted my relationship with Bagherra as perfect. Never have I tried to make it look easy. Although the relationship is over I still want to tell the rest of my story and for those who read this blog I hope you take what you can from this and possibly help your own relationship. I still have love for this man so I will never 'beat him up' or talking down about him. I still have many hurtful feelings but my love for him means more to me.
In this letter we spoke about my family, as I was just getting back from vacation with my mother and step father. Bagherra knows I hold a lot of pain towards my mother and that I don't let it out. I keep it in and he told me he would always be there to hear me out when I want to talk about it. I also sent him a ton of photos of Ariel and my beach vacation. Those are always the highlight of the letters for him. He loves photo. Now to the quotes I want to share.
"I want you to know and understand that I’ve fallen for you and Tinkerbell I’ve fallen for you hard."
These last few letters we've been confessing feelings and we knew things were about to change in a major way. The signs of conversation changing are easy to point out when you look after the excitement wears down. There was a build up to this point. I knew I had feelings and a part of me didn't want to admit it and the other half wanted to scream my emotions from rooftops. When I think of how I felt I could only imagine how Bagherra was feelings. This big bad 'cholo' is confessing an emotion that could be used against him in the place he is at. Falling for someone is the easy part, I truly believe admitting your feelings is a different story. Love can be your strongest strength and your weakest weakness. Never use love against an inmate they do feel and hurt just as we do. I always stress this point because some people truly play games and mess with peoples heads to get what they want.
"Bella bambina this wonderful relationship we hold it’s not common and most things not common in life are difficult for others to understand!! I don’t blame you friends for showing concern, in fact I encourage them. I hope you always have friends who love you and worry about you and our little princess in your life! Yet your friends are right! My freedom only comes in an envelope."
Remember Bagherra and I have not taken to jump to be together yet. Okay, maybe that's not 100 percent true, but no one has asked to take this further and make it official. There was a ton to sort out before we took that jump. I had people who stood against Bagherra and I. I had many friends who had concerns about me getting to close to a 'convict' and I had family who only saw a Mexican with gang tattoos. Usually when people give me advice I don't mind listening to it, however there was only a few people who saw beyond Bagherras appearance. Even if you're strictly platonic with your pen pal people will still have negative comments to say. They do not understand why we do this, or why we would try to help someone like a 'convict'. I can not tell you enough to never judge a book by it's cover. Just because these men are in prison doesn't mean they are horrible people. YES, they have committed crimes and YES, they may be violent crime, BUT we must remember that people do change. Everyone deserves a second chance in life and for those who reach out to inmates know what I am talking about when I say that they are made to look like monsters but they are truly compassionate people who genuinely care about us that write. Now I'm not saying all the inmates are like that, because some are out to play games for money or whatever they can get out of pen pals. Always go with your own instinct when deciding what your limits are.
"Many things have changed in my since Ariel came into my life! She’s shook my entire world! Not only did she open up my heart but made me doubt old beliefs. I always knew that I wanted to be a father but I never realized truly just how bad I wanted this."
Bagherra didn't have a chance to have children before prison. He never knew what it was like to be a father. I share everything Ariel does with him. He's been in her life since she was 6 months old and now I am happy to say his family is in her life. I did not introduce Ariel to Bagherra right away. He knew I had a daughter, yet I never pressed her in the early letters until I grew my own trust for Bagherra. I started to notice in the letters when we begun to talk about her his whole mood in the letter would change. I always knew and still know I could always depend on Bagherra to help me with Ariel. There isn't much he can do from prison, yet he can always just listen. I know how much he loves her and he sees her as his own. This is something I never plan on taking from him. Being a parent from Prison is extremely hard, yet many men do this everyday. It is something that takes much patients and understanding. Sharing your children with inmates is a tough thing to do and should be taken very seriously. Children are not a first letter photo, they are something that should only be shared once you have trust for the inmate you are writing to. Take your time they won't be upset if you do not feel like sharing your child in the first bunch of letters. Always have trust before you bring innocence like children into friendships.
We all have human emotions. We all show it and express it in different ways. In a way I believe Bagherra fell in love with Ariel first and then he fell in love with me. Our daughter brought us close together and quite quickly. After just 6 months we knew we were in love. Being cautious with your heart and you life is not a bad thing, it just means you are debating on what situation is best for you. Really take the time to think things through before you do it, whether it be telling an inmate you love them or even lashing out because you are mad at them. For every action there is a reaction and it can cause a domino effect on the friendship you share with your pen pals. Being in love with an inmate is not a downfall. We can not help who we love, rather we just fall and enjoy the ride. Never push someone to love you or to be with you. Let it happen naturally. This is what Bagherra and I did, it's how we made it work for so long both through the ups and the downs. For every good there is going to be bad. Between lock downs, failed appeals and no phone calls there is a ton of smiles, laughs and happy tears. Life will only move as fast as you allow it to, so take your time and enjoy the good even if everything seem to be going bad. If you are truly in love that love will always be there so never rush and always keep in mind out here time flies and in there is doesn't.
