I Promise To Do Better... It's Been Far Too Long

I have been gone for so long and to be truthful I am so happy I took this break. I truly got to get all of my emotions worked out without the prying eyes of everyone else. At times in our life we try to find someone to lean on and in the end those people are the fake friends everyone warns you about. A year ago Bagherra and I broke it off and today I am happy to say we are trying all over again and we plan to tell everyone to stay the fuck out of our relationship. 

I may be emotional because I was the stupid one. I was the one that allowed others to see into my relationship and judge it. I was the one who listened to the other voices and most of all I was the one that needed to figure it out alone. With a year of no one (including Bagherra) I begun to realize those people that had called me 'unstable','fake','different',and'stupid' were the ones who were just that. I have a great life, it may not be perfect however choosing to be with Bagherra does not make me less than a person, nor does it reflect on you... It reflexes on Bagherra and I. He is the love of my life and I do know this for fact. We have had our ups and downs, yet we have always found a way to work around it.

My future is far from perfect I know this will be hard and I always know not everyone will have my back. I also know a lot of fake people will put in their two cents... I am not longer offering anyone into my relationship. I will pick back up my blog, yet I will not share any more private moments. I will give run downs and common emotions of what I am feeling, I will not allow anyone close enough to hurt Bagherra or I again. 

For all those rolling your eyes and laughing at me for making this choice, I want each and everyone of you know one thing... Life is not always what you expect it to be, you may critize me today for doing this and tomorrow you may find yourself in the same situation. Before you shake your head and stick your noses back up, if you do not like my life choices you do not have to follow them, nor do you have to agree with them. Again this is my happiness and I am not longer putting it to the side or acting like it's not big deal!

For all those who have stood in my corner you guys are the best! You have been the best support circle and the best friends a gal can ask for. I promise to keep you in the loop and update you on major things. I will continue to fight for my happiness and hopefully in the process help anyone who is in the same boat as me and are not sure the way to go!

'People Build Up Walls,

Not To Keep Others Out,

But To See Who cares Enough To Tear Them Down'

Letter Breakdown (05/06/2012)

In this letter we spoke about what would happen if the people he loves most did not accept our relationship. Ariel's birthday had just past so we spoke on that and how much she is going. We also touched on the way we were headed and how it would be selfish of him to even ask more from me. I have 3 quotes this entry.

"These two beauties are truly my everything… Baby I’m happy to know that you feel loved and that you’re enjoying this Mary Wells song. Truly there are many songs that can describe my feelings for you but what love had joined together is stronger than anything in life!!! Oh baby you are definitely the one for me."

It still amazes me how a couple of lines can completely lift my spirit and change my attitude, even when I look back and reread all these letters I find myself feeling the same way as if I just had read it for the first time. I listen to this song almost everyday and when it plays my first thought is of Bagherra. It's funny when you love someone the smallest thing reminds you of them. I truly believe that life works in the weirdest ways. I reached out to help someone, to be a shoulder to lean on and to brightens someones day. In the end I found that myself and so much more. I found someone I could truly depend on and someone who will tell no not what I want to hear, rather their own personal thoughts. When you love someone you never try to hide the truth and you never sugar coat the truth. You are like this because you know no matter how harsh the words the love you have for that person is the reason why you are honest in the first place.

"My dear not only have you opened your mail box! But also your home and heart to me! No matter what ever happens between us you and Ariel will forever live within me and forever hold my love. I honestly don’t believe that there is another woman who can have such meaning in my life…"

The words that Bagherra says to me blows me away. He has the exact same meaning in my life. Regardless of the outcomes we've found ourselves in we both find peace in the fact we love one another. Having a relationship with someone in Prison has many ups and downs. We find ourselves clinging to letters and photos. I will always have a very special place in my heart for Bagherra. When in a relationship like this one wrong word in a sentence can cause an eruption. Always keep in mind that letters are difficult to read, so to speak, one word could have a different meaning to the inmate. When we are writing we are doing more than helping them, we are giving them a place to vent without judgment or reserves, something they do not find in Prison. Some inmates can not properly express themselves like we can, and other tend to over express. Always know your own comfort zones and be patient with men and women that have not been out here for awhile. When Bagherra talks to me like this it doesn't scare me away or make me uncomfortable. I love this man and words like these are his way of showing me how he feels.  

"I’m beyond happy to be the man who you’ve experienced this amazing feeling with, he who makes you feel this way and your first love! Knowing that you do not intent to run away from this is such a relief and exciting for me so great that I can’t even begin to explain, all that I’m certain of it that I love you and Ariel with all my heart, that I want you by my side and need you in my every day."

I've ran away from love my whole life and with Bagherra I couldn't run anywhere. I felt planted, something was different about him. Bagherra knew my fear of love and never pushed love on me. He was very patient with me and he wasn't expecting me to confess my feelings for him. Once we confessed our love things progressed between us and saying 'I love you' became an easy flow in our letters. Our letters have become more romantic and full of dreams we wish to live out together.

