Letter Breakdown (06/18/2012)

I wont share much about this letter besides the fact it was very personal. It was all about our relationships with our family and this sentence he is serving. We were still sorting everything with our relationship out. There is also a song dedication - 'I Want To Know' by Joe. I have 3 quotes:

'I care for you more than I've ever cared for any other woman in my life for which u needed for you to hear from me how difficult this relationship will be! Hermosa I wanted for you to truly understand and fully think things through especially me not having a release date!'

Life is a long time to wait... It's also a long time to hope someone gets released on an appeal or and over turn. Laws do change and some people get lucky. Not all inmates do. This is a reality I must face. I can not pretend like all my hopes and wishes are going to come true. When entering into this relationship I knew what was going on and I took it all into account. This is where stability comes in. If you choose a life like this chances are if you want children and a beautiful life, this life many not be for you. If you need constant attention, this life may not be for you and if you are foolish enough to believe you'll single handily get them out of prison, this life is not for you. Taking your time is not a bad thing, not jumping right in is not a bad thing either and if you do not think you can handle this type of relationship than don't feel pressured to be. In the end you have to realize what you want and sometimes that means hurting someone you love. Time is your worst enemy and your best friend in a situation like this. Value the time you have and make the best of it all while knowing what's going on around you and being aware of the full circumstances.

'One way or the other for years now I've been living with hurt, uncertainty and doubt! Asking myself if I will ever leave this prison.'

I couldn't imagine living with these thoughts or having this as my reality. Life is prison is no joke. There are so many things that could happen. Life can be ended short, they could lose their mind, and they could completely shut down. It would truly be a life of solitude. You'd never have a real friend or a shoulder to lean on. Bagherra doesn't live an exciting life at all, it's very routine and plain. He has a tv and one hour a day (if they allow it) in a concrete block where the sun never reaches him. It's always bothered me that he lives like this, I never like to complain about my life, because I know he has it much worse. He always tells me that he will never complain about where he is because he made the choices that got him there, however not all inmates are like this. Some inmates are still angry, they are mad at the world and pissed off about their circumstances, in truth who can blame them. One thing I've learnt about the justice system is that there are many injustices that happens through trial and in prison. As I've said before the inmates have very little control, they have just basics and have to spend a small fortune on extra things. Living a life in solitary is hard, there is only so much you can do everyday. Working out, watching tv, writing, drawing and reading seem to be at the top of the list for what they can do. Some take things to escape the reality, some better themselves and take classes, and others drown in self pity. The pain must truly be unbearable. Always try to brighten the inmates day with a joke or a funny photo. The littlest things make the biggest difference.

'Bambina regarding the negative comments on the website everything in some cases is true with the only exception being that stupid and foolish are those who are too am scared to live because they are too worry of what the next person may think!! Stupid and foolish is to be driven away from one you love simply because its too hard to understand!!! Stupid and foolish is a man and a woman who are willing to go through so much struggle for the wrong reasons...'

I use a website to talk about things and about my relationship. I've had both positive and negative experiences, and the experiences weren't always about my relationship, some women are just simply stupid and pathetic, in turn which is why us who choose this life have such a bad rep. Some woman I've spoken with have hit the pavement running when feelings come up, other woman's planted feet down and jumped in and in some few instances some woman said if things didn't turn out the way they wanted they'd try with their inmate then. When deciding whether to be in this type of relationship or not we found ourselves leaning on our friends and family because our loved one is not there to lean on. Not many people are positive about this type of relationship and some people will turn away and not go with what they truly feel because they are afraid of what some people will think. I've talked about this before too, I always talk about happiness and things like that. Today I'll talk about something different. I'm going to talk about influence. Sometimes in life we allow other people to influence so much we believe the bullshit they send our way because it makes more sense than the truth. At times we deny the truth because its too hard to bare and we make foolish mistakes because we believe other people. I've done this before and I've paid for it. We all probably have. Don't be afraid to go against what others believe, in the end it's what you believe in and what you want to fight for. Others will never love your relationship, only you will. We all fight to keep things in life that we see as worth it. It's what makes us individuals. We can all think for ourselves, make sure you always remember that.

All letters seem to be serious and intimate in there own way. Some letters I can't stop laughing, some letters I can't stop crying and letters like these I can't stop thinking. That's what I live most about Bagherra, he may seem like the cute and cuddly type, yet I know somewhere inside of him is a man who uses his head and thinks things trough. He's made mistakes and he is not one to not admit it. He leaves all his feelings and all his insight on the page. I never second guess what he says. There was a time that I did and in truth I listened to someone else and as much as I defended Bagherra I knew a part of it all was not right. Yet, the person who told me I've later come to find out is truly a very odd woman. I've cut ties with her and realized that I made a bigger mess by sharing everything with her. I don't regret that, I learnt a lot of people's true intentions that day and how miserable people love company. I can't begin to stress the point that if you are happy, simply just be happy!! Know yourself better than you know others, focus on yourself rather than other people, and above all else trust your own opinion over other people's opinion. Your life can only go the way you want, it's true we can not plan it perfectly, but we can achieve only what we allow ourselves to. We are stronger than us ourselves think and we can handle only what we allow to effect us. People who truly love you will worry for you, yet they will not try to distort the image of the person who makes you happy, they will always stand by your side. Now, keep in mind I'm talking about a non-abusive relationship. Grab your happiness and run as fast as you can towards it!!

'Think twice before you speak, because your words and influence will plant the seed of either success or failure in the mind of another.'

-Napoleon Hill

Letter Breakdown (06/17/2012)

A quick run down of the letter. It was a longer one about Bagherra coming off the website and of our family. We always speak about what we would want and how we vision out life to be if he was free today. A lot of our letters focus on Ariel's upbringing. I do go to Bagherra for advice and in most cases we reach a conclusion that we both can agree on. I have 2 quotes:

'Theres truly nothing to enjoy about prison but like everything in life once you're already living in a harsh situation and there is truly no way out of it you adapt and try to make the best of it!'

