A Surprise Letter

So today I had a surprise waiting for me in my mailbox. I've been struggling with my emotions lately and feeling much weaker than I usually do... In truth it's been a bad day for me. As soon as I saw it I smiled and thought 'if anything can make my day it's what is in this letter'. As soon I walked in the door I sat down and read it. It is safe to say I am feeling giddy and happy. He knew somehow, someway I needed that push up. He knew I was feeling down without me having to tell him. I usually do not share my darkest moments with him, as I make everything seem better than what it is, although I share with him all my thoughts. 

I decided to blog about something so small because most people in relationships have feelings, I don't know the proper word or it, however it's as if one of the two somehow knows something is wrong. I missed this, I missed knowing someone knows. I missed knowing I know. I may be rambling, yet in my head this makes sense...

His last appeal failed and I refused to write to him first (this was last month) and instead I had asked questions at the end of the letter that gave it away that I knew. I did this to make it easier for him to tell me 'hey babe, it's life now.' He told me and kept it short. He also told me I could leave, that he didn't deserve me, that I should have more in life. He never stopped to realize this is what makes me happy, this is what keeps me smiling day to day and most off this is the man I fell for. He is selfless and understanding! Not all men are like this, especially guys with tough guy reputations to uphold. 

Most people still think I'm crazy, some have turned to the so called 'darkside' with me and they too feel the same way I do. Men on the inside, or even women, aren't as judgmental as the men/women out here. It's not that they are desperate and want anything, it's because when you get to know someone on a certain level you begin to feel raw emotions, once you start feeling them you can't stop them, you don't try to justify it by the way someone looks, you truly judge them by the beauty they hold within. I have pictures of Bagherra that make him look like a serial killer, I have another photo that looks like he went 10 rounds with Ali. His look is always changing in every photo, he tends to apologize when they don't give him a razor before photos, he says he looks like a chi pet! I am going on and on for a reason, let me get right to it. As we grow and being to understand where we are and what our lives consist of, looks and all that childish shxt goes away. It becomes looking for real qualities, real people and most of all someone you could spend the rest of your life with and how far you're willing to go to have your happiness.

I chose my happiness again, and I will never regret it. I also do not regret that time apart. I grew as a person, I adventured out and realized all roads will always lead back to Bagherra. My heart was always and will always be with him, regardless of how much I try to convince myself against it. He was always there, even when we were not together. This is the man I will spend forever with, the man who will always be the father of my child and the man I will always love both behind bars and out here. Nothing can change those feelings and nothing can make me change my mind. I haven't been open with anyone, besides one good friend whom I know stands beside me and helps me through the hard times. I tend to not want to over share and keep him all to myself. One piece of advice I have for anyone who has been there, wants to be where I am or even someone trying to understand why someone close to them chose this relationship, my piece of advice is this... Do not allow others in, do not trust anyone, trust only you. Make the decisions alone. If you think you need time, take the time, if he/she does not understand why, then maybe they don't understand you well enough. You are the only person who can understand your relationship, you are the only one with enough influence to make it work or make it go away. The same goes for your other half. Make sure all the decisions you make are what the TWO of you want, because in the end that is all you have.

That is my ramble for the night. I'm getting my little one to bed and I am going to curl up with my notepad and a pen and send Bagherra one of my famous love letters. Goodnight!

"It isn't possible to love and part. You will wish that is was. You can transmute love, ignore it, muddle it, but you can never pull it out of you. I know by experience that the poets are right : love is eternal."

-EM Forester

Letter Breakdown (05/20/2012)

This letter was short. In this letter he explained that he had wrote his mother to tell her about Ariel and I. This letter was all about family, both of our families. We spoke about the concerns that my family had regarding being in a relationship with Bagherra. I only have one quote:

 

'You are an amazing woman Tinkerbell and only a blind but stupid fool wouldn’t be able to see you entirely.'

 

In life sometime we are judged upon how we look and not what we hold inside. When I began writing Bagherra I gave him a very brief description of me and there were no photos. I wanted for him to see what I held inside and not how I looked. I reached out to a man incarcerated not seeking love or a relationship, rather to be a friend to someone who could use one the most. Many times the outside world will say many of us went seeking for what we now share with our inmates when in truth we all know love just happens. People decide to be together not because of their surroundings, but because we develop feelings along the way. Feelings can only be ignored for so long before someone comes out and admits they are there. We hide in the shadows because we are afraid of being judged for writing and falling for the inmates we choose to write to. Regardless of what everyone thinks know you are not alone in this journey and many people go through something very similar to what you are now experiencing. Never be afraid of your emotions and most important never suppress them.

 

Somewhere a long the way Bagherra and I saw things changing. We started writing differently and gave into what was happening right before our eyes. We never stopped to try to prevent what was happening, instead we embraced it. We took the time to know one another, who we really were instead of judging the book by its cover. Too many people think women like me write in search of what Bagherra and I share. The truth is I never wanted this, nor expected it to happen. It wasn't like this from the start. It took time for feelings to develop and friendship was born before anything else. The decisions we have made thus far were always talked about and not rushed. We never pushed one another, nor used our feelings against one another. We just let faith take its course and we enjoyed the ride. We've never allowed others to dictate our relationship, nor get in our way. Instead we joined hands and fought together to keep what we share. We never tried to justify it or make it seem easy, we simply lived our love story without input from others. We've had our ups and our downs, yet we never forgot who we are or how we feel. When what you feel is real you will know, you will fight to the death to hold it and you will cherish it because when you are in love you know no limits, boundaries or prison walls, all you know is what you feel. Run on what you know and not what others assume. Always make yourself happy over the outsiders in your life. Only you know what is best for you and somewhere along the journey you'll find your own happiness, after all if you are not happy and others are, in no way will you learn to be happy unless you fight for your happiness.

Letter Breakdown (05/04/2012)

I've decided to continue to break down letters. This may sound crazy, but I feel as though I need to continue what I started and share the full story. Never have I painted my relationship with Bagherra as perfect. Never have I tried to make it look easy. Although the relationship is over I still want to tell the rest of my story and for those who read this blog I hope you take what you can from this and possibly help your own relationship. I still have love for this man so I will never 'beat him up' or talking down about him. I still have many hurtful feelings but my love for him means more to me.

In this letter we spoke about my family, as I was just getting back from vacation with my mother and step father. Bagherra knows I hold a lot of pain towards my mother and that I don't let it out. I keep it in and he told me he would always be there to hear me out when I want to talk about it. I also sent him a ton of photos of Ariel and my beach vacation. Those are always the highlight of the letters for him. He loves photo. Now to the quotes I want to share.

"I want you to know and understand that I’ve fallen for you and Tinkerbell I’ve fallen for you hard."

These last few letters we've been confessing feelings and we knew things were about to change in a major way. The signs of conversation changing are easy to point out when you look after the excitement wears down. There was a build up to this point. I knew I had feelings and a part of me didn't want to admit it and the other half wanted to scream my emotions from rooftops. When I think of how I felt I could only imagine how Bagherra was feelings. This big bad 'cholo' is confessing an emotion that could be used against him in the place he is at. Falling for someone is the easy part, I truly believe admitting your feelings is a different story. Love can be your strongest strength and your weakest weakness. Never use love against an inmate they do feel and hurt just as we do. I always stress this point because some people truly play games and mess with peoples heads to get what they want.

"Bella bambina this wonderful relationship we hold it’s not common and most things not common in life are difficult for others to understand!! I don’t blame you friends for showing concern, in fact I encourage them. I hope you always have friends who love you and worry about you and our little princess in your life! Yet your friends are right! My freedom only comes in an envelope."

