Letter Breakdown (05/09/2012)

This letter is a difficult one to sum up. This is where he asked to change things up, to be in a committed relationship. He also spoke on the photos of Ariel's birthday and how much he wished he could have been there. He also asked me how I felt about him still being on the website. I have 2 quotes today.

 

"I’m happy, extremely happy and she tells me that she is as well but not matter what or what I try to tell myself I know in my heart that with me she is trading the more for the less yet there is no doubt in my mind nor in my heart that she is the love of my life and my everything!"

Bagherra gets to the point without cutting around the truth. He is very straight forward with me, which I found highly attractive in him. By this point I had stopped paying attention to the men out in the free world because my feelings were so strong for Bagherra. I turned away dates and kept to myself. Not because he asked me to but simply because I knew I would be thinking about him the whole time. To me it is strange how once someone grows in your heart you find excuses to not allow anyone else in. Bagherra expresses himself with ease and never holds out on his emotions. I found out quickly I was the same way with him. We've never held back, we leave everything on the page. Never have the mind set where you are afraid to tell the person how you are feeling, whether good or bad. The person receiving that letter is going through similar motions and if anyone knows the pain and the suffering, or the happiness and joy, it's the person who is on this roller coaster with you. always put it what you get out. Things tend to run better when both people put in all they can.  

"Bambina my mind is telling me one thing and yet my heart another! Tinkerbell will you be my lady? Life is a struggle and loneliness has been a part of my everyday world to have you and Ariel by my side is my second chance!! But what I’m asking of you is truly selfish of me… You once told me more or less that you did not believe in a commited relationship between a man in prison and she on the out side world! Tinkerbell i'll never give up on this but I needed to ask you I hope you understand....."

I remember I had to re-read this little bit a couple times before I grasped the concept that the man on the other end of this correspondence was asking me to be his lady, to fully commit to this relationship and there was a chance he was never coming home. There is a chance I will never physically touch him or be able to sleep in the same bed as him. Yet, instead of turning away I embraced it. Now, this may sound crazy but like I've always said love makes us do some crazy shit but I knew I wanted to be with this man, prison or no prison. My feelings weren't going anywhere, rather they were growing strong by the day. I found a man that understood me, that knows all my secrets and has never once judged me. I found a man who loves me and cares for me more than I could ask anyone to. He may be in prison but in no way does that mean I can't be with him. I may not physically be with him, yet we share something most people don't. We built a bond so strong that us ourselves to this day are unable to break. We took the time to figure each other out and we fell in love blindly by accident. Love is love period. I love this man and I knew there was only one answer. To say yes and to fully commit myself to him.

For those who have never had feelings for someone on the other side of the letter you write you may not understand why I would agree to something like this. After all this man is an active gang member and serving a 36 - life sentence. We do not choose who we love, rather we just fall and deal with it as it comes. I had a choice to say no and to continue correspondence just keeping things the way they are. However, at this point I was already in love and knew what I wanted. Simply him. I couldn't focus on someone else being in my life because I knew that there was no one else for me. The love I have for Bagherra runs deep. Deep enough I know it will be there forever. I knew we were bound to have ups and downs and even a few fights. This is all part of a healthy relationship. We took an unknown path together and I never had to feel alone when he was around. I always knew I could pick up my pen and paper and simply write to him. He would always answer back, even if he didn't like the subject I was ranting and raving about. He helped me heal old wounds and lit a spark inside of me that will burn forever. Today's word of the day is Love... Why love? Because ' Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away.' . That is one of my favorite bible verse. We allow others in to love and be loved. We take the good with the bad and the pain with the happiness. We learn to not judge and to never hold something against someone. We love because we are born to love. We give our love knowing we may get hurt in the end, but when we look back we never focus on the bad, only the happy times. Love at it's greatest peak is pure. Nothing can stop it one the feeling hits. Learn to love even if just as friends. When we love we give someone all our trust and devotion. We dedicate our time and our resources to see someone smile, whether a letter or a phone call. Love allows us to have no obstacles we can not face and it allows us to feel unconditionally for someone. Never try to stop love.  