I asked Bagherra if he enjoys anything about prison. The answer was going to sleep. It's how he escapes his reality. I didn't post his full answer because it truly was personal, however the first bit of it gave me an insight on how he views his surroundings. I believe one of Bagherra's biggest strength is how he adapts, how he separates his life in there and his life out here. He never gets angry for no reason and never rambles on about his clear mistreatment. He never blames others or pries at someone's personal life. For the most part he has no trust for anyone, yet finds a way to live in a world with them and get along with them. Us out here will never understand that mentality. Sure we out a smile on for those we don't like at work, or wherever it may be, yet we truly do get to escape it. We go home and relax, put our guard down and think of other things. In prison there is no escape you are struck there with those people for long periods of time. This is why trust is so important to inmates, this is why you will never have a healthy friendship or relationship without it. Trust is very hard to gain, yet so easy to lose. Being open and sharing bad things isn't a weakness it's tell the person you trust them enough that they need to know these things. I rarely bring up others in my life in my letters, I rarely let Bagherra know when I'm having problems with someone out here and I'll explain why... In truth because I know my petty fights with stupid people are not as important as sharing my life with him. He has enough drama and enough bullshit that he doesn't need mine too. I do share my family problems with him and some other major things but never a fly on the wall, they are easily removed. Learn what is most important and let go of the things that are not. Always be an ear and a mouth, talk and listen. They need you as much as you need them.

'Im a simple and plain man... I am not mad at the world, nor do I hate or blame others for my situation and lifestyle! I assure you that I am not a violent person however I am a strong believer that a lion lives by being a lion and a mouse by being a mouse!'

This quote is about Bagherra's mentality in prison. I can not say that all inmates mentality are the same as his. Bagherra has matured since he's been in prison. He's grown into a man and matured in many ways. The justice system will never see it. I see it in the letters and I'm not a threat to him and his life, yet the people who surround him are a threat to his everyday. I'm not just talking about the other inmates. They say that prisons are where we keep the 'filth' of the world, some people truly believe that. However look at it this way... How would you act if you had 'guards' that belittled you, beat you and treated you like a dog? How would you feel if you've already been stripped of your freedom and now you're being stripped of humanity? We question all the actions of these 'violent' attacks in prison and wonder who in the world would act like a wild animal? They are treated like animals would be the simple answer, in truth that is the only answer. They are not allowed to be individuals, they can not stick out from the rest and chances are they all have a pack mentality. Bagherra is very gentle with me and he's always been honest about things. Sometimes too honest. When I speak with his family the love glows off of them and I can tell that he was not some 'violent gang banger' to them. He was a son, brother and uncle. He was caring and compassionate. His family means the world to him and all for good reason. He was raised in a loving home, they may of not had everything, but they made the best of it. Bagherra turned to the streets at a young age and had a lot of bad influences, he has never once blamed everyone around him for his own problems, he only blames himself for his own mistakes. This is all proof people change, they mature and they adapt. If given another chance I know Bagherra would keep his nose clean and do right with his life.

We all face challenges and we all make mistakes. The strong own up to it and grow stronger from it. The weak blame others and make the same mistakes again. At some point in our lives we get over being the victim and become a survivor. Some people think inmates are not normal and they all have too many flaws. This is not true. They are stripped of everything and not permitted to be individuals. They are violent because it not they will be pried upon in prison. Prisons are very violent places and dangerous at times, this is not an everyday occurrence, but bad things do happen in prison. That's reality. When we write we allow them to feel different, to be individuals and a place that they do not have to out a guard up. It's a good feeling to have someone to turn to at every corner. Bagherra knows if he wants he can rant and rave about prison, yet I will never bring it up. I will never ask him about it usually, however I did have questions and he answered them for me. I always wonder how he can just turn his sensitive side in and off and I'll probably never know! Yet I do know that he doesn't see everyone as a threat and he doesn't have to be some 'gangster' in the letters for me. He can just be himself I'm proud to say that I've seen Bagherra at his best and I've also seen him at his worst. I've never judged him on his past and I've always kept an open mind to his future. I keep it level with him and we balance out letters. Some are hard to read and others make my day. We talk about so many different things. If I've learnt one thing about Bagerra, it's the fact he is an individual, he cares for others and he had this 'bad ass' side to him. Remember why we all do this... It's not to see the violence in these inmates, it's to see the better side of them.

'Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved'

-Hellen Keller

Letter Breakdown (06/14/2012)

A really quick breakdown of the letter... Bagherra and I spoke about the future of our relationship. If we wanted to fight for our feelings or simply let them go. He gave me the choice to make and wanted to make sure I made the choice I believed was best. I have 2 quotes: 
  

'Tinkerbell I love you in every way possible and there's absolutely no way that I want to lose you and my daughter but at the same time I don't want to hurt you nor do I believe it's fair for you to live through this very difficult relationship! How can I explain this to you! You are the best thing that ever happened to me! If this type of relationship is hard on me it only means that it's ten times harder on you. You are defiantly the woman and this a love I'm more than willing to fight for!!'

Nothing in this life comes easy. Nothing is just handed to you. In life too many times we choose the wrong option or the wrong path because its the 'easy' way out. In truth nothing easy is worth it. There is a fight and a struggle in everything you do. When we are young the world seems to be at our dispense and it revolves around us, why is that? It's because our parents struggle and fight to allow us to be children, they pay our bills, work a job, sometimes 2 or 3 jobs, and they provide for us. As we grow we begin to see the world for what it truly is... Hard!! Not everyone can take the pressures and some ignore it completely, others jump right in and fight to become something, to prove who they are, all while keeping yourself a bay. Relationships are very similar. In the beginning they are easy and fun, then life kicks in. It's how we handle the pressure and the stress that allows us to keep fighting, to keep pushing forward. I always talk about fighting for your own happiness, when you find it you begin to fight with the other person involved, not in a bad way, you join hands and take on the world. You find strengths inky out weaknesses and accomplish things you never thought possible. Love is a funny emotion, it truly takes a fight, dedication and a life time of work to see it through. It takes courage to admit when your wrong and even more courage to stand up for a relationship no one believes in. What matters most is how you see the relationship and the emotions you go through. Never block those around you, however never let them intervene on your own relationships. Never take the easy way out, always find a cause worth fighting for!

