To sum it up in a few words this letter we focused on myself and our relationship. We spoke about how he would never want me to shut him out and keep my feelings inside. There was also a song dedication Just A Kiss – Lady Antebellum ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v_yTphvyiPU ) .Lets get to the quotes.
'Baby
sometimes after harsh experiences, tragic losses or certain situations in life
we hide behind drugs problems, build up walls, or gang environments!!! I
personally tell myself that I hit rock bottom and that I pulled myself out but
in truth and realistically speaking mentally I might of pulled myself out yet
physically I’m still living in the bottom of the world however understanding
this is how I deal with my surroundings!!'
I never try to put myself in Bagherra's shoes because I am unfamiliar with his surroundings. We rarely talk about what happens behind those walls. I do try to understand what is going on in his head through these letters. We all have a coping mechanism and some people run and hide, others turn to drugs, drinking or sex and some face it head on. I am one who runs and hides. I push good things out of my life to protect my already shattered heart. I have had some major disappointments in my life and not just relationships. Bagherra and I rarely talk about why he is in Prison, however a few times we have and although I believe the sentence handed down was unjust, I believe he made the decision to commit the crime with hate in his heart. This is one thing we need to understand that when we have hate in our hearts and vengeance in our head we will have some bad thoughts, some people, like Bagherra, will act on them. The whole world will forever judge him on the same emotions you and I have. Now I am not justifying what he did nor am I ignoring what he did was wrong, I am simply saying we must always realize that we can not know someones mind state or even begin to figure out why they did something unless we first walk in their shoes and try to understand the way.
'CAPABLE!
Capable of being a little crazy at times yet of defending and protecting
herself always as she was taught! Capable of dealing in silence with her hurt
and wondering why nobody seems to understand! Capable of hiding her feelings
yet only from those too stupid and blind to see! Capable of pushing away for
reasons that she believes are more than enough yet hoping to one day run into
he who loves and understands the woman she truly is! Capable of loving with all
her heart yet in fear of losing control! Capable of being a great mother and
reaching her dreams! Capable of trust and love yet only to he who steals her
heart! Capable of believing love is a weakness yet of listening to her heart!
Capable of being independent yet of falling in love like a crazy woman! Capable
of being everything a mean needs and of reaching true happiness! Capable of
holding my love and heart yet being any mans dream come true…'
I ask Bagherra to describe me with one word... The word was capable... Bagherra truly opened my eyes to so many things I could not see myself. I didn't have low self esteem nor depression, I just simply closed my heart off and hid my pain from the outside world. I opened up to Bagherra because I figured I had nothing to lose. He truly knows me better than most do, he even knows me better than my own Mother. I've always took pride that I didn't need a man to take care of me, rather I'd have a man because I wanted one. This is where I changed most. Bagherra taught me that it's okay to depend on a man for love, simply because when you return the love it comes back full circle. I would lean on him at times of weakness and him the same with me. He'd give me the extra push to make me strive for more, all while I stayed in his corner and pushed him into a more positive state. You never know the value of someone until they take the time to understand you and figure you out. All people will have a different opinion of you, yet the ones who mean the most are the only ones that matter.
We can all judge ourselves, yet to some people what others think is most important. It should never be that way. I knew who I was and I always will. I may grow some more in the process, however for the most part who I am now is who I've always been. I've never asked someone to judge me or to let me know what they thought of me because I never cared enough about someone elses opinion. Bagherra changed all that. Rather he changed me. It's not that I need his opinion, more so to understand him I needed to see how he viewed me. We talk about some very deep things and we share our lives through our correspondence. For both Bagherra and I our mentalities have truly changed since we came into each others lives. We may not know it, and the inmates we write may not show it, but we make a world of difference for some people. Just saying a letter makes you smile opens their hearts to a new feeling. They have someone real to speak to, someone to vent to and most of all someone to truly call a friend. They live in a world where you can not trust your own family, let alone someone in prison they are thrown in a cell with. Listen to these men/women when they write to you. Try to understand them and do not forget why you begun to write. We write to make someone smile, to share laughs and to build a friendship. Never be judgemental and negative, they have enough of that in their lives. Be the positive influence they need, it will go a long way!
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