Letter Breakdown (05/06/2012)

In this letter we spoke about what would happen if the people he loves most did not accept our relationship. Ariel's birthday had just past so we spoke on that and how much she is going. We also touched on the way we were headed and how it would be selfish of him to even ask more from me. I have 3 quotes this entry.

"These two beauties are truly my everything… Baby I’m happy to know that you feel loved and that you’re enjoying this Mary Wells song. Truly there are many songs that can describe my feelings for you but what love had joined together is stronger than anything in life!!! Oh baby you are definitely the one for me."

It still amazes me how a couple of lines can completely lift my spirit and change my attitude, even when I look back and reread all these letters I find myself feeling the same way as if I just had read it for the first time. I listen to this song almost everyday and when it plays my first thought is of Bagherra. It's funny when you love someone the smallest thing reminds you of them. I truly believe that life works in the weirdest ways. I reached out to help someone, to be a shoulder to lean on and to brightens someones day. In the end I found that myself and so much more. I found someone I could truly depend on and someone who will tell no not what I want to hear, rather their own personal thoughts. When you love someone you never try to hide the truth and you never sugar coat the truth. You are like this because you know no matter how harsh the words the love you have for that person is the reason why you are honest in the first place.

"My dear not only have you opened your mail box! But also your home and heart to me! No matter what ever happens between us you and Ariel will forever live within me and forever hold my love. I honestly don’t believe that there is another woman who can have such meaning in my life…"

The words that Bagherra says to me blows me away. He has the exact same meaning in my life. Regardless of the outcomes we've found ourselves in we both find peace in the fact we love one another. Having a relationship with someone in Prison has many ups and downs. We find ourselves clinging to letters and photos. I will always have a very special place in my heart for Bagherra. When in a relationship like this one wrong word in a sentence can cause an eruption. Always keep in mind that letters are difficult to read, so to speak, one word could have a different meaning to the inmate. When we are writing we are doing more than helping them, we are giving them a place to vent without judgment or reserves, something they do not find in Prison. Some inmates can not properly express themselves like we can, and other tend to over express. Always know your own comfort zones and be patient with men and women that have not been out here for awhile. When Bagherra talks to me like this it doesn't scare me away or make me uncomfortable. I love this man and words like these are his way of showing me how he feels.  

"I’m beyond happy to be the man who you’ve experienced this amazing feeling with, he who makes you feel this way and your first love! Knowing that you do not intent to run away from this is such a relief and exciting for me so great that I can’t even begin to explain, all that I’m certain of it that I love you and Ariel with all my heart, that I want you by my side and need you in my every day."

I've ran away from love my whole life and with Bagherra I couldn't run anywhere. I felt planted, something was different about him. Bagherra knew my fear of love and never pushed love on me. He was very patient with me and he wasn't expecting me to confess my feelings for him. Once we confessed our love things progressed between us and saying 'I love you' became an easy flow in our letters. Our letters have become more romantic and full of dreams we wish to live out together.

Many people saw this relationship between Bagherra a road to no where. When they view upon what him and I shared they saw barriers and bars. However when I look at it I see and man and a woman fighting for their love. The hardest part of a Prison relationship is dealing with those who do not understand why we do this. Many people don't even bother to take the time to understand. They truly believe a convict is just a convict. If you decide to take this jump be prepared for other who do not understand what you are going through. There are many sites for support and there are many people who are doing the same thing as you and may be able to shed some insight on what to be prepared for. Being in a relationship like this is hard. Even holding a friendship is hard, after time you will begin to feel their pain and joy. There is a certain amount of emotion you build for these inmates. A friendship or a relationship with an inmate is just like having a friendship or relationship out here. Just because they are behind bars doesn't mean they are less fortunate or not worthy of 100 percent real friendship. My word the day today is friendship. 'In everyone life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.' Regardless of someones walk of life friendship is obtainable and regular. Never believe a inmate is not worthy of 100 percent of what you have to offer. It may surprise you how they show they care!     