'Think things through and if this is something that you're willing to fight for! You and I together will fight and make this work I love you baby! And I'll be here waiting for you....'

Bagherra always allows me to make my own tough decisions. He never tries to pressure me or to reassure me, he wants to make sure I made the choice with no influence from him or anyone around me. After all this is my relationship right? I had to make the choice if I could go through something like this. I doubted myself for a time and I had myself convinced that this relationship would drain me not only emotionally, but physically. I knew there was a chance I would spend the rest f my life alone, yet with someone. Those are not what I focused on when I made those decisions. I focused on what I, myself, was able to control. I never commuted the crime, so why would I punish myself and not take my chance in happiness? Why should his sentence allow love to simply slip away? Most important why would I allow myself to turn away the only man I loved? Yes, Bagherra did some awful things to end up where he is, does that mean he's the animal they think he is? Or is it simply the mentality they figure he has. I have tons of letters to prove otherwise. This man is full of compassion, love and understanding. He doesn't place pity for what he did, not does he have malice in his heart towards me and I'm sure the victim of the crime would not agree with me, however everyone builds their own opinions. I built mine, not to make him look like a saint, however he's a decent man with a huge heart. He's done some wrong, there is no denying that, however he was young when he commuted those crimes, bits eventually turn into men, something I wish the judicial system would understand. Never allow others to convince you if something you do not believe yourself. Always trust yourself and never doubt what road you take, after all you're taking the road YOU and only you think is best for yourself! Others will not have to live your relationship, it is yours to have and to hold!

We always have choices in life, we all chose the choice which is best for us, usually that is. Too many times we allow others to dictate and to control our lives. However it gets to a point where you need to break free, to journey off and not be afraid of the unknown. We take the risk because in the end we truly believed it was worth it. Many, many years ago I was in a toxic relationship. Every time I left I always came back, not because I had to, but because I made the conscious choice to. There was no physical abuse, however the other party was hooked on something and he was drowning in his addiction. I ask myself to this day why I always went back and I smile, the smile is not for him, but for the boy I watched grow into a man, the boy I love like my own and forever when I picture him ill always see him as the 7 year old boy with eyes the color of the Mediterranean Sea! I hold no hard feelings and I've found peace within myself. I realized without that love less relationship I wouldn't be who I am today. The choices we make today will affect us tomorrow. Tomorrow is the unknown in all cases and today is the day we are promised. Take the risks, jump into the unknown, mend your broken hearts and forgive mistakes! Always admit you're wrong and don't be afraid to ask for forgiveness. Clear your heart of hate and truly learn that the world may be a horrible place, however you're pure if hate and malice. You never judge by the cover, always read the book no matter how long it is. Be willing to smile at random people just so they pay it forward. Give the next man the benefit if the doubt if you ave no proof. Love with all your heart and hold into the things worth fighting for.

'Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no ones definition of your life; define yourself.'

-Harvey Fierstien

Letter Breakdown (06/14/2012)

I received two letters from Bagherra on the same day! It's like Christmas for me! This letter was a very intimate one. We spoke a lot about my family and some of the past of certain family members. The letter I sent him was one where I truly opened up about my closest brother and my mother and fathers relationship. I truly felt comfortable telling him these things and it has a lot to do with why at times I tend to push those away that means the most to me. Just as with all the other letters we spoke about Ariel and all the progress she is making and how big she's getting. I have 4 quotes today:

'Mami in your last letter you asked me to slow things down! You left me cold and today I find myself more confusse than ever! And this confusion has nothing to do with my feelings for you and my daughter! The two of you together hold my heart, my every thought and wish, this is different!'

I truly believe that at this point we were debating about this relationship and where it was headed. We both didn't know what was best for us. I asked Bagherra for space, I begun to push away. There is a lot to think about when it comes to deciding if this relationship is right for the both of you. Never rush, take your time and see both the positive and the negative. Speak your fears and voice them. Try to work out what is going on inside of you with the other person involved, they may understand what they are going through, they may even be going through the same emotions. I may have made a bit of a mess when it came to working this all out. In truth, I was a bit scared and a bit worried that I would get hurt. However I came to the realization that regardless there is always a chance of getting hurt whether its a prison relationship or a relationship out in the free world. Take the chance you think is right for you. Know your limits and your boundaries, asks the questions, and most importantly find a support group that you can share with it even blog. You'd be surprised how much if a relief it is.

'A statistic does not hold nor does it build a relationship! Baby it's like me saying that I'm in prison because I was raised by single mother not because the choices I made...'

Statistics for a prison relationship are not high. The chance of them working out are very low. Keep in mind that it takes two people to make a relationship work. A statistic is only a number, it does not define you're individual relationship with the person you're with. It's simply a number that says 'well 100's of others couldn't make it so you shouldn't try', however your mentality must be '100's of different people, in different relationships couldn't make it work, but I'm still willing to fight for mine'. We are all different as people period! We all have different expectations and different limits. Some woman are okay with just letters, other women needs more attention. The hardest part of a relationship like this is ad set, lockdowns and holidays. Mail slows down, phone calls are taken away and visits are cancelled. You can not prepare for these things, however mentally you must expect them constantly. There is very little we can control being in a prison relationship.

'My love this as every other letter I write you has allowed me to escape this reality of mine momentarily now it's time to put back on my mean mugging face and jump back into my reality...'

