This letter is a difficult one to sum up. This is where he asked to change things up, to be in a committed relationship. He also spoke on the photos of Ariel's birthday and how much he wished he could have been there. He also asked me how I felt about him still being on the website. I have 2 quotes today.
"I’m happy,
extremely happy and she tells me that she is as well but not matter what or
what I try to tell myself I know in my heart that with me she is trading the
more for the less yet there is no doubt in my mind nor in my heart that she is
the love of my life and my everything!"
Bagherra gets to the point without cutting around the truth. He is very straight forward with me, which I found highly attractive in him. By this point I had stopped paying attention to the men out in the free world because my feelings were so strong for Bagherra. I turned away dates and kept to myself. Not because he asked me to but simply because I knew I would be thinking about him the whole time. To me it is strange how once someone grows in your heart you find excuses to not allow anyone else in. Bagherra expresses himself with ease and never holds out on his emotions. I found out quickly I was the same way with him. We've never held back, we leave everything on the page. Never have the mind set where you are afraid to tell the person how you are feeling, whether good or bad. The person receiving that letter is going through similar motions and if anyone knows the pain and the suffering, or the happiness and joy, it's the person who is on this roller coaster with you. always put it what you get out. Things tend to run better when both people put in all they can.
"Bambina my
mind is telling me one thing and yet my heart another! Tinkerbell will you be my
lady? Life is a struggle and loneliness has been a part of my everyday world to
have you and Ariel by my side is my second chance!! But what I’m asking of you
is truly selfish of me… You once told me more or less that you did not believe in a commited relationship between a man in prison and she on the out side world! Tinkerbell i'll never give up on this but I needed to ask you I hope you understand....."
I remember I had to re-read this little bit a couple times before I grasped the concept that the man on the other end of this correspondence was asking me to be his lady, to fully commit to this relationship and there was a chance he was never coming home. There is a chance I will never physically touch him or be able to sleep in the same bed as him. Yet, instead of turning away I embraced it. Now, this may sound crazy but like I've always said love makes us do some crazy shit but I knew I wanted to be with this man, prison or no prison. My feelings weren't going anywhere, rather they were growing strong by the day. I found a man that understood me, that knows all my secrets and has never once judged me. I found a man who loves me and cares for me more than I could ask anyone to. He may be in prison but in no way does that mean I can't be with him. I may not physically be with him, yet we share something most people don't. We built a bond so strong that us ourselves to this day are unable to break. We took the time to figure each other out and we fell in love blindly by accident. Love is love period. I love this man and I knew there was only one answer. To say yes and to fully commit myself to him.
For those who have never had feelings for someone on the other side of the letter you write you may not understand why I would agree to something like this. After all this man is an active gang member and serving a 36 - life sentence. We do not choose who we love, rather we just fall and deal with it as it comes. I had a choice to say no and to continue correspondence just keeping things the way they are. However, at this point I was already in love and knew what I wanted. Simply him. I couldn't focus on someone else being in my life because I knew that there was no one else for me. The love I have for Bagherra runs deep. Deep enough I know it will be there forever. I knew we were bound to have ups and downs and even a few fights. This is all part of a healthy relationship. We took an unknown path together and I never had to feel alone when he was around. I always knew I could pick up my pen and paper and simply write to him. He would always answer back, even if he didn't like the subject I was ranting and raving about. He helped me heal old wounds and lit a spark inside of me that will burn forever. Today's word of the day is Love... Why love? Because ' Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away.' . That is one of my favorite bible verse. We allow others in to love and be loved. We take the good with the bad and the pain with the happiness. We learn to not judge and to never hold something against someone. We love because we are born to love. We give our love knowing we may get hurt in the end, but when we look back we never focus on the bad, only the happy times. Love at it's greatest peak is pure. Nothing can stop it one the feeling hits. Learn to love even if just as friends. When we love we give someone all our trust and devotion. We dedicate our time and our resources to see someone smile, whether a letter or a phone call. Love allows us to have no obstacles we can not face and it allows us to feel unconditionally for someone. Never try to stop love.
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