Letter Breakdown (04/05/2012)

I took a leave of absence for a little while, but I'm back now. In this letter we spoke about the meaning I have in his life. How special I am to him. At this point we were still hesitant about our feelings because well let's face it he's in prison! It was a mutual hesitation! We also spoke on the ideas of tattoos he wants. I always find myself laughing. Bagherra is an amazing artist, but some of his tattoo ideas seem crazy to me! Anyways, I have 3 quotes today!

"You once wrote “that Italian sounds like a keeper”, I never doubted you and these past few months have been amazing."

 

Sensitivity is common amongst all human beings. We are all capable for harbouring feelings and making connections. Those who push away are not weak, they are just waiting for the right person to come along. That was me in my past. I pushed away from everyone close to me. A lot of the time I didn't know how to cope with my feelings. Most feelings turned into anger. I bottled all the good and unleashed the bad. I've lost many people in my life to my methods. Everyone always questioned why I didn't allow them to see this other side of me. My father always told me I would know when it's right to unleash and I would always know when to hold back. With Bagherra I found myself opening up. It felt the right thing to do. I was comfortable and I trusted him. This was very hard on my part. I've never opened up to anyone before in my past. By allowing myself to open up I opened up a whole different world. I begun to see things I had never seen before. I used to think it is a weakness to allow someone to know my sensitive side. However my views have changed, it doesn't make you weak. It makes you strong, let me explain. When we confide in others we begin to see them in a different life. We go past appearances. We see what this person is made of. Being able to tell someone your horror stories lift the burden off of you. It doesn't erase the memories, it just makes it easier to know someone cares enough to talk it out with you. This is why what Bagherra and I share is so special and why we are so special to one another.

 

"I don’t blame you for being afraid but admire your strength because it’s never easy to live this way! Babe it eats me up inside to see such lovely green eyes yet something missing. Under different circumstances I wouldn’t hesitate once to assure you that you are the woman for me and I the man for you…"

 

I feel like I'm back tracking. In all honesty this letter was one to jerk at my heart strings. It crushed me to know I found such an amazing man, but the circumstance were set for failure. How many prison relationships truly work? How many woman really ride it out with there men? How many men stay with their women when they get free? Statistically the numbers are low. However there is a small portion that truly make it work. Many of us are hesitant to try something like this because of those statistics. For the most part I've always been on my own. I've always depended solely on myself. My strength was also my weakness. I never wanted to depend on someone, but depending on someone isn't a burden, it's a gift. Being with someone is hard to maintain, but it's that feeling knowing no matter how alone you feel, your not. Bagherra always believed the only reason we couldn't be together is because he couldn't protect me from where he is. This is true, I deal with my life day to day because I have no idea what tomorrow brings with all these appeals and all these struggles. Not having daily contact or phone calls makes this relationship hard. Being hesitant is not a weakness. It's looking at what others have been through and seeing if you can go through these same things. Throw the statistics away and ask yourself "how do I make this work", because at the end of that day what you share with your loved ones is different than what the next person may share with them.

 

"Babe I was thinking since you and I both like to have the last word how in the world would our relationship ever work!!! And after long hours of thinking I came up with a solution! Hermosa with me by your side you will always have the last word… as long as it is 'yes babe whatever you say'"

 

I'm laughing as I read this. Bagherra and I are both very stubborn people. We are not afraid to face a fight, but we both always want the last word. This can cause tension I am sure, but in all truth for the most part Bagherra and I have been in very few fights and we usually find a way to work them out. Bickering is part of life, so in arguing, but it makes your relationship strong. I will not sit here and pretend things are perfect, because right now they aren't. I will say just because we are bickering doesn't mean all my love for this man gets thrown out the window. I addressed the problem and now I am moving forward, if he chooses to let this being us down then we will face that too. This is all a part of any normal relationship too. There should always be boundaries. Above all else that person should be able to make you feel all the emotions life can offer. It doesn't matter the circumstances, even out here in the free world we face difficulties in relationships and sometimes they don't always work out. I've had a few relationships that ended sour and I've lost many people over my temper. I love that Bagherra can joke about things like this. It's an eye opener to know someone that knows your temper and accepts it.

 

I have "hot blood" too many people mistake my temper and rage for bipolar disorder. When in all truth us Italians are VERY passionate people. One minute we will throw dishes at your head and the next minute we will stitch up your wounds and kiss them better. It's who I am. I don't allow fights to bring me down and I rarely hold grudges. If you are in a relationship with a inmate or even considering it, listen to me, DO NOT ALLOW THE LITTLE THINGS TO GET TO YOU. They will tear you apart. It's hard to resolve things through letters and trust is not easier held onto. If your gut instinct tells you something is wrong you need to go off of it. Too many people get played, both on this side of the bars and on the other. We all have fears in life, but the only way to get over the fear is to face it head on. Be calm about it, take a couple days to mull it over, never cause unnecessary drama and take it a day at a time. Being with someone in prison takes trust to a whole new level. If you have trust issues this is not for you. We write to mean and women behind bars to be a light in the dark. We are not there to bring them down and eat them alive. Everyone says stupid shit and it's hard to tell sarcasm from normal talking through pen and paper. Today's word of the day is TRUST. I know I've used this word before but I believe it to be a word of the day everyday! To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved. Always trust those around you and learn to trust yourself. At the end of the day you'll weed out those whom cause you grief and move forward with life a little more positive.

I Wrote To His Mother.

Yesterday I received a warm and loving letter from Bagherra, as usual, something in it made me feel almost pressured to write to his mother. She was asking about me and asked him to tell me to write or to call her. Seeing there was a language barrier I wrote it out and had sweet Belle (name hidden as usual) translated it for me, she is the only woman I would trust to translate the letter for me. It took me 3 hours to compose a short 3 paragraphed letter. I was shaking from the thought of having to do this. The last time I was shaky like that and that emotional, I felt as though I had lost all function to move, was when my father was dying. Now I can not tell you why I was having anxiety over this but I can tell you why I got so emotional. For months we've been communicating in a strange way through Bagherra. He would let me know what her letters said and I was blown away by how accepting this woman was of not only myself but a child she now calls her grand child. I'm smiling as I write this. There are times in our lives where we hit highs, this is defiantly one of them.

 

This woman knows nothing of me, well only what Bagherra has told her. She trusted that her son made the right decision by being with me and instead of acting like my mother, which we will get to, she opened her arms and her heart and let us in. Meeting parents is always hard period... Writing parents of inmates puts a lot of pressure on you. I don't want to hurt anyone involved in this and our relationship is developing fast, in truth it's always developed fast. I almost didn't put the letter to his mother in my mail box, all these horrible thoughts ran through my head. What if she hates it and then begins to turn on me... I could never compete with her. She owns Bagherra's heart and that is easy to see. What if she decides I'm not right for her son? What if she can't even read the damn letter and the spelling is all messed up? There I go again with all this shit! The decision was final, it's time to cross this bridge and see where this leads to. Being in a relationship in prison is no different than being out here. Eventually parents will get involved and you will have to face them just as I am. never feel pressured to do this. I can sit here and say that's why I did it, but it's not. I felt that after reading what she wrote it was time to close the gap of talking through Bagherra and taking a more direct approach. I want him in my life and I know how important his family is to him. I would never want to cause strain in anyway in his relationships with them. In order for the family to get to know you they must in some way hear from you. It is NOT easy, but it has to be done eventually. I've gotten over the hardest roadblock. His mother, not I feel as though I can continue to take on the world.

 

Now for the first time I will speak on my family. My father passed from cancer a few years ago and before he died he made my youngest older brother promise he would step in and be my dad when he's gone. He is 14 years my senior. So realistically he can be! Needless to say I sent him a copy of one of Bagherra's letters and he broke it down very simply for me, he likes Bagherra and it's clear to see this man loves us (myself and Ariel), however eventually it needs to turn to more. now I won't get into specifics, I'm not ready to face these questions yet. Although the door is wide open now, I'm trying will all 98 pounds of my being to hold it closed. There is more appeals, which stands higher on the priority list than anything else. Trying to get Bagherra home is MOST important and IF we can't than we take the necessary steps... TOGETHER... we must be on the same page. My mother will NEVER approve of my relationship with Bagherra. My mother is a very caring lady, not so much a loving mother. She has HIGH expectations for her children and so far none of us have lived up to the hype. I have 2 half sisters from my mom (both in which are older), she is not the mother of my brothers. This has always put a strain on our relationship, so has the fact that I was raised by only a father for 11 years. I always felt not wanted. This is another story all together, but this little bit of background gets the point across. I have never had a proper relationship with my own mother until I had Ariel. We begun building around this common love we have from my child. When she found out about Bagherra I thought she would have a heart attack. Seems hilarious but it's not. She snapped. Told me off and now we don't speak about it. I'm perfectly fine with this. There is much more to this "drama" than meets the eye but for now I will leave it at this... My mother will not accept Bagherra behind bars or in the streets. He is a gang member (even if he drops out, she will still see a gang member), he is another race than my own and he has a lengthy criminal past. Some of us can look past these things and some of us can not. My mother is the one who looks at the cover and disregards the book if she doesn't like what she sees. I am not, I like to read the book for myself and form my own opinions. This has caused tension more than I can remember with my mother and I.