This quote always sends chills down my spine. We try not to talk about the dangers of prison. I'm not naive I know there are many risks and bad things that happen in prison. It's a part of the lifestyle, something many of us do not and will not ever understand. Many of the people we write do not like to tell us and write about the coming and goings of their environment. It's a reason why they write, to escape that reality and to feel normal again. They all have to be in their toes and be on constant look out for threats and things of that sort. We write to get to know not the tough prison man, but the gentle man or even woman inside. Never push or show too much interest in what happens inside the walls, rather focus on the positive the surrounds both of you. Even if it is strictly platonic the last thing a man or woman wants to discuss is what they are surrounded by. In a way these letters are my escape too, it brings me the same feeling as if I were coming home and relaxing after a long day at work, it's someone you can laugh with, share with and not be afraid to open up to. It may seem odd for me to say that or even think like this after all it's just a letter right? Wrong, it's our only way of communication. It's the only way to tell him about myself, to tell him of Ariel and to share some sort of life with him. I am aware things are not glamorous in prison, however I never try to get information from him. I always tell him to be careful, there are many people who care for him and would hate to see something happen to him. He rarely even tells me when he's sick. I hate that, yet I know he doesn't like to worry everyone in the outside!

'Your weakness in my opinion is your beauty and your short fuse!!! Your beauty simply because most men tend to never see beyond that!! And your short fuse not because you scare men away! Because a man who truly cares and loves you will never run away from you! But if short fuse is a weakness in all of us when anger raises and you lose your balance, you lose total control of yourself and by this in most cases you give the next person the edge!'

I asked Bagherra what my strength and weaknesses were in his opinion. His answers really got to me, not in a negative way. He never just listed them, he gave me an explanation as to why. Sometimes we forget ourselves what makes us weak, sometimes we tend to need a different perspective to see what's clearly in front of us. I've been just simply me for many years. I've lived a relatively loud life when I was young and now as I've grown older I've become very quiet, however one trait I've always kept was my anger. I lash out when I am mad. I gave Bagherra a bit of a warning, he's always responded it would take more than my temper flying off to scare me away. We all have weaknesses and flaws, no one in this life is perfect, in order to love someone, you must love them for strengths, weaknesses, perfections and flaws. Never use someone's weakness against them. Never try to play at their hearts strings. Hurting one person may punish the rest of us from seeing their true beauty. Find a way to strengthen your weaknesses and not seem so hard headed about your strength. Find someone who balances you out and gives you a reason to smile when the world feels like its crashing down on you and in return do the same for that special person. It's amazing what you can achieve when you bring a little more happiness into your life.

We all have a protective wall around our hearts and at time are afraid to let people in because we do not want to get hurt. We push those we love away because we think that's the better option. We forget to realize that the better option is to allow our heart to break and to hurt, we will never grow as people if we do not experience a lot of these things. We should never blame the last persons mistakes on the next person, nor choose to bottle all the hurt inside. When it comes down to it we hurt to know we are still alive, that we still feel just as everyone else does. We go through things in life we can not explain, yet years down the road we look back and the memory no longer haunts you, rather you smile about it because you know it made you a better person. We may be cold for awhile, however eventually we must move forward from it. We must take the good and push forward, if you do not you'll be stuck in a hole the rest of your life and never fully recover. First learn to forgive, then learn to move on without the hurt. Only you know how to do that. Only you can decide when you're ready to be in this type of relationship, remember to first let everything else go because this relationship will be a hard one, it will test you in ways you have never been tested before. You'll hurt, you'll cry and you'll make the memories you can look back and smile upon.

'To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.'

- Lewis B. Smedes

Letter Breakdown (06/06/2012)

This letter was full of emotion. We spoke a bit on him having a 'to life' sentence. It's difficult to imagine being in a long term relationship and never having the opportunity to go to sleep with that person and then wake up with them. It's hard to think of raising a family like that. We touched on how we want this to work out for us regardless of the dreaded 'to life' sentence. I have 2 quotes:

'Tinkerbell this is our relationship, friendship and little family! In my eyes and in my heart no matter if we or are not in a committed relationship we will always be much more than friends...'

Sometimes things happen in life we ourselves can not explain in words, rather we explain in reactions and how we live our lives. When entering a relationship there is always a chance that things will not work. Things happen, people change and too often we forget why we entered into the relationship in the first place. We doubt others, and often even doubt ourselves. We can be insecure and a little possessive. These are all the things that constantly effect relationships. I do it myself and as you can see I doubted myself and Bagherra. However I never stopped realizing what I had and why I put up with the downs in the relationship. Reality is sometimes not as good as your dreams, yet once you find something special you realize reality is, you just have to fight to make it better. Bagherra can't just go back to being friends, he's right, we will always be more than friends, so when I lose him I know I will lose him forever.

Baby you always said that if a man can’t handle your worst he doesn’t deserve your best! And to think that I can let you go when you love, gave me a beautiful daughter and fell in love with me at my worst it’s crazy! I’ll always love you and be here...

I never knew Bagherra outside if Prison. I met him while he was incarcerated, we built everything we have through letters. We shared everything through these letters, not just the good, we shared hurtful memories, sad and tragic times. Bagherra has seen me mentally breakdown in a letter and truly push him away. Regardless of how I pushed he hold me still and helped keep my head right. We've shared a lot of laughs, smiles, tears and pain, through these emotions Bagherra found love for Ariel, and then for me. I has no expectations for Bagherra when we begun to write, I had no idea what would happen, however I let it all unfold. I learnt so much about him in such a short time. It took 5 months for us to cross the love barrier. We never rushed anything. I gave him all I could offer, he did the same for me. I fell in love with an inmate, not just any inmate, a man I do not in anyway see as a violent offender, a man I see as a good hearted man.

