The End...

I told myself I would go through all the letters before I begun to talk about the end, but I can not. I never saw an end in sight this time last year, however I see it now, and it's in my rear view mirror. In all honesty sometimes people are meant to love one another, however they are not always meant to be together. Bagherra and I couldn't make this work, I'm sure he can, but I can no longer be with someone like this. If our love is meant to be it will, but right now it's not meant to be.

 

I never questioned Bagherra and the last month all I've been doing is just that. There was another girl, whom he decided to share certain details of his life with, both of them knowing I was in the picture. I can not get around this. This is harder than having "DENIED" thrown at me. Everyone has different views on being faithful and it appears to me that Bagherra and I have different views than one another. For the last year I've gone to bed alone, I have not paid any attention to men that tried to get my attention and I have not so much as lied to Bagherra. Unfortunately he couldn't return that to me.

 

I don't want to dwell on this, nor is my purpose of writing this to bash him. This was is no way a mistake. He always told me I was "Capable", it was always the one word he used to define me. He taught me that I can love and let someone in without questioning their motives. I can tell someone my deep dark secrets and not have to worry about them judging me. Bagherra opened me up to a whole new world that I never allowed myself to live before. He gave me hope, patients and a hell of a good time. In a year I allowed myself to be happy alone, but with someone. We've had our fair share of ups and downs. I've never had a single phone call, just writing on paper. Somehow in the year of doing this I learnt to cope. I learnt to see it all as face value. I had a man who would kill for me, who would die for me and a man that will always hold a part of me. I love him with everything I have, but that love I have is not enough to get us through this.  

 

Being with an inmate is never a mistake. Would I personally do it again? No, I don't think I would. 36 years - Life meant a life of loneliness, no more kids, no more cuddles and no more middle of the night laughs. It meant no hugs, no kisses, no intimacy. This is not why I wouldn't do it again. I would not do this again because of Ariel. Ariel deserves more in this life. I was raised by a single father. A man who provided me with anything I could have ever possibly needed. A man who loved me unconditionally. I was and am still my Daddy's little girl. A fathers love is like no other. It's a bond that can not be defined. I was belted when I misbehaved, but I never questioned it. I never talked back and I never cussed. I grew up with morals and values. Why? My father taught me those things.

 

This love I have will not go away over night, nor do I think it will ever just stop being there. I'll continue to keep in touch with him and help him along his way. I'll still have hope he can one day come home and start a family of his own. Somewhere where he can find his place being productive in society. I'll never wish ill feelings on him, nor will I ever talk down about him. He was good to me, but he wasn't ready for who I was. I never doubted his love nor his feelings. He is a victim of his own surroundings. He's been in a single man cell with no windows or sun for 3 years, with a ton of more time to serve in there. He made his choices. Both in Prison and out of Prison. This doesn't make him a monster. Yes, he is known as a violent person from both the cops where he's from and the people that fear him. To me he was as gentle as possible. He never pushed me, he rarely cussed, he always thanked me and he made sure he knew how much I meant to him.

 

I have not gotten emotional about this in some time and I have a flood of emotions coming back to me now. This man brought this person out of me that I've never seen before. I became better, better at accepting people into my life. We all have something in our past that mentally messes us up and I have quite a few. I learnt to let go and just let things happen. Life will work as it should and theres not a damn thing you can do to change it. The thought of not having him in my life kills me. I'm damaged to say the least. Eventually the pain will go and I will look in a more positive direction, I'll take everything I learnt from him and move forward with that. I hope we stay in touch and can learn to be friends once again.

 

Listen to me, never think of the worst when deciding to be with someone in Prison. Never try to control everything. Lay out ground rules. Allow him or her some breathing room. Let them make mistakes and try to work it out. I did try, but I couldn't allow this to go further. Life is a long time to try to trust someone whose done you wrong. Let them apologize but never be too harsh. They do have feelings. Live your life for what it's worth. Make sure whatever you do from here to the day they put you 6 feet under is worth it. Take the risks, feel the pain and bring it with you. Your pain can only make you stronger. Don't set out with bad intentions and don't play the game. Keep your head up and be on top of what your trying to take on. Most importantly love like there is no tomorrow, in the end you'll have the good memories to take with you, as they always outweigh the bad.