In this letter we spoke about my family, as I was just getting back from vacation with my mother and step father. Bagherra knows I hold a lot of pain towards my mother and that I don't let it out. I keep it in and he told me he would always be there to hear me out when I want to talk about it. I also sent him a ton of photos of Ariel and my beach vacation. Those are always the highlight of the letters for him. He loves photo. Now to the quotes I want to share.
"I want you to know and understand that I’ve fallen for you and Tinkerbell I’ve fallen for you hard."
These last few letters we've been confessing feelings and we knew things were about to change in a major way. The signs of conversation changing are easy to point out when you look after the excitement wears down. There was a build up to this point. I knew I had feelings and a part of me didn't want to admit it and the other half wanted to scream my emotions from rooftops. When I think of how I felt I could only imagine how Bagherra was feelings. This big bad 'cholo' is confessing an emotion that could be used against him in the place he is at. Falling for someone is the easy part, I truly believe admitting your feelings is a different story. Love can be your strongest strength and your weakest weakness. Never use love against an inmate they do feel and hurt just as we do. I always stress this point because some people truly play games and mess with peoples heads to get what they want.
"Bella bambina this wonderful relationship we hold it’s not common and most things not common in life are difficult for others to understand!! I don’t blame you friends for showing concern, in fact I encourage them. I hope you always have friends who love you and worry about you and our little princess in your life! Yet your friends are right! My freedom only comes in an envelope."
Remember Bagherra and I have not taken to jump to be together yet. Okay, maybe that's not 100 percent true, but no one has asked to take this further and make it official. There was a ton to sort out before we took that jump. I had people who stood against Bagherra and I. I had many friends who had concerns about me getting to close to a 'convict' and I had family who only saw a Mexican with gang tattoos. Usually when people give me advice I don't mind listening to it, however there was only a few people who saw beyond Bagherras appearance. Even if you're strictly platonic with your pen pal people will still have negative comments to say. They do not understand why we do this, or why we would try to help someone like a 'convict'. I can not tell you enough to never judge a book by it's cover. Just because these men are in prison doesn't mean they are horrible people. YES, they have committed crimes and YES, they may be violent crime, BUT we must remember that people do change. Everyone deserves a second chance in life and for those who reach out to inmates know what I am talking about when I say that they are made to look like monsters but they are truly compassionate people who genuinely care about us that write. Now I'm not saying all the inmates are like that, because some are out to play games for money or whatever they can get out of pen pals. Always go with your own instinct when deciding what your limits are.
"Many things have changed in my since Ariel came into my life! She’s shook my entire world! Not only did she open up my heart but made me doubt old beliefs. I always knew that I wanted to be a father but I never realized truly just how bad I wanted this."
Bagherra didn't have a chance to have children before prison. He never knew what it was like to be a father. I share everything Ariel does with him. He's been in her life since she was 6 months old and now I am happy to say his family is in her life. I did not introduce Ariel to Bagherra right away. He knew I had a daughter, yet I never pressed her in the early letters until I grew my own trust for Bagherra. I started to notice in the letters when we begun to talk about her his whole mood in the letter would change. I always knew and still know I could always depend on Bagherra to help me with Ariel. There isn't much he can do from prison, yet he can always just listen. I know how much he loves her and he sees her as his own. This is something I never plan on taking from him. Being a parent from Prison is extremely hard, yet many men do this everyday. It is something that takes much patients and understanding. Sharing your children with inmates is a tough thing to do and should be taken very seriously. Children are not a first letter photo, they are something that should only be shared once you have trust for the inmate you are writing to. Take your time they won't be upset if you do not feel like sharing your child in the first bunch of letters. Always have trust before you bring innocence like children into friendships.
We all have human emotions. We all show it and express it in different ways. In a way I believe Bagherra fell in love with Ariel first and then he fell in love with me. Our daughter brought us close together and quite quickly. After just 6 months we knew we were in love. Being cautious with your heart and you life is not a bad thing, it just means you are debating on what situation is best for you. Really take the time to think things through before you do it, whether it be telling an inmate you love them or even lashing out because you are mad at them. For every action there is a reaction and it can cause a domino effect on the friendship you share with your pen pals. Being in love with an inmate is not a downfall. We can not help who we love, rather we just fall and enjoy the ride. Never push someone to love you or to be with you. Let it happen naturally. This is what Bagherra and I did, it's how we made it work for so long both through the ups and the downs. For every good there is going to be bad. Between lock downs, failed appeals and no phone calls there is a ton of smiles, laughs and happy tears. Life will only move as fast as you allow it to, so take your time and enjoy the good even if everything seem to be going bad. If you are truly in love that love will always be there so never rush and always keep in mind out here time flies and in there is doesn't.
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