 

When going into this relationship your seeking with an inmate remember it may seem like only you and the inmate are involved, but it is more than that. Their families and yours are included as well. We've both "eased" each other in to our families and while one side accepts it, the other doesn't. I can proudly say I'm happy it's all out there and I plan to continue this journey with Bagherra regardless of what others think. It comes down to what you think. To have his mother be so accepting it truly makes me proud that he has a family whose only concerns is him getting hurt, but they understand he is a grown man and can do what he pleases. I'm not sure what this relationship with his mom will develop into, but I can only hope it goes in my favor. Always be opened minded to your significant others family! They are their biggest support! Although Bagherra would never let them interfere with our relationship he does think it's best that in some form we communicate, language barrier or not. I see this as very true. Always keep an open mind to you significant others feelings. These people that matter most in their lives have to matter to you some as well, make the attempt. It's nerve racking but in the end you can proudly say your doing this because you want it to work. Today's word of the day is RISK... To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing. I took a risk with Bagherra and now I'm taking a risk with his family. This risk is the greatest risk I've ever taken.

Letter Break Down (03/30/2012)

This was another short letter based around our daughter mostly and of the photos I sent him of his forever growing daughter. It's always times like these that make it harder on both of us. He parents from Prison, with no visits and no phone calls. The thought of this drives me off the wall and back. It saddens him how much she grows (she's a very tall baby naturally). It's always a difficult subject, but one we face head on together. I have two small quotes today.

 

"I must confess I’m loco!! Loco!!! About you, that I realized that things within me are changing as well, I’ve noticed that even at times in how I write to you! I just hope that you don’t allow this to  change things between us….."

 

We kept holding hope that things would slow and that I wouldn't push away. Well needless to say they never did, nor did I expect them too. The road we were travelling was a dangerous and potentially hurtful road, hell it still is, but we chose this. Making a choice like this takes a toll on anyone. The outcome always effects not only us but the ones around us, those that love us must may seem like they "knew it from the start", but what you feel inside is always stronger than those options. I know IF things between Bagherra and I went south that I would forever take a part of him with me. He changed my life and impacted it hugely. He opened up a person inside of me that I hid for years, he allowed me to contradict myself and to develop what I wanted alone. He was never pushy nor did he hide his own feelings. Gradually over the course of this last year things inside of us both started changing rapidly. Things did change between us, but for the better. We no longer held back our feelings nor did we deny them. We just simply chose to live with them and for them. We were not only true to ourselves but true to one another. Honestly goes a long way in life. The web of lies you cast are always found out in the end. Don't ever pretend to be something you are not, especially to an inmate whom reads your letters over and over again. Eventually the inmate will catch onto your game and not want to play it anymore. Never have a hidden agenda or try to be someone your not with an inmate. They are in no way stupid. They develop their own senses of people, we must remember according to the law they are all "cons", so before you play the games remember they more than likely played the games as a younger person. Love is not a toy, nor is a fantasy world okay to live in. Face reality and be straight forward.

"Always remember that the two of you together hold my love – a love that even though written through pen and paper it is true, sincere and capable."

 

Some people have a hard time believe that us out here can fall for an inmate or that an inmate is capable of these feelings. They are just as we are. When you pour your life into something or someone it shows. For the few little bit I always questioned if this was some sort of game Bagherra played, but the more we wrote the more I knew he was being truthful. He didn't make up his family, or tell me lies about them. He told me truths and about who they are as people. he didn't paint himself or anyone to be a saint and the best man out there, he even says himself he doesn't deserve me after all his mistakes when he was younger, but fact is he has me and what we share is pure. I have never asked him if this was a game, I needed to make my own decisions on what this was. Questioning someone shows you don't trust them, coming to realizations means you built your own feelings and thoughts with no one influencing you. Don't give up some an inmate just because some of us had bad experiences. We've all had that one pen pal... Yes, we all know which one... "But I have no one to support me so if I don't write back it's cause I can't afford to" or the "Send me something to show you love me"... Don't ever fall for those games, and if you do expect to always be treated like that. I've sent 1 thing to Bagherra and he blew up about it and tried to make me promise I'll never send him something again. I never made that promise and were fast approaching his birthday and Christmas. I choose to send things because I want to. I know he will be grateful but pissed off at the same time. He'll get over it. This is pure...

 

Not all inmates play the love game, no two inmates are the same, but if you get a bad gut feeling about an inmate then go with your gut instinct. If you can not trust them fully you may never trust them at all. Things will only get worse unless you feel 100 percent trusting of them. It works like that out here too. We must trust someone to tell our secrets to, and if they fuck you over then we all know what happens after that. A few nasty texts turns into a few nasty phone calls that turn into a bitch fight to remember. It works the exact same way in Prison except a few words can turn to anger, which can lead to shouting which ultimately leads to stabbings. It seems completely different., however it's not. We use the tools we have out here to fight and they use the tools they have. They don't have the options like we do! There life is so much different then ours. That's why when choosing a pen pal NEVER write two people in the same prison, or if it's a state like California NEVER write two people period. You never know when a picture on a wall of a cell can turn into a death. Be smart about writing, never push nor hold back. I tell Bagherra when I want to write to other people, although he doesn't agree with it he stands beside me regardless. I'm proud of him and to be his, there is no man that can break the bond we have. We are secure in our relationship. Never question whom your with, and if you have to why are you with them period? TRUST is the word of the way. Follow your heart, but be quiet for a while first. Ask questions, then feel the answer. Learn to trust your heart. Always go for what you believe in and never let someone tell you different. You are who you as an individual. Act like one! 

Letter Breakdown (03/28/2012)

This is the letter Bagherra realized my writing had become different, that something has majorly changed within myself. I no longer side stepped my words and hit my feelings dead on instead of ignoring them. This was a major step for our relationship, or what would become of it. As always we spoke of family, this is always an important subject for us. We are both dedicated to our families, however we don't have the "perfect" families. I have 4 briefs quotes I want to get to...

"Personally I’ve never been one to yell nor scream but I can assure you that I’ll stand by you here or in the streets!"

Bagherra knows that when I fight, I scream, yell, kick and hit. I have a nasty temper. This is where things have changed within myself. I can not do this through a letter and for the first time in my life I find myself watching my words. I refuse to fight with Bagherra while he is in prison. It's stressful enough for him and I don't want to make it worse. When I do want to fight with him there is always a quick resolution to our problems. Being in a relationship with someone in prison is difficult to say the least, fighting will only make things worse. A fight can lead to multiple awkward letters and more misunderstandings. We have to remember that you can not set your voice tone through letters, one word can change every ones mood. We must always be clear when we are trying to get a point across, the last thing you want is for your friend or significant other behind bars to take your words the wrong way. Communication is all you have, you can not use anything physical to strengthen the relationship. Bagherra has stood by my side from day one. He's been an amazing source of support, a shoulder to lean on and someone I feel comfortable telling all my life to.  

 

"How can I tell you or begin to explain something that goes against everything we believed from the start?"

 

I don't know why this quote, however something in this quote makes me think. I tend to over think things in my life and drive myself crazy. With this quote I took it at face value. Bagherra and I decided against any type of relationship from the start, we never made promises we wouldn't, but we decided to go in with an open mind and see where things lead. Now, we built a very fast friendship, then we begun to feel. Feelings were beginning to be serious, things were starting to come out more. We both knew we didn't want to touch on the subject yet, we eased into things. We never rushed. We were patient with one another. We both knew how we felt but we wanted to make sure this was the right thing to do. This is where things get tricky. Some people cut off all communication when people begin to talk like this. This is not a reasonable thing to do. When these feelings come up you must always deal with them, even if the option is to walk away. Never live with guilt and never feel guilty for expressing yourself. These inmates will understand, they are not cold blooded nor cut off from feeling anything. They may develop feelings for you, or you may develop feelings for them, whichever way it happens always let the other person know, just to warn them that feelings are developing. As human being we can learn to control our emotions, but we can not use them to our advantage and we can not force them to feel the same as us. Emotions are not games, nor are they a bargaining chip. We are all human, we all feel and we all have flaws. We must understand this about people. We must be patient and honest. Never play games with another person and NEVER think that dangling a man/woman in prison by a string is okay. It is not okay, it's a horrible thing to do. Life must never be taken for granted.