Many people saw this relationship between Bagherra a road to no where. When they view upon what him and I shared they saw barriers and bars. However when I look at it I see and man and a woman fighting for their love. The hardest part of a Prison relationship is dealing with those who do not understand why we do this. Many people don't even bother to take the time to understand. They truly believe a convict is just a convict. If you decide to take this jump be prepared for other who do not understand what you are going through. There are many sites for support and there are many people who are doing the same thing as you and may be able to shed some insight on what to be prepared for. Being in a relationship like this is hard. Even holding a friendship is hard, after time you will begin to feel their pain and joy. There is a certain amount of emotion you build for these inmates. A friendship or a relationship with an inmate is just like having a friendship or relationship out here. Just because they are behind bars doesn't mean they are less fortunate or not worthy of 100 percent real friendship. My word the day today is friendship. 'In everyone life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.' Regardless of someones walk of life friendship is obtainable and regular. Never believe a inmate is not worthy of 100 percent of what you have to offer. It may surprise you how they show they care!     

My Personal Blog

I've started a more personal blog about my day to day.

http://alookatmylifethroughmyeyes.blogspot.com/

I'll still be using this for Bagherra, however everything else will be on my other blog. Thanks :)

A Fresh Start

I find myself at a crossroads, not sure which way to turn. For those who I have allowed into my personal life you already know what is going on and for those who have not I will do my best to catch you up to the here and now. As we all know Bagherra and I have separated, things could not be repaired right now in our lives and I believe somewhere inside of me that things would never be the same if I went back. Only time can give me the answers I need, I just hope I have the patients to see this all through.

 

For those who do not know I have moved on. For the last 2 months I have gotten back together with an old 'fling' (I'm not too sure what the proper word would be), anyways this man has always been around for me and I for him. We have both always had feelings, yet never fully acted on them. Well in December we finally decided to try to see where things go, and I must admit they have gone well. At first there was a bit of drama and uncertainty, however we have seemed to smooth things out for the most part! We still bicker, as he is 2000 miles away from me. Now Bagherra knows about this man and this man knows about Bagherra, it is fair to say they both have a resentment for one another. They grew up in the same type of environment and in a way have the same mentality. I always say we must not judge one on appearances, because appearances are misleading. He treats me well and he makes me happy.

 

Now here is why I am venting into my blog. Bagherra and I have been through hell and back. Failed appeals, a SHU term and many - many lonely nights. I have always said no matter what I want Bagherra in my life, unfortunately my new man does not see eye to eye on this with me. I am going to give my man a name... We will call him Stitch. So back on track Stitch and I have not really spoken about this too much, he usually gets mad and an argument is to follow. I want to continue to write to Bagherra as a friend of course. I said to myself I can do this on a friend basis, I can put my feelings aside and help this man find his way out of the dark. Stitch thinks that Bagherra still being in my life will mess things up between him and I. The other night Stitch says to me 'Baby, what would you do if I decided to keep in touch with my ex?', in which I replied 'not going to happen, this is different circumstances'. We did not fight over this at all Stitch simply said to me 'just because they are free doesn't mean anything, what if Bagherra was to be released?'. I didn't quite understand what he was getting at, so I told him I didn't want to talk further about this...

 

Later that night it hit me why he would say that. Stitch has served time in prison as well and he knows what it's like to hope for something more when he gets home. It's not me that's the problem, it's Bagherra and some of the things he might say to try to hold on. Don't get me wrong I love Bagherra and I always will, unfortunately we have gotten to the point that our conversations lead us back around to talking about our past. I will give it time and see if he can change, however if he can not and I can not then I need to find a way to let him go. I am still in contact with Bagherra's sister so I can always get an update on what is going on in his life.

 

I am truly confused as to why this has been bothering me so much. Bagherra always told me I was trading the more for the less with him, that I deserved so much better. I shouldn't feel guilty moving on in my life, and I really don't, but I do feel guilty I may have to say goodbye to a man that I can always depend on and write to if something is troubling me. I have not taken on any other pen pals since things started going south with Bagherra and I, and it's been taking me forever to write back to the one other pen pal I have. The relationship I entered into with Bagherra took a piece of my joy from me when writing to someone locked up. That joy has not returned yet. I find myself almost wanting to back off because I am so afraid it will happen again. I shouldn't be afraid to reach out as a friend, and I know this, I know I'm in a rut and I need to crawl out of it. I made a commitment to my other pen pal and I plan on keeping it!

