So today I had a surprise waiting for me in my mailbox. I've been struggling with my emotions lately and feeling much weaker than I usually do... In truth it's been a bad day for me. As soon as I saw it I smiled and thought 'if anything can make my day it's what is in this letter'. As soon I walked in the door I sat down and read it. It is safe to say I am feeling giddy and happy. He knew somehow, someway I needed that push up. He knew I was feeling down without me having to tell him. I usually do not share my darkest moments with him, as I make everything seem better than what it is, although I share with him all my thoughts.
I decided to blog about something so small because most people in relationships have feelings, I don't know the proper word or it, however it's as if one of the two somehow knows something is wrong. I missed this, I missed knowing someone knows. I missed knowing I know. I may be rambling, yet in my head this makes sense...
His last appeal failed and I refused to write to him first (this was last month) and instead I had asked questions at the end of the letter that gave it away that I knew. I did this to make it easier for him to tell me 'hey babe, it's life now.' He told me and kept it short. He also told me I could leave, that he didn't deserve me, that I should have more in life. He never stopped to realize this is what makes me happy, this is what keeps me smiling day to day and most off this is the man I fell for. He is selfless and understanding! Not all men are like this, especially guys with tough guy reputations to uphold.
Most people still think I'm crazy, some have turned to the so called 'darkside' with me and they too feel the same way I do. Men on the inside, or even women, aren't as judgmental as the men/women out here. It's not that they are desperate and want anything, it's because when you get to know someone on a certain level you begin to feel raw emotions, once you start feeling them you can't stop them, you don't try to justify it by the way someone looks, you truly judge them by the beauty they hold within. I have pictures of Bagherra that make him look like a serial killer, I have another photo that looks like he went 10 rounds with Ali. His look is always changing in every photo, he tends to apologize when they don't give him a razor before photos, he says he looks like a chi pet! I am going on and on for a reason, let me get right to it. As we grow and being to understand where we are and what our lives consist of, looks and all that childish shxt goes away. It becomes looking for real qualities, real people and most of all someone you could spend the rest of your life with and how far you're willing to go to have your happiness.
I chose my happiness again, and I will never regret it. I also do not regret that time apart. I grew as a person, I adventured out and realized all roads will always lead back to Bagherra. My heart was always and will always be with him, regardless of how much I try to convince myself against it. He was always there, even when we were not together. This is the man I will spend forever with, the man who will always be the father of my child and the man I will always love both behind bars and out here. Nothing can change those feelings and nothing can make me change my mind. I haven't been open with anyone, besides one good friend whom I know stands beside me and helps me through the hard times. I tend to not want to over share and keep him all to myself. One piece of advice I have for anyone who has been there, wants to be where I am or even someone trying to understand why someone close to them chose this relationship, my piece of advice is this... Do not allow others in, do not trust anyone, trust only you. Make the decisions alone. If you think you need time, take the time, if he/she does not understand why, then maybe they don't understand you well enough. You are the only person who can understand your relationship, you are the only one with enough influence to make it work or make it go away. The same goes for your other half. Make sure all the decisions you make are what the TWO of you want, because in the end that is all you have.
That is my ramble for the night. I'm getting my little one to bed and I am going to curl up with my notepad and a pen and send Bagherra one of my famous love letters. Goodnight!
"It isn't possible to love and part. You will wish that is was. You can transmute love, ignore it, muddle it, but you can never pull it out of you. I know by experience that the poets are right : love is eternal."
-EM Forester