 

"I can’t protect neither of you from here, for which when a good man comes grab a hold of him you won’t and shouldn’t hesitate to cut me lose! There’s not a man in the world who would accept what you and I share!"

 

Bagherra always throws a curve ball in every letter. This was my curve ball. I caught it and I corrected it. I knew I didn't want to lose what I shared with him. I didn't want to have to make the choice between him and someone else. He mattered to me, a great amount. We all make choices in life, my choice was to take my own self out of the dating game. Why? For the simple reason I didn't want an awkward situation trying to explain there is this man whom I care a great amount for that writes me 3 times a week, I was positive that wouldn't go over well! Bagherra is right! Not many people will accept someone like this in your life. They will not understand why you feel the need to keep someone like Bagherra. My reasons were easy, we always come back to this one word... HOPE. I truly have hope he will come home. It's not fair to enter a relationship when you can't give that person 100 percent of you. There will always be a part of my that in more or less words belongs to Bagherra. The feelings I developed were growing fast enough to allow me to see beyond everything that stands in our way. Dating would make things awkward and cause tension. I made this choice alone. Bagherra didn't ask it from me, I thought about it over and over and asked myself if this was the right decision. I played it out and today I know I made the right decision. We can not predict our lives, but we can catch a curve ball every once in awhile and run with it.

 

"A very popular saying here in Prison is “you should have left you feelings at home” it’s a very wise and logical saying in my opinion! Yet almost impossible!! However being that you’re the woman I trust! I trust you with my feelings so I send them home to you."

 

I love this last quote. I had a good laugh when I first read it, however that doesn't make it less true. When we see the sensitive side of these inmates it means they have all their trust within us. There is reason I don't splatter all our letters everywhere. I do not believe our whole relationship should be able for everyone to be in. I believe in what I am doing and how I am going about it. If you can not handle your own feelings, do not try to take on an inmates feelings. Bagherra can not go to his neighbour and ask for advice, he can not scream out what he's feeling at the top of his lungs, NO ONE in Prison will care, but they will use his feelings against him. Allow someone to feel and let out what they want is a gift like no other. Yes sure he can write all of his thoughts down on paper, but truly would that help? I don't think so. Bagherra is surrounded by angry, cold hearted, and shut off men all day. It's nice to know that I give him a break from that, that I allow him to feel and not use it against him, or try to gamble with his feelings. Being there for someone is different than caring. I know when Bagherra wants me to touch on subjects and I know when he wants to me to have a simple reply. This comes with time. Learning sensitive subjects in his life is hard on both of us. It's hard to try to ignore these things and you can never look past them. The Bagherra I know is different from the Bagherra behind bars. In more or less words inmates live 2 lives, the ones they share with us and the ones they have behind bars.

 

Opening up to someone is always hard, cleaning out the skeletons in your closet is even harder to try to explain to someone. I have skeletons in my closet and just recently Bagherra and I begun to talk about it. I know what it's like to be afraid to be judged, to be looked down upon because of the choices I made in my past. Never once has Bagherra looked down on me, some people that were from my past he does look down on. However he knows that all those people made me who I am, he wouldn't want me to be someone I am not. Being honest with Bagherra comes easy, letting him know my deepest secrets I find hard. I find it hard to tell him my worst, however when I get the reply back I always ask why the fuck I was worked up about it in the first place. He's been gentle, kind and caring. I couldn't ask for more in life. You'd be surprised about the things that some of these inmates have seen. Sometimes people out here will look down on you about some of the decisions you have made, we must remember that these inmates have made their fair share of mistakes as well. They are not seeking forgiveness through their letters, but simply understanding. They want to prove to you they are not that person anymore. Giving them the chance to do that may change them more than we know. Giving them the opportunity to have someone to care, understand and never judge makes a difference in their lives. Being there for them opens their hearts to you. Many of these inmates have been holding everything in, which can not be easy in anyway. Give them a chance to write out what they are feelings, give them a chance to help themselves, and above all give them a chance to build an amazing friendship without judgment.   

Amanda Todd...

Before you read my post I ask you first to watch this video... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IyHX7wMJBY0 

 

I am completely disgusted that human beings are capable of this. This girl needed someone and instead we turned our backs on her and mocked her? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH KIDS THESE DAYS? It seems everywhere you turn another child is hurting themselves. It's not because of her looks that caused this attention it was because she spoke out about it. Many kids in her shoes wouldn't! The man who kept falling her with that photo of here boobs should be locked up. I wear a bracelet everyday that says I <3 motor boating (for breast cancer), we see ads everyday with boobs, so why should Amanda have been different? She showed her boobs in the 7th grade... GET OVER IT. She has a right to do what she wishes with her body. For those of you that think it's gross and made fun of her, one day you'll be an adult and you'll get over yourself, you'll come to realize how stupid your decisions were and how your hand helped her do what she did. No one should ever encourage suicide, nor be a part of it. Cyber bullying has gone too far and it makes me sick. It makes me sick to think my child, whom is an innocent baby girl, will grow up in a society that believes this kind of behaviour is okay, it's not! Before you start cussing me out cause your opinion is so awesome, SHUT THE FUCK UP, I'm a grown woman and I do not give a fuck about your opinion this is mine... You should be ashamed that your sticking up for a bully, you should be ashamed that your own parents allow this behavior and you should be ashamed that these thoughts are going through your own head.

 

I was raised by a belt and I respected those around me, why? Simply because I am a lady and I shall act like one. Yes, I did some stupid shit when I was a kid, who doesn't? No one ever mocked me nor pushed suicide on me, nor did they egg me on. I fought my way through school year after year, I was a bully. I'm ashamed to say that, however I knew when I had gone too far. I didn't come online and smack that person down, I used my fists and when that fight was over... IT WAS OVER... There was no seconds, nor thirds, no going online and beating that person down neither. The difference in generations is respect. This is for parents, when you allow your children to act like this you are telling them it is okay, even when it is not. Punishment is REQUIRED. I don't CARE if your afraid to punish your child or you don't want to look like the "bad guy", punishment is necessary if you want a respectful child, a child to grow to be proud of. I took my punishments, I fought them as hard as I could, but I got them. I didn't have a cell phone at age 8, they didn't even have proper cell phones back then. I got my first cell phone at 16 when I bought my damn own and paid my own bill! Stop thinking your doing your child a favor by letting them have all these privileges, your not doing any one any favors, your allowing your child to make stupid decisions. I'm so sick of parents saying "Oh she/he is a good kid, they would never participate in something like this" WAKE THE FUCK UP. This is the reality of it, we are blinded by love. Take a step back and monitor their cell use, look at out going pictures, most importantly TALK TO YOU KIDS ABOUT SENDING PHOTOS AND ABOUT BULLYING. The only way to stop this is to educate our children on the dangers of these subjects.

 

Bullying is more common now then I have ever seen it before. Things are forever changing, and it seems like the children are the ones responsible for that, and I believe that statement to be wrong. I believe bullying comes down to parents. I'm not saying your a bad parent but some parents don't communicate properly. I remember when I was younger I could tell me parents everything, sure I'd get beat, but I'm happy my parents cared enough to be involved in my business. If I needed help, they helped me any way they could. I had anger problems when I was younger, very serious anger problems. My step dad and I would get into fist fights and I didn't blame the kids at school I blamed everyone involved and instead of laying back and watching it erupt, my parents got me into counseling and they themselves went too. Yeah as a kid it felt like they were aiming it at me, but they weren't, they didn't understand what I was going through so they sent me to someone that did. I met a woman named Lena. This woman changed my life. I went to a group every Saturday and maybe I didn't see the change but I became a role model to kids younger than me, they begun to believe in themselves. I still remember my last day of counseling I was in tears because everyone said nothing but good things about me. It's the smallest things that impact ourselves and the big things that change them. As a parent we must be educated on the things to look for, if you even think your child is the aggressor or the victim INTERVENE... Stop it before it goes too far. What happened with Amanda went way too far. Her parents TRIED to make it better for her, but the kids wouldn't stop. Who is to blame them? The parents of the kids who were too stupid to look through their kids phones. What are you doing as parents to prevent sex at young ages? What are you doing as parents to educate your child about respect. If your kids can't even respect you how do you expect them to respect anyone else?

