Showing posts with label Rants. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Rants. Show all posts

Sunday, December 2, 2012

The End...

I told myself I would go through all the letters before I begun to talk about the end, but I can not. I never saw an end in sight this time last year, however I see it now, and it's in my rear view mirror. In all honesty sometimes people are meant to love one another, however they are not always meant to be together. Bagherra and I couldn't make this work, I'm sure he can, but I can no longer be with someone like this. If our love is meant to be it will, but right now it's not meant to be.
 
I never questioned Bagherra and the last month all I've been doing is just that. There was another girl, whom he decided to share certain details of his life with, both of them knowing I was in the picture. I can not get around this. This is harder than having "DENIED" thrown at me. Everyone has different views on being faithful and it appears to me that Bagherra and I have different views than one another. For the last year I've gone to bed alone, I have not paid any attention to men that tried to get my attention and I have not so much as lied to Bagherra. Unfortunately he couldn't return that to me.
 
I don't want to dwell on this, nor is my purpose of writing this to bash him. This was is no way a mistake. He always told me I was "Capable", it was always the one word he used to define me. He taught me that I can love and let someone in without questioning their motives. I can tell someone my deep dark secrets and not have to worry about them judging me. Bagherra opened me up to a whole new world that I never allowed myself to live before. He gave me hope, patients and a hell of a good time. In a year I allowed myself to be happy alone, but with someone. We've had our fair share of ups and downs. I've never had a single phone call, just writing on paper. Somehow in the year of doing this I learnt to cope. I learnt to see it all as face value. I had a man who would kill for me, who would die for me and a man that will always hold a part of me. I love him with everything I have, but that love I have is not enough to get us through this.  
 
Being with an inmate is never a mistake. Would I personally do it again? No, I don't think I would. 36 years - Life meant a life of loneliness, no more kids, no more cuddles and no more middle of the night laughs. It meant no hugs, no kisses, no intimacy. This is not why I wouldn't do it again. I would not do this again because of Ariel. Ariel deserves more in this life. I was raised by a single father. A man who provided me with anything I could have ever possibly needed. A man who loved me unconditionally. I was and am still my Daddy's little girl. A fathers love is like no other. It's a bond that can not be defined. I was belted when I misbehaved, but I never questioned it. I never talked back and I never cussed. I grew up with morals and values. Why? My father taught me those things.
 
This love I have will not go away over night, nor do I think it will ever just stop being there. I'll continue to keep in touch with him and help him along his way. I'll still have hope he can one day come home and start a family of his own. Somewhere where he can find his place being productive in society. I'll never wish ill feelings on him, nor will I ever talk down about him. He was good to me, but he wasn't ready for who I was. I never doubted his love nor his feelings. He is a victim of his own surroundings. He's been in a single man cell with no windows or sun for 3 years, with a ton of more time to serve in there. He made his choices. Both in Prison and out of Prison. This doesn't make him a monster. Yes, he is known as a violent person from both the cops where he's from and the people that fear him. To me he was as gentle as possible. He never pushed me, he rarely cussed, he always thanked me and he made sure he knew how much I meant to him.
 
I have not gotten emotional about this in some time and I have a flood of emotions coming back to me now. This man brought this person out of me that I've never seen before. I became better, better at accepting people into my life. We all have something in our past that mentally messes us up and I have quite a few. I learnt to let go and just let things happen. Life will work as it should and theres not a damn thing you can do to change it. The thought of not having him in my life kills me. I'm damaged to say the least. Eventually the pain will go and I will look in a more positive direction, I'll take everything I learnt from him and move forward with that. I hope we stay in touch and can learn to be friends once again.
 
Listen to me, never think of the worst when deciding to be with someone in Prison. Never try to control everything. Lay out ground rules. Allow him or her some breathing room. Let them make mistakes and try to work it out. I did try, but I couldn't allow this to go further. Life is a long time to try to trust someone whose done you wrong. Let them apologize but never be too harsh. They do have feelings. Live your life for what it's worth. Make sure whatever you do from here to the day they put you 6 feet under is worth it. Take the risks, feel the pain and bring it with you. Your pain can only make you stronger. Don't set out with bad intentions and don't play the game. Keep your head up and be on top of what your trying to take on. Most importantly love like there is no tomorrow, in the end you'll have the good memories to take with you, as they always outweigh the bad.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Amanda Todd...

Before you read my post I ask you first to watch this video... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IyHX7wMJBY0 
 
I am completely disgusted that human beings are capable of this. This girl needed someone and instead we turned our backs on her and mocked her? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH KIDS THESE DAYS? It seems everywhere you turn another child is hurting themselves. It's not because of her looks that caused this attention it was because she spoke out about it. Many kids in her shoes wouldn't! The man who kept falling her with that photo of here boobs should be locked up. I wear a bracelet everyday that says I <3 motor boating (for breast cancer), we see ads everyday with boobs, so why should Amanda have been different? She showed her boobs in the 7th grade... GET OVER IT. She has a right to do what she wishes with her body. For those of you that think it's gross and made fun of her, one day you'll be an adult and you'll get over yourself, you'll come to realize how stupid your decisions were and how your hand helped her do what she did. No one should ever encourage suicide, nor be a part of it. Cyber bullying has gone too far and it makes me sick. It makes me sick to think my child, whom is an innocent baby girl, will grow up in a society that believes this kind of behaviour is okay, it's not! Before you start cussing me out cause your opinion is so awesome, SHUT THE FUCK UP, I'm a grown woman and I do not give a fuck about your opinion this is mine... You should be ashamed that your sticking up for a bully, you should be ashamed that your own parents allow this behavior and you should be ashamed that these thoughts are going through your own head.
 
