To quickly, quickly sum up this letter Bagherra and I spoke about the only other man I have ever loved... My father and my Father's views on why us as a Catholic family always went to Church. Bagherra knows my Father is a sensitive subject, as he has been gone for 3 years. We spoke about Ariel getting her shots and see the Doctor too. I also had another Spanish lesson in this letter.
"I’ll sooner
fold that doctor of yourse into a pretzel then hold my daughter little arms
down for FIVE NEEDLES!"
I always laugh because Bagherra is afraid of needles and he always gets a little crazy when Ariel is up for shots. I find the humor in this and other many not, but the thought of Bagherra beating up the doctor because he made Ariel take shots makes me laugh until I cry. Bagherra knows I go to these appointments alone and have to hold down my daughter when the nurse comes to give the shots. It's a very stressful time for any parent and Bagherra does his best to try to comfort me from Prison. It's soothing to know that he understands the pain I go through when it's time for shots, or if I have to take Ariel in because she is sick. I always stress so many men and women parent from Prison. They go through the same hardship we do, except they truly feel helpless. There is not much they can do to truly physically help, but mentally they are right on cue. I find Bagherra's words comforting and soothing. I know regardless of how horrible I feel after so many needles that I can go home and write Bagherra and release the stress I'm feeling.
"Sweetie
it’s understandable that this type of relationship takes a toll on you! I
having it much easier in many ways at times wonder why in the world did the
most caring, sweet and irresistible pair of beautiful Italian girls chose to
take a chance on me! All I truly know is how I feel about you as a person, a
woman and the mother of my little girl! In every way there is I’ve fallen in
love with you, I need you and admire you!!!"
Many girls see sensitive men as wussies or a much worse name. Then they grow to be women and understand why men can express themselves. We all know not all men will butter you up or lift your spirits so high. When you fall in love your whole world changes. Things that seemed childish years ago now become rays of hope and a sense of security. Being in this type of relationship is not what everyone makes it seem to be. In all truth most women do not like to relive the hard times because the hard times seem to come and go as often as smiles and laughs. We have places to channel the energy but no way to reach out and touch the ones we love after a fight. I choose to relive the hard as well as the good because that's why Bagherra and I where we are at now. I in no way makes this relationship seem easy, because it's not. It takes a special kind of dedication and commitment. It means a lot of loneliness and a lot of pillow cuddles. It means stalking your mailman and getting excited when you see the writing on an envelope. We express ourselves the only way we can, through pen and paper. I love when Bagherra shows his softer more sensitive side. It reminds me that the world may see him as a convict, or a hardened criminal, yet, I see him as this big soft man who melts at Ariel's blue eyes. This is what makes it worth it. To know that I changed a mans life as much as he changed mine.
"So
therefore I’ll return your heart! It hurts me deeply but it’s yours! I only
hope that this “ice box” is big enough for the both of us because where your
heart goes I go! Somebody needs to keep it warm and I did promise to always
take care of it…. I love you bambina…"
Bagherra has always known my biggest fear was love. I say was because before him my heart was in an ice box, locked away and forgotten about. I never loved before because I ran when I started to fall. I'd capture the pain and learn from it until it got to the point I'd forgotten to feel at all. I became cold and distant when men fell in love with me. I didn't have time to stop and realize what I was doing to people. I fell in love with Bagherra without catching it and by time I did I knew it was too late to run. I handed my heart to him then got scared and instead of him beating me up over being scared he simply made me smile and laugh. I knew right then and there that there was no running, hiding or pretending love didn't exist. It was time to face the fact that I had found my perfect man.
At some point in our lives we must face the fears that stop us from truly living. We must confront our demons and above all we must not forget to live. Since Bagherra my view on the world changed. Everything became brighter and I realized what I had ran from my whole life. I had run from the opportunity to share my world with another person. This all came from picking up a pen and writing on paper. It still amazes me to look back and realize that a relationship like this developed through the mail. No physical contact and no phone calls, just letters. When we open our world up to the unknown we open our world up completely. There is nothing wrong with walking away if you feel you have feelings for an inmate and there is nothing wrong with wanting to have more. However, you must be open and be able to admit either why you are leaving or that you having feelings and want to see them bloom. Just make sure you leave it on the page and remember that there is another person involved in the relationship. The choices you make do effect another person so never leave them high and dry. You made a commitment to write and when you decide you may not want to write anymore simply let the other party know, they may hurt, but it's better than leaving them wondering.
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