 

Now I may have crossed a line here, but again I don't care. In order to raise child we must remember what it was like to be a child ourselves. Things weren't always easy. Teasing is a part of life, but harassment shouldn't be. We must always instill our beliefs and our experiences into our children. As parents we are their biggest role models. We are the ones they look up to, if you are in a marriage that's abusive, or angry in any way that rubs off on your child. If we live good lives but ignore our children they will seek acceptance elsewhere. Always make time for your kids, I used to to go the movies with my mom once a month, just to spend time with her, just so she can make sure everything is okay with me. Do yourself a favor and spend time with your kids, influence them in the right direction. Be their best friend and their worst enemy. Be respected and don't settle for less. This story of Amanda breaks me down. It saddens me that this young girls live was ended by her own past. Yes, she made mistakes but look in the mirror! Have you ever made a mistake? Have you ever not felt accepted? Voice yourself. Get help. Be open with your parents. Live each day knowing that it will get better in time. Don't allow others to break you, you will only get as far as you want to go. Never settle for something you don't think is right and stand up for what you think is right. Never back down from something you believe in. Most importantly NEVER LOSE YOURSELF... You are who you are and believe it or not, one way or another a day will come where people will accept you. Being an adult is not easier than being a child, bills suck, but in all honesty we are not as judgemental as children. Children are vultures. Do not allow them to take kindness for weakness. Allow yourself to blossom just the way you are and never stop believing in yourself. We can not change the world, but we can change ourselves.

Letter Break Down (03/22/2012)

We spoke a lot about Bagherra before he was in Prison. All the things he can not change and it let me know more about the man he used to be. We talked about all his tattoo's that he wants, which I'm not too crazy about all the ideas and I voiced that, however I told him he's a grown man and can do what he wishes. In this letter he started to get curious about my story, my childhood etc. Quotes...

 

"Beautiful it’s great to see that you’re beginning to enjoy yourself, to have fun with your writing without having to over think the meaning of each and every word! I once wrote that is speaks highly of you that even though you’ve been through disappointments and hurt many times you do not feel a need to hold up a guard! And because of this I believe it’s given me the opportunity to truly get to know you and hopefully it’s an opportunity for you to be close to a man/friend without feeling the need to push him away."

 

I love that Bagherra won't ever bitch at me for being open to him, whether it's from a fight I've been in , or if I'm just feeling blah. I explain to him how I am feeling and why I am feeling that way. He has truly become the one person I always turn to, the one person I can lay all my worries on and he'll come at me with a joke about it. It makes me feel much better to know that he does pay attention. Most people will be okay to your face and then forget about it, or start nasty rumors, this is a part of life. Bagherra will give me space and a few letters later bring it up to see where I stand on the subject. I'm always second guessing if I should tell him things, but in the end I tell him anyway. We've never had a major argument and I refuse to fight with him over a letter. He knows my past, the things I've been through and why I am the person I am today. Many people pity me for my scares with cancer and others see me as an inspiration. I am neither. I am a woman who fought back and came out with everything I went in with. He acknowledges that the battle wasn't easy, but he doesn't simple pat my head and say "there, there". If we allow ourselves to be victims, that is the role we will always play. If we act like survivors we carry on with life and all of our pride.

 

"A home build of concrete feelings, with much patience, dedication, long hours of thoughtfulness and creativeness! A home build with joy by my hands and arms, through our strength build with care and love! Tinkerbell I will work from sun up to sun down, always through strong will, thinking of only your smile and Ariel!!!" 

 

He told me the letter before this he didn't know how to build a dream home, but he could build a dream home for me. I asked him to describe this home and this is the answer I got. I melt with these lines and may woman would see me as a fool for "falling for the game". You know not every convict plays games, your just too closed minded to see it like that. I've had a game ran on me and caught it in time. I will never send anyone money that asks for it. A gift yes, and I'm yet to send Bagherra a dime, not because I won't, because he will not allow it. It will instill an argument to remember. I sent him a book, and I remember him making me promise I would never send him anything else. However I told him I could not make this promise, not out of disrespect but because if he can not come across something and I don't want to wait I'll spend the money to have it sent to him. I was raised to give back to those who give to you. Bagherra gives me a new sense of joy. I am always thankful for his kind words and his support. Yes, I return those and don't need to buy him, but once in awhile a man needs to be spoilt too. There would be no difference if he was home neither. I do not believe in greed nor in the power of money. I believe in giving for a good cause, I believe in helping those who help you. You may not agree with that, and that's okay too. Your always going to do what is right for you, however think about the joy you could bring to someone with something as simple as a book for 8 dollars. That's minimum wage, that's an hours worth of work, simply to return a smile on someones face, if that's not worth it to you then I don't know what to tell you.

 

Bringing someone into your life is a difficult decision, especially with those of you that have children. Being comfortable is what makes or breaks a relationship, if you can not be comfortable around those you should then why are you around them? We look for excuses to not want to do things for people, but when we are in need we expect people to give to us. You will only get out of this life what you put in. If your not willing to put anything in, don't expect anything in return, people don't just hand things out to those who don't deserve it. Every year I do a fundraiser for Cervical Cancer. I raise money for people who can not afford the medication or the hospital bills. I give back to a cause that gave to me in a time of need. I do this with no strings attached. I don't expect them to give anything more to be, but instead I open my mail box to a girl of 16 that I helped with my donation, or my fund raiser and she thanks me. Words are the best gift someone can offer you. I've received a letter every year from the woman I help with my donations and I'm always grateful that I am giving them the opportunity to have what I have. My second time battling the cancer I was older and I remember being in the cancer ward of the hospital and a little girl names Isabella came and was talking to me. By this point I was ready to throw in the towel, I was ready for them to take my ovaries so this would all stop, I expressed this to a little girl and she took my hand and said to me "I may be young, but it's women like you that gives us hope, that gives us strength, if you give up why should I try?" A girl of 7 changed my whole life in one sentence. That's all it took. I begun to fight back, I lost all my hair and had nightmares for weeks, I was in constant pain and could barely move. But Isabella taught me a valuable lesson, there is always someone ready to hold your hand and push you forward. Bagherra is now my Isabella. No matter how tough things get I can put it all on him and let him hold my hand through it. Inmates aren't just "fun" or "exciting" they are people who learn to care for you. They are people who will never put you down or expect anything. I can't say they are all like this but a great majority of them are. They want to be there, to help us through things. So why not give back and help them in any way we can? Give back to those who give to you.

Letter Break Down (03/15/2012)

This letter was very short, two pages (front side only). I wrote him an unexpected letter that was short and sent a few photos. It seems like even with a small letter I find myself smiling and feeling giddy. It's been like that since the beginning. Okay let's get to the quote.

 

"Baby always bare in mind that you are truly important and your smile means the world to me. That our relationship is special in every way and as days go by I miss you more and more! As the night approaches I wish you were with me. You’ve been there for me and always remember that I’m here for you."

 

Maybe it's just me, but truly I don't feel any different because I'm in a relationship with a Prisoner. I don't feel like there's thousands of miles and many bars that separate us. I feel like I'm in a regular relationship, however I'm not dumb, I know where he is at and that is why I go to bed alone every night. Both of us were treading dangerous waters. We knew exactly where we were headed and had all the time in the world to stop it and we didn't. Sometimes things happen, things I, myself, can not explain. Look I'm no "groupie" or a girl who gets turned on by men like that. Bagherra is my one and only exception to a set of rules I made when beginning this journey. I always find myself going back through letters and seeing things now I couldn't see before. Maybe I didn't want to see the direction we were heading in, maybe it's because I wanted to see where this was going. I allowed this to happen because I was feeling the same as him. I would never allow myself to be put in a situation I couldn't handle. It may seem like in a way we spun out of control, when in reality we were on this roller coaster together. We never spun out, we just got lost and came out with each other rather than alone. I'm not weak for being with a man that is locked up, nor do I wish this loneliness on my worst enemy. The point of this quote, before I begun ranting, was that once a friendship is developed sometimes feelings follow. You go from turning someones day a bit brighter to being their light in the dark. You go from being a smile to a constant thought. If we allow ourselves to look past the crime, to look past the appearance we meet a human being. A human that is capable of loving someone, who is capable of being your light in the dark.