 

Before I wrap things up I want to say this, Bagherra and I are taking a dark turn in our letters. I understand why. Today I spoke with his sister and told her the latest and she said to me 'my mother feared this would happen'. Bagherra and I need a breather. His sister is going to try to get him to go back up on the pen pal site and I offered to pay for it and she blew that idea off very quickly. I got a very unwelcomed letter that all but called Stitch a horrible human being. I am very closed off to my personal life, so I do not allow many people in and I fear if I bring Bagherra in things will go even more south. Maybe I just need to vent my frustrations or maybe I'm looking for the light at the end of the tunnel. I know what I feel and I know that Bagherra is concerned for both myself and for Ariel. Do I let him in or do I close him out? A breather is the best step right now. I can't push forward with friendship if we can not both move together in that direction. This is tearing a hole in my heart to know I may lose my best friend. Things will work as they are supposed to.

Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in a abundance of counselors there is safety.
- Proverbs 11:14

The Latest

The last few months have been rough on me and I have neglected my blog, well I've finally gotten around to sorting everything out with Bagherra. We have decided to start over, only as friends. It's very hard on both of us, however all we know is we both want to be a part of each others lives. He sent me a letter a few days ago and it was an 'intoduction' letter. I found myself laughing hysterically, not because it was foolish, more so because I forgot what it was like to just be able to read about him and smile.

 

I have since moved on from this relationship into another. My current man is not an inmate. I told Bagherra about him a few weeks ago and for the most part he took it really well. He told me he just wants for my happiness, which is all I want for him. Where we are now, is a very good place. Many say that once the relationship sours, the free woman or man disappears, well I have not. I am here to say 'yes, my relationship failed', BUT that does not mean I have failed, nor has he. Our feelings were pure and real, he wasn't some 'inmate' playing a game. He meant it when he said 'I love you', as did I.

 

Lately I have been in contact with Bagherra's older sister, whom lives in Texas. His family knows that we can not make it work, I thought that all communication would stop, yet the other night on Facebook I said something to his sister and she replied 'you will always be my sister in law'. Those words meant more than I can say. Although Bagherra and I had a falling out everyone involved in the situation found a way to deal with it, however we all chose to deal with it together. I found another family from Bagherra and forever I will be grateful!

 

The point of this blog is to say this, although we choose to be with inmates, there is a chance that things will not work. We all take risks regardless if free or have our freedoms withheld. I will not cry myself to sleep at night, nor have pity upon myself. I will hold my head up high and say 'yes I still love my inmate', my feelings will not change. I have made a friend for life. Someone who I can always have around, someone to support me and someone I know appreciates me as much as I appreciate him. Life works as it will and everyone has a purpose. Bagherra will always be a part of me and I will never give up on him, even though we can not be together. I will still help him fight for his freedom and be the extra support he will always need.

 

I do not know my future, or if Bagherra will one day be a part of it as more than friends. However, I do know right now in my life that he has a place as a friend, as a brother and as a father to Ariel. He will always own a piece of my heart and when I think back on all the things we share I'll smile, simply because for that time I had the chance to share my best with a man who made me better, who taught me about myself and most importantly a man who put love aside or a friendship without making things 'nasty'.

 

'Moving On Is Simple, It's What You Leave Behind That Makes It So Difficult'

The End...

I told myself I would go through all the letters before I begun to talk about the end, but I can not. I never saw an end in sight this time last year, however I see it now, and it's in my rear view mirror. In all honesty sometimes people are meant to love one another, however they are not always meant to be together. Bagherra and I couldn't make this work, I'm sure he can, but I can no longer be with someone like this. If our love is meant to be it will, but right now it's not meant to be.

 

I never questioned Bagherra and the last month all I've been doing is just that. There was another girl, whom he decided to share certain details of his life with, both of them knowing I was in the picture. I can not get around this. This is harder than having "DENIED" thrown at me. Everyone has different views on being faithful and it appears to me that Bagherra and I have different views than one another. For the last year I've gone to bed alone, I have not paid any attention to men that tried to get my attention and I have not so much as lied to Bagherra. Unfortunately he couldn't return that to me.

 

I don't want to dwell on this, nor is my purpose of writing this to bash him. This was is no way a mistake. He always told me I was "Capable", it was always the one word he used to define me. He taught me that I can love and let someone in without questioning their motives. I can tell someone my deep dark secrets and not have to worry about them judging me. Bagherra opened me up to a whole new world that I never allowed myself to live before. He gave me hope, patients and a hell of a good time. In a year I allowed myself to be happy alone, but with someone. We've had our fair share of ups and downs. I've never had a single phone call, just writing on paper. Somehow in the year of doing this I learnt to cope. I learnt to see it all as face value. I had a man who would kill for me, who would die for me and a man that will always hold a part of me. I love him with everything I have, but that love I have is not enough to get us through this.  