Finally What Could Be Good News For The SHU!!

Case-by-case reviews of gang-validated inmates an important step in new Security Housing Unit policy

 

 SACRAMENTO – The California Department of Corrections and Rehabilitation (CDCR) is now implementing a pilot program that will reduce long-term confinement in Security Housing Units (SHU) and overhaul the way gangs are managed. The “Security Threat Group Identification, Prevention and Management” pilot program was approved and certified by the Office of Administrative Law on October 18, 2012 and filed with the Secretary of State.  It is now the department’s official policy and enabled CDCR to begin conducting case-by-case reviews of inmates in segregated housing.

 

“The new gang management policy was developed with significant input from experts internally and throughout the nation and now includes prevention, interdiction and rehabilitation elements,” Undersecretary of Operations Terri McDonald said.  “This complex retooling of our gang management program requires considerable changes to state regulations and departmental policies and procedures. Implementing it as a pilot will improve the department’s ability to incorporate the new changes,” McDonald added.

 

Because of the magnitude of the changes and the complexity of gang management, CDCR is phasing in implementation. Phase One has begun which includes case-by-case reviews of CDCR’s existing validated gang population housed in its security housing units (SHU). The reviews will determine the appropriate placement of those inmates either in a new Step-Down Program or to general population housing. The reviews began October 25 at Pelican Bay State Prison and continue this week at other institutions.

 

“The reviews are extremely comprehensive and will take time to complete throughout the entire system,” McDonald said.

 

The term security threat group (STG) will generally replace the terms prison gang, disruptive group, and/or street gang within CDCR. The new STG policy is a behavior-based approach that focuses more on individual accountability.  Highlights include:

 

•    Incorporation of an STG prevention program for offenders during the intake process and an orientation process for validated affiliates in the Step-Down Program.

•    Recognition of the different levels of threat posed by STG members, associates and suspects, and that their housing should correspond with their respective threat level.

•    The incorporation of a weight-based point validation system which continues to require a direct link to an existing validated member or associate.

•    A new behavior-based system, which will serve to enhance the existing intelligence-based validation system.

•    A new STG behavior-based disciplinary matrix, which will provide for additional procedural due process safeguards and a system of individual accountability.

•    A new STG Classification Committee, which will provide an additional level of due process review and affirm initial STG validations.

•    STG associates – a majority of inmates housed in SHUs – will no longer be considered for direct administrative placement into a SHU based solely upon their validation to an STG unless there is a corresponding confirmed disciplinary behavior at the time of the original validation.

•    Implementation of an incremental three- to four-year Step-Down Program, which by design will replace the existing six-year inactive review process for validated STG affiliates.

•    The Step-Down Program will be an individual behavior-based program for STG affiliates that will provide graduated housing, enhanced programs and interpersonal interactions as well as corresponding privileges and personal property enhancements.

 

McDonald said Phase Two of the STG pilot program will include the implementation of the new validation process and will begin early next year. Case-by-case reviews of validated affiliates housed in smaller Administrative Segregation Units will also be implemented with the new validation system.

 

“These changes support our goals to reduce long-term SHU confinement, provide alt

ernatives for inmates who want to disassociate from a criminal gang lifestyle, maintain safety in our prisons and communities and have a more effective system that complies with national best practices,” McDonald said.

 

CDCR manages about 3,100 STG (gang) members and associates in security housing units.  About 20 percent of these offenders are validated STG members, who maintain a high level of influence over subservient street gangs and other individuals incarcerated within the prison population and represent a significant threat to the safety of others and institution security.  The remaining 80 percent are validated STG associates, who under the direction of STG members assist in carrying out illicit, disruptive, violent and/or criminal activities in the operations of these criminal organizations.

California Penal Code Section 5058.1 grants CDCR the authority to implement pilot programs. The “Security Threat Group Identification, Prevention and Management” pilot has the force of law and will expire by operation of law in two years or on October 18, 2014 unless adopted by CDCR into the California Code of Regulations using the process described by the Administrative Procedure Act.