 

Now I am not promoting a relationship with a man behind bars, but if you feel that's the next step and your sure they feel the same way, what's stopping you? If you have valid reasons then yes, stop it. However if you currently fishing for options than it seems your more trying to find an excuse. It's either you want this or you know. You can go in with an iron fist and beat yourself down for hurting yourself, or you can go in open minded and see where it goes. I broke my only rule, to never fall for an inmate. I don't regret it, I don't feel foolish and I don't feel alone. I make my relationship work the only way I know how, we face things when they come to us. Both Bagherra and I  have never had a type of relationship like this before. It's new for us. It's exciting. I often stress if we are doing things right, but we are learning together. I don't know what our future holds, but I do know that I see Bagherra in it. I'm a smart girl, I know that 36 years - life means 36 years - life. I know that he could die in Prison. I'm not naive, nor stupid, but I do know there are options for these types of relationships to stay strong for as long as that. When you feel feelings developing always take a step back and look it all over. Ask yourself (if he's a lifer) could you imagine doing this for life? Do you want children? Do you want to feel secure in a mans arms at night? I asked myself all these question. I came up with one negative and a positive. It seemed the positive made more sense to me. Make sure they make sense to you to, whether bad or good you must do what's best for you in your life, it's better to hurt someone early on rather than longer down the road. Get out what you need to, explain it to them and your reasoning. Give them the chance to understand!

Letter Break Down (03/10/2012)

Bagherra let me know that he knows where I stand about having any type of relationship while he is in Prison (It was always a NO WAY for me). He let me know he would never pressure me to feel something I do not feel. Bagherra explained to me that he tries to disconnect Prison from our letters that in more or less words I'm better than that. Okay 2 quotes today...

 

"In little time with you I’ve learned what fighting for a good cause is truly about! You’ve given me the opportunity to open up my mind to a new world and you’ve cared enough to get to know me and not only the man in the picture on writeaprisoner.com. Your questions are always intriguing and full of life, as your replies to my letters full of warmth and care. Tinkerbell whether you see it or not to me you are more than just a friend."

 

This makes me thing of one thing. There will always be a reason why you meet people. Either you need them to change your life or you're the one that will change theirs. Bagherra and I both changed each other. He allowed me to take my time and build my own feelings and he did the same, but never did he rush me. Sometimes it's not what you say, but simply how you listen. The best gift you can give someone is to listen to what they have to say, not to over analyze it, but to simply listen. I also never keep Bagherra in the dark, sure I don't tell him every time some "vato" tries to "get at me", but if it's something serious I tell him. These inmates can handle it, yes, it may hurt them, but I truly believe it would hurt them more if you kept them in the dark and later down the road it's brought up. These people begin to care for us in different ways. In our case we begun to care and want more from one another. Bagherra rarely ever comes straight forward with his emotions, he know sin my past I've ran when men ask for relationships and/or tell me the "L" word. He listened, he learnt from what I told him. He took my feelings to heart and never used them against me. I can't to explain how much of a relief it is to have someone that truly understands me. It's an amazing thing to experience. It opens your eyes to something more. To see how others view me never mattered, but Bagherra always made it seem better than it was. He made me seem better than I am. He holds me high, and I couldn't ask for something better than that. When we open our mouths to talk we close our minds, when we open our ears to listen we begin to learn.

 

"I know that your encouragement comes from you wanting a little more joy in my life. However with my appeal still pending I’m going to play it out! If things don’t go my way it will be for me like getting sentence all over again and truly I do not know how I’m going to react! What will change in me! Or will I once again need time away from the outside world! Tinkerbell in this place it doesn’t matter if you’re surrounded by all you love ones loneliness is a part of this life style and it’s something that I must always bare in mind in order to be ready for anything that comes my way."

 

Quotes like these always make me a little sadder. I hate where he is at, however he has come to accept it. There truly is nothing else Bagherra can do. I want to get to a side subject here. These last few weeks I realize that the thing I respect most about Bagherra is his maturity! I'm so fed up with drama and it being everywhere I turn. At 25 I've come to realize not every word should be taken with anger. I've learnt that most people are not worth the time of day expressing myself, why? Why make matters worse when they need to work it out themselves. Bagherra is only 2 years older than I am Not quite 2 years yet, he was born late in the year), but he has a similar mind set. He has learnt to control his anger behind bars and when we got this bad news with the appeal he didn't push away, he pushed forward. He took it well and today we can push forward together to make this work. I knew that it would come down to giving him time to work it out before he let me know what he wanted. As we grow we learn what our limits are, we learn when to fight and when to hold out. He knew that I was fighting for him to allow his family to come visit with him, and he didn't want them to while he was housed where he was. This was drawn out for many letters. The end result? I got my way, with the help of a visiting hood rat, and he sent the forms to his Mother. This boy became a man in prison. We all grow and we all learn. We all fight for those we love and we never back down. I will fight tooth and nail for my man, I will fight for those I love. If you can't find a reason to fight, then the fight is not worth it.

 

I changed, I found something in him that I had not found in any one else. I found love. These were not my intentions when I begun writing, but life takes some crazy turns. Bagherra is always there for me, even if it's the dumbest thing, he still lets me know what he's thinking. Open communication is our success story, or a major part of it. At first we were both hesitant to answer each others questions, as we built communication and trust we begun answering more and more questions and touching up on old subjects. If you pen pal seems like they are holding back, it's probably because they are. Don't push them to tell you things, be patient with them. Today's word is patience. Without patience we'd all be in such a rush we wouldn't stop to take anything in. We rush too often to conclusion and we never take the time, nor have the patients to see things through. We must look at both sides of the door before we cross through. As a child we rush to be "grown" (remember maturity doesn't come with age it comes with experiences and hard work), then when we are "grown" we act like children because we didn't have the patients to enjoy being a child. We allow others to ruin our day because we are too impatient to judge someone by who they are not the mistakes they made. Adopt the pace of nature: her secret is patience. For anything worth having one must pay the price; and the price is always work, patience, love, self-sacrifice - no paper currency, no promises to pay, but the gold of real service.

Letter Break Down (02/26/2012)

Okay this one will be quick, it was a small letter. The letter before this he asked me to tell him a deep dark secret and I told him something no one knows about me. It had him in shock to say the least, now it wasn't nasty nor sexual driven. We also talked about how for the last 6 years he had served his time. Every letter he wrote in the early days always left me wanting more. Okay onto the quotes... Again only 2.

 

"Tinkerbell from the beginning Ariel being only six months old, your petiteness and career choice were alluring to me. After hearing from you the second time I was certain that you were different from every other woman who had passed through my life. I instantly felt in love with your conversation! The ease in which you expressed your self and the will in your personality!!! Today I know that you’re much more than a pretty face! You’re a special woman with an amazing lovely daughter for which I can only be thankful for having the two of you in my life."

 

Changing a persons life is a huge part of letter writing. We often forget the reasons we write. These are people we can share everything with, someone who will never judge us and they are someone that can turn our worst days into our best days. Sometimes it only takes one line for us to change ourselves. We will never be judged by these inmates, they have made their own mistakes and know what it's like to just be judged on one mistake. Often times this one mistake will cost them many years lost. Patients is a huge thing for them in Prison, time doesn't move from them like it does out here. It's much different in their world. So we open our world to them. In a way we allow them to live through us. Now, that may sound crazy, but let me break it down. These inmates have had their freedom taken, they can only do things if someone says they can. By simply telling them how our day was or even something as small as our favorite TV show can change how they look at things. They have all day to think of things to say, where we are limited for time between a job, child, and life really. Many people think because inmate have all the time in the world to think of things to say they must be running a game of some sort. This is not true. Many inmates do hold jobs in prison, they work out, they listen to music, they watch TV, and the list could go on. A letter is an escape from their reality. They only know of what you tell them about yourself, they judge just on that. They often times analyze and know you better than they think. It's not a bad thing that they do this. They have something to look forward to, something to allow them to escape. I allowed Bagherra to let these feelings get to this point and I was basking in it so to speak. I'm not special in any way, except maybe to my family, but in his life I am. Everyone has a type and often times they find their type in pen pals, not every one but some. They are picky just like we are and they do find some woman more attractive to others. Just because they are in Prison doesn't mean they lower standards or fall for the first face they see.

 

"Tinkerbell I’m a gang member, a criminal yet I don’t consider myself a bad person. However I’m far from a great guy!!!! Love is complicated. It’s something that you can’t see yet you simply know that it holds true beauty. It’s a feeling that at times you can’t express but you simply feel it’s touch. Love is an experience, a journey, and even an illusion however it’s a beautiful part of growing up! It’s one of the many risk in life truly worth take! But it takes two to find true love, because love can also be harsh! It builds a person and as easily can also break them down… love is complicated…."

