Finally Phone Calls

Once again it's been a long time! I am back. I'm not sure how long this will last, as I'm not overly open about my relationship. For the last 2 years Bagherra and I have been trying to work things out and it seems we have reached an amazing and happy point. It has been a very stressful couple of months, however it's all been worth it.

Bagherra was transferred, FINALLY, and we now have contact visits and phone calls. The first time he called me he was nervous. I could hear it in his voice. I was at the gym and I went into shock. I could not believe he was calling me. This single phone call brought so many memories and filled my heart with love. I know it sounds crazy, however with more communication I find it harder. He does as well. I'ts hard to say goodbye and it's hard to not want to sit and talk to one another all day - everyday. We ruin a lot of our letters because we somehow always end up talking about it. For a long time I was patient and now I want to know everything now. I must say these calls have brought us a lot closer.

He wants to talk to Ariel more. It is hard with her in school and he does not have a set schedule for calls.  We try to make one, however it doesn't work out the way we have planned. He also is going to start writing her a letter a week and for now I'll write her response, as she is not old enough to write yet. She always wants to talk to him when he calls. It is hard to explain truly who she is. She does know he's her dad, she is just too young to fully grasp that he can not come pick her up or spend time outside of prison with her.

As always our relationship is difficult and only time will tell if it's meant to be. All I know is I love this man more than I can put into words. I do not compare my relationship to other peoples relationships. Every person is different and every situation is different. A lot is different this time around, not only him truly learning from his mistake, he also got a letter about a law change and he qualifies for parole in 8 years. That's right I said EIGHT FXCKING YEARS. It may seem like ages for some of you, however for me it is a lot sooner than 26 years. 

There will always be a struggle regardless. We will always have people who can not understand why we do this and we may even have a few people who stand in our corners to support us. For the most part I'm super private because there are too many unstable people who are allowed to be on the internet. I will be writing more. I will be posting about my visits and my phone calls. I will be posting about m relationship, however as per usual I will not be posting names.

'Preparation can only take you so far, after that you've got to take a few leaps of faith' 

A Very Unexpected Friend Request

For all of you that do not know, I do write other inmates and last year I required a pen pal that was almost ready to be released. I thought his release date was not quite this soon, yet when I logged into my facebook and noticed a new friend request I realized this pen pal either had someone make him a facebook or he was released. I then looked at my inbox and it was a message from him. He was paroled early and just wanted to let me know. He also let me know the best number to reach him at and wanted to keep this friendship alive. I decided against it, however we did message back and forth a couple of times. 

I know that his head is not where it should be, as his girlfriend had left him right before he was released and never let him know what was going on. This can be very heartbreaking for someone who thought they had someone to go home to. My heart goes out to this man and I know the feeling of being betrayed by someone you thought loved you. This is why I am not going fourth with this friendship. I wished him the best of luck and told him regardless I am always a message away to try to help him through his darkest days. 

I am writing this blog because I feel so bad for him and I want him to have a future outside of those gates that held him in for so long. I want him to find a nice girl with her life together and stop looking in all the wrong places. It seemed he was just trying to fill the void in his life. After 3 weeks out he had not done anything except sleep and party, which by all means is okay as he has been locked up for a long time, yet I know the state parole board may not see eye to eye with his new and unexpected plan. We all grieve in a different way and I hope he dusts himself off and gets his id along with a job to keep his mind occupied. He has a great family structure and they love him to pieces. I am sure he will be fine, yet I still do worry for him.

As for my personal life, Bagherra and I have hit a rough patch and are slowly working through it. I have been distracted as of late with some unexpected news, however his letters of support and love have been keeping my head held high. We also celebrated Ariel's birthday last month and of course he made her a beautiful card that is now hanging in her room. We have been discussing all the possibilities of this long term relationship behind bars and weighing in the pros and cons of it all. This has been very hard on the two of us knowing his last few appeals while we've been together have failed and this most recent hit us both really hard, as we believe they didn't bother to even take it seriously. This is a life that I have entered into and for all the stress I've endured I've also shared a lot of laughs, tears and joy with Bagherra. It just seems for every denial we get a piece of us breaks away from one another. It has gotten to the point he can not write me within the first week of the denial because he is afraid of what he will write. 