 

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
November 8, 2012
Contact: Terry Thornton
(916) 445-4950
 

Letter Breakdown (04/29/2012)

In this letter we spoke about balance and being guarded. We spoke again about his unexpected visitor and how he could have hid it from me and I would have never know, this is a very true and also one of those reasons I never doubt Bagherra. We spoke a bit about one of my sisters who in more or less words have gotten herself lost and does not want to be found. Quotes:

 

"A few letters ago I realized that truly there is no telling where this may lead us nor how long this might last and it’s why I’ve decided that my best guard is to in every way I can tell you how I feel… sometimes you lose someone before you have the opportunity to truly say and express to them how you truly feel and with you my love I didn’t want nor will I take that chance."

 

Inmates have people that come in and out of their life for many different reasons. It seems like in the end everyone seems to "forget" about them besides a very small handful of people. Out here we lose friends by choice and in there they lose friends by distance! Some women think it's exciting to be with an inmate and are in it for the rush and other women are in it forever. They wait patiently at home and truly ride it out with their loved one. Some inmates are the ones that fuck up or push away. Regardless of the circumstances never be afraid to voice what you feel even if it means losing the person you love. Sometimes the greatest gift you can give is freedom. I knew at this point my heart was in it and I couldn't walk away. I couldn't just disappear from Bagherras life. Things had changed and were continue to change on a daily basis. I thought about it and realized I didn't have to justify why I love this man, rather I had to realize why I could see myself with a man in Prison. If you spend more time justifying you'll forget the reasons you want to be with this person. I'm not 100 percent sure on Bagherras past, nor if he's ever lost someone he loves to the walls that surround him. I've never asked that question, maybe I don't care to know, or maybe I'm afraid of the answer. What I did know was he was right, anything could happen overnight and the feelings that were building between us should be put out there. Never second guess your feelings, even if you have them and don't want to develop them into something, let the other person involved know.

 

"To be honest with you I do know a man who fits this description however his taken!!! Yep, yep, yep! His fallen in love! I tried to warn him but NO! He wouldn’t listen to words or common sense but only to what his heart is feeling!!! Tinkerbell his fallen in love with an 'Italian woman' and even though she at the moment doesn’t feel the same way! He won’t ever stop thinking of her – her meaning in his life. But I promise to help you search for your perfect man so that one day you are able to feel and experience what he is feeling today!"

 

I can not put into words what this quote makes me feel. Bagherra has an amazing sense of humor and a heart full of romance. It's hard to picture him and believe these words coming from him at times, trust me when I tell you his pictures make him look like a man that drops women as fast as he gets them. On the other hand love makes us do some crazy shit, it makes us talk funny, dream about this person, and it makes us constantly want to live for someone else. Never doubt how someone is if they don't give you a reason to! Bagherra has always been gentle and caring, he's always spoken to me like this, not always with love but with compassion. Now his grammar defiantly won't win him a spelling bee, but he gets his point across clearly. The ball is in my court, I don't have to feel the same way, but I know how Bagherra feels regardless of what changes we make. In life we hold back, we hide our feelings and we don't express ourselves properly. Then one day someone comes along and tosses everything you thought you knew aside and breaks down your protective walls! Instead of building those walls back up, get help from the loved ones you have, this way when that wall is back up the people who deserve to be in your heart are where they need to be and those who do not deserve it can stay out. Not everyone will hurt you, however we all get hurt once in awhile.

 

Instead of taking everything for granted like they once did, some inmates strive on making themselves better. With a little support they can see that this new life is better than the old one. Sometimes inmates don't have the right type of support. Sometimes family isn't enough. We can not tell our parents everything and it's nice to have someone we can vent to. By sharing all things in your life with those who mean something to you will show them how much you truly care and respect them. Change is a word I use often, so I am going to use it again now. Change comes in many forms, whether negative or positive. Those around us often influence on our change. Say if we live in a house where no one works, lives off the government, robs people and treats us poor chances are the changes in our lives will be hard to reserve. Now say we live in a home full of love, work 3 jobs to support one another, gives back to the community, and treat each other fair we will change for the better. We can not blame how we were raised as an excuse for why we are who we are. When you leave either the positive home or the negative house you have to build a house of your own with your own morals and values. Bagherra build a negative house and today he has himself a place to call home. Now, if your reading this and do not understand what I am trying to get across, you are in for a shock! Humans are not perfect, they are subjects of their environment, YET, we all make our own choices whether good or bad and at some point we DO correct it.