 

Being with an inmate is never a mistake. Would I personally do it again? No, I don't think I would. 36 years - Life meant a life of loneliness, no more kids, no more cuddles and no more middle of the night laughs. It meant no hugs, no kisses, no intimacy. This is not why I wouldn't do it again. I would not do this again because of Ariel. Ariel deserves more in this life. I was raised by a single father. A man who provided me with anything I could have ever possibly needed. A man who loved me unconditionally. I was and am still my Daddy's little girl. A fathers love is like no other. It's a bond that can not be defined. I was belted when I misbehaved, but I never questioned it. I never talked back and I never cussed. I grew up with morals and values. Why? My father taught me those things.

 

This love I have will not go away over night, nor do I think it will ever just stop being there. I'll continue to keep in touch with him and help him along his way. I'll still have hope he can one day come home and start a family of his own. Somewhere where he can find his place being productive in society. I'll never wish ill feelings on him, nor will I ever talk down about him. He was good to me, but he wasn't ready for who I was. I never doubted his love nor his feelings. He is a victim of his own surroundings. He's been in a single man cell with no windows or sun for 3 years, with a ton of more time to serve in there. He made his choices. Both in Prison and out of Prison. This doesn't make him a monster. Yes, he is known as a violent person from both the cops where he's from and the people that fear him. To me he was as gentle as possible. He never pushed me, he rarely cussed, he always thanked me and he made sure he knew how much I meant to him.

 

I have not gotten emotional about this in some time and I have a flood of emotions coming back to me now. This man brought this person out of me that I've never seen before. I became better, better at accepting people into my life. We all have something in our past that mentally messes us up and I have quite a few. I learnt to let go and just let things happen. Life will work as it should and theres not a damn thing you can do to change it. The thought of not having him in my life kills me. I'm damaged to say the least. Eventually the pain will go and I will look in a more positive direction, I'll take everything I learnt from him and move forward with that. I hope we stay in touch and can learn to be friends once again.

 

Listen to me, never think of the worst when deciding to be with someone in Prison. Never try to control everything. Lay out ground rules. Allow him or her some breathing room. Let them make mistakes and try to work it out. I did try, but I couldn't allow this to go further. Life is a long time to try to trust someone whose done you wrong. Let them apologize but never be too harsh. They do have feelings. Live your life for what it's worth. Make sure whatever you do from here to the day they put you 6 feet under is worth it. Take the risks, feel the pain and bring it with you. Your pain can only make you stronger. Don't set out with bad intentions and don't play the game. Keep your head up and be on top of what your trying to take on. Most importantly love like there is no tomorrow, in the end you'll have the good memories to take with you, as they always outweigh the bad.

Finally What Could Be Good News For The SHU!!

Case-by-case reviews of gang-validated inmates an important step in new Security Housing Unit policy

 

 SACRAMENTO – The California Department of Corrections and Rehabilitation (CDCR) is now implementing a pilot program that will reduce long-term confinement in Security Housing Units (SHU) and overhaul the way gangs are managed. The “Security Threat Group Identification, Prevention and Management” pilot program was approved and certified by the Office of Administrative Law on October 18, 2012 and filed with the Secretary of State.  It is now the department’s official policy and enabled CDCR to begin conducting case-by-case reviews of inmates in segregated housing.

 

“The new gang management policy was developed with significant input from experts internally and throughout the nation and now includes prevention, interdiction and rehabilitation elements,” Undersecretary of Operations Terri McDonald said.  “This complex retooling of our gang management program requires considerable changes to state regulations and departmental policies and procedures. Implementing it as a pilot will improve the department’s ability to incorporate the new changes,” McDonald added.

 

Because of the magnitude of the changes and the complexity of gang management, CDCR is phasing in implementation. Phase One has begun which includes case-by-case reviews of CDCR’s existing validated gang population housed in its security housing units (SHU). The reviews will determine the appropriate placement of those inmates either in a new Step-Down Program or to general population housing. The reviews began October 25 at Pelican Bay State Prison and continue this week at other institutions.

 

“The reviews are extremely comprehensive and will take time to complete throughout the entire system,” McDonald said.

 

The term security threat group (STG) will generally replace the terms prison gang, disruptive group, and/or street gang within CDCR. The new STG policy is a behavior-based approach that focuses more on individual accountability.  Highlights include:

 

•    Incorporation of an STG prevention program for offenders during the intake process and an orientation process for validated affiliates in the Step-Down Program.

•    Recognition of the different levels of threat posed by STG members, associates and suspects, and that their housing should correspond with their respective threat level.

•    The incorporation of a weight-based point validation system which continues to require a direct link to an existing validated member or associate.

•    A new behavior-based system, which will serve to enhance the existing intelligence-based validation system.

•    A new STG behavior-based disciplinary matrix, which will provide for additional procedural due process safeguards and a system of individual accountability.

•    A new STG Classification Committee, which will provide an additional level of due process review and affirm initial STG validations.

•    STG associates – a majority of inmates housed in SHUs – will no longer be considered for direct administrative placement into a SHU based solely upon their validation to an STG unless there is a corresponding confirmed disciplinary behavior at the time of the original validation.