I was raised by a belt and I respected those around me, why? Simply because I am a lady and I shall act like one. Yes, I did some stupid shit when I was a kid, who doesn't? No one ever mocked me nor pushed suicide on me, nor did they egg me on. I fought my way through school year after year, I was a bully. I'm ashamed to say that, however I knew when I had gone too far. I didn't come online and smack that person down, I used my fists and when that fight was over... IT WAS OVER... There was no seconds, nor thirds, no going online and beating that person down neither. The difference in generations is respect. This is for parents, when you allow your children to act like this you are telling them it is okay, even when it is not. Punishment is REQUIRED. I don't CARE if your afraid to punish your child or you don't want to look like the "bad guy", punishment is necessary if you want a respectful child, a child to grow to be proud of. I took my punishments, I fought them as hard as I could, but I got them. I didn't have a cell phone at age 8, they didn't even have proper cell phones back then. I got my first cell phone at 16 when I bought my damn own and paid my own bill! Stop thinking your doing your child a favor by letting them have all these privileges, your not doing any one any favors, your allowing your child to make stupid decisions. I'm so sick of parents saying "Oh she/he is a good kid, they would never participate in something like this" WAKE THE FUCK UP. This is the reality of it, we are blinded by love. Take a step back and monitor their cell use, look at out going pictures, most importantly TALK TO YOU KIDS ABOUT SENDING PHOTOS AND ABOUT BULLYING. The only way to stop this is to educate our children on the dangers of these subjects.
 
Bullying is more common now then I have ever seen it before. Things are forever changing, and it seems like the children are the ones responsible for that, and I believe that statement to be wrong. I believe bullying comes down to parents. I'm not saying your a bad parent but some parents don't communicate properly. I remember when I was younger I could tell me parents everything, sure I'd get beat, but I'm happy my parents cared enough to be involved in my business. If I needed help, they helped me any way they could. I had anger problems when I was younger, very serious anger problems. My step dad and I would get into fist fights and I didn't blame the kids at school I blamed everyone involved and instead of laying back and watching it erupt, my parents got me into counseling and they themselves went too. Yeah as a kid it felt like they were aiming it at me, but they weren't, they didn't understand what I was going through so they sent me to someone that did. I met a woman named Lena. This woman changed my life. I went to a group every Saturday and maybe I didn't see the change but I became a role model to kids younger than me, they begun to believe in themselves. I still remember my last day of counseling I was in tears because everyone said nothing but good things about me. It's the smallest things that impact ourselves and the big things that change them. As a parent we must be educated on the things to look for, if you even think your child is the aggressor or the victim INTERVENE... Stop it before it goes too far. What happened with Amanda went way too far. Her parents TRIED to make it better for her, but the kids wouldn't stop. Who is to blame them? The parents of the kids who were too stupid to look through their kids phones. What are you doing as parents to prevent sex at young ages? What are you doing as parents to educate your child about respect. If your kids can't even respect you how do you expect them to respect anyone else?
 
Now I may have crossed a line here, but again I don't care. In order to raise child we must remember what it was like to be a child ourselves. Things weren't always easy. Teasing is a part of life, but harassment shouldn't be. We must always instill our beliefs and our experiences into our children. As parents we are their biggest role models. We are the ones they look up to, if you are in a marriage that's abusive, or angry in any way that rubs off on your child. If we live good lives but ignore our children they will seek acceptance elsewhere. Always make time for your kids, I used to to go the movies with my mom once a month, just to spend time with her, just so she can make sure everything is okay with me. Do yourself a favor and spend time with your kids, influence them in the right direction. Be their best friend and their worst enemy. Be respected and don't settle for less. This story of Amanda breaks me down. It saddens me that this young girls live was ended by her own past. Yes, she made mistakes but look in the mirror! Have you ever made a mistake? Have you ever not felt accepted? Voice yourself. Get help. Be open with your parents. Live each day knowing that it will get better in time. Don't allow others to break you, you will only get as far as you want to go. Never settle for something you don't think is right and stand up for what you think is right. Never back down from something you believe in. Most importantly NEVER LOSE YOURSELF... You are who you are and believe it or not, one way or another a day will come where people will accept you. Being an adult is not easier than being a child, bills suck, but in all honesty we are not as judgemental as children. Children are vultures. Do not allow them to take kindness for weakness. Allow yourself to blossom just the way you are and never stop believing in yourself. We can not change the world, but we can change ourselves.