Remember Bagherra and I have not taken to jump to be together yet. Okay, maybe that's not 100 percent true, but no one has asked to take this further and make it official. There was a ton to sort out before we took that jump. I had people who stood against Bagherra and I. I had many friends who had concerns about me getting to close to a 'convict' and I had family who only saw a Mexican with gang tattoos. Usually when people give me advice I don't mind listening to it, however there was only a few people who saw beyond Bagherras appearance. Even if you're strictly platonic with your pen pal people will still have negative comments to say. They do not understand why we do this, or why we would try to help someone like a 'convict'. I can not tell you enough to never judge a book by it's cover. Just because these men are in prison doesn't mean they are horrible people. YES, they have committed crimes and YES, they may be violent crime, BUT we must remember that people do change. Everyone deserves a second chance in life and for those who reach out to inmates know what I am talking about when I say that they are made to look like monsters but they are truly compassionate people who genuinely care about us that write. Now I'm not saying all the inmates are like that, because some are out to play games for money or whatever they can get out of pen pals. Always go with your own instinct when deciding what your limits are.

"Many things have changed in my since Ariel came into my life! She’s shook my entire world! Not only did she open up my heart but made me doubt old beliefs. I always knew that I wanted to be a father but I never realized truly just how bad I wanted this."

 Bagherra didn't have a chance to have children before prison. He never knew what it was like to be a father. I share everything Ariel does with him. He's been in her life since she was 6 months old and now I am happy to say his family is in her life. I did not introduce Ariel to Bagherra right away. He knew I had a daughter, yet I never pressed her in the early letters until I grew my own trust for Bagherra. I started to notice in the letters when we begun to talk about her his whole mood in the letter would change. I always knew and still know I could always depend on Bagherra to help me with Ariel. There isn't much he can do from prison, yet he can always just listen. I know how much he loves her and he sees her as his own. This is something I never plan on taking from him. Being a parent from Prison is extremely hard, yet many men do this everyday. It is something that takes much patients and understanding. Sharing your children with inmates is a tough thing to do and should be taken very seriously. Children are not a first letter photo, they are something that should only be shared once you have trust for the inmate you are writing to. Take your time they won't be upset if you do not feel like sharing your child in the first bunch of letters. Always have trust before you bring innocence like children into friendships.

We all have human emotions. We all show it and express it in different ways. In a way I believe Bagherra fell in love with Ariel first and then he fell in love with me. Our daughter brought us close together and quite quickly. After just 6 months we knew we were in love. Being cautious with your heart and you life is not a bad thing, it just means you are debating on what situation is best for you. Really take the time to think things through before you do it, whether it be telling an inmate you love them or even lashing out because you are mad at them. For every action there is a reaction and it can cause a domino effect on the friendship you share with your pen pals. Being in love with an inmate is not a downfall. We can not help who we love, rather we just fall and enjoy the ride. Never push someone to love you or to be with you. Let it happen naturally. This is what Bagherra and I did, it's how we made it work for so long both through the ups and the downs. For every good there is going to be bad. Between lock downs, failed appeals and no phone calls there is a ton of smiles, laughs and happy tears. Life will only move as fast as you allow it to, so take your time and enjoy the good even if everything seem to be going bad. If you are truly in love that love will always be there so never rush and always keep in mind out here time flies and in there is doesn't.

My Personal Blog

I've started a more personal blog about my day to day.

http://alookatmylifethroughmyeyes.blogspot.com/

I'll still be using this for Bagherra, however everything else will be on my other blog. Thanks :)

The Latest

The last few months have been rough on me and I have neglected my blog, well I've finally gotten around to sorting everything out with Bagherra. We have decided to start over, only as friends. It's very hard on both of us, however all we know is we both want to be a part of each others lives. He sent me a letter a few days ago and it was an 'intoduction' letter. I found myself laughing hysterically, not because it was foolish, more so because I forgot what it was like to just be able to read about him and smile.

 

I have since moved on from this relationship into another. My current man is not an inmate. I told Bagherra about him a few weeks ago and for the most part he took it really well. He told me he just wants for my happiness, which is all I want for him. Where we are now, is a very good place. Many say that once the relationship sours, the free woman or man disappears, well I have not. I am here to say 'yes, my relationship failed', BUT that does not mean I have failed, nor has he. Our feelings were pure and real, he wasn't some 'inmate' playing a game. He meant it when he said 'I love you', as did I.

 

Lately I have been in contact with Bagherra's older sister, whom lives in Texas. His family knows that we can not make it work, I thought that all communication would stop, yet the other night on Facebook I said something to his sister and she replied 'you will always be my sister in law'. Those words meant more than I can say. Although Bagherra and I had a falling out everyone involved in the situation found a way to deal with it, however we all chose to deal with it together. I found another family from Bagherra and forever I will be grateful!

 

The point of this blog is to say this, although we choose to be with inmates, there is a chance that things will not work. We all take risks regardless if free or have our freedoms withheld. I will not cry myself to sleep at night, nor have pity upon myself. I will hold my head up high and say 'yes I still love my inmate', my feelings will not change. I have made a friend for life. Someone who I can always have around, someone to support me and someone I know appreciates me as much as I appreciate him. Life works as it will and everyone has a purpose. Bagherra will always be a part of me and I will never give up on him, even though we can not be together. I will still help him fight for his freedom and be the extra support he will always need.

 

I do not know my future, or if Bagherra will one day be a part of it as more than friends. However, I do know right now in my life that he has a place as a friend, as a brother and as a father to Ariel. He will always own a piece of my heart and when I think back on all the things we share I'll smile, simply because for that time I had the chance to share my best with a man who made me better, who taught me about myself and most importantly a man who put love aside or a friendship without making things 'nasty'.

 

'Moving On Is Simple, It's What You Leave Behind That Makes It So Difficult'

The End...

I told myself I would go through all the letters before I begun to talk about the end, but I can not. I never saw an end in sight this time last year, however I see it now, and it's in my rear view mirror. In all honesty sometimes people are meant to love one another, however they are not always meant to be together. Bagherra and I couldn't make this work, I'm sure he can, but I can no longer be with someone like this. If our love is meant to be it will, but right now it's not meant to be.

 

I never questioned Bagherra and the last month all I've been doing is just that. There was another girl, whom he decided to share certain details of his life with, both of them knowing I was in the picture. I can not get around this. This is harder than having "DENIED" thrown at me. Everyone has different views on being faithful and it appears to me that Bagherra and I have different views than one another. For the last year I've gone to bed alone, I have not paid any attention to men that tried to get my attention and I have not so much as lied to Bagherra. Unfortunately he couldn't return that to me.

 

I don't want to dwell on this, nor is my purpose of writing this to bash him. This was is no way a mistake. He always told me I was "Capable", it was always the one word he used to define me. He taught me that I can love and let someone in without questioning their motives. I can tell someone my deep dark secrets and not have to worry about them judging me. Bagherra opened me up to a whole new world that I never allowed myself to live before. He gave me hope, patients and a hell of a good time. In a year I allowed myself to be happy alone, but with someone. We've had our fair share of ups and downs. I've never had a single phone call, just writing on paper. Somehow in the year of doing this I learnt to cope. I learnt to see it all as face value. I had a man who would kill for me, who would die for me and a man that will always hold a part of me. I love him with everything I have, but that love I have is not enough to get us through this.  