 

I asked Bagherra what love means to him, and this was his answer. Although he's been locked up awhile he still remembers what puppy love was, he is a man of many faces. He's a gang member, a criminal, a sweet and caring guy. He's also a man who allows his feelings to be known and isn't afraid of talking about love. He feels emotions and he doesn't deny this. He has sad eyes, but they are kind eyes, as in his appearance may make you think one thing, but his eyes are kind. This is what I knew when I saw him, I also met another woman who wanted to write to him and she thought the same thing. I was right, he is kind and very gentle. Although he holds a "tuff guy reputation" as he says, I know different. They are not robots nor are they the same, some will open up and some will not. The point I'm trying to make is Bagherra told me what love was to him, he didn't hold back. He has "no shame in his ways" and he's a man that knows how to hold a conversation from Football to Love. His letters show me how diverse he is and that any subject is open to him.

 

Many people don't want to admit that they write to convicts for fear of what everyone thinks of these inmates, but it's not what everyone else thinks, it's what you think. In the end that's all that matters. We don't hear enough success stories sure there is enough of us who write blogs (even then I'm not sure there is enough), but know when choosing a pen pal to choose someone you can picture yourself writing to. Don't think "oh he's cute let's write", that's a bad choice. Writing goes beyond looks cause truly you'll never get the chance to look at them, some way want to call you, which is your decision as well, some way want you to visit, but in reality all your doing is writing a letter. It won't kill you to write someone that is in need of mail and is a little sore on the eyes. I'm one to speak, however now if I look, that's where I find pen pals. Although I rarely write (I've written 3 so far, and only write 2 today, and only time will tell if the one that isn't Bagherra will stick around) to anyone, I do try to see if there is someone I can write to that may be in need of someone that needs some mail that doesn't have anyone. Site with pen pal ads ARE NOT DATING SITES, they are to bring some company to someone. Don't write with the wrong intentions, make sure you can make the commitment, and always be aware of what their intentions are. Most important thing is that you are aware of your own intentions before you begin writing, never go in blind. Blinding lights lead to awkward situations. I will remind you one more time these inmates are not games and neither are you. Don't settle for less than what you deserve.

Letter Break Down (02/23/2012)

I'm off the walls about the letters I've been lacking and I've been slow on posting... So I'll try to make up for it now. Let's get to the break down before the quotes and my never ending ranting... We spoke about how many people (especially those on the outside with family/lovers on the inside) tend to exaggerate how they think inmates are being treated. My man is housed in the most disgusting unit there is and had very few privileges. He minimizes it and tells me he's not doing it, but in a way it helps. He let me in more of his family and their history. By this point Bagherra and I were truly getting to know one another. Our trust for one another was fully developed and we allowed each other to let go with no fears, not holding anything back. I only have 2 quotes today...

 

"Tinkerbell in you last letter you asked if given the opportunity to visit anywhere at this moment I’ll visit you! I’ll love to find out what is between us! Would you truly be interested in a man like me if I were free! Could I truly make you smile and blush and would we stand together even though nobody else believes? However on my way back I’ll be stopping in (I'll leave this part out for his family) to visit my family and share with my mother either my joy or sadness!"

 

Ever letter we dedicate a section to answering questions. This answer was maybe what I was looking for when I asked the question. Being sensitive is no weakness, at least not in my eyes. The course of our letters changed, and as you can see each letter got a little more intense. If you write to someone and doesn't want these types of conversation, I will give you some advice, when you begin to see the conversation change then stop your pen pal and express you don't want this. For those of you that do, don't rush. Never rush something. Half the excitement of this was watching it all build up and as I go back through my letters I feel it all over again. Falling in love is the best emotion you can feel. This is what makes the hard parts of this relationship worth it. It's not about feeling "good" or having a "sexual" driven relationship, it's about being honest with one another, truly saying how you are feeling. I knew at that point that if he was to come knocking at my door I would gladly open it with a smile on my face and welcome him in. We all feel some sort of attachment to our pen pals behind bars. Some are just friends you feel close to that you can tell anything to, and others mean so much more to us. I truly believe these types of relationships are if you believe you can do this or not. Some people stand against it and aren't open minded to it. Now there is a quote in the quote I want to briefly touch on. Bagherra said "and would we stand together even though nobody else believes?", it's amazing how many people are stuck on stupid. Yes, my man have may gang tattoos, including under his eye and on the back of his head, SO WHAT? Does that mean he can't feel like the rest of us? Does that mean we need to feel "sorry" for him or be scared? No it doesn't it means he was a boy at some point in his life and ended up running with a gang. So is he still a boy running with a gang? No he's now a man with a family that wants nothing more than to see this work out for the both of us, to have a life together, or as he said "see what's really between us". At this point we were still hesitant on what we should do from here and where we should go. We took our time deciding, which is why I believe this works so well.

 

"You didn’t take me for a crazy man for falling in love with Ariel but simply understood me and for that alone I will always be grateful!!!!!!!!!!"

 

I knew Bagherra always had an attachment to Ariel, since the very beginning. It's amazing how much such a small person can effect someones life. Let's face it, a child is the most innocent being on this planet. Life happens so fast that sometimes we forget to stop and look at the most important things, my daughter changed my life when I had her, the same thing happened with Bagherra. I don't think it's crazy for him to feel love for a child, even if it's my child. From that day on she was no longer just mine. Ariel was his too. I felt comfortable enough to share not only my life with him, but hers as well. I don't want to touch on this subject too much, but I will say this. Parenting from Prison is no joke. Thousands of inmates do it everyday. Some never did have children and regret it. Children can be a touchy subject, never hold back, let it all go. Although they may not claim them like Bagherra did, they will understand that a child is not something to joke about, nor share with anyone else. He doesn't share her, and rarely shares me with anyone. We must remember that Prison is still a Shark Tank. Something as little as a girlfriend or a child can set off a feud that could end someones life. We allow inmates into our lives to help them forget about their surrounds, for many we are second chances to hold a normal life.

 

Everyone has an agenda in life. My agenda before Bagherra was to focus on raising Ariel alone, to make it easier on me I decided not to date. I didn't want to date because after my ex I was turned away from it. It's amazing how many men run scared when you have a baby, even when your married! Not all people are cut out to be parents, nor are they perfect parents. I stand up for the men and women behind bars that still parent. It's difficult to say the least. How would you feel if you had to watch your child grow through photos? Would you be comfortable with sharing your child with an inmate? If you're not opened minded, please keep in mind many of these inmates are parents themselves, that they know the love you have for your child. It's not always as it seems. Some inmates I wouldn't trust with my daughter, but I am okay with letting them know I have a child. Bagherra is the only inmate I will ever send a photo of her to. I don't believe just because I share that information with them that they should be able to share all my joy with me, so I keep the photos and her activities to myself. With Bagherra it felt different, it felt right. Everyone has lines, and borders, many don't allow people to cross that and it's okay to be like that. I've never had a pen pal as long as I have with Bagherra. I can't say I wouldn't open up after so long with them, but I still couldn't see myself sending a photo of Ariel to them.Always keep an open mind when writing to some one and go with your gut instinct. Don't do anything you are not feeling comfortable with. Always have some plan of action if something does arise. They will understand do know what the word no means. Inmates aren't bad people, they do have a sense of reality and they do know that people have limits and breaking points. Don't turn away from something so stupid. Turn away if they don't stop and your not comfortable anymore.  

Letter Breakdown (02/12/2012)

Within this letter he opened up more about his family, we spoke about an author we both have read, Edward Bunker, whom himself was a convict and he wrote about his adventures as one and how he survived both on the inside and after his release. His sense of humor defiantly showed in this letter. I always find myself feeling through these letters. There defiantly was a bond we had discovered between the two of us by this point. I have two quotes today, however one is much longer than the other so I will be doing them out of order that they appeared on the letter.

 

"I’m crazy about you! When a man in prison talks to himself, smiles for no reason and begins to see a woman as soon as he closes his eyes that can only mean one thing he’s going crazy! Crazy about you!"