Letter Breakdown (05/04/2012)

I've decided to continue to break down letters. This may sound crazy, but I feel as though I need to continue what I started and share the full story. Never have I painted my relationship with Bagherra as perfect. Never have I tried to make it look easy. Although the relationship is over I still want to tell the rest of my story and for those who read this blog I hope you take what you can from this and possibly help your own relationship. I still have love for this man so I will never 'beat him up' or talking down about him. I still have many hurtful feelings but my love for him means more to me.

In this letter we spoke about my family, as I was just getting back from vacation with my mother and step father. Bagherra knows I hold a lot of pain towards my mother and that I don't let it out. I keep it in and he told me he would always be there to hear me out when I want to talk about it. I also sent him a ton of photos of Ariel and my beach vacation. Those are always the highlight of the letters for him. He loves photo. Now to the quotes I want to share.

"I want you to know and understand that I’ve fallen for you and Tinkerbell I’ve fallen for you hard."

These last few letters we've been confessing feelings and we knew things were about to change in a major way. The signs of conversation changing are easy to point out when you look after the excitement wears down. There was a build up to this point. I knew I had feelings and a part of me didn't want to admit it and the other half wanted to scream my emotions from rooftops. When I think of how I felt I could only imagine how Bagherra was feelings. This big bad 'cholo' is confessing an emotion that could be used against him in the place he is at. Falling for someone is the easy part, I truly believe admitting your feelings is a different story. Love can be your strongest strength and your weakest weakness. Never use love against an inmate they do feel and hurt just as we do. I always stress this point because some people truly play games and mess with peoples heads to get what they want.

"Bella bambina this wonderful relationship we hold it’s not common and most things not common in life are difficult for others to understand!! I don’t blame you friends for showing concern, in fact I encourage them. I hope you always have friends who love you and worry about you and our little princess in your life! Yet your friends are right! My freedom only comes in an envelope."

Remember Bagherra and I have not taken to jump to be together yet. Okay, maybe that's not 100 percent true, but no one has asked to take this further and make it official. There was a ton to sort out before we took that jump. I had people who stood against Bagherra and I. I had many friends who had concerns about me getting to close to a 'convict' and I had family who only saw a Mexican with gang tattoos. Usually when people give me advice I don't mind listening to it, however there was only a few people who saw beyond Bagherras appearance. Even if you're strictly platonic with your pen pal people will still have negative comments to say. They do not understand why we do this, or why we would try to help someone like a 'convict'. I can not tell you enough to never judge a book by it's cover. Just because these men are in prison doesn't mean they are horrible people. YES, they have committed crimes and YES, they may be violent crime, BUT we must remember that people do change. Everyone deserves a second chance in life and for those who reach out to inmates know what I am talking about when I say that they are made to look like monsters but they are truly compassionate people who genuinely care about us that write. Now I'm not saying all the inmates are like that, because some are out to play games for money or whatever they can get out of pen pals. Always go with your own instinct when deciding what your limits are.

"Many things have changed in my since Ariel came into my life! She’s shook my entire world! Not only did she open up my heart but made me doubt old beliefs. I always knew that I wanted to be a father but I never realized truly just how bad I wanted this."

 Bagherra didn't have a chance to have children before prison. He never knew what it was like to be a father. I share everything Ariel does with him. He's been in her life since she was 6 months old and now I am happy to say his family is in her life. I did not introduce Ariel to Bagherra right away. He knew I had a daughter, yet I never pressed her in the early letters until I grew my own trust for Bagherra. I started to notice in the letters when we begun to talk about her his whole mood in the letter would change. I always knew and still know I could always depend on Bagherra to help me with Ariel. There isn't much he can do from prison, yet he can always just listen. I know how much he loves her and he sees her as his own. This is something I never plan on taking from him. Being a parent from Prison is extremely hard, yet many men do this everyday. It is something that takes much patients and understanding. Sharing your children with inmates is a tough thing to do and should be taken very seriously. Children are not a first letter photo, they are something that should only be shared once you have trust for the inmate you are writing to. Take your time they won't be upset if you do not feel like sharing your child in the first bunch of letters. Always have trust before you bring innocence like children into friendships.