 

Being with an inmate is never a mistake. Would I personally do it again? No, I don't think I would. 36 years - Life meant a life of loneliness, no more kids, no more cuddles and no more middle of the night laughs. It meant no hugs, no kisses, no intimacy. This is not why I wouldn't do it again. I would not do this again because of Ariel. Ariel deserves more in this life. I was raised by a single father. A man who provided me with anything I could have ever possibly needed. A man who loved me unconditionally. I was and am still my Daddy's little girl. A fathers love is like no other. It's a bond that can not be defined. I was belted when I misbehaved, but I never questioned it. I never talked back and I never cussed. I grew up with morals and values. Why? My father taught me those things.

 

This love I have will not go away over night, nor do I think it will ever just stop being there. I'll continue to keep in touch with him and help him along his way. I'll still have hope he can one day come home and start a family of his own. Somewhere where he can find his place being productive in society. I'll never wish ill feelings on him, nor will I ever talk down about him. He was good to me, but he wasn't ready for who I was. I never doubted his love nor his feelings. He is a victim of his own surroundings. He's been in a single man cell with no windows or sun for 3 years, with a ton of more time to serve in there. He made his choices. Both in Prison and out of Prison. This doesn't make him a monster. Yes, he is known as a violent person from both the cops where he's from and the people that fear him. To me he was as gentle as possible. He never pushed me, he rarely cussed, he always thanked me and he made sure he knew how much I meant to him.

 

I have not gotten emotional about this in some time and I have a flood of emotions coming back to me now. This man brought this person out of me that I've never seen before. I became better, better at accepting people into my life. We all have something in our past that mentally messes us up and I have quite a few. I learnt to let go and just let things happen. Life will work as it should and theres not a damn thing you can do to change it. The thought of not having him in my life kills me. I'm damaged to say the least. Eventually the pain will go and I will look in a more positive direction, I'll take everything I learnt from him and move forward with that. I hope we stay in touch and can learn to be friends once again.

 

Listen to me, never think of the worst when deciding to be with someone in Prison. Never try to control everything. Lay out ground rules. Allow him or her some breathing room. Let them make mistakes and try to work it out. I did try, but I couldn't allow this to go further. Life is a long time to try to trust someone whose done you wrong. Let them apologize but never be too harsh. They do have feelings. Live your life for what it's worth. Make sure whatever you do from here to the day they put you 6 feet under is worth it. Take the risks, feel the pain and bring it with you. Your pain can only make you stronger. Don't set out with bad intentions and don't play the game. Keep your head up and be on top of what your trying to take on. Most importantly love like there is no tomorrow, in the end you'll have the good memories to take with you, as they always outweigh the bad.

Finally What Could Be Good News For The SHU!!

Case-by-case reviews of gang-validated inmates an important step in new Security Housing Unit policy

 

 SACRAMENTO – The California Department of Corrections and Rehabilitation (CDCR) is now implementing a pilot program that will reduce long-term confinement in Security Housing Units (SHU) and overhaul the way gangs are managed. The “Security Threat Group Identification, Prevention and Management” pilot program was approved and certified by the Office of Administrative Law on October 18, 2012 and filed with the Secretary of State.  It is now the department’s official policy and enabled CDCR to begin conducting case-by-case reviews of inmates in segregated housing.

 

“The new gang management policy was developed with significant input from experts internally and throughout the nation and now includes prevention, interdiction and rehabilitation elements,” Undersecretary of Operations Terri McDonald said.  “This complex retooling of our gang management program requires considerable changes to state regulations and departmental policies and procedures. Implementing it as a pilot will improve the department’s ability to incorporate the new changes,” McDonald added.

 

Because of the magnitude of the changes and the complexity of gang management, CDCR is phasing in implementation. Phase One has begun which includes case-by-case reviews of CDCR’s existing validated gang population housed in its security housing units (SHU). The reviews will determine the appropriate placement of those inmates either in a new Step-Down Program or to general population housing. The reviews began October 25 at Pelican Bay State Prison and continue this week at other institutions.

 

“The reviews are extremely comprehensive and will take time to complete throughout the entire system,” McDonald said.

 

The term security threat group (STG) will generally replace the terms prison gang, disruptive group, and/or street gang within CDCR. The new STG policy is a behavior-based approach that focuses more on individual accountability.  Highlights include:

 

•    Incorporation of an STG prevention program for offenders during the intake process and an orientation process for validated affiliates in the Step-Down Program.

•    Recognition of the different levels of threat posed by STG members, associates and suspects, and that their housing should correspond with their respective threat level.

•    The incorporation of a weight-based point validation system which continues to require a direct link to an existing validated member or associate.

•    A new behavior-based system, which will serve to enhance the existing intelligence-based validation system.

•    A new STG behavior-based disciplinary matrix, which will provide for additional procedural due process safeguards and a system of individual accountability.

•    A new STG Classification Committee, which will provide an additional level of due process review and affirm initial STG validations.

•    STG associates – a majority of inmates housed in SHUs – will no longer be considered for direct administrative placement into a SHU based solely upon their validation to an STG unless there is a corresponding confirmed disciplinary behavior at the time of the original validation.

•    Implementation of an incremental three- to four-year Step-Down Program, which by design will replace the existing six-year inactive review process for validated STG affiliates.

•    The Step-Down Program will be an individual behavior-based program for STG affiliates that will provide graduated housing, enhanced programs and interpersonal interactions as well as corresponding privileges and personal property enhancements.

 

McDonald said Phase Two of the STG pilot program will include the implementation of the new validation process and will begin early next year. Case-by-case reviews of validated affiliates housed in smaller Administrative Segregation Units will also be implemented with the new validation system.

 

“These changes support our goals to reduce long-term SHU confinement, provide alt

ernatives for inmates who want to disassociate from a criminal gang lifestyle, maintain safety in our prisons and communities and have a more effective system that complies with national best practices,” McDonald said.

 

CDCR manages about 3,100 STG (gang) members and associates in security housing units.  About 20 percent of these offenders are validated STG members, who maintain a high level of influence over subservient street gangs and other individuals incarcerated within the prison population and represent a significant threat to the safety of others and institution security.  The remaining 80 percent are validated STG associates, who under the direction of STG members assist in carrying out illicit, disruptive, violent and/or criminal activities in the operations of these criminal organizations.

California Penal Code Section 5058.1 grants CDCR the authority to implement pilot programs. The “Security Threat Group Identification, Prevention and Management” pilot has the force of law and will expire by operation of law in two years or on October 18, 2014 unless adopted by CDCR into the California Code of Regulations using the process described by the Administrative Procedure Act.

 

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
November 8, 2012
Contact: Terry Thornton
(916) 445-4950
 

Letter Breakdown (04/29/2012)

In this letter we spoke about balance and being guarded. We spoke again about his unexpected visitor and how he could have hid it from me and I would have never know, this is a very true and also one of those reasons I never doubt Bagherra. We spoke a bit about one of my sisters who in more or less words have gotten herself lost and does not want to be found. Quotes:

 

"A few letters ago I realized that truly there is no telling where this may lead us nor how long this might last and it’s why I’ve decided that my best guard is to in every way I can tell you how I feel… sometimes you lose someone before you have the opportunity to truly say and express to them how you truly feel and with you my love I didn’t want nor will I take that chance."