•    Implementation of an incremental three- to four-year Step-Down Program, which by design will replace the existing six-year inactive review process for validated STG affiliates.

•    The Step-Down Program will be an individual behavior-based program for STG affiliates that will provide graduated housing, enhanced programs and interpersonal interactions as well as corresponding privileges and personal property enhancements.

 

McDonald said Phase Two of the STG pilot program will include the implementation of the new validation process and will begin early next year. Case-by-case reviews of validated affiliates housed in smaller Administrative Segregation Units will also be implemented with the new validation system.

 

“These changes support our goals to reduce long-term SHU confinement, provide alt

ernatives for inmates who want to disassociate from a criminal gang lifestyle, maintain safety in our prisons and communities and have a more effective system that complies with national best practices,” McDonald said.

 

CDCR manages about 3,100 STG (gang) members and associates in security housing units.  About 20 percent of these offenders are validated STG members, who maintain a high level of influence over subservient street gangs and other individuals incarcerated within the prison population and represent a significant threat to the safety of others and institution security.  The remaining 80 percent are validated STG associates, who under the direction of STG members assist in carrying out illicit, disruptive, violent and/or criminal activities in the operations of these criminal organizations.

California Penal Code Section 5058.1 grants CDCR the authority to implement pilot programs. The “Security Threat Group Identification, Prevention and Management” pilot has the force of law and will expire by operation of law in two years or on October 18, 2014 unless adopted by CDCR into the California Code of Regulations using the process described by the Administrative Procedure Act.

 

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
November 8, 2012
Contact: Terry Thornton
(916) 445-4950
 

Letter Breakdown (04/29/2012)

In this letter we spoke about balance and being guarded. We spoke again about his unexpected visitor and how he could have hid it from me and I would have never know, this is a very true and also one of those reasons I never doubt Bagherra. We spoke a bit about one of my sisters who in more or less words have gotten herself lost and does not want to be found. Quotes:

 

"A few letters ago I realized that truly there is no telling where this may lead us nor how long this might last and it’s why I’ve decided that my best guard is to in every way I can tell you how I feel… sometimes you lose someone before you have the opportunity to truly say and express to them how you truly feel and with you my love I didn’t want nor will I take that chance."

 

Inmates have people that come in and out of their life for many different reasons. It seems like in the end everyone seems to "forget" about them besides a very small handful of people. Out here we lose friends by choice and in there they lose friends by distance! Some women think it's exciting to be with an inmate and are in it for the rush and other women are in it forever. They wait patiently at home and truly ride it out with their loved one. Some inmates are the ones that fuck up or push away. Regardless of the circumstances never be afraid to voice what you feel even if it means losing the person you love. Sometimes the greatest gift you can give is freedom. I knew at this point my heart was in it and I couldn't walk away. I couldn't just disappear from Bagherras life. Things had changed and were continue to change on a daily basis. I thought about it and realized I didn't have to justify why I love this man, rather I had to realize why I could see myself with a man in Prison. If you spend more time justifying you'll forget the reasons you want to be with this person. I'm not 100 percent sure on Bagherras past, nor if he's ever lost someone he loves to the walls that surround him. I've never asked that question, maybe I don't care to know, or maybe I'm afraid of the answer. What I did know was he was right, anything could happen overnight and the feelings that were building between us should be put out there. Never second guess your feelings, even if you have them and don't want to develop them into something, let the other person involved know.

 

"To be honest with you I do know a man who fits this description however his taken!!! Yep, yep, yep! His fallen in love! I tried to warn him but NO! He wouldn’t listen to words or common sense but only to what his heart is feeling!!! Tinkerbell his fallen in love with an 'Italian woman' and even though she at the moment doesn’t feel the same way! He won’t ever stop thinking of her – her meaning in his life. But I promise to help you search for your perfect man so that one day you are able to feel and experience what he is feeling today!"

 

I can not put into words what this quote makes me feel. Bagherra has an amazing sense of humor and a heart full of romance. It's hard to picture him and believe these words coming from him at times, trust me when I tell you his pictures make him look like a man that drops women as fast as he gets them. On the other hand love makes us do some crazy shit, it makes us talk funny, dream about this person, and it makes us constantly want to live for someone else. Never doubt how someone is if they don't give you a reason to! Bagherra has always been gentle and caring, he's always spoken to me like this, not always with love but with compassion. Now his grammar defiantly won't win him a spelling bee, but he gets his point across clearly. The ball is in my court, I don't have to feel the same way, but I know how Bagherra feels regardless of what changes we make. In life we hold back, we hide our feelings and we don't express ourselves properly. Then one day someone comes along and tosses everything you thought you knew aside and breaks down your protective walls! Instead of building those walls back up, get help from the loved ones you have, this way when that wall is back up the people who deserve to be in your heart are where they need to be and those who do not deserve it can stay out. Not everyone will hurt you, however we all get hurt once in awhile.