Throughout our lives we will all grow. Some will grow individually, some will grow together and some will grow apart. Fact of the matter is we all grow and we all change. We realize the world is not as innocent as it seems, that there is no black and white, rather a large area of a shade of grey. We are not guaranteed tomorrow, hell we are not guaranteed the next 5 minutes. Live your life the way you want. Fall in love, get hurt and grow from it. Never be unforgiving and always give a little to get something back. Everything you do will effect someone. What you may see as innocent may truly tear someone else apart. I sit here and I write all these loving words for a man I am no longer with. I do this because that love is still there, however what he did is always on my mind. He hurt me, however I am not bitter. I learnt a valuable lesson and I didn't ask a lot of questions I should have from the start. I tried to forgive and I could not. I tried to understand why he would do what he did and I could not. My lesson has been learnt and I would never take it back. My heart is broken, yet still whole. I'm growing as an individual right now and maybe one day I'll be ready to grow with someone. Find what you want and always go for it, the person you are with will have dreams of their own, try to grow together and walk in the same direction, you'll be surprised that you won't have to shake your own dreams for someone else.

'As I look back on all that has happened: growing up, growing together, changing you, and changing me, there were times when we dreamt together, when we laughed together, when we laughed and cried together. As I look back on those days i realize how much I will truly miss you and how much I truly love you. The past may be gone forever and what the future holds. Our today's make memories of tomorrow. Therefore, it is with all my heart that I send you my love, hoping that you'll always carry my smile with you for all we have meant to each and for what the future may hold.'

-Unknown

Letter Breakdown (06/05/2012)

We spoke about what would happen if his family stood against us, if they would not accept this type of relationship. We also touched on a bit of my family history and the reason I kept him hidden from my family for so long. There are many things and people that have always stood in our way, yet we always came out together in the end. I have 3 quotes from this letter:

 

'Hermosa what we share is a strong will, a beautiful family, and a relationship full of struggle but our struggle none the less and our happiness to fight for! '

Sometimes in life we must make choices, and possibly some sacrifices. In order to make a relationship work you have to be willing to fight. Nothing worth anything in the life will be easy. We are tested on a daily basis to make sure we stay strong and at the end of the day when you lay your head down to sleep you can smile knowing you did what made you happy. I always press on doing what makes you happy, and I will always stand by this. Some people may not understand your happiness, however it is not for them to understand, as it is your happiness and not theirs. Bagherra and I struggle with the distance and the fact he is in Prison. Somehow, someway we do not let it drag us down. We find a way to stay positive, even if things are looking in a different direction. Choose the road that leads to your happiness and fight for it. Only you will know you made the right decision.

'We found something unique! We hold something special! Something that belongs only to us! And the only reason this relationship brings so much joy regardless of the distance and uncertainty is because we stand in this together!!'

A relationship is of two, it takes two people being 100 percent committed to one another to watch the relationship bloom. As of now Bagherra does not have a chance of Parole until 2052, and if he never gets parole he will die in Prison. This does not mean something will not change, there is always hope that his verdict will get over turned, or new laws will come out and change his sentence. These are the uncertainties we speak about. We do not know for sure he will ever come home. All we know is that there are still options and they may take a few more years to work themselves out. There is no guarantee in this life period. The only two certainties in life are life itself and death. Everything in between is what you choose to do with it, and remember not everything can be controlled or planned. Things happen in life and sometimes we do not understand why, however we do not let that define us as people. We push forward with a little thing called hope and we pray for the best. Nothing will ever work out perfectly, but you can make it perfect in your own eyes. Take the negative and turn it into a positive. Live life the way you see it and deal with it as it comes, all while having your goals and dreams pushing you forwards.

'Oh baby our love means a new beginning it’s a roller coaster of emotions!!! It means a smile a breath it means everything good in my life today! Our love means your smile and your happiness even if it takes away mine…'

I asked Bagherra to define what our love meant to him. I've always known that if I decided all hope was lost, or if I realized I couldn't bare to be in a relationship like that Bagherra of all people would understand. I knew it would crush him, yet he would sacrifice his own happiness for my own. This is love in it's purest form. Being able to say to the person you love that if you are no longer their happiness they will let you go to see you happy is hard, yet it shows the level of love you truly have for a person. When you're in love always remember that there is another person involved, that means it is not only your feelings invested, but someone elses too. For Bagherra and I this was a new beginning, something we both had not felt in our lives, it was hard at first, then it became almost easy. We had love to push us forward and family to keep us together. Realizing why you love someone is one thing, however realizing that person makes you better a totally different topic all together. Hold onto what you love, yet never be too harsh. Always remember they make you better, they make you whole and regardless of where they are in the world they are yours to borrow, not to keep. So treat them right and they will be yours forever.

It may seem like all our letters are of confession of love, but they are not. When I told Bagherra about this blog he asked that I hide names, keep Ariel out of the entries for the most part, and never get too personal. We share everything, the ups and downs, the tears and laugh, the madness and the smiles. We have developed a bond that draws us to each other and we found happiness in one another. I can be myself around Bagherra and not have to worry about him thinking I'm crazy, or that I'm not good enough. We both have flaws and we accept it. In order to love someone, you must first find perfection in their imperfections. When in a relationship like this we already know their biggest imperfection is the fact the are locked up, yet we who choose this life, choose to see past this. Instead of letting it break us down, we embrace it. Find what makes you smile, cry, laugh, and get mad. These emotions are what carries us. When we feel we know we are still alive, whether the feelings are good or bad, they are still feelings. Embrace someones imperfections and in return they will do the same. Choose something that is worth fighting for and holding onto forever. Most important find someone that you can be open with and someone you can express yourself to.