Letter Breakdown (04/28/2012)

Let's get started! This letter was a bit longer, not because it was filled with more, but because it was my first Spanish lesson and we spoke about a old friend of mine that still lives the lifestyle that Bagherra lived at one time. The conversation was awkward to say the least, but like everything else we got past it. In this letter it's clear to see that there was love and compassion in his writing, that he voiced his concerns about the state was thinking about moving to. We spoke about this family him and I built. How this is scary but exciting at the same time! Quotes:

 

"Hermosa believe me I do understand how difficult this type of relationship is. The rush of emotions, the worlds apart and the lack of a touch! Tinkerbell I understand what your going through because I’m going through the same emotions, the ups and owns and dealing with similar feelings."

 

This is when we realized we were at the same point in this "relationship". We were both drawn to each other and wondering what we do about it. It's not easy to make such a huge decision. Do I wait for a man that may never get out? Do I tell him I need physical touch? Or do I jump in blind and take chances. I'm sure Bagherra was thinking similar things. I couldn't imagine how crushing it is to love someone and them not love you back. I've always been the one to not love back and walk away not worrying about what the other person involved felt. Bagherra was different I did care. I wanted him around and I couldn't for the life of me figure out why! Maybe I didn't need to! I just had to let it happen. I expressed everything to him, I didn't hold back. I needed him to know how I felt and where I wanted this to go, all while being cautious. Being in love isn't always perfect, but being in love makes you take chances, it changes the way you see road blocks and it opens your heart to many other feelings. Everyone plans what they want in life and sometimes life takes a dangerous turn quickly. Some people control it and other just enjoy the ride. Even if you enjoy the ride be cautious of others feelings, know that you are not the only person involved. This is a lesson I wish I would have learnt a long time ago. There is one particular part of my life I wish I could go back and right my wrongs. I don't regret how it went, but sometimes it's too late to say I'm sorry. I'll never get a chance to tell someone I'm sorry and that had been heavy on my mind as of late. As usual I was ready to walk away and forget about who I was with, then next thing you know he's gone forever. Maybe that's a part of why I was so drawn to Bagherra, not to right my wrongs but to believe in things I never could before, things I've never allowed to feel. I was ready to walk away for one man because something in me was changing and I didn't like it. Instead of walking away from Bagherra I dealt with my feelings and I got on the ride without thinking twice. Bagherra is different than any man I've ever known. He's not afraid of his feelings and he doesn't hide them.

 

"Thank you for keeping me in your life because with you and Ariel I’m living my dream, a family, daughter and the love of my adult life. I fell in love with you but don’t let my words push you away! These are my feelings and I don’t expect anything from you…"

 

This was the first time he told me he loved me. I remember I dropped the letter and begun to shake. I was expecting feelings, I knew they were there, but love came and hit me dead in the face and left a scar. I didn't know what to do, nor what to say. I'm sure my return letter was a bunch of ramblings mixed with a concrete wall. I didn't shut down, this is also a first. I didn't change the subject as fast as I could. I knew I was headed in that direction and I didn't do a damn thing to stop it. Sure, I tried to tell myself this can't be love, that I'm sure Bagherra has loved before in Prison and it's just a common thing for them to fall in love with a girl giving them attention. Then I stopped myself and I thought I was going crazy. I was finding excuses to push this mans love away and to try to stop my feelings from being there. This is who I was a year ago. That is not who I am today. Doubts will always be there. You may not always see eye to eye and love may blind you, but if you find someone that treats you right and they are perfect in your eyes then stop making excuses and be with that person. Life never can be planned, it can't be altered to your liking! Life just happens and so does love. They say convicts have all day to think of things to say to you and to draw you in, and I'm sure that they do. However they also have all day to think about you, dream with you and want badly to be with you. Being blinded by love is one thing but being blinded with ignorance is another thing. Listen to your own voice and go with what your voice tells you. You can not control what you have never done. This is my first and I can promise last relationship with an inmate I will never go through this again. However today in my life and at this time, and probably for a long time, Bagherra is all I need. Stop going on statistics, stop letting others poison you and think for yourself. The most important decisions ultimately come from you.

