A Surprise Letter

So today I had a surprise waiting for me in my mailbox. I've been struggling with my emotions lately and feeling much weaker than I usually do... In truth it's been a bad day for me. As soon as I saw it I smiled and thought 'if anything can make my day it's what is in this letter'. As soon I walked in the door I sat down and read it. It is safe to say I am feeling giddy and happy. He knew somehow, someway I needed that push up. He knew I was feeling down without me having to tell him. I usually do not share my darkest moments with him, as I make everything seem better than what it is, although I share with him all my thoughts. 

I decided to blog about something so small because most people in relationships have feelings, I don't know the proper word or it, however it's as if one of the two somehow knows something is wrong. I missed this, I missed knowing someone knows. I missed knowing I know. I may be rambling, yet in my head this makes sense...

His last appeal failed and I refused to write to him first (this was last month) and instead I had asked questions at the end of the letter that gave it away that I knew. I did this to make it easier for him to tell me 'hey babe, it's life now.' He told me and kept it short. He also told me I could leave, that he didn't deserve me, that I should have more in life. He never stopped to realize this is what makes me happy, this is what keeps me smiling day to day and most off this is the man I fell for. He is selfless and understanding! Not all men are like this, especially guys with tough guy reputations to uphold. 

Most people still think I'm crazy, some have turned to the so called 'darkside' with me and they too feel the same way I do. Men on the inside, or even women, aren't as judgmental as the men/women out here. It's not that they are desperate and want anything, it's because when you get to know someone on a certain level you begin to feel raw emotions, once you start feeling them you can't stop them, you don't try to justify it by the way someone looks, you truly judge them by the beauty they hold within. I have pictures of Bagherra that make him look like a serial killer, I have another photo that looks like he went 10 rounds with Ali. His look is always changing in every photo, he tends to apologize when they don't give him a razor before photos, he says he looks like a chi pet! I am going on and on for a reason, let me get right to it. As we grow and being to understand where we are and what our lives consist of, looks and all that childish shxt goes away. It becomes looking for real qualities, real people and most of all someone you could spend the rest of your life with and how far you're willing to go to have your happiness.

I chose my happiness again, and I will never regret it. I also do not regret that time apart. I grew as a person, I adventured out and realized all roads will always lead back to Bagherra. My heart was always and will always be with him, regardless of how much I try to convince myself against it. He was always there, even when we were not together. This is the man I will spend forever with, the man who will always be the father of my child and the man I will always love both behind bars and out here. Nothing can change those feelings and nothing can make me change my mind. I haven't been open with anyone, besides one good friend whom I know stands beside me and helps me through the hard times. I tend to not want to over share and keep him all to myself. One piece of advice I have for anyone who has been there, wants to be where I am or even someone trying to understand why someone close to them chose this relationship, my piece of advice is this... Do not allow others in, do not trust anyone, trust only you. Make the decisions alone. If you think you need time, take the time, if he/she does not understand why, then maybe they don't understand you well enough. You are the only person who can understand your relationship, you are the only one with enough influence to make it work or make it go away. The same goes for your other half. Make sure all the decisions you make are what the TWO of you want, because in the end that is all you have.

That is my ramble for the night. I'm getting my little one to bed and I am going to curl up with my notepad and a pen and send Bagherra one of my famous love letters. Goodnight!

"It isn't possible to love and part. You will wish that is was. You can transmute love, ignore it, muddle it, but you can never pull it out of you. I know by experience that the poets are right : love is eternal."

-EM Forester

A Fresh Start

I find myself at a crossroads, not sure which way to turn. For those who I have allowed into my personal life you already know what is going on and for those who have not I will do my best to catch you up to the here and now. As we all know Bagherra and I have separated, things could not be repaired right now in our lives and I believe somewhere inside of me that things would never be the same if I went back. Only time can give me the answers I need, I just hope I have the patients to see this all through.

 

For those who do not know I have moved on. For the last 2 months I have gotten back together with an old 'fling' (I'm not too sure what the proper word would be), anyways this man has always been around for me and I for him. We have both always had feelings, yet never fully acted on them. Well in December we finally decided to try to see where things go, and I must admit they have gone well. At first there was a bit of drama and uncertainty, however we have seemed to smooth things out for the most part! We still bicker, as he is 2000 miles away from me. Now Bagherra knows about this man and this man knows about Bagherra, it is fair to say they both have a resentment for one another. They grew up in the same type of environment and in a way have the same mentality. I always say we must not judge one on appearances, because appearances are misleading. He treats me well and he makes me happy.