 

Inmates have people that come in and out of their life for many different reasons. It seems like in the end everyone seems to "forget" about them besides a very small handful of people. Out here we lose friends by choice and in there they lose friends by distance! Some women think it's exciting to be with an inmate and are in it for the rush and other women are in it forever. They wait patiently at home and truly ride it out with their loved one. Some inmates are the ones that fuck up or push away. Regardless of the circumstances never be afraid to voice what you feel even if it means losing the person you love. Sometimes the greatest gift you can give is freedom. I knew at this point my heart was in it and I couldn't walk away. I couldn't just disappear from Bagherras life. Things had changed and were continue to change on a daily basis. I thought about it and realized I didn't have to justify why I love this man, rather I had to realize why I could see myself with a man in Prison. If you spend more time justifying you'll forget the reasons you want to be with this person. I'm not 100 percent sure on Bagherras past, nor if he's ever lost someone he loves to the walls that surround him. I've never asked that question, maybe I don't care to know, or maybe I'm afraid of the answer. What I did know was he was right, anything could happen overnight and the feelings that were building between us should be put out there. Never second guess your feelings, even if you have them and don't want to develop them into something, let the other person involved know.

 

"To be honest with you I do know a man who fits this description however his taken!!! Yep, yep, yep! His fallen in love! I tried to warn him but NO! He wouldn’t listen to words or common sense but only to what his heart is feeling!!! Tinkerbell his fallen in love with an 'Italian woman' and even though she at the moment doesn’t feel the same way! He won’t ever stop thinking of her – her meaning in his life. But I promise to help you search for your perfect man so that one day you are able to feel and experience what he is feeling today!"

 

I can not put into words what this quote makes me feel. Bagherra has an amazing sense of humor and a heart full of romance. It's hard to picture him and believe these words coming from him at times, trust me when I tell you his pictures make him look like a man that drops women as fast as he gets them. On the other hand love makes us do some crazy shit, it makes us talk funny, dream about this person, and it makes us constantly want to live for someone else. Never doubt how someone is if they don't give you a reason to! Bagherra has always been gentle and caring, he's always spoken to me like this, not always with love but with compassion. Now his grammar defiantly won't win him a spelling bee, but he gets his point across clearly. The ball is in my court, I don't have to feel the same way, but I know how Bagherra feels regardless of what changes we make. In life we hold back, we hide our feelings and we don't express ourselves properly. Then one day someone comes along and tosses everything you thought you knew aside and breaks down your protective walls! Instead of building those walls back up, get help from the loved ones you have, this way when that wall is back up the people who deserve to be in your heart are where they need to be and those who do not deserve it can stay out. Not everyone will hurt you, however we all get hurt once in awhile.

 

Instead of taking everything for granted like they once did, some inmates strive on making themselves better. With a little support they can see that this new life is better than the old one. Sometimes inmates don't have the right type of support. Sometimes family isn't enough. We can not tell our parents everything and it's nice to have someone we can vent to. By sharing all things in your life with those who mean something to you will show them how much you truly care and respect them. Change is a word I use often, so I am going to use it again now. Change comes in many forms, whether negative or positive. Those around us often influence on our change. Say if we live in a house where no one works, lives off the government, robs people and treats us poor chances are the changes in our lives will be hard to reserve. Now say we live in a home full of love, work 3 jobs to support one another, gives back to the community, and treat each other fair we will change for the better. We can not blame how we were raised as an excuse for why we are who we are. When you leave either the positive home or the negative house you have to build a house of your own with your own morals and values. Bagherra build a negative house and today he has himself a place to call home. Now, if your reading this and do not understand what I am trying to get across, you are in for a shock! Humans are not perfect, they are subjects of their environment, YET, we all make our own choices whether good or bad and at some point we DO correct it.



Letter Breakdown (04/28/2012)

Let's get started! This letter was a bit longer, not because it was filled with more, but because it was my first Spanish lesson and we spoke about a old friend of mine that still lives the lifestyle that Bagherra lived at one time. The conversation was awkward to say the least, but like everything else we got past it. In this letter it's clear to see that there was love and compassion in his writing, that he voiced his concerns about the state was thinking about moving to. We spoke about this family him and I built. How this is scary but exciting at the same time! Quotes:

 

"Hermosa believe me I do understand how difficult this type of relationship is. The rush of emotions, the worlds apart and the lack of a touch! Tinkerbell I understand what your going through because I’m going through the same emotions, the ups and owns and dealing with similar feelings."

 

This is when we realized we were at the same point in this "relationship". We were both drawn to each other and wondering what we do about it. It's not easy to make such a huge decision. Do I wait for a man that may never get out? Do I tell him I need physical touch? Or do I jump in blind and take chances. I'm sure Bagherra was thinking similar things. I couldn't imagine how crushing it is to love someone and them not love you back. I've always been the one to not love back and walk away not worrying about what the other person involved felt. Bagherra was different I did care. I wanted him around and I couldn't for the life of me figure out why! Maybe I didn't need to! I just had to let it happen. I expressed everything to him, I didn't hold back. I needed him to know how I felt and where I wanted this to go, all while being cautious. Being in love isn't always perfect, but being in love makes you take chances, it changes the way you see road blocks and it opens your heart to many other feelings. Everyone plans what they want in life and sometimes life takes a dangerous turn quickly. Some people control it and other just enjoy the ride. Even if you enjoy the ride be cautious of others feelings, know that you are not the only person involved. This is a lesson I wish I would have learnt a long time ago. There is one particular part of my life I wish I could go back and right my wrongs. I don't regret how it went, but sometimes it's too late to say I'm sorry. I'll never get a chance to tell someone I'm sorry and that had been heavy on my mind as of late. As usual I was ready to walk away and forget about who I was with, then next thing you know he's gone forever. Maybe that's a part of why I was so drawn to Bagherra, not to right my wrongs but to believe in things I never could before, things I've never allowed to feel. I was ready to walk away for one man because something in me was changing and I didn't like it. Instead of walking away from Bagherra I dealt with my feelings and I got on the ride without thinking twice. Bagherra is different than any man I've ever known. He's not afraid of his feelings and he doesn't hide them.

 

"Thank you for keeping me in your life because with you and Ariel I’m living my dream, a family, daughter and the love of my adult life. I fell in love with you but don’t let my words push you away! These are my feelings and I don’t expect anything from you…"

 

This was the first time he told me he loved me. I remember I dropped the letter and begun to shake. I was expecting feelings, I knew they were there, but love came and hit me dead in the face and left a scar. I didn't know what to do, nor what to say. I'm sure my return letter was a bunch of ramblings mixed with a concrete wall. I didn't shut down, this is also a first. I didn't change the subject as fast as I could. I knew I was headed in that direction and I didn't do a damn thing to stop it. Sure, I tried to tell myself this can't be love, that I'm sure Bagherra has loved before in Prison and it's just a common thing for them to fall in love with a girl giving them attention. Then I stopped myself and I thought I was going crazy. I was finding excuses to push this mans love away and to try to stop my feelings from being there. This is who I was a year ago. That is not who I am today. Doubts will always be there. You may not always see eye to eye and love may blind you, but if you find someone that treats you right and they are perfect in your eyes then stop making excuses and be with that person. Life never can be planned, it can't be altered to your liking! Life just happens and so does love. They say convicts have all day to think of things to say to you and to draw you in, and I'm sure that they do. However they also have all day to think about you, dream with you and want badly to be with you. Being blinded by love is one thing but being blinded with ignorance is another thing. Listen to your own voice and go with what your voice tells you. You can not control what you have never done. This is my first and I can promise last relationship with an inmate I will never go through this again. However today in my life and at this time, and probably for a long time, Bagherra is all I need. Stop going on statistics, stop letting others poison you and think for yourself. The most important decisions ultimately come from you.