We all have human emotions. We all show it and express it in different ways. In a way I believe Bagherra fell in love with Ariel first and then he fell in love with me. Our daughter brought us close together and quite quickly. After just 6 months we knew we were in love. Being cautious with your heart and you life is not a bad thing, it just means you are debating on what situation is best for you. Really take the time to think things through before you do it, whether it be telling an inmate you love them or even lashing out because you are mad at them. For every action there is a reaction and it can cause a domino effect on the friendship you share with your pen pals. Being in love with an inmate is not a downfall. We can not help who we love, rather we just fall and enjoy the ride. Never push someone to love you or to be with you. Let it happen naturally. This is what Bagherra and I did, it's how we made it work for so long both through the ups and the downs. For every good there is going to be bad. Between lock downs, failed appeals and no phone calls there is a ton of smiles, laughs and happy tears. Life will only move as fast as you allow it to, so take your time and enjoy the good even if everything seem to be going bad. If you are truly in love that love will always be there so never rush and always keep in mind out here time flies and in there is doesn't.

My Personal Blog

I've started a more personal blog about my day to day.

http://alookatmylifethroughmyeyes.blogspot.com/

I'll still be using this for Bagherra, however everything else will be on my other blog. Thanks :)

A Fresh Start

I find myself at a crossroads, not sure which way to turn. For those who I have allowed into my personal life you already know what is going on and for those who have not I will do my best to catch you up to the here and now. As we all know Bagherra and I have separated, things could not be repaired right now in our lives and I believe somewhere inside of me that things would never be the same if I went back. Only time can give me the answers I need, I just hope I have the patients to see this all through.

 

For those who do not know I have moved on. For the last 2 months I have gotten back together with an old 'fling' (I'm not too sure what the proper word would be), anyways this man has always been around for me and I for him. We have both always had feelings, yet never fully acted on them. Well in December we finally decided to try to see where things go, and I must admit they have gone well. At first there was a bit of drama and uncertainty, however we have seemed to smooth things out for the most part! We still bicker, as he is 2000 miles away from me. Now Bagherra knows about this man and this man knows about Bagherra, it is fair to say they both have a resentment for one another. They grew up in the same type of environment and in a way have the same mentality. I always say we must not judge one on appearances, because appearances are misleading. He treats me well and he makes me happy.

 

Now here is why I am venting into my blog. Bagherra and I have been through hell and back. Failed appeals, a SHU term and many - many lonely nights. I have always said no matter what I want Bagherra in my life, unfortunately my new man does not see eye to eye on this with me. I am going to give my man a name... We will call him Stitch. So back on track Stitch and I have not really spoken about this too much, he usually gets mad and an argument is to follow. I want to continue to write to Bagherra as a friend of course. I said to myself I can do this on a friend basis, I can put my feelings aside and help this man find his way out of the dark. Stitch thinks that Bagherra still being in my life will mess things up between him and I. The other night Stitch says to me 'Baby, what would you do if I decided to keep in touch with my ex?', in which I replied 'not going to happen, this is different circumstances'. We did not fight over this at all Stitch simply said to me 'just because they are free doesn't mean anything, what if Bagherra was to be released?'. I didn't quite understand what he was getting at, so I told him I didn't want to talk further about this...

 

Later that night it hit me why he would say that. Stitch has served time in prison as well and he knows what it's like to hope for something more when he gets home. It's not me that's the problem, it's Bagherra and some of the things he might say to try to hold on. Don't get me wrong I love Bagherra and I always will, unfortunately we have gotten to the point that our conversations lead us back around to talking about our past. I will give it time and see if he can change, however if he can not and I can not then I need to find a way to let him go. I am still in contact with Bagherra's sister so I can always get an update on what is going on in his life.