Appeals are very hard to win in the state we both reside. Not many get past the board, nor do many people get a second chance. I know the Governor is trying his best to change how this state judicial system works, yet for every step forward so many prisoners have to take a step back and be put on the back burner. Bagherra is not trying to overturn his conviction. He knows he committed the crime and is willing to pay for that, yet his sentence was very steep. Many men who murder in this state get less time than what Bagherra got. He is trying to reduce his time, as the other two men that were also involved in the crime got much less of a sentence than he did. As I've looked into the crime and into the court documents I realize that Bagherra was singled out for prosecution and did receive the most time for the crime (almost double of what everyone else got). Some thing just did not add up to me. I'm sure everyone says this about their loved one behind bars, yet I truly mean there are things in the report that do not add up. Bagherra has asked me not to talk openly about this so I will leave it at that.

'It's Hard To Wait Around For Something That You Know Might Not Happen, But It's Even Harder To Give Up, When You Know It's Everything You Ever Wanted'

-Unknown

A Surprise Letter

So today I had a surprise waiting for me in my mailbox. I've been struggling with my emotions lately and feeling much weaker than I usually do... In truth it's been a bad day for me. As soon as I saw it I smiled and thought 'if anything can make my day it's what is in this letter'. As soon I walked in the door I sat down and read it. It is safe to say I am feeling giddy and happy. He knew somehow, someway I needed that push up. He knew I was feeling down without me having to tell him. I usually do not share my darkest moments with him, as I make everything seem better than what it is, although I share with him all my thoughts. 

I decided to blog about something so small because most people in relationships have feelings, I don't know the proper word or it, however it's as if one of the two somehow knows something is wrong. I missed this, I missed knowing someone knows. I missed knowing I know. I may be rambling, yet in my head this makes sense...

His last appeal failed and I refused to write to him first (this was last month) and instead I had asked questions at the end of the letter that gave it away that I knew. I did this to make it easier for him to tell me 'hey babe, it's life now.' He told me and kept it short. He also told me I could leave, that he didn't deserve me, that I should have more in life. He never stopped to realize this is what makes me happy, this is what keeps me smiling day to day and most off this is the man I fell for. He is selfless and understanding! Not all men are like this, especially guys with tough guy reputations to uphold. 

Most people still think I'm crazy, some have turned to the so called 'darkside' with me and they too feel the same way I do. Men on the inside, or even women, aren't as judgmental as the men/women out here. It's not that they are desperate and want anything, it's because when you get to know someone on a certain level you begin to feel raw emotions, once you start feeling them you can't stop them, you don't try to justify it by the way someone looks, you truly judge them by the beauty they hold within. I have pictures of Bagherra that make him look like a serial killer, I have another photo that looks like he went 10 rounds with Ali. His look is always changing in every photo, he tends to apologize when they don't give him a razor before photos, he says he looks like a chi pet! I am going on and on for a reason, let me get right to it. As we grow and being to understand where we are and what our lives consist of, looks and all that childish shxt goes away. It becomes looking for real qualities, real people and most of all someone you could spend the rest of your life with and how far you're willing to go to have your happiness.

I chose my happiness again, and I will never regret it. I also do not regret that time apart. I grew as a person, I adventured out and realized all roads will always lead back to Bagherra. My heart was always and will always be with him, regardless of how much I try to convince myself against it. He was always there, even when we were not together. This is the man I will spend forever with, the man who will always be the father of my child and the man I will always love both behind bars and out here. Nothing can change those feelings and nothing can make me change my mind. I haven't been open with anyone, besides one good friend whom I know stands beside me and helps me through the hard times. I tend to not want to over share and keep him all to myself. One piece of advice I have for anyone who has been there, wants to be where I am or even someone trying to understand why someone close to them chose this relationship, my piece of advice is this... Do not allow others in, do not trust anyone, trust only you. Make the decisions alone. If you think you need time, take the time, if he/she does not understand why, then maybe they don't understand you well enough. You are the only person who can understand your relationship, you are the only one with enough influence to make it work or make it go away. The same goes for your other half. Make sure all the decisions you make are what the TWO of you want, because in the end that is all you have.