 

This is the love and compassion, not all of it but a piece of it. Emotions are scary regardless of the circumstances. Emotions drive some people to do some crazy shit and not think twice about it. We've all done something for someone that we never thought we'd do in a million years. This is the process of love and how love works. Now love can not be put into words, but how we express ourselves while in love speaks loudly. Its hard to pretend you love someone when you don't, but its harder to pretend that you don't love someone when you really do. That about sums up what I was going through. A dilemma so to speak! I didn't know what the fuck was going on and I was shocked. I was more shocked that just a few months prior he was telling me a relationship like this could never happen that love is all but a myth in Prison, and now he's telling me he loves me. It's hilarious how it works and what we try to avoid hits us both. Too many people over react when love comes into play. When we get older we may miss the chance at a pure love and I knew I wasn't going to miss my chance. I had found a man I could be with for a lifetime, I found a man I could grow old with and most important I found a man that I couldn't hold back from. However you rationalize love in your head take one piece of advise. Everyone loves a good Disney movie. I for one do! However we all know love doesn't work like that there never is a happy ever after. We must always work for the happy ever after. Let me be the first to tell you that I'm living my own Fairy Tale. It's not a Disney movie, but it's my own life. I see this love as my own happy ever after. I don't have to rationalize it to you or anyone else. My love is not perfect in any way shape or form, but my love is pure enough to keep this relationship going. It's pure enough to have me thinking about a future with Bagherra. Most important and above all else it's pure enough to be my story of love, my happy ever after and my own fairy tale. Stop rationalizing love and write your own book, don't copy someone elses.



Letter Breakdown (04/25/2012)

Again, this was another short letter. I had begun teaching him my first language, which is Italian. He had to translate quite a bit of sentences that I sent him. Other than that we spoke about our family and of course the highlight of our lives... Ariel. There is only one quote today, so it'll be a short one this morning!

 

"Babe we’ve come a long way. Even though it’s only been a few months feelings are growing yet it’s sweet and sour because this means things will get more and more difficult for us! On my part I can promise you that I am willing! Willing with all my heart and soul to live this special relationship with you and Ariel regardless of the mind-struggle if we both wish and hope for the same things, cherish this special moment and holding each other’s hand together we’ll walk through this…"

 

This quote has significant meaning to me. Out here we usually build a friendship, go into a relationship, fall in love, get married and then have children. In our case we built a friendship, had a child. fell in love and then it developed into a relationship. I can not even fathom how this happened, but that's the way it went down. Everyday is a struggle for an inmate, the struggle t keep their sanity, to control what is around them, to protect themselves and most importantly to survive. Now add a relationship in there and it seems like they can not handle all they have. Bagherra separates his ways in Prison and how he is with me. We rarely mixed the two together. Our relationship does not include Prison and others in Prison. It includes Bagherra, Ariel and I. Many know of our relationship and not many understand it. Try explaining that a convict isn't just a convict. I have friends that are married with children that are jealous of the relationship I share with Bagherra. They say he's a "perfect man". I disagree... Bagherra is far from perfect, but for me he is perfect. We balance each other out. Balance is truly important. Two people with short fuses are a recipe for disaster. Two people afraid to open up are a recipe for disaster. Most importantly to people that are afraid are the worst recipe you can have. If you want this to work be level headed, think things through, never make on the spot decisions. They may cost you not only your relationship but someone that means so much to you. Voice your concerns, calm your nerves and most importantly THINK! 