 

I am truly confused as to why this has been bothering me so much. Bagherra always told me I was trading the more for the less with him, that I deserved so much better. I shouldn't feel guilty moving on in my life, and I really don't, but I do feel guilty I may have to say goodbye to a man that I can always depend on and write to if something is troubling me. I have not taken on any other pen pals since things started going south with Bagherra and I, and it's been taking me forever to write back to the one other pen pal I have. The relationship I entered into with Bagherra took a piece of my joy from me when writing to someone locked up. That joy has not returned yet. I find myself almost wanting to back off because I am so afraid it will happen again. I shouldn't be afraid to reach out as a friend, and I know this, I know I'm in a rut and I need to crawl out of it. I made a commitment to my other pen pal and I plan on keeping it!

 

Before I wrap things up I want to say this, Bagherra and I are taking a dark turn in our letters. I understand why. Today I spoke with his sister and told her the latest and she said to me 'my mother feared this would happen'. Bagherra and I need a breather. His sister is going to try to get him to go back up on the pen pal site and I offered to pay for it and she blew that idea off very quickly. I got a very unwelcomed letter that all but called Stitch a horrible human being. I am very closed off to my personal life, so I do not allow many people in and I fear if I bring Bagherra in things will go even more south. Maybe I just need to vent my frustrations or maybe I'm looking for the light at the end of the tunnel. I know what I feel and I know that Bagherra is concerned for both myself and for Ariel. Do I let him in or do I close him out? A breather is the best step right now. I can't push forward with friendship if we can not both move together in that direction. This is tearing a hole in my heart to know I may lose my best friend. Things will work as they are supposed to.

Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in a abundance of counselors there is safety.
- Proverbs 11:14

The Latest

The last few months have been rough on me and I have neglected my blog, well I've finally gotten around to sorting everything out with Bagherra. We have decided to start over, only as friends. It's very hard on both of us, however all we know is we both want to be a part of each others lives. He sent me a letter a few days ago and it was an 'intoduction' letter. I found myself laughing hysterically, not because it was foolish, more so because I forgot what it was like to just be able to read about him and smile.

 

I have since moved on from this relationship into another. My current man is not an inmate. I told Bagherra about him a few weeks ago and for the most part he took it really well. He told me he just wants for my happiness, which is all I want for him. Where we are now, is a very good place. Many say that once the relationship sours, the free woman or man disappears, well I have not. I am here to say 'yes, my relationship failed', BUT that does not mean I have failed, nor has he. Our feelings were pure and real, he wasn't some 'inmate' playing a game. He meant it when he said 'I love you', as did I.

 

Lately I have been in contact with Bagherra's older sister, whom lives in Texas. His family knows that we can not make it work, I thought that all communication would stop, yet the other night on Facebook I said something to his sister and she replied 'you will always be my sister in law'. Those words meant more than I can say. Although Bagherra and I had a falling out everyone involved in the situation found a way to deal with it, however we all chose to deal with it together. I found another family from Bagherra and forever I will be grateful!

 

The point of this blog is to say this, although we choose to be with inmates, there is a chance that things will not work. We all take risks regardless if free or have our freedoms withheld. I will not cry myself to sleep at night, nor have pity upon myself. I will hold my head up high and say 'yes I still love my inmate', my feelings will not change. I have made a friend for life. Someone who I can always have around, someone to support me and someone I know appreciates me as much as I appreciate him. Life works as it will and everyone has a purpose. Bagherra will always be a part of me and I will never give up on him, even though we can not be together. I will still help him fight for his freedom and be the extra support he will always need.

 

I do not know my future, or if Bagherra will one day be a part of it as more than friends. However, I do know right now in my life that he has a place as a friend, as a brother and as a father to Ariel. He will always own a piece of my heart and when I think back on all the things we share I'll smile, simply because for that time I had the chance to share my best with a man who made me better, who taught me about myself and most importantly a man who put love aside or a friendship without making things 'nasty'.

 

'Moving On Is Simple, It's What You Leave Behind That Makes It So Difficult'

The End...

I told myself I would go through all the letters before I begun to talk about the end, but I can not. I never saw an end in sight this time last year, however I see it now, and it's in my rear view mirror. In all honesty sometimes people are meant to love one another, however they are not always meant to be together. Bagherra and I couldn't make this work, I'm sure he can, but I can no longer be with someone like this. If our love is meant to be it will, but right now it's not meant to be.