That is my ramble for the night. I'm getting my little one to bed and I am going to curl up with my notepad and a pen and send Bagherra one of my famous love letters. Goodnight!

"It isn't possible to love and part. You will wish that is was. You can transmute love, ignore it, muddle it, but you can never pull it out of you. I know by experience that the poets are right : love is eternal."

-EM Forester

I Promise To Do Better... It's Been Far Too Long

I have been gone for so long and to be truthful I am so happy I took this break. I truly got to get all of my emotions worked out without the prying eyes of everyone else. At times in our life we try to find someone to lean on and in the end those people are the fake friends everyone warns you about. A year ago Bagherra and I broke it off and today I am happy to say we are trying all over again and we plan to tell everyone to stay the fuck out of our relationship. 

I may be emotional because I was the stupid one. I was the one that allowed others to see into my relationship and judge it. I was the one who listened to the other voices and most of all I was the one that needed to figure it out alone. With a year of no one (including Bagherra) I begun to realize those people that had called me 'unstable','fake','different',and'stupid' were the ones who were just that. I have a great life, it may not be perfect however choosing to be with Bagherra does not make me less than a person, nor does it reflect on you... It reflexes on Bagherra and I. He is the love of my life and I do know this for fact. We have had our ups and downs, yet we have always found a way to work around it.

My future is far from perfect I know this will be hard and I always know not everyone will have my back. I also know a lot of fake people will put in their two cents... I am not longer offering anyone into my relationship. I will pick back up my blog, yet I will not share any more private moments. I will give run downs and common emotions of what I am feeling, I will not allow anyone close enough to hurt Bagherra or I again. 

For all those rolling your eyes and laughing at me for making this choice, I want each and everyone of you know one thing... Life is not always what you expect it to be, you may critize me today for doing this and tomorrow you may find yourself in the same situation. Before you shake your head and stick your noses back up, if you do not like my life choices you do not have to follow them, nor do you have to agree with them. Again this is my happiness and I am not longer putting it to the side or acting like it's not big deal!

For all those who have stood in my corner you guys are the best! You have been the best support circle and the best friends a gal can ask for. I promise to keep you in the loop and update you on major things. I will continue to fight for my happiness and hopefully in the process help anyone who is in the same boat as me and are not sure the way to go!

'People Build Up Walls,

Not To Keep Others Out,

But To See Who cares Enough To Tear Them Down'

Date For Surgery

I finally have my date for surgery. It is this coming Monday at 5:30 PM. Although I do have to be at the hospital by 2:30 PM so I can do my blood work before everything begins. I am nervous and I can not lie a little afraid I won't wake up because of the anesthetic.

 

 

Check lists like that always make me nervous too. I do have piercings in my face and I do not want to take them out for my surgery, however I have been told that I have to, yet I still have to option to ask the nurse about it once I get to the hospital.

 

To be honest, I want to keep this short because I am running out of words and I have so much to do before Monday. I will be writing again on Wednesday, and just yesterday I received a letter from Bagherra, I do want to talk about it on Wednesday.

 

Again thank you to all those who stand behind me. I can not express my thanks in a blog. I can only continue to say thank you and I truly mean it.

 

"Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.”

- Winston Churchill

 

A Quick Update.

Hello!! I know I have not written in awhile. I have been super busy. I am going to give a brief update for those of you who care. I raised enough funds to get my surgery done, I want to thank everyone who contributed both emotionally and from your pockets! My pre-op is this Thursday and Friday I will be posting the paperwork and the date my surgery is. I am very blessed to have so many friends and family in my corner and I want to take a minute to thank everyone who is on my side. What I am going through is not easy, nor is it 'normal'. Not only have I been battling Cervical Cancer, I've been battling myself. At one point I was ready to throw in the towel and call it quits. This whole ordeal has defiantly had it's ups and downs. I thank God I have such amazing people around me to hold me up when I do not think I will make it mentally. Now, I am in no way saying I'm in pain constantly, almost all of the 'pain' is mental. It's a struggle to keep my thoughts positive at times and it's also a struggle to continue being poked and prodded by my doctor.

 

Just A Few Visits A Month...