'You come to find love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perrfectly'

-Unknown

Letter Breakdown (06/02/2012)

A quick round up of the letter, it was personal. We spoke more about his mother and his relationship. We also spoke about Ariels tantrums and how to try to stop them. By this point we knew quite a bit about one another, yet it always seems like there was something new to learn. I have 2 quotes:

'Rusty as I was and doubting love behind bars never did it crossed my mind that love would be knocking at my heart. In denial yet I clearly heard love whisper “this woman is amazing, her beauty goes beyond those pretty eyes! Tinkerbell is unique in many ways and an excited combination of passion and fire she’s worth you losing your mind!!! Treat her with care and love and you’ll witness magic before your eyes”'

I can't even break this down, so why I chose this quote I do not know yet. However I can and will say this. Love behind bars is common as I am beginning to find, yet all the love I find is different. Everyone writes their own story, this includes their love stories. No two relationships are similar, yet the feelings are. They are genuine for the most part and I've met some people who would trade places with their incarcerated loved in a heart beat without thinking twice. We may seem crazy to sleep alone, raise children alone and stand by our loved ones. We are not crazy, we are in love. Love has this magic to it. It makes you feel strong, happy, weak and sad. It's a never ending rollercoaster of emotions. It's something you can not explain, yet you simply know it's there. It's the first thought of the day and the last image before you go to sleep. It's something that lives inside of you. You may call it madness and we simply call it love. You can do a poll and ask 100 men and women standing in my shoes what makes you stay and chances are all the answers would be different. We all fall for different reasons, yet that doesn't mean someone's love is more than another persons. Love is love.

'I know the woman who I have by my side but simply not knowing if I’ll ever come home to you and Ariel is a hard pill to swallow!'

We never did speak much on what would happen if he never came home, however I know both Bagherra and I thought about the possibility. It was a very sensitive subject and it still is. We figure as long as we had hope we had a chance. So what would happen if that hope went away? Would we crumble or find something new to hope and wish for? Raising a child like this is tough enough... Failed appeals and hope shattering makes it worse to try to explain why daddy or mommy is never coming home. Hell, even with only a few years it's still difficult to explain to a young child why daddy or mommy can not be home. This is something we have spoken about. Ariel will be old enough one day to speak and write to him on her own. We have spoken about ways to try to include Bagherra in our everyday routines and functions. Everyone has to find a system that works for them, whether it be phone calls, visits and for some of us just letters.

Having love and family is hard enough out here, making it work from Prison is a difficult task for all those involved. We must always remember that the clock does not stop clicking and the more we stress and worry about how to approach something like this the harder it becomes. Bagherra and I sorted out family first. Then we came up with a solution to have him in Ariel's life. I post pictures he drew around her room, I show her the photos of him everyday and each night before bed I give her two sets of love, hugs and kisses... One from mommy and one from daddy. I make sure that my daughter knows there is a man out there that truly wishes he could be here and loves her to the end of the world and back. When she is old enough I will explain, as Bagherra put it, where he is and that it had nothing to do with her and he loves her very much. I will teach my daughter compassion so she does not see him as a monster, rather she will see him as a man who is paying for his mistakes he made when he was younger. Although I do not agree with the length of the sentence I do agree that our daughter needs to know the truth. When she is old enough to understand I will tell her everything. Finding a balance with family and love is hard, yet it can be achieved. It may fail a few times, but we learn from it and move forward, we make new ideas and test them out. When you find the right one you will know it's the one you've been searching for. Never give up, push forward and accomplish what most people think we can not. Balance Prison, Family and Love. It can only make you stronger.

'I'll never stop dreaming that one day we can be a real family, together, all of us laughing and talking, loving and understanding, not looking at the past but only to the future.'
-LaToya Jackson

Letter Breakdown (05/31/2012)

This letter was very personal. Most of it I will keep to myself. However we spoke on some sensitive subjects. We've always made plan to if he was to come home. We also talk about family and friends, and what they think of our relationship. There was a Spanish lesson he prepared for me. I only have 1 quote...

 

'It will be lonely nights, many frustrations and uncertainty!!! I once said that these type of relationships are not for me because of the true challenge that it is, but being with you and having our little one in my life I’ve discovered that the good that the two of you have brought into my everyday out weighs by so much all the stress and frustrations that our relationship may bring my way.'

This is why we kept holding on. The good out weighed the bad and at the end of the day we always have each other. We took a chance. We weighed the good and the bad. We talked it out, we let the dust settle and in the end we could only see one another, not everything that stood in our way. We never stopped to look at what is around us, we never had to. We always knew what a challenge this would be and how difficult and draining this relationship would be. However what we shared was special and real. Make sure when you enter into something like this you know exactly the bad and the good. The bad will make you stronger and the good will push you forward. If you can not do this, do not go along with it and play your games. Always remember there is another person that is in this with you. That person feels just as we do, they have a heart and a soul. Love is not a joke, nor a bargaining chip, it is something that is precious and fragile. 

Bagherra and I have built a relationship out of nothing with so much standing in our way. We knew times would get tough. We knew we wouldn't have physical touch until he goes back to mainline. We also knew how we felt. Something inside of us something brought us together, The bond we built was strong, not because of our love, but because of what stood in our way. We defied the odds so the speak. Many relationships like this do not work because only half an effort is put into it or eventually someone pulls the plug because it is too lonely. When you get into this relationship always remember that if the other person involved has life, it means they have life, they may never come home. Ask yourself if you can see yourself doing this for life. Be aware of everything that is going to happen. Talk to others that were in your shoes at one point. Truly get a grasp of what this relationship will do to you, both mentally and physically. Also keep in mind their family will get involved and that can turn a puddle into an ocean. Never doubt yourself, but always be conscious of what is going on around you. Ignore the people that doubt you and embrace those who know what you are going through. Recently I've had a woman named Bex whom has given me some book titles to read about women in my same shoes and to be truthful I wish I would have read them a year ago before all this started. I didn't reach out to anyone until after we had begun our relationship, I truly didn't know what to expect. Now, to say things would be different would be a lie, but in a way the more knowledge I had the easier some of the hard times would have been. Never be afraid to ask for someone if you are hurting or just need a shoulder to lean on. There are so many people willing to help you see it all through.