 

I never questioned Bagherra and the last month all I've been doing is just that. There was another girl, whom he decided to share certain details of his life with, both of them knowing I was in the picture. I can not get around this. This is harder than having "DENIED" thrown at me. Everyone has different views on being faithful and it appears to me that Bagherra and I have different views than one another. For the last year I've gone to bed alone, I have not paid any attention to men that tried to get my attention and I have not so much as lied to Bagherra. Unfortunately he couldn't return that to me.

 

I don't want to dwell on this, nor is my purpose of writing this to bash him. This was is no way a mistake. He always told me I was "Capable", it was always the one word he used to define me. He taught me that I can love and let someone in without questioning their motives. I can tell someone my deep dark secrets and not have to worry about them judging me. Bagherra opened me up to a whole new world that I never allowed myself to live before. He gave me hope, patients and a hell of a good time. In a year I allowed myself to be happy alone, but with someone. We've had our fair share of ups and downs. I've never had a single phone call, just writing on paper. Somehow in the year of doing this I learnt to cope. I learnt to see it all as face value. I had a man who would kill for me, who would die for me and a man that will always hold a part of me. I love him with everything I have, but that love I have is not enough to get us through this.  

 

Being with an inmate is never a mistake. Would I personally do it again? No, I don't think I would. 36 years - Life meant a life of loneliness, no more kids, no more cuddles and no more middle of the night laughs. It meant no hugs, no kisses, no intimacy. This is not why I wouldn't do it again. I would not do this again because of Ariel. Ariel deserves more in this life. I was raised by a single father. A man who provided me with anything I could have ever possibly needed. A man who loved me unconditionally. I was and am still my Daddy's little girl. A fathers love is like no other. It's a bond that can not be defined. I was belted when I misbehaved, but I never questioned it. I never talked back and I never cussed. I grew up with morals and values. Why? My father taught me those things.

 

This love I have will not go away over night, nor do I think it will ever just stop being there. I'll continue to keep in touch with him and help him along his way. I'll still have hope he can one day come home and start a family of his own. Somewhere where he can find his place being productive in society. I'll never wish ill feelings on him, nor will I ever talk down about him. He was good to me, but he wasn't ready for who I was. I never doubted his love nor his feelings. He is a victim of his own surroundings. He's been in a single man cell with no windows or sun for 3 years, with a ton of more time to serve in there. He made his choices. Both in Prison and out of Prison. This doesn't make him a monster. Yes, he is known as a violent person from both the cops where he's from and the people that fear him. To me he was as gentle as possible. He never pushed me, he rarely cussed, he always thanked me and he made sure he knew how much I meant to him.

 

I have not gotten emotional about this in some time and I have a flood of emotions coming back to me now. This man brought this person out of me that I've never seen before. I became better, better at accepting people into my life. We all have something in our past that mentally messes us up and I have quite a few. I learnt to let go and just let things happen. Life will work as it should and theres not a damn thing you can do to change it. The thought of not having him in my life kills me. I'm damaged to say the least. Eventually the pain will go and I will look in a more positive direction, I'll take everything I learnt from him and move forward with that. I hope we stay in touch and can learn to be friends once again.

 

Listen to me, never think of the worst when deciding to be with someone in Prison. Never try to control everything. Lay out ground rules. Allow him or her some breathing room. Let them make mistakes and try to work it out. I did try, but I couldn't allow this to go further. Life is a long time to try to trust someone whose done you wrong. Let them apologize but never be too harsh. They do have feelings. Live your life for what it's worth. Make sure whatever you do from here to the day they put you 6 feet under is worth it. Take the risks, feel the pain and bring it with you. Your pain can only make you stronger. Don't set out with bad intentions and don't play the game. Keep your head up and be on top of what your trying to take on. Most importantly love like there is no tomorrow, in the end you'll have the good memories to take with you, as they always outweigh the bad.