 

This is the love and compassion, not all of it but a piece of it. Emotions are scary regardless of the circumstances. Emotions drive some people to do some crazy shit and not think twice about it. We've all done something for someone that we never thought we'd do in a million years. This is the process of love and how love works. Now love can not be put into words, but how we express ourselves while in love speaks loudly. Its hard to pretend you love someone when you don't, but its harder to pretend that you don't love someone when you really do. That about sums up what I was going through. A dilemma so to speak! I didn't know what the fuck was going on and I was shocked. I was more shocked that just a few months prior he was telling me a relationship like this could never happen that love is all but a myth in Prison, and now he's telling me he loves me. It's hilarious how it works and what we try to avoid hits us both. Too many people over react when love comes into play. When we get older we may miss the chance at a pure love and I knew I wasn't going to miss my chance. I had found a man I could be with for a lifetime, I found a man I could grow old with and most important I found a man that I couldn't hold back from. However you rationalize love in your head take one piece of advise. Everyone loves a good Disney movie. I for one do! However we all know love doesn't work like that there never is a happy ever after. We must always work for the happy ever after. Let me be the first to tell you that I'm living my own Fairy Tale. It's not a Disney movie, but it's my own life. I see this love as my own happy ever after. I don't have to rationalize it to you or anyone else. My love is not perfect in any way shape or form, but my love is pure enough to keep this relationship going. It's pure enough to have me thinking about a future with Bagherra. Most important and above all else it's pure enough to be my story of love, my happy ever after and my own fairy tale. Stop rationalizing love and write your own book, don't copy someone elses.



Letter Breakdown (04/25/2012)

Again, this was another short letter. I had begun teaching him my first language, which is Italian. He had to translate quite a bit of sentences that I sent him. Other than that we spoke about our family and of course the highlight of our lives... Ariel. There is only one quote today, so it'll be a short one this morning!

 

"Babe we’ve come a long way. Even though it’s only been a few months feelings are growing yet it’s sweet and sour because this means things will get more and more difficult for us! On my part I can promise you that I am willing! Willing with all my heart and soul to live this special relationship with you and Ariel regardless of the mind-struggle if we both wish and hope for the same things, cherish this special moment and holding each other’s hand together we’ll walk through this…"

 

This quote has significant meaning to me. Out here we usually build a friendship, go into a relationship, fall in love, get married and then have children. In our case we built a friendship, had a child. fell in love and then it developed into a relationship. I can not even fathom how this happened, but that's the way it went down. Everyday is a struggle for an inmate, the struggle t keep their sanity, to control what is around them, to protect themselves and most importantly to survive. Now add a relationship in there and it seems like they can not handle all they have. Bagherra separates his ways in Prison and how he is with me. We rarely mixed the two together. Our relationship does not include Prison and others in Prison. It includes Bagherra, Ariel and I. Many know of our relationship and not many understand it. Try explaining that a convict isn't just a convict. I have friends that are married with children that are jealous of the relationship I share with Bagherra. They say he's a "perfect man". I disagree... Bagherra is far from perfect, but for me he is perfect. We balance each other out. Balance is truly important. Two people with short fuses are a recipe for disaster. Two people afraid to open up are a recipe for disaster. Most importantly to people that are afraid are the worst recipe you can have. If you want this to work be level headed, think things through, never make on the spot decisions. They may cost you not only your relationship but someone that means so much to you. Voice your concerns, calm your nerves and most importantly THINK! 

 

Prisons are made to break happy homes, it's up to us that are in a relationship to fight for what you believe in, to stand beside your loved one no matter how bad things get and openly communicate with those you love. Raising children is the same concept. It is hard to have Ariel only know a photo, she has no voice reminder, no physical touch she can rely on. Women/Men out here must plant that seed not only in our minds but the minds of our children. Living a life like this will have you broken one minute and wondering why you broke the next moment. You will have a moment of weakness and tears will come. It is a part of this life. I can not begin to tell you how many times I've broken. I'm not ashamed to admit I've broken, I've thrown things and I've released built up hatred for the system. Having that release keeps my mind focused on the important things in my life. Bagherra pretty high on this list, I keep it together for him. I lean on him during times of weakness and I don't hide that side from him. He knows I'm a strong woman and capable of taking on the world by myself with very little equipment. I was raised to be independent so I don't depend on a man, instead I have a man who matches my every step, who encourages me to be better and who makes my world a better place. He is my last thought before bed and my first reminder in the morning, really everything else in between too. Find strength within the person you chose to share you life with, tell them when your feeling weak and don't be afraid to let the tears come. Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while, so that we can see life with a clearer view again. Don't ever forgot the direction your life is moving in and never forget those who help you get there. Loving someone is easy, making it work is the hardest thing to do!

Letter Breakdown (4/24/2012)

There isn't much to break down in this letter. Again it surrounds our daughters very first birthday and how I plan to celebrate it. We also touched on feelings, which if it isn't obvious already it's something we do every letter. There's also space dedicated to us telling each other how we feel. This is when I begun showing Bagherra a different side of me, a more gentle side. Quotes:

 

"Sweetheart from the beginning my intentions were to find a little company, someone to share experiences, ideas and conversation with however with you I’ve already found that and much – much more! Tinkerbell this is how I feel about you! You live in my heart and as the day passes by I think and miss you more and more! You live in my heart no matter how many times I tell myself off for allowing this to happen as a crazy man I only laugh. I laugh because I once told you that falling in love with someone it’s not about wanting to but simply something that just happens!"

 

In a relationship communication is all you have to go on. You can not depend on anything else. The physical aspect is non existent in my relationship. I don't have conjugals or visits that allow us to hold hands. If I visit it will be through glass and a phone. Last night I was looking at some things and I found myself getting annoyed. I was annoyed because so many women are not only naive to this type of relationship, but so many people instead of trying to get people to understand tell them it's a waste of time and not worth it. Now I know why Prison relationships have such a bad statistic. Believing in a relationship like this is hard enough, people shouldn't be adding to the pressure! Love happens, it knows no boundaries and doesn't discriminate. We can not help who we love, but we can chose who to be with. When you love someone it doesn't mean you have to be with them, but if you chose to you must deal with everything that comes with that person. Everyone has flaws and in order to love someone you must love their flaws. I accept Bagherra is in Prison, I do not have another choice. The negativity my relationship brings, does not bring me down. It gives me strength to know so many out here are narrow minded and do not see the bigger picture. Love is love PERIOD. Bagherra would never intentionally hurt me, or throw something stupid in my face. He's gentle and he's kind. He cares and he isn't afraid to show that side to me. You may not see that side of him, but I do. I know who I have. We are all too judgemental on others relationships. If you see someone struggling you should stop and ask yourself how you can help not how you can further beat this man or woman down!

 

"For many years you’ve been hiding your feelings and for many years I thought that I’ll never fall in love again but love came for me and today you no longer hold back your feelings! You say that I’ve impacted your life but in truth it’s you and Ariel who’ve impacted mine the two of you together for very different yet similar reasons have changed a huge part of me!!!!"