 

Instead of taking everything for granted like they once did, some inmates strive on making themselves better. With a little support they can see that this new life is better than the old one. Sometimes inmates don't have the right type of support. Sometimes family isn't enough. We can not tell our parents everything and it's nice to have someone we can vent to. By sharing all things in your life with those who mean something to you will show them how much you truly care and respect them. Change is a word I use often, so I am going to use it again now. Change comes in many forms, whether negative or positive. Those around us often influence on our change. Say if we live in a house where no one works, lives off the government, robs people and treats us poor chances are the changes in our lives will be hard to reserve. Now say we live in a home full of love, work 3 jobs to support one another, gives back to the community, and treat each other fair we will change for the better. We can not blame how we were raised as an excuse for why we are who we are. When you leave either the positive home or the negative house you have to build a house of your own with your own morals and values. Bagherra build a negative house and today he has himself a place to call home. Now, if your reading this and do not understand what I am trying to get across, you are in for a shock! Humans are not perfect, they are subjects of their environment, YET, we all make our own choices whether good or bad and at some point we DO correct it.



Letter Breakdown (04/28/2012)

Let's get started! This letter was a bit longer, not because it was filled with more, but because it was my first Spanish lesson and we spoke about a old friend of mine that still lives the lifestyle that Bagherra lived at one time. The conversation was awkward to say the least, but like everything else we got past it. In this letter it's clear to see that there was love and compassion in his writing, that he voiced his concerns about the state was thinking about moving to. We spoke about this family him and I built. How this is scary but exciting at the same time! Quotes:

 

"Hermosa believe me I do understand how difficult this type of relationship is. The rush of emotions, the worlds apart and the lack of a touch! Tinkerbell I understand what your going through because I’m going through the same emotions, the ups and owns and dealing with similar feelings."

 

This is when we realized we were at the same point in this "relationship". We were both drawn to each other and wondering what we do about it. It's not easy to make such a huge decision. Do I wait for a man that may never get out? Do I tell him I need physical touch? Or do I jump in blind and take chances. I'm sure Bagherra was thinking similar things. I couldn't imagine how crushing it is to love someone and them not love you back. I've always been the one to not love back and walk away not worrying about what the other person involved felt. Bagherra was different I did care. I wanted him around and I couldn't for the life of me figure out why! Maybe I didn't need to! I just had to let it happen. I expressed everything to him, I didn't hold back. I needed him to know how I felt and where I wanted this to go, all while being cautious. Being in love isn't always perfect, but being in love makes you take chances, it changes the way you see road blocks and it opens your heart to many other feelings. Everyone plans what they want in life and sometimes life takes a dangerous turn quickly. Some people control it and other just enjoy the ride. Even if you enjoy the ride be cautious of others feelings, know that you are not the only person involved. This is a lesson I wish I would have learnt a long time ago. There is one particular part of my life I wish I could go back and right my wrongs. I don't regret how it went, but sometimes it's too late to say I'm sorry. I'll never get a chance to tell someone I'm sorry and that had been heavy on my mind as of late. As usual I was ready to walk away and forget about who I was with, then next thing you know he's gone forever. Maybe that's a part of why I was so drawn to Bagherra, not to right my wrongs but to believe in things I never could before, things I've never allowed to feel. I was ready to walk away for one man because something in me was changing and I didn't like it. Instead of walking away from Bagherra I dealt with my feelings and I got on the ride without thinking twice. Bagherra is different than any man I've ever known. He's not afraid of his feelings and he doesn't hide them.

 

"Thank you for keeping me in your life because with you and Ariel I’m living my dream, a family, daughter and the love of my adult life. I fell in love with you but don’t let my words push you away! These are my feelings and I don’t expect anything from you…"

 

This was the first time he told me he loved me. I remember I dropped the letter and begun to shake. I was expecting feelings, I knew they were there, but love came and hit me dead in the face and left a scar. I didn't know what to do, nor what to say. I'm sure my return letter was a bunch of ramblings mixed with a concrete wall. I didn't shut down, this is also a first. I didn't change the subject as fast as I could. I knew I was headed in that direction and I didn't do a damn thing to stop it. Sure, I tried to tell myself this can't be love, that I'm sure Bagherra has loved before in Prison and it's just a common thing for them to fall in love with a girl giving them attention. Then I stopped myself and I thought I was going crazy. I was finding excuses to push this mans love away and to try to stop my feelings from being there. This is who I was a year ago. That is not who I am today. Doubts will always be there. You may not always see eye to eye and love may blind you, but if you find someone that treats you right and they are perfect in your eyes then stop making excuses and be with that person. Life never can be planned, it can't be altered to your liking! Life just happens and so does love. They say convicts have all day to think of things to say to you and to draw you in, and I'm sure that they do. However they also have all day to think about you, dream with you and want badly to be with you. Being blinded by love is one thing but being blinded with ignorance is another thing. Listen to your own voice and go with what your voice tells you. You can not control what you have never done. This is my first and I can promise last relationship with an inmate I will never go through this again. However today in my life and at this time, and probably for a long time, Bagherra is all I need. Stop going on statistics, stop letting others poison you and think for yourself. The most important decisions ultimately come from you.