 

I find this quote rather adorable. Men/women in prison do have all day to come up with things to say, however I do believe they mean every word that they speak. Out here any woman would fall for this line, it's both smooth and sweet. In my case it gave me butterflies. I knew things were changing and for once in my life I just went with it without trying to control the situation. You'll find after a few letters that many of these inmates will show another side of them, a softer side. Remember they live in a place where kindness is a weakness and sensitivities are all but unheard of. They have CO's telling them when they can eat, when they can turn out the lights (in Bagherra's case the lights never go out), and someone to tell them when they can go outside. I truly believe if you are too aggressive with inmate you'll find yourself unwanted and your letters dull. We must open our hearts and minds to these inmates to develop a proper and supportive relationship (always remember when I say relationship I mean both friendship and intimate relationships). We spend so much time judging people by the cover and not giving second chances, it's about time we did. We live in a world where inmates are labeled as the "trash" of society. No one bothers to see the people they really are. They are emotional beings too. They have baggage like the rest of us. We all have problems, no one in this world is perfect. No one ever will be. So don't pretend like you are better than an inmate, yes, we made better life choices but are we better as people because someone tells us we are? Or when it comes down to it are they just as capable as us?

 

"Not too long ago I caught parts and pieces of a program where they discussed this syndrome you mentioned in your letter. Being that I’m incarcerated I should be defending all the loco ese’s in the penitentiaries and even though that 40% or so of marriages with prisoners do work out or at least do last the feelings grow true I disagree with them!!! Realistically speaking what could a man offer his wife and child from in prison! I had the opportunity to get married when I first came to prison and she thought that I decided not to because I was scared of commitment! There is no such thing as a perfect man especially not here! There is a whole lot of people out there who stand against these types of relationships and marriages! For which you will always hear negativity! If a woman is beautiful and intelligent she’ll hear “but you can do so much better – you deserve more!!!” and if a woman is not so bless! She will hear his only using and taking advantage of you! I believe that is the intentions are sincere this type of marriage can work only with much patience, mental toughness, and understanding each others limits! It’s something that needs a such a strong willingness."

 

From the beginning Bagherra and I both stood against any type of relationship besides friendship. That's all we could offer each other, or so we thought. He breaks it down simple, this type of relationship is not full of rainbows, butterflies and pots of gold. It's full of pain, hurt and suffering. I don't know how or why any of us do this, but some how we do. Society does not understand the why either. It's a feeling you can not describe. A loneliness that is constant and a thought that lifts you so high you feel as though nothing could bring you down. It's a drug of it's own. It's love, plain and simple. I've always told Bagherra, love makes you do some crazy shxt. I still stand by that today. Love have brought us together and love have carried us to this point. The syndrome I am talking about is The Stockholm Syndrome. If you don't know what it is I'll provide a link so you can look it up yourself... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stockholm_syndrome . They use the term loosely, relationship with a prisoner falls in line with traumatic bonding, where you fall fast and hard, there is also the unavailable aspect of it. Many women and men think it's a "turn on" to be with a man or woman they can not physically have. For those who still do not get it, google Elizabeth Smart. She was held captive by a man and his wife and didn't run away, she formed a type of bond with her captures and felt devoted to them. Now I should be doing what Bagherra said he should be doing and sticking up for people like me. However not all of us are alike. Some of us do have hidden agendas and the only person who hurts in the end is the inmate you play your game on. Let me tell you now... INMATES ARE NOT A GAME, NOR ARE THEY TOYS!!! They are people with feelings and emotions. They form bonds with us and let us in on their lives, do not play them for a fool. Now, some inmates do play this game and I'm sure none will have the chance to read this but I will say to them "Stop taking advantage of woman or men who give you attention, there is more to life, you got yourself in this mess and you can damn well get yourself out". If something doesn't seem right than it probably isn't. Love is very blindly so take in what everyone says, it doesn't mean you have to stand up tall and fight them all off or to even take their advice. They love you and do not want to see you get hurt. Which brings me back to they point of ASKING QUESTIONS when you start to think about being involved. Make sure nothing sounds off to you, or that your not rushing too fast, let the feelings develop and take your time deciding what you do next. Time will never stand still, but for such a huge decision time will be your best friend or worst enemy.

 

I'm not one for living in a world in my head. I'm not delusional. I understand that Bagherra could spend the rest of his natural life in Prison. I've had a year to deal with this and some way, some how I've found peace with that. Not just because there is still hope. Not just because I love him. It goes beyond that. The word today is CAPABLE. He is capable of taking care of his family from where he is. He is capable of loving with all his heart. He is capable to be patient with me and see this through. All of us are capable of something. We all have some purpose and dreams we want to achieve. I am no different. Yes, my biggest dream is for Bagherra to come home, however my life will move forward. Him and I are capable of seeing this through with both of our lives still moving forward. It takes some time to adjust and to explain to everyone why you no longer date or allow men to hit on you. Eventually you'll weed those out who are a negative influence (all but your family of course), and you'll find something that works for you. Being capable is realistic. We all have something in us somewhere that gets us going, that moves us even when we don't want to. We are determined to be better and to do better. Inmates are as equally capable. They raise families successfully, they bond with friends and lovers and they grow themselves. They get better. Prison walls doesn't not make them less capable, it does break them in certain places, but they rarely ever break completely. Help an inmate reach what they are capable of. You'll be amazed to find they are not so different than you and I.

Letter Break Down (02/06/2012)

Bagherra is in a Prison in a Prison, if this doesn't make sense to you figure it out. He's on lock down 23 hours a day, he hasn't felt the sun in 3 years and everyday is a fight to keep sane. This letter we focused on how he does that. On what keeps in going day to day. We talked about giving back to the community and of course Ariel. We also touched on the people that stood against him and I corresponding. I have 3 quotes today.

 

"I’ve been doing time since I was a kid fighting and writing have always been my way of expressing myself. Getting to know someone through pen and paper it is not new to me in fact I truly believe is the easiest, fastest, and safest way to feel and see who a person truly is! However not everybody seems to think this way. Nor are they willing to give themselves an opportunity or to see beyond what the next person might say!"

 

Many inmates have been doing the snail mail routine for years. People coming in and our of their lives. I could only imagine how hard it is on them to lose someone close to them after so long and have to pick up the pieces. Some pen pals of these inmates stop writing for many reasons. All I can say is to those who choose to write make sure you have the time to make the commitment. Yes, life does move forward and life does get busy, explain it to those you write to, don't just drop off the map and leave them wondering. They have enough to deal with on the inside and don't need to worry about the dreaded answer "WHY?". Bagherra is real in his writing. He knows that this life is not for everyone. That picking up pen and paper is not always a blessing, sometimes it's a curse. Many people don't start writing with a clear mind, they let others impact their decisions on how they see writing should work. You can not generalize everyone or control every situation, you must do what's best for you. Too many times I've seen people fight about the dumbest things and some people have too much voice and not enough evidence to support their claims. I've been on various forums and saw some fights right in front of me. Let me let you in on something, not everyone will get along, nor see why we write or even why we fall in love. Some older woman who have been doing this longer may come off as "snippy, rude or unsupportative", however they are truly trying to warn you of the difficulties and the things you may face. At the end of the day do what's right for you, everything we do in life is a lesson, we grow and learn from our mistakes, it's human nature. Do not let anyone else impact your decision.

 

"Beautiful our conversation has changed! The funny is that neither you nor I were expecting something like this! It’s funny that we tend to over look all the small things in life to come to realize that a few words written on paper can mean so much! Bring a smile and a little peace of mind all at the same time!!! Funny is how we met and that with you I feel like a nerd – a nerd with a huge crush on the most gorgeous, sexy, and popular girl in school. On the other hand it’s strange that I feel this is meant to be!"

 

I don't know why this quote... But I always feel attached when I read it, yes I go back and re-read his letters when I get down about not getting a new one. Get over it, I'm a sappy person. Do I need to post any more proof of how much we impact an inmate by doing such a same thing like writing a letter? Allowing someone into our lives and showing them not everything in their life is bad. Everything happens in life for a reason, I can't tell you what the reason is for Bagherra and I to meet, but it happened and now were stuck with each other. Getting emotionally involved with anyone is a very easy, simple thing, getting emotionally involved with an inmate is very easy and simple as well, however it is much harder. You can not express how you are saying the words when you write, you can only imagine it in your head. Many times letters are misinterpreted because of language barriers and not being able to express sarcasm. We must always be clear on what we are saying so that the only way to interpret our writing is by knowing, eventually your pal or loved on will understand you enough that you will not have to do this anymore. Bagherra knows when I'm joking, he knows when I'm serious and he knows when I'm being stubborn and throwing things at him in my head. He even knows which part of the letters I love most, when I laugh, when I blush and when I get sad. Remember I don't tell him these things, however he took the time to get to know me well enough to know when I am feeling these things and when I am not. We don't have to break down or over analyze everything we say to one another, in time we just got to know what is what and how it all works. In him I have someone I can be myself around, no matter how loca, or emotional I get. He understand all these emotions. It takes time to build a friendship or a relationship with an inmate like this. Keep in mind that they are taught in Prison to trust no one, so if at first you don't feel a level of trust it's because you haven't built a trust with them all the way. Give it time and be patient.