 

When your on the outside looking it, it seems Bagherra tells me the same things over and over and he does often repeat himself. This is something I have wanted to bring up for awhile. It's not him repeating himself it's him knowing what is happening to him and to us. Change can happen in many ways. It could come through death, life and love. Regardless change happens for whatever reason and that change may shock you or come as a surprise. Bagherra was not ever expecting for his priorities in Prison to change. They did, it look life and then it took love. He fell for Ariel first, which to me is understandable. A child is innocent, they are made to be loved and to give love. Then came love for me, which made us a family. I never expected Bagherra to accept Ariel, or even myself. I expected a friendship that could last and good conversation. I was hoping to pass some time and get to know him. Instead I found him. Now if your confused I'll explain. I've never looked for love nor have I wanted to feel it. I put my guards down with Bagherra because I truly didn't think that I would need them. So while I wasn't looking I found what I could never have before. Love. A feeling so deep inside of me I had to fight the urge to run scared. Bagherra never thought he's find love in Prison but love came in a envelope one day and instead of turning it away he embraced it. Love happens when you least expect it. It creeps up on you and by time you realize it's happened it's already too late. That person will always live within you.

 

I'm not sure what to say after all of that. I can say this. Letting your guard down can end in two ways. A inmate will take advantage of it, or they will embrace it and treat you kind. Never be too naive to see the negative in someone, but never hold it against them. Never throw past mistakes in someones face, instead let them talk it out. Everyone must learn and grow from our pasts. We must move forward without hesitation because of what the next person might think. We are who we are and we can not change that if we are not willing to. Allow someone into your life and share all aspects of that life with them. Not everyone will judge you and if you are afraid to be judged than you yourself must stop breaking yourself down. Without our past we would not be individuals. Yes, we have all made mistakes, and most of us have learnt from it. Today's word of the day is Judgemental. It is not for me to judge another man's life. I must judge, I must choose, I must spurn, purely for myself. For myself, alone. Before judging someone elses life take a look at your own. You have flaws and if you don't think you do than you have some maturing to do. We all must be understanding of the next persons past, present and future. We must first learn to love ourselves, to open ourselves up and to be honest with ourselves. If we can not do this, we will never accept the next person. It all begins with you and taking those steps to better yourself.

Letter Breakdown (04/19/2012)

This letter we spoke more about the feelings developing between the two of us. We also spoke on one of his pass times, which is helping others with appeals. He found something similar to his case and is hoping that this will knock off sometime on his sentence. Our daughters first birthday was right around the corner and she seemed to be a lot of the focus as well! Let's get to the quotes.

 

"Hermosa I’m sorry if my words at times confuse you therefore I’ll be completely clear today – by your quick wit and charm I am impressed! By your beautiful green eyes and tiny body I am obsessed! By the thought and wish of your love I am possessed! There are many feelings pounding deep within my heart! Feelings so strong telling me that love is growing fast! Song dedication! From me to you! What love has joined together by Mary Wells"

 

For those who have never heard this song I will post the link to the youtube video for it... ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oYpBg6N7tG ). Now moving froward to the quote. I come back to that word clarity... Sometimes we take words wrong and are not sure what to make of them. If I am ever confused I let Bagherra know that. He always answers back with what he initially meant. I try not too take his words for face value. This all lead up the the initial I love you. This build up meant to me it was coming soon and it was too late to control things, or to walk away. For those women who are blinded and think that a friendship is JUST  a friendship, look for the signs. If your not looking for a relationship make sure in the beginning you don't allow the little things to become a big thing. Love happens and so does heartbreaks, but don't drag someone along just to tell them you can't give them more. Inmates still feel like we do and they can still feel pain for the loss of you. We are here for support and friendship and if your not willing to turn it to more, don't just avoid the romance. Hit it head on and stop it before it gets to far. Don't be a bitch about it neither. Let them down gently. Everyone deserves that respect.

 

"Hermosa your amazing, for you to tell me that I’m your one exception, for you to share with me Ariel and your heart the two most precious parts of your life means the world to me! Sweetie of course we are in this together! And if I don’t feel the same as you right this moment it’s only because my feelings for you were planted sooner then yours and today are growing and growing faster…"

 

There is the lead up crash! No, he did not say I love you, however what do you think he said "Oh it's nice I'm your friend and you care for me"? Read between the lines. Giving your heart to a man or woman that is free is no different than giving it to a man or woman behind bars. There is so many things that could happen, things might not work out, other people may interfere, or time will just tear you apart. Logical any relationship with an inmate sounds crazy and may just be a fucked up decision. However there is so much proof that it's not. It's something that is pure. Not being able to touch the person you love, or go to sleep with them, or to call them when you want takes strength. It takes a mentality some people do not understand. Bagherra will forever be my one exception in my life. I'm not one to hold on or to love, but something in Bagherra wanted me to be that person. the person that can share my life with someone. The person that doesn't hold back from fear but allows fear to push me forward. Getting over fears in life will always be an obstacle. Loving someone is never a mistake. It is something that has to be real. It can't be an obsession or a joke. Don't let your own games and drama get yourself twisted. Be open minded and be real. If you can not handle a relationship with someone in Prison don't be in one.

 

My relationship is far from normal. Even the beginning stages are not like usual. Before we even had a committed relationship we had developed love. We had worked all our fears out and begun to fear new things. I could not imagine my tomorrow without Bagherra and I don't want to. I do have a back up plan in case things go south. I am focused on my own life. However I include Bagherra in my life and together we plan for a future. He knows what I want from life and how I plan to get it. I want him to be a part of it. So my back up plan is not another man, my back up plan is going through with the things I want, such as more schooling, moving to another state etc, all while bringing a part of Bagherra with me. Some women and men completely shut down in a relationship like this. I can not. Even when Bagherra and I had feelings I knew I was free to see other people, now I didn't but I always knew that was an option, however I decided I wanted to see where this went. If you see your views changing on men/women out here than maybe it's time to take that next step with your inmate. Maybe it's time to cut the bullshit and come out with how you feel. I will never put everything in my life on hold for Bagherra, instead I will include him in everything I do. I don't have wandering eyes or hands. I know what I have and Bagherra is more than worth the wait. Remember when getting involved you can't just think of it as "Well he will never know", your right he won't, but it will tear you up inside and sooner or later it will come out. It takes courage to admit your cheated, but instead of cheating don't put yourself in a situation like that. If this type of relationship is over bearing be honest about it. If it's meant to be it will be, and if it's not don't force it. Now I'm not saying all women that cheat don't deserve the man they have, but I've never been one to cheat and I won't start because my man is locked up. Some women are different than me and you are who you are at the end of the day what you have and what you allow in your relationship is up to you. Don't let my boundaries be your boundaries, but make sure you have boundaries to begin with.

Letter Breakdown (04/16/2012)

To quickly break this letter down we spoke about what road Bagherra and I should take, whether we should allow our feelings to develop or to let them go, while letting each other go. There is one part that had my eyes slanting and my anger rushing. Just like everything else we both had our say and at the end of the day we worked it out. It's clear even in this letter than we had become more than friends, we just hadn't taken that step yet. Onto the quotes:

 

"That it’s never crossed my mind that I’ll find in prison what I didn’t find as a free man, to become a father from within these walls and to think of, dream and hope with a woman as much as I do with you."

 

We all only allow those in our lives that we think should be in there. When beginning this journey I went in with an open mind, not quite open to a relationship, but an open mind none the less! To go back and see everything develop assures me that I did see it coming and I chose to ignore what could potentially happen. Bagherra by this point had meant a lot to me. His words always had a meaning in my life. This quote always makes me feel like a school girl. I found someone so special, and I can honestly say most people want this type of man free or not. He proves each and every letter why I am special to him, why he feels for me and how his life has changed since I came into it. It's not everyday someone can say they found true love and it's not everyday someone will tell you their true love is locked up. While I'm living this life. The smallest things are what make the most impact in our lives. How Bagherra expresses himself is why I find myself where I am today. A small quote like this is an eye openers. It's a confession in it's own ways. We all have dreams, fantasies and hopes. To live a life with all these things is a life worth living. Never hold back and allow things to unfold. Don't let fear stop you. If you have a good feeling run with it and see what comes from it.