A quick side note. You can check out Bex's blog @
http://writing2prisoners.blogspot.com/

Letter Breakdown (05/27/2012)

This letter was all over the place. Bagherra and I spoke about our daughter, some memories, my family and his family. Our letters are in no way disorganized, however we seem to cover a lot of ground in just 4 pages. When he writes about his family I realize we truly came from opposite ends of the world with our upbringings. I was raised by only men and he only his mother. I've never been this open about my family before, to this day I still have not, nor do I think I will. To the 3 quotes...

 

'There is not another woman in this world who can take your place! This may sound as a lie but I've never felt like this before! Many years ago there was a girl in my life who I loved very much yet between her and I there was a huge gap, always a dark cloud that stood in our way! With you and I the only thing stand in our way of being completely happy is my freedom!'

 

I've never asked Bagherra about past love or past relationships. These are things I usually do not want to know. Bagherra brought this up himself and I see it as almost a confession. He always allowed things to get in the way of his relationship. When you love someone you will always put them first. I do not think Bagherra saw it like this when he was young. He was also an unfaithful young man. Now, I am not bashing him, nor trying to make him look like a bad guy. He is far from that. However I say these things because he learnt from that, he carried it on and realized the reason he could never fully love that girl. Just like he finds himself in Prison today and if freed he would never go back, it works the same from his past relationships. You always take the good with you from a past relationship, and yes, we do take the bad, even if we do not see it. By time women are my age, 25, we develop trust issues. Why? That is the bad coming from past relationships. We may not show it, but the damage that has been done is not shown easily, it only takes on thing to trigger an old memory. I used to do this, until I realized I was blaming Bagherra for someone elses mistakes. Everyone is different. When entering a relationship like this, let go of your past fully before you try to make a future with an inmate. This is a very stressful type of relationship. Your emotions will always be up and down. You need to be 100 percent devoted and clear of what is ahead of you.

 

'You don’t need a man to handle you but to simply love you, to show you and make you feel even though you are a gorgeous woman your beauty is much more then that…'

We are always taught to see someone beyond what they appear to look like. Some of the most beautiful people are shallow inside. For me, if a man has good looks and no personality I will never speak with him again. Looks are never important for me. A beautiful person on the inside is much better than a beautiful person on the outside. We spend so much time judging people on looks that we forget in order to hold something special the person must have a personality to go with. Let's face it a pretty face gets boring after so long. Bagherra does compliment me on my looks, however that was never his focus point. He made sure to remind me each chance he got that what I hold inside is so much more. Bagherra and I have never had problems expressing our feelings or being open, even if we were afraid. I learnt very quickly to not hold back and to truly let him see me for who I really am. I'm a nerd, I love to read and I'm pretty smart, or so I like to think I am. Not many people see that side of me. I guess at times I hide behind my looks because I'm too afraid to let someone see who I really am, or I used to be like that. Never be afraid to first show someone what is inside of you. Let them judge you on what you hold inside not outside. Open up and live life. 

'Mami I don’t intend to ever return you heart! It is now under my protection and care!!! It belongs to me as mine belongs to you to keep and to hold.'

What does it mean to truly give your heart to someone? It means, in my eyes, to give yourself fully to someone. To allow someone in your life and to love them with everything you have. To give them everything you have to offer and not expect anything in return. To give your heart away is to know there is a chance you will get hurt, but that doesn't mean you will focus on just that. All you can do is fight for what you think is right. Everyone fights, it's a part of a healthy relationship, although fighting all the time is not healthy, but everyone must disagree at one point. Never stress the small things and give your heart fully to those who only deserve it. At the end of the day you will be doing what makes you a better person.

Being in this type of relationship is scary. There will be appeals, lock downs, no calls and lonely nights. The person in this with you must live in your heart. Times will always get hard, but you must learn many of these things are out of your control. Never focus on the things that are out of your hands. Rather than focusing on the bad, think of all the good. Read old letters to get you through the times when mail is slow. Look at pictures when lock downs prevent visits and phone calls. Stand strong when appeals don't go you way, try to find another way. Grab a pillow and hold it close when one of those nights come that you feel the world is closing in on you and you'll die from the loneliness. There is always a solution. It may not come right away, but eventually you will find a routine that suits you. I had a picture framed of Bagherra on my bed side table and his art work was all over my house. He was a constant in my life. I found a routine that worked for me. A way to deal with all the ups and downs. I even found a way for Ariel to know about her father and his family. Working together through the hard times makes you stronger together, but working through the hard times alone makes you a stronger person, in turn making your bond with your significant other stronger. Remember everything you go through, they ar4e going through it too. Never be afraid to let them know about the rough times, you'd be surprised how much they understand.

Letter Breakdown (05/23/2012)

This letter has significant meaning to me. In it Bagherra spoke about an old memory of when he was still free. Now this memory isn't anything special but special to me none the less. I sent him a picture of me pregnant with Ariel and that is what triggered the memory. I don't know much about Bagherra's past, only that it wasn't perfect and in this letter he opened up a little bit more, not only about the memory but of other things he's done. Our level of trust at this point was beyond what I ever expected it to be. Onto the 3 quotes I want to share...

 

'Sweetheart to read that my comments make you feel special and butterflies like a teenager and to know in a small way my letters and words have this effect on you it’s a confidence booster for me! I once wrote I do not doubt myself as a man but it is truly difficult not to doubt the situation I find myself in!!'

Every letter he reminds me how special I am. He always has the right words to say and truly I don't believe it's because he has all the time in the world to think of what to say. Bagherra speaks from the heart and it shows in his letter. From Prison he can not comfort me like he wants to, nor show me the affection he wishes he could, instead he writes it out for me. A lot of the time I find myself blushing and feeling childish because of what he says. When something is real it shows, not only in our faces but our whole demeanor shows it. We become different, not in a bad way, we become more soft, more understanding and in truth a little blind. This is the effects of love and relationships. Only we truly know what makes us blush, giggle and smile. Those are the moments that will forever live inside of me. 

'There are not many woman in your world who would allow a feeling like this or a relationship of this kind to grow… as a matter of fact a few months ago neither you nor I believed in this type of relationship and if I remember correctly you more than me.'