 

Speaking of doctors, the doctor I found out here in Riverside is amazing and gentle, although most tests and treatment aren't as pleasant as the doctor. Dr. Santodo is an amazing M.D. He is quick and to the point. When he gave me the news he didn't try to butter it up or make it sound like I won an award rather then testing positive for cancer. My original results were supposed to be read this Thursday, however he called me in earlier. When I tested positive earlier this year it was at a stage one. I am now on a stage three, which says a lot more than I thought. It is a very aggressive cancer, and it does move quickly. Now, back to the doctor. He is rushing for me to get into surgery, so he made an appointment for this Thursday for the pre-op, by this time next month I am hoping to be cancer free and enjoying every ounce of life I am given.

 

Once again I want to thank everyone who had stuck by my side. The people who have sent there well wishes and words of encouragement. Thank you, without you I could not do this, I would never be able to face this alone. I will keep everyone updated, so on Friday I am hoping to be able to post all the dates!

 

“Anyone can give up, it’s the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that’s true strength.”

-Unknown

Letter Breakdown (06/21/2012)

I wasn't going to share this letter because its truly personal. Bagherra and I share a life. A life not many understand, yet we talk everything through. This letter was about taking a step back, well on my part. Bagherra didn't know what taking a step back meant and that he was willing to wait, yet not 'slow down'. The relationship was solely in my hands. I only have one quote:

'All I ever wanted is a woman who doesn't pretend to be more than she truly is! All I ever wanted was a wonderful mother to my child and with you I don't worry I found the greatest mother to my daughter! All I ever wanted in a woman is somebody who stands true to her beliefs! Who's feminine, and a sexy yet girly. All I ever wanted is a woman who believes in me! Who gives me an opportunity beyond what everyone else may see! All I ever wanted was to fall in love beyond a touch a woman who can share with me more than her sexy ways! Who's no intimidated by the next girl! All I ever wanted was a woman capable of truly falling in love! All I ever wanted was pretty feet, sexy legs! And a heart! A heart of gold.'

The last few letters before this were full of love, just not like they usually are. Bagherra sent me some mixed signals, well maybe he wasn't, but that's how I took it. I thought he was pushing me away because of all the conflict I had over this relationship. He wasn't, he was simply trying to get me to make the decision by myself. To be clear headed and to truly think things through. I didn't ask Bagherra what he wanted in a woman, he told me these things to clarify where he stands on this relationship. Clarity is not a bad thing, sometimes it's not what you expect it to be. At times it's a little harsh and hurtful. Remember they are not trying to hurt you, they are simply telling you how they feel. Part of a relationship is knowing what you want and how to achieve it. We cannot guess what someone else thinks, yet we can pick up on signals. We can attempt to understand another person fully, yet without asking or them telling you for sure, you will never fully understand what another person is thinking. If you need clarity ask the person, don't assume anything. Once we mature we don't necessary have a 'type', but rather attributes we want in our loved ones.

I want to keep this post short today. The quote alone wasn't much to go on or to ramble about. However when we finally find what we are looking for we hold into it and we value it. Barriers become minor and fighting for what we want comes in. Love works however it feels like. All flaws become perfections and love lives in us forever. We tend to look past the mistakes and forgive much easier. Sometimes we allow people to take advantage of us because we can't see through it. Other times we neglect those we love because we are scared. We begin to focus in the bad and lose sight of the good. We become drones and no matter what great qualities our loved one has its never enough. Then every once in awhile someone comes around that scares us more than anything. Bagherra was that person for me. For years and years I blocked it out and I pushed it away. I rejected love and ran from it. Bagherra changed that in me. He slowly crept into my heart and planted a seed, a seed that will grow forever. Not all love is meant to be felt together, sometimes it's best felt apart. Never lose sight of what matters most because I know from experience once you do when you realize the reasons why you fell you'll be asking yourself how you could let it go. How you could just simply move forward with your life. People change and sometimes people grow apart. I don't fully understand why Bagherra was in my life, however I think it was to show me the good left in the world. That people still love just to love, not because they want something. Love is not a weapon, rather its a gem, a very rare one.

'Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away.'
-Corinthians 13:4-8