 

"Babe believe me for similar reasons I understand what your going through! You should be terrified of growing feelings through pen and paper! It’s an easy way to get to know somebody yet extremely difficult to hold a relationship! Bambina you know where you stand with me, you know what I think of you and how I feel about you!" 

 

Debating with yourself and others if this is something you want is key to knowing how to approach a friendship like this. I was scared out of my mind that I was developing feelings at this rate for Bagherra. Something in me wouldn't allow me to push away. Something told me to keep going. Instead of going around it Bagherra hit the problem head on and expressed how he felt about all these things that were changing in us. Him being this open is a blessing and a curse. I didn't want to see what was happening right before my eyes, but Bagherra had the right to know that I was changing too. He had the right to know that this was headed in a dangerous direction. Things we stood against were now falling more into place than ever before. Bagherra was not trying to reassure me of his feelings, he was letting me know he's at the same point where I am. Scared, confused and wanting to know where this leads. We can not expect everyone to feel the same way we feel for them. Clarity is always needed in a situation like this. Expressing yourself to someone isn't giving in, it's not ruining or twisting a friendship it's being honest. Honesty is all everyone in Prison wants. They live in a world where the next man will fuck you over! They will lie to your face and not think twice about it. There are some crazy women who write to men and hint at things. Look, NEVER hint always be straight forward. If you think you have feelings or even if you think you are being played never be afraid to express that. Friendships might be ruined and they may not feel the same for you, but at least you got it off your chest. You can continue living knowing you did what you needed to do. Yes, that may sound selfish but in life all you truly can control is you. Don't try to control a situation like this. It will end up worse than what it started!

 

"During these days I was a “super cholo” who truly didn’t think more of a holiday then just another day to drink and party… Tinkerbell this is where I now see change in me. Change that you and our daughter have brought to my life! I would love to spend holidays and every day with the two of you with drinking and partying the last thing on my mind."

 

Bagherra reorganized his priorities. His life had changed forever in the blink of an eye. This is proof people really do change. Old beliefs and values get thrown out the window when you see something better in your life. We all in the end want the same things (well most of us do), we want someone to love and with love comes change. You can not change someone, someone must change for themselves. Change does happen in all of us at some point in our lives and I was that point for Bagherra. I've never pushed him to debrief, I've never made him choose between his gang and his family. I never will. These choices must always be made by him. Some people may read this and think I'm stupid. I'm obviously smarter than you. Let me explain something, a man will only make the choices he wants to make. A man never wants to choose. So if you push him to give up his gang or hell anything else in his life things will end bad, viciously. We must remember that change doesn't happen over night, change is progressive. In the last year I've seen enough change to know when Bagherra comes home his gang life will be behind him, does that mean he doesn't think about it? No, but he made the choice he wanted to make. Now if he made this decision for me because I forced him to chances are he will go back to that life. Be patient, if you are not patient you may lose the person you care for. Think of what you can change in yourself before you think of what you can change in others.

 

Loving a inmate behind bars is something that requires strength, patients and understanding. We must always remember that prison life is a million times different than our lives. Most inmates depend on their own kind to be safe and secure. Although there is a chance that their own people will turn on them. Worrying about this will destroy you. I've been through phase already. I got over it. I know that Bagherra can take care of himself. I still worry, even though he tells me not to, I have a right to worry. This is a man I love and want to be with. When getting involved make sure you are stable enough to handle something like this. Age, race, sex doesn't matter. It depends on you. If you think you can handle this do not do this. You have to know you can handle this. You can not have doubts. Doubts will ruin what you share. Jealousy is an ugly feature, NOW NOW I am a jealous woman, but Bagherra doesn't make that meter go off. He has never broken my trust, there was a time where I did have to really think about something he said, but I think were past that now. Jealousy will put an even bigger space between you and your loved one. A few weeks ago I posted something on PTO ( www.prisontalk.com ) about the problem I was facing and I got a lot of women that stood behind me. One of the comments I got was "I'm surprised he hasn't tried to link that life with you yet". If you haven't figured it out... Bagherra writes other women. This is not a subject I was going to bring up, BUT I figure it's a good lesson. I went on last night and looked at another post. This woman found out her man was running a game on her (he actually has done this in the past). I stopped and realized how lucky I was to have Bagherra. He has always been honest about the other women, he doesn't play that game and he has let women go because they develop feelings. Now this problem is not smoothed out yet, but I believe it will be. I have never had a woman come at me claiming I stole her man, or that he was running a game on me. Look I'm not trying to scare anyone off lol. But I am trying to say that not all relationships are real. Patients is the word of the day. A garden requires patient labor and attention. Plants do not grow merely to satisfy ambitions or to fulfill good intentions. They thrive because someone expended effort on them. Patients is the only way to figure out if what you have is real. Patients is your best friend in a relationship like this. Work through your problems and never write or talk when your patients are running low. We must be patient of others as they are patient with us.

Letter Breakdown (04/05/2012)

I took a leave of absence for a little while, but I'm back now. In this letter we spoke about the meaning I have in his life. How special I am to him. At this point we were still hesitant about our feelings because well let's face it he's in prison! It was a mutual hesitation! We also spoke on the ideas of tattoos he wants. I always find myself laughing. Bagherra is an amazing artist, but some of his tattoo ideas seem crazy to me! Anyways, I have 3 quotes today!

"You once wrote “that Italian sounds like a keeper”, I never doubted you and these past few months have been amazing."

 

Sensitivity is common amongst all human beings. We are all capable for harbouring feelings and making connections. Those who push away are not weak, they are just waiting for the right person to come along. That was me in my past. I pushed away from everyone close to me. A lot of the time I didn't know how to cope with my feelings. Most feelings turned into anger. I bottled all the good and unleashed the bad. I've lost many people in my life to my methods. Everyone always questioned why I didn't allow them to see this other side of me. My father always told me I would know when it's right to unleash and I would always know when to hold back. With Bagherra I found myself opening up. It felt the right thing to do. I was comfortable and I trusted him. This was very hard on my part. I've never opened up to anyone before in my past. By allowing myself to open up I opened up a whole different world. I begun to see things I had never seen before. I used to think it is a weakness to allow someone to know my sensitive side. However my views have changed, it doesn't make you weak. It makes you strong, let me explain. When we confide in others we begin to see them in a different life. We go past appearances. We see what this person is made of. Being able to tell someone your horror stories lift the burden off of you. It doesn't erase the memories, it just makes it easier to know someone cares enough to talk it out with you. This is why what Bagherra and I share is so special and why we are so special to one another.

 

"I don’t blame you for being afraid but admire your strength because it’s never easy to live this way! Babe it eats me up inside to see such lovely green eyes yet something missing. Under different circumstances I wouldn’t hesitate once to assure you that you are the woman for me and I the man for you…"

 

I feel like I'm back tracking. In all honesty this letter was one to jerk at my heart strings. It crushed me to know I found such an amazing man, but the circumstance were set for failure. How many prison relationships truly work? How many woman really ride it out with there men? How many men stay with their women when they get free? Statistically the numbers are low. However there is a small portion that truly make it work. Many of us are hesitant to try something like this because of those statistics. For the most part I've always been on my own. I've always depended solely on myself. My strength was also my weakness. I never wanted to depend on someone, but depending on someone isn't a burden, it's a gift. Being with someone is hard to maintain, but it's that feeling knowing no matter how alone you feel, your not. Bagherra always believed the only reason we couldn't be together is because he couldn't protect me from where he is. This is true, I deal with my life day to day because I have no idea what tomorrow brings with all these appeals and all these struggles. Not having daily contact or phone calls makes this relationship hard. Being hesitant is not a weakness. It's looking at what others have been through and seeing if you can go through these same things. Throw the statistics away and ask yourself "how do I make this work", because at the end of that day what you share with your loved ones is different than what the next person may share with them.