 

"It’s strange that we came form opposite backgrounds with very different life struggles and experiences yet we understand one another even more than what I think we know and understand ourselves."  

 

I stress the point of giving people chances. I came from a good background, never had to worry about anything. I grew up with money to say the least, but it was far from normal. Bagherra wasn't like that. He had his struggles when growing up and he knows it. He doesn't materialize how he grew up, he doesn't blame his parents, he doesn't blame his incarceration today on that. He knows he could have done better, but fact is he didn't. We never let that barrier come between us. We just simply understood one another and never judged upon how we were brought up nor the life choices we made. We came in with no prior background of one another and we simply started our a chapter of our own book. We never compare our lives, rather we joined our lives together. I don't care if your rich or poor you must be open minded when starting a friendship with an inmate. Some of the upbringings and life struggles are hard to cope with. Some inmates have had a nightmare of a childhood. They tell you about it because they know you would want to know, they are not looking for your pity but rather your understanding. Even if you've had it rough growing up let them know. Bagherra has an amazing family who stands by his side, not all inmates have this type of support. It helps to know how far you've come to get to where your at. It's amazing how so little can truly make you feel like a better person, how you help someone who may have never had support like this before.

 

The inmates that we choose to allow in our lives can open our eyes to a whole different side of the world. Some of us may have been sheltered, some of us may have not. We truly can not understand how the world works if we can not look past our own lives. We must allow for other people from different backgrounds become a part of our lives, they can teach us so much about things we've never known. Inmates are inspiring to say the least. They rarely ever blame their mistakes on anyone except themselves. We must always keep in mind that there are innocent men/women in Prison. The system in the US does fail. At times they are also unjust. Far too many young men and women pay with their lives for foolish mistakes. Give them a second chance to prove they are not the monster the system paints them out to be. Don't be afraid to get to know someone. Please always remember you are writing to a person not a crime. Many woman write blogs about their experience with inmates. I know of one in particular http://lookingforthecabinbythelake.blogspot.com/ she like me is in a relationship, actually she's married to her pen pal. She gives great insight on what it's like for an older woman in a different country to be married to an American inmate. She's a great source of hope for younger women like me who are still in the very early stages of our relationships. Do not judge us all alike, we all have our own story to tell.  

Letter Breakdown (01/25/2012)

Let's sum it up... We spoke about his surroundings and how he would cope if he was freed. We touched more on my relationships with my loved ones and of course about our ever growing daughter who was beginning to walk and take hard falls! Watching his daughter grow through pictures is very hard on him and I try every letter to let him know what's going on. I have three quotes... Let's begin.

"Tinkerbell in your latest letter you wrote “any boy can make a baby but it takes a man to raise a child” and I believe it takes a “super mom” courageous and special woman to be both mommy and daddy for her child."

It's always touching when a man who knows a bit of what I'm going through encourages my situation. My situation is far from normal, it's a bit crazy. I will not get into it, but to know that he sees how hard it is on me at times, and how hard I try to keep it together means the world to me. Being a single parent is not glamorous, nor sexy. It's hard work. It's devoting all your time to a little puking pooping machine, but at the end of the day I go to bed happy. To have someone in my corner whispering inspiration in my ears is the most amazing thing. This brings me to why this quote... Many man/women who are locked up have children of their own. They still do parent from Prison. It's much more complicated then having both parents free, but we find a way to do this. Never think to hide your life from a convict, believe it or not they will understand what you are going through. They are not aliens from outer space, they are people who function, breath and eat. They still know what it's like to go through hardship and to push forward. We may not know what it's like to be incarcerated, but they know what it's like to be free, after all they weren't born in Prison. Many men didn't have the chance to be fathers so little ones are a big deal for them. Our letters in the beginning did focus on Ariel, and to this day there is always a section of our letters dedicated to her and her up bringing. We do parent like this, through letters. I do take advice and use it in my everyday. It's a blessing to have someone to support me like this.

"To be honest with you I was very hesitant about this website but today I believe it’s been truly worth it for me!!!! I hope you feel the same way."

Bagherra has a way with words, there is no denying this. Not all woman who choose to write pen pals in Prison are sane, this is true fact. Some women write the most nasty things in the first letter and roll with it, some men love that, some don't. Most of these men come to find someone to talk to. Someone to share experience's with and to have a positive impact on them. Through this website I found Bagherra. I am still so thankful for that, and I always will be. I was hesitant on writing anyone at first, I wasn't sure I could handle a friendship like this or be a proper support system for someone. I chose to write to I.M, that turned out a damn mess, my old pen pal and I were ready to kill each other and seeing he was already in for Capital Murder I would have lost that fight, but I was shocked at this site for allowing such greedy men to post. How was the site supposed to know that he was running a game, some women do fall for these games. BE CAREFUL. Always pay attention, if it sounds strange or he demands money chances are your not both in this for the same thing. I went back on and decided to have a look at other ads and I came across Bagherra. Another blog explains all of this so I won't repeat myself. There is so much proof out there at how successful these relationships have been (I'm not talking romantic relationships either). Many men are so grateful for these women who write. Sites like www.writeaprisoner.com are designed to help the inmate serving life down to the inmate who may need help finding housing upon release and everything in between. You would have thousands of ads to choose from and find someone right for you. You never know how much joy you can bring a person until you open your mailbox to them. Many of these men/women don't get mail for the outside.

 

"Sweetie I’m glad to hear you do feel comfortable expressing yourself through this pen and paper! That you believe in this friendship and that youre willing to share with me your feelings. Tinkerbell if I feel attached to you it has nothing to do with prison! As you already know I’ve heard from many girls through this site and even though I only write a couple those conversations are nothing compared to what you and I share. You’re special and it is you who should be in prison for stealing my thoughts."

 

I love the very last line of this quote. I'm smiling so big right now. Feelings are a part of existent. We feel because that's what we know to do. Feeling allows us to realize we are still alive. Prison sucks the life out of many men/women. I like to think I brought Bagherra some life. That I helped him see a light in such a dark place. I instantly felt comfortable with him, I felt I could tell him everything right now to my deep dark secrets. This is a good thing, being open can only escalate friendships, or in my case relationships. Trust, honesty and love are what keep any type of relationship, friends or more, alive out here. It works the same with inmates. I knew Bagherra wrote to other women, but it didn't bother me, which I found crazy of me cause I'm a stupidly jealous person. I realized that I can try to hide the world from him, but he'd resent me for it. So if you loved one is locked up and you freak because women/men write to them, fall back a minute and look around. Ask yourself "Do I have friends?" the answer should be yes, if not I'm not sure where you go from here, but think of it like this. If they were out right now would you keep them chained in the closet and feed them scraps? No, you wouldn't. So writing people is just like calling them or going to hang out with them. You can not cause a fight because they write to other people. If you do not trust them then that's on you. Some men/woman do date in Prison just as we do out here, that's them, if you don't like it don't get involved. Friendships are needed in life period. Yes we all have family but would you walk up to your mother and tell her all the bad parts of your life? I know I don't. For all the men/women who have a friendship and you don't want it to twist up or get broken don't try to stop them from writing others. Let them be them, worry about what you are investing and if you find yourself with feelings you should go on and tell them that you have so you both can talk it out accordingly. Point being not all inmates find a physical or mental attraction to who they write to. It's just like out here we have friends and we have people we date. It's not a big deal for an inmate to write to others or to develop feelings, it's a process of life in general.

 

My feelings developed fast and I felt an instant attachment to Bagherra. His words and knowledge are defiantly up there. He is not a man to play games like we are in high school and he's not one to be a liar. He's honest, down to earth and caring (yes, I know I sound repetitive, I don't give a shit this is my blog). If you take a chance on an inmate remember that feelings do develop, a bond is formed and it can go either way. I fed into it because I felt the same. If you do not feel the same take a step back. Read what others may have gone through, or what they may have said to keep the relationship platonic. If you don't write an inmate and you think we are all crazy you are generalizing a whole bunch of people. We are not crazy, I mean we are human we all have a snap or two, but for the most part we are normal average people. We do carry on a regular life outside of our letters and we do raise families and go on to be old just like you. Were not so different, we just aren't afraid to take the chance. You shouldn't be either. Getting to know someone through pen and paper is easy, fast and safe. It can really change your out look on those that are locked up.