 

Prisons are made to break happy homes, it's up to us that are in a relationship to fight for what you believe in, to stand beside your loved one no matter how bad things get and openly communicate with those you love. Raising children is the same concept. It is hard to have Ariel only know a photo, she has no voice reminder, no physical touch she can rely on. Women/Men out here must plant that seed not only in our minds but the minds of our children. Living a life like this will have you broken one minute and wondering why you broke the next moment. You will have a moment of weakness and tears will come. It is a part of this life. I can not begin to tell you how many times I've broken. I'm not ashamed to admit I've broken, I've thrown things and I've released built up hatred for the system. Having that release keeps my mind focused on the important things in my life. Bagherra pretty high on this list, I keep it together for him. I lean on him during times of weakness and I don't hide that side from him. He knows I'm a strong woman and capable of taking on the world by myself with very little equipment. I was raised to be independent so I don't depend on a man, instead I have a man who matches my every step, who encourages me to be better and who makes my world a better place. He is my last thought before bed and my first reminder in the morning, really everything else in between too. Find strength within the person you chose to share you life with, tell them when your feeling weak and don't be afraid to let the tears come. Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while, so that we can see life with a clearer view again. Don't ever forgot the direction your life is moving in and never forget those who help you get there. Loving someone is easy, making it work is the hardest thing to do!

Letter Breakdown (4/24/2012)

There isn't much to break down in this letter. Again it surrounds our daughters very first birthday and how I plan to celebrate it. We also touched on feelings, which if it isn't obvious already it's something we do every letter. There's also space dedicated to us telling each other how we feel. This is when I begun showing Bagherra a different side of me, a more gentle side. Quotes:

 

"Sweetheart from the beginning my intentions were to find a little company, someone to share experiences, ideas and conversation with however with you I’ve already found that and much – much more! Tinkerbell this is how I feel about you! You live in my heart and as the day passes by I think and miss you more and more! You live in my heart no matter how many times I tell myself off for allowing this to happen as a crazy man I only laugh. I laugh because I once told you that falling in love with someone it’s not about wanting to but simply something that just happens!"

 

In a relationship communication is all you have to go on. You can not depend on anything else. The physical aspect is non existent in my relationship. I don't have conjugals or visits that allow us to hold hands. If I visit it will be through glass and a phone. Last night I was looking at some things and I found myself getting annoyed. I was annoyed because so many women are not only naive to this type of relationship, but so many people instead of trying to get people to understand tell them it's a waste of time and not worth it. Now I know why Prison relationships have such a bad statistic. Believing in a relationship like this is hard enough, people shouldn't be adding to the pressure! Love happens, it knows no boundaries and doesn't discriminate. We can not help who we love, but we can chose who to be with. When you love someone it doesn't mean you have to be with them, but if you chose to you must deal with everything that comes with that person. Everyone has flaws and in order to love someone you must love their flaws. I accept Bagherra is in Prison, I do not have another choice. The negativity my relationship brings, does not bring me down. It gives me strength to know so many out here are narrow minded and do not see the bigger picture. Love is love PERIOD. Bagherra would never intentionally hurt me, or throw something stupid in my face. He's gentle and he's kind. He cares and he isn't afraid to show that side to me. You may not see that side of him, but I do. I know who I have. We are all too judgemental on others relationships. If you see someone struggling you should stop and ask yourself how you can help not how you can further beat this man or woman down!

 

"For many years you’ve been hiding your feelings and for many years I thought that I’ll never fall in love again but love came for me and today you no longer hold back your feelings! You say that I’ve impacted your life but in truth it’s you and Ariel who’ve impacted mine the two of you together for very different yet similar reasons have changed a huge part of me!!!!"

 

When your on the outside looking it, it seems Bagherra tells me the same things over and over and he does often repeat himself. This is something I have wanted to bring up for awhile. It's not him repeating himself it's him knowing what is happening to him and to us. Change can happen in many ways. It could come through death, life and love. Regardless change happens for whatever reason and that change may shock you or come as a surprise. Bagherra was not ever expecting for his priorities in Prison to change. They did, it look life and then it took love. He fell for Ariel first, which to me is understandable. A child is innocent, they are made to be loved and to give love. Then came love for me, which made us a family. I never expected Bagherra to accept Ariel, or even myself. I expected a friendship that could last and good conversation. I was hoping to pass some time and get to know him. Instead I found him. Now if your