 

Now here is why I am venting into my blog. Bagherra and I have been through hell and back. Failed appeals, a SHU term and many - many lonely nights. I have always said no matter what I want Bagherra in my life, unfortunately my new man does not see eye to eye on this with me. I am going to give my man a name... We will call him Stitch. So back on track Stitch and I have not really spoken about this too much, he usually gets mad and an argument is to follow. I want to continue to write to Bagherra as a friend of course. I said to myself I can do this on a friend basis, I can put my feelings aside and help this man find his way out of the dark. Stitch thinks that Bagherra still being in my life will mess things up between him and I. The other night Stitch says to me 'Baby, what would you do if I decided to keep in touch with my ex?', in which I replied 'not going to happen, this is different circumstances'. We did not fight over this at all Stitch simply said to me 'just because they are free doesn't mean anything, what if Bagherra was to be released?'. I didn't quite understand what he was getting at, so I told him I didn't want to talk further about this...

 

Later that night it hit me why he would say that. Stitch has served time in prison as well and he knows what it's like to hope for something more when he gets home. It's not me that's the problem, it's Bagherra and some of the things he might say to try to hold on. Don't get me wrong I love Bagherra and I always will, unfortunately we have gotten to the point that our conversations lead us back around to talking about our past. I will give it time and see if he can change, however if he can not and I can not then I need to find a way to let him go. I am still in contact with Bagherra's sister so I can always get an update on what is going on in his life.

 

I am truly confused as to why this has been bothering me so much. Bagherra always told me I was trading the more for the less with him, that I deserved so much better. I shouldn't feel guilty moving on in my life, and I really don't, but I do feel guilty I may have to say goodbye to a man that I can always depend on and write to if something is troubling me. I have not taken on any other pen pals since things started going south with Bagherra and I, and it's been taking me forever to write back to the one other pen pal I have. The relationship I entered into with Bagherra took a piece of my joy from me when writing to someone locked up. That joy has not returned yet. I find myself almost wanting to back off because I am so afraid it will happen again. I shouldn't be afraid to reach out as a friend, and I know this, I know I'm in a rut and I need to crawl out of it. I made a commitment to my other pen pal and I plan on keeping it!

 

Before I wrap things up I want to say this, Bagherra and I are taking a dark turn in our letters. I understand why. Today I spoke with his sister and told her the latest and she said to me 'my mother feared this would happen'. Bagherra and I need a breather. His sister is going to try to get him to go back up on the pen pal site and I offered to pay for it and she blew that idea off very quickly. I got a very unwelcomed letter that all but called Stitch a horrible human being. I am very closed off to my personal life, so I do not allow many people in and I fear if I bring Bagherra in things will go even more south. Maybe I just need to vent my frustrations or maybe I'm looking for the light at the end of the tunnel. I know what I feel and I know that Bagherra is concerned for both myself and for Ariel. Do I let him in or do I close him out? A breather is the best step right now. I can't push forward with friendship if we can not both move together in that direction. This is tearing a hole in my heart to know I may lose my best friend. Things will work as they are supposed to.

Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in a abundance of counselors there is safety.
- Proverbs 11:14

What Drew Me To Write

If you have not checked out www.writeaprisoner.com I encourage you to do so! This is how I met my man! I was browsing through ads and came across his. I wrote his address down and took note of wanting to write. I had concerns. Many of them. I had recently wrote to another prisoner and he was all about the game and collecting money. This in a way almost turned me away forever. However we must remember not all inmates are like this. Just because one will try to take advantage of you does not mean in any way they all will try these same games. My best advice is to go with your gut feeling. That's all we can trust. 

Moving forward, for two weeks I kept going back to his page and reading it over while still browsing other ads. My first reaction was wow he's cute... WOW he can write. His ad made me laugh, smile, and feel. He was honest about being a gang member and something about me drew me in. He had charm, charisma, values and a sense of humor. These are traits I have as well. Now I also picked him because we didn't share everything in common. I knew instantly his background and mine were completely different. We come from different walks of life. It's true what they say... "when you know, you know." Finally after much deliberation I chose to write. 

In my first letter I explained a bit about myself. My interests, the fact I have a child and that I'm a single mom. I am an accountant according to my education, however I want to go to school to help disadvantage youths find a path in life. I didn't go into too much detail, as it was the first letter and I didn't want to scare him away by putting all of my life out there. I was nervous I wouldn't receive something back. 2 weeks later I received my first letter and from there it was history.