This letter was very short, two pages (front side only). I wrote him an unexpected letter that was short and sent a few photos. It seems like even with a small letter I find myself smiling and feeling giddy. It's been like that since the beginning. Okay let's get to the quote.
"Baby always bare in mind that you are truly important and your smile means the world to me. That our relationship is special in every way and as days go by I miss you more and more! As the night approaches I wish you were with me. You’ve been there for me and always remember that I’m here for you."
Maybe it's just me, but truly I don't feel any different because I'm in a relationship with a Prisoner. I don't feel like there's thousands of miles and many bars that separate us. I feel like I'm in a regular relationship, however I'm not dumb, I know where he is at and that is why I go to bed alone every night. Both of us were treading dangerous waters. We knew exactly where we were headed and had all the time in the world to stop it and we didn't. Sometimes things happen, things I, myself, can not explain. Look I'm no "groupie" or a girl who gets turned on by men like that. Bagherra is my one and only exception to a set of rules I made when beginning this journey. I always find myself going back through letters and seeing things now I couldn't see before. Maybe I didn't want to see the direction we were heading in, maybe it's because I wanted to see where this was going. I allowed this to happen because I was feeling the same as him. I would never allow myself to be put in a situation I couldn't handle. It may seem like in a way we spun out of control, when in reality we were on this roller coaster together. We never spun out, we just got lost and came out with each other rather than alone. I'm not weak for being with a man that is locked up, nor do I wish this loneliness on my worst enemy. The point of this quote, before I begun ranting, was that once a friendship is developed sometimes feelings follow. You go from turning someones day a bit brighter to being their light in the dark. You go from being a smile to a constant thought. If we allow ourselves to look past the crime, to look past the appearance we meet a human being. A human that is capable of loving someone, who is capable of being your light in the dark.
Now I am not promoting a relationship with a man behind bars, but if you feel that's the next step and your sure they feel the same way, what's stopping you? If you have valid reasons then yes, stop it. However if you currently fishing for options than it seems your more trying to find an excuse. It's either you want this or you know. You can go in with an iron fist and beat yourself down for hurting yourself, or you can go in open minded and see where it goes. I broke my only rule, to never fall for an inmate. I don't regret it, I don't feel foolish and I don't feel alone. I make my relationship work the only way I know how, we face things when they come to us. Both Bagherra and I have never had a type of relationship like this before. It's new for us. It's exciting. I often stress if we are doing things right, but we are learning together. I don't know what our future holds, but I do know that I see Bagherra in it. I'm a smart girl, I know that 36 years - life means 36 years - life. I know that he could die in Prison. I'm not naive, nor stupid, but I do know there are options for these types of relationships to stay strong for as long as that. When you feel feelings developing always take a step back and look it all over. Ask yourself (if he's a lifer) could you imagine doing this for life? Do you want children? Do you want to feel secure in a mans arms at night? I asked myself all these question. I came up with one negative and a positive. It seemed the positive made more sense to me. Make sure they make sense to you to, whether bad or good you must do what's best for you in your life, it's better to hurt someone early on rather than longer down the road. Get out what you need to, explain it to them and your reasoning. Give them the chance to understand!
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