When we begun writing we both agreed relationships like this truly are hard, that they were not for us. Months later feelings developed and we jumped in. Seeking a relationship with an inmate is not the right thing to do, nor is it the reason these pen pal sites are successful. They are successful because people have compassion, they know the circumstances, yet they do not turn people away. Bagherra is not the only man I write to, all the other pen pals are strictly friends and nothing more. I can not tell you why feelings were developed with Bagherra, however I do believe, a Bagherra believes, we never put a guard up. We never tried to protect and guard our hearts because truly we never believed this was possible. Well it became reality one day and we weren't expecting it. A relationship like this must be developed. You truly must know the person in order to get involved. Always ask what you want and speak freely, you have nothing to lose. If someone loves you they will understand. They will answer with honesty, good or bad. If you feel like things are moving too fast, slow them down, take your time. If it is meant to be it will. Nothing was ever forced for Bagherra and I, it simply happened right under our noses and punched us dead in the face one day.

'Even though you wrote that me being on the website doesn’t bother you I’m getting off it! It’s something I had already considered and believe you deserve that respect!!!'

Why this quote? I'll tell you... A few letters before this Bagherra asked what I thought about his ad still being up, to be honest I didn't want it up anymore, but I would never ask him to take it down. I wouldn't ask because it's not like he can get up and make new friends. He can not communicate with people outside of his family if not for sites like WAP. A good example of that is some old friends found Bagherra on the site and decided to keep in touch. So the site is not just for meeting new friends, it's also a way to find old friends that have gotten lost in the system. After some discussion about this subject Bagherra took his ad down. I told him not to, after all someone paid for him to be up there, however I wasn't broken up about it. Now to touch on the point of this quote. Never make a judgement call for the person you write. Never demand they take their ad down, or use it against them. They are up there to have communication in their lives and a touch of reality. Reality to them is a concrete jungle, a place where they must have their game face on 24/7. A letter is a break from all of that. It's a moment in time where they get to break down and be a different person. They get a chance to feel whole again, like a human being and not an animal locked in a cage. Sure, bring the subject up if it bothers you, but most important... let them make the decisions. Always have trust for those you write, without trust you have nothing.

Expressing yourself openly and putting your trust in someone is no joke. It's something that takes time to develop and sometimes it never fully develops. Some are seen as victims and others as targets. Be strong enough to know the difference and always go with your instinct. I do not stress on scams and things like that because I have not experienced it. Yet, my very first pen pal tried to run his game on me and I refused to be like that. I stopped writing. The reason I am stressing this point is because when my feelings for Bagherra developed I questioned myself if this was real. I needed to figure out if he was just lonely and wanted someone along for the ride, or if he truly wanted to be with me because his heart was telling him to be with me. The heart is a funny instrument. Mine is broken and in pieces from Bagherra, yet it still works. I am still able to write these blogs no longer with him, yet I still look through that same window of love that I know will always be there. I took a chance and although I got hurt in the end I am still writing and still proud that I was with Bagherra. I would never take it back nor change it at all. The lessons I learnt within this relationship and the strength I earned will always be a part of me, just as a part of my heart will always belong to Bagherra. In turn every time my heart beats, he'll be there, and I'll know I'm still alive. Never doubt yourself or the person you are with. If it is real then there is no room for doubt or second guessing. I instilled Bagherra with my trust and in the end we both were hurt, yet through all that hurt there was still love. Love is a candle that burns forever. Try to put it out and one day it will begin to burn again. Never forget where you have been, because you'll get lost as to where you're going.

Letter Breakdown (05/20/2012)

This letter was short. In this letter he explained that he had wrote his mother to tell her about Ariel and I. This letter was all about family, both of our families. We spoke about the concerns that my family had regarding being in a relationship with Bagherra. I only have one quote:

 

'You are an amazing woman Tinkerbell and only a blind but stupid fool wouldn’t be able to see you entirely.'

 

In life sometime we are judged upon how we look and not what we hold inside. When I began writing Bagherra I gave him a very brief description of me and there were no photos. I wanted for him to see what I held inside and not how I looked. I reached out to a man incarcerated not seeking love or a relationship, rather to be a friend to someone who could use one the most. Many times the outside world will say many of us went seeking for what we now share with our inmates when in truth we all know love just happens. People decide to be together not because of their surroundings, but because we develop feelings along the way. Feelings can only be ignored for so long before someone comes out and admits they are there. We hide in the shadows because we are afraid of being judged for writing and falling for the inmates we choose to write to. Regardless of what everyone thinks know you are not alone in this journey and many people go through something very similar to what you are now experiencing. Never be afraid of your emotions and most important never suppress them.

 

Somewhere a long the way Bagherra and I saw things changing. We started writing differently and gave into what was happening right before our eyes. We never stopped to try to prevent what was happening, instead we embraced it. We took the time to know one another, who we really were instead of judging the book by its cover. Too many people think women like me write in search of what Bagherra and I share. The truth is I never wanted this, nor expected it to happen. It wasn't like this from the start. It took time for feelings to develop and friendship was born before anything else. The decisions we have made thus far were always talked about and not rushed. We never pushed one another, nor used our feelings against one another. We just let faith take its course and we enjoyed the ride. We've never allowed others to dictate our relationship, nor get in our way. Instead we joined hands and fought together to keep what we share. We never tried to justify it or make it seem easy, we simply lived our love story without input from others. We've had our ups and our downs, yet we never forgot who we are or how we feel. When what you feel is real you will know, you will fight to the death to hold it and you will cherish it because when you are in love you know no limits, boundaries or prison walls, all you know is what you feel. Run on what you know and not what others assume. Always make yourself happy over the outsiders in your life. Only you know what is best for you and somewhere along the journey you'll find your own happiness, after all if you are not happy and others are, in no way will you learn to be happy unless you fight for your happiness.