 

This is the love and compassion, not all of it but a piece of it. Emotions are scary regardless of the circumstances. Emotions drive some people to do some crazy shit and not think twice about it. We've all done something for someone that we never thought we'd do in a million years. This is the process of love and how love works. Now love can not be put into words, but how we express ourselves while in love speaks loudly. Its hard to pretend you love someone when you don't, but its harder to pretend that you don't love someone when you really do. That about sums up what I was going through. A dilemma so to speak! I didn't know what the fuck was going on and I was shocked. I was more shocked that just a few months prior he was telling me a relationship like this could never happen that love is all but a myth in Prison, and now he's telling me he loves me. It's hilarious how it works and what we try to avoid hits us both. Too many people over react when love comes into play. When we get older we may miss the chance at a pure love and I knew I wasn't going to miss my chance. I had found a man I could be with for a lifetime, I found a man I could grow old with and most important I found a man that I couldn't hold back from. However you rationalize love in your head take one piece of advise. Everyone loves a good Disney movie. I for one do! However we all know love doesn't work like that there never is a happy ever after. We must always work for the happy ever after. Let me be the first to tell you that I'm living my own Fairy Tale. It's not a Disney movie, but it's my own life. I see this love as my own happy ever after. I don't have to rationalize it to you or anyone else. My love is not perfect in any way shape or form, but my love is pure enough to keep this relationship going. It's pure enough to have me thinking about a future with Bagherra. Most important and above all else it's pure enough to be my story of love, my happy ever after and my own fairy tale. Stop rationalizing love and write your own book, don't copy someone elses.



Letter Breakdown (04/25/2012)

Again, this was another short letter. I had begun teaching him my first language, which is Italian. He had to translate quite a bit of sentences that I sent him. Other than that we spoke about our family and of course the highlight of our lives... Ariel. There is only one quote today, so it'll be a short one this morning!

 

"Babe we’ve come a long way. Even though it’s only been a few months feelings are growing yet it’s sweet and sour because this means things will get more and more difficult for us! On my part I can promise you that I am willing! Willing with all my heart and soul to live this special relationship with you and Ariel regardless of the mind-struggle if we both wish and hope for the same things, cherish this special moment and holding each other’s hand together we’ll walk through this…"

 

This quote has significant meaning to me. Out here we usually build a friendship, go into a relationship, fall in love, get married and then have children. In our case we built a friendship, had a child. fell in love and then it developed into a relationship. I can not even fathom how this happened, but that's the way it went down. Everyday is a struggle for an inmate, the struggle t keep their sanity, to control what is around them, to protect themselves and most importantly to survive. Now add a relationship in there and it seems like they can not handle all they have. Bagherra separates his ways in Prison and how he is with me. We rarely mixed the two together. Our relationship does not include Prison and others in Prison. It includes Bagherra, Ariel and I. Many know of our relationship and not many understand it. Try explaining that a convict isn't just a convict. I have friends that are married with children that are jealous of the relationship I share with Bagherra. They say he's a "perfect man". I disagree... Bagherra is far from perfect, but for me he is perfect. We balance each other out. Balance is truly important. Two people with short fuses are a recipe for disaster. Two people afraid to open up are a recipe for disaster. Most importantly to people that are afraid are the worst recipe you can have. If you want this to work be level headed, think things through, never make on the spot decisions. They may cost you not only your relationship but someone that means so much to you. Voice your concerns, calm your nerves and most importantly THINK! 

 

Prisons are made to break happy homes, it's up to us that are in a relationship to fight for what you believe in, to stand beside your loved one no matter how bad things get and openly communicate with those you love. Raising children is the same concept. It is hard to have Ariel only know a photo, she has no voice reminder, no physical touch she can rely on. Women/Men out here must plant that seed not only in our minds but the minds of our children. Living a life like this will have you broken one minute and wondering why you broke the next moment. You will have a moment of weakness and tears will come. It is a part of this life. I can not begin to tell you how many times I've broken. I'm not ashamed to admit I've broken, I've thrown things and I've released built up hatred for the system. Having that release keeps my mind focused on the important things in my life. Bagherra pretty high on this list, I keep it together for him. I lean on him during times of weakness and I don't hide that side from him. He knows I'm a strong woman and capable of taking on the world by myself with very little equipment. I was raised to be independent so I don't depend on a man, instead I have a man who matches my every step, who encourages me to be better and who makes my world a better place. He is my last thought before bed and my first reminder in the morning, really everything else in between too. Find strength within the person you chose to share you life with, tell them when your feeling weak and don't be afraid to let the tears come. Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while, so that we can see life with a clearer view again. Don't ever forgot the direction your life is moving in and never forget those who help you get there. Loving someone is easy, making it work is the hardest thing to do!