 

"Babe I was thinking since you and I both like to have the last word how in the world would our relationship ever work!!! And after long hours of thinking I came up with a solution! Hermosa with me by your side you will always have the last word… as long as it is 'yes babe whatever you say'"

 

I'm laughing as I read this. Bagherra and I are both very stubborn people. We are not afraid to face a fight, but we both always want the last word. This can cause tension I am sure, but in all truth for the most part Bagherra and I have been in very few fights and we usually find a way to work them out. Bickering is part of life, so in arguing, but it makes your relationship strong. I will not sit here and pretend things are perfect, because right now they aren't. I will say just because we are bickering doesn't mean all my love for this man gets thrown out the window. I addressed the problem and now I am moving forward, if he chooses to let this being us down then we will face that too. This is all a part of any normal relationship too. There should always be boundaries. Above all else that person should be able to make you feel all the emotions life can offer. It doesn't matter the circumstances, even out here in the free world we face difficulties in relationships and sometimes they don't always work out. I've had a few relationships that ended sour and I've lost many people over my temper. I love that Bagherra can joke about things like this. It's an eye opener to know someone that knows your temper and accepts it.

 

I have "hot blood" too many people mistake my temper and rage for bipolar disorder. When in all truth us Italians are VERY passionate people. One minute we will throw dishes at your head and the next minute we will stitch up your wounds and kiss them better. It's who I am. I don't allow fights to bring me down and I rarely hold grudges. If you are in a relationship with a inmate or even considering it, listen to me, DO NOT ALLOW THE LITTLE THINGS TO GET TO YOU. They will tear you apart. It's hard to resolve things through letters and trust is not easier held onto. If your gut instinct tells you something is wrong you need to go off of it. Too many people get played, both on this side of the bars and on the other. We all have fears in life, but the only way to get over the fear is to face it head on. Be calm about it, take a couple days to mull it over, never cause unnecessary drama and take it a day at a time. Being with someone in prison takes trust to a whole new level. If you have trust issues this is not for you. We write to mean and women behind bars to be a light in the dark. We are not there to bring them down and eat them alive. Everyone says stupid shit and it's hard to tell sarcasm from normal talking through pen and paper. Today's word of the day is TRUST. I know I've used this word before but I believe it to be a word of the day everyday! To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved. Always trust those around you and learn to trust yourself. At the end of the day you'll weed out those whom cause you grief and move forward with life a little more positive.

Letter Break Down (03/30/2012)

This was another short letter based around our daughter mostly and of the photos I sent him of his forever growing daughter. It's always times like these that make it harder on both of us. He parents from Prison, with no visits and no phone calls. The thought of this drives me off the wall and back. It saddens him how much she grows (she's a very tall baby naturally). It's always a difficult subject, but one we face head on together. I have two small quotes today.

 

"I must confess I’m loco!! Loco!!! About you, that I realized that things within me are changing as well, I’ve noticed that even at times in how I write to you! I just hope that you don’t allow this to  change things between us….."

 

We kept holding hope that things would slow and that I wouldn't push away. Well needless to say they never did, nor did I expect them too. The road we were travelling was a dangerous and potentially hurtful road, hell it still is, but we chose this. Making a choice like this takes a toll on anyone. The outcome always effects not only us but the ones around us, those that love us must may seem like they "knew it from the start", but what you feel inside is always stronger than those options. I know IF things between Bagherra and I went south that I would forever take a part of him with me. He changed my life and impacted it hugely. He opened up a person inside of me that I hid for years, he allowed me to contradict myself and to develop what I wanted alone. He was never pushy nor did he hide his own feelings. Gradually over the course of this last year things inside of us both started changing rapidly. Things did change between us, but for the better. We no longer held back our feelings nor did we deny them. We just simply chose to live with them and for them. We were not only true to ourselves but true to one another. Honestly goes a long way in life. The web of lies you cast are always found out in the end. Don't ever pretend to be something you are not, especially to an inmate whom reads your letters over and over again. Eventually the inmate will catch onto your game and not want to play it anymore. Never have a hidden agenda or try to be someone your not with an inmate. They are in no way stupid. They develop their own senses of people, we must remember according to the law they are all "cons", so before you play the games remember they more than likely played the games as a younger person. Love is not a toy, nor is a fantasy world okay to live in. Face reality and be straight forward.

"Always remember that the two of you together hold my love – a love that even though written through pen and paper it is true, sincere and capable."

 

Some people have a hard time believe that us out here can fall for an inmate or that an inmate is capable of these feelings. They are just as we are. When you pour your life into something or someone it shows. For the few little bit I always questioned if this was some sort of game Bagherra played, but the more we wrote the more I knew he was being truthful. He didn't make up his family, or tell me lies about them. He told me truths and about who they are as people. he didn't paint himself or anyone to be a saint and the best man out there, he even says himself he doesn't deserve me after all his mistakes when he was younger, but fact is he has me and what we share is pure. I have never asked him if this was a game, I needed to make my own decisions on what this was. Questioning someone shows you don't trust them, coming to realizations means you built your own feelings and thoughts with no one influencing you. Don't give up some an inmate just because some of us had bad experiences. We've all had that one pen pal... Yes, we all know which one... "But I have no one to support me so if I don't write back it's cause I can't afford to" or the "Send me something to show you love me"... Don't ever fall for those games, and if you do expect to always be treated like that. I've sent 1 thing to Bagherra and he blew up about it and tried to make me promise I'll never send him something again. I never made that promise and were fast approaching his birthday and Christmas. I choose to send things because I want to. I know he will be grateful but pissed off at the same time. He'll get over it. This is pure...

 

Not all inmates play the love game, no two inmates are the same, but if you get a bad gut feeling about an inmate then go with your gut instinct. If you can not trust them fully you may never trust them at all. Things will only get worse unless you feel 100 percent trusting of them. It works like that out here too. We must trust someone to tell our secrets to, and if they fuck you over then we all know what happens after that. A few nasty texts turns into a few nasty phone calls that turn into a bitch fight to remember. It works the exact same way in Prison except a few words can turn to anger, which can lead to shouting which ultimately leads to stabbings. It seems completely different., however it's not. We use the tools we have out here to fight and they use the tools they have. They don't have the options like we do! There life is so much different then ours. That's why when choosing a pen pal NEVER write two people in the same prison, or if it's a state like California NEVER write two people period. You never know when a picture on a wall of a cell can turn into a death. Be smart about writing, never push nor hold back. I tell Bagherra when I want to write to other people, although he doesn't agree with it he stands beside me regardless. I'm proud of him and to be his, there is no man that can break the bond we have. We are secure in our relationship. Never question whom your with, and if you have to why are you with them period? TRUST is the word of the way. Follow your heart, but be quiet for a while first. Ask questions, then feel the answer. Learn to trust your heart. Always go for what you believe in and never let someone tell you different. You are who you as an individual. Act like one!