Letter Breakdown (4/24/2012)

There isn't much to break down in this letter. Again it surrounds our daughters very first birthday and how I plan to celebrate it. We also touched on feelings, which if it isn't obvious already it's something we do every letter. There's also space dedicated to us telling each other how we feel. This is when I begun showing Bagherra a different side of me, a more gentle side. Quotes:

 

"Sweetheart from the beginning my intentions were to find a little company, someone to share experiences, ideas and conversation with however with you I’ve already found that and much – much more! Tinkerbell this is how I feel about you! You live in my heart and as the day passes by I think and miss you more and more! You live in my heart no matter how many times I tell myself off for allowing this to happen as a crazy man I only laugh. I laugh because I once told you that falling in love with someone it’s not about wanting to but simply something that just happens!"

 

In a relationship communication is all you have to go on. You can not depend on anything else. The physical aspect is non existent in my relationship. I don't have conjugals or visits that allow us to hold hands. If I visit it will be through glass and a phone. Last night I was looking at some things and I found myself getting annoyed. I was annoyed because so many women are not only naive to this type of relationship, but so many people instead of trying to get people to understand tell them it's a waste of time and not worth it. Now I know why Prison relationships have such a bad statistic. Believing in a relationship like this is hard enough, people shouldn't be adding to the pressure! Love happens, it knows no boundaries and doesn't discriminate. We can not help who we love, but we can chose who to be with. When you love someone it doesn't mean you have to be with them, but if you chose to you must deal with everything that comes with that person. Everyone has flaws and in order to love someone you must love their flaws. I accept Bagherra is in Prison, I do not have another choice. The negativity my relationship brings, does not bring me down. It gives me strength to know so many out here are narrow minded and do not see the bigger picture. Love is love PERIOD. Bagherra would never intentionally hurt me, or throw something stupid in my face. He's gentle and he's kind. He cares and he isn't afraid to show that side to me. You may not see that side of him, but I do. I know who I have. We are all too judgemental on others relationships. If you see someone struggling you should stop and ask yourself how you can help not how you can further beat this man or woman down!

 

"For many years you’ve been hiding your feelings and for many years I thought that I’ll never fall in love again but love came for me and today you no longer hold back your feelings! You say that I’ve impacted your life but in truth it’s you and Ariel who’ve impacted mine the two of you together for very different yet similar reasons have changed a huge part of me!!!!"

 

When your on the outside looking it, it seems Bagherra tells me the same things over and over and he does often repeat himself. This is something I have wanted to bring up for awhile. It's not him repeating himself it's him knowing what is happening to him and to us. Change can happen in many ways. It could come through death, life and love. Regardless change happens for whatever reason and that change may shock you or come as a surprise. Bagherra was not ever expecting for his priorities in Prison to change. They did, it look life and then it took love. He fell for Ariel first, which to me is understandable. A child is innocent, they are made to be loved and to give love. Then came love for me, which made us a family. I never expected Bagherra to accept Ariel, or even myself. I expected a friendship that could last and good conversation. I was hoping to pass some time and get to know him. Instead I found him. Now if your confused I'll explain. I've never looked for love nor have I wanted to feel it. I put my guards down with Bagherra because I truly didn't think that I would need them. So while I wasn't looking I found what I could never have before. Love. A feeling so deep inside of me I had to fight the urge to run scared. Bagherra never thought he's find love in Prison but love came in a envelope one day and instead of turning it away he embraced it. Love happens when you least expect it. It creeps up on you and by time you realize it's happened it's already too late. That person will always live within you.

 

I'm not sure what to say after all of that. I can say this. Letting your guard down can end in two ways. A inmate will take advantage of it, or they will embrace it and treat you kind. Never be too naive to see the negative in someone, but never hold it against them. Never throw past mistakes in someones face, instead let them talk it out. Everyone must learn and grow from our pasts. We must move forward without hesitation because of what the next person might think. We are who we are and we can not change that if we are not willing to. Allow someone into your life and share all aspects of that life with them. Not everyone will judge you and if you are afraid to be judged than you yourself must stop breaking yourself down. Without our past we would not be individuals. Yes, we have all made mistakes, and most of us have learnt from it. Today's word of the day is Judgemental. It is not for me to judge another man's life. I must judge, I must choose, I must spurn, purely for myself. For myself, alone. Before judging someone elses life take a look at your own. You have flaws and if you don't think you do than you have some maturing to do. We all must be understanding of the next persons past, present and future. We must first learn to love ourselves, to open ourselves up and to be honest with ourselves. If we can not do this, we will never accept the next person. It all begins with you and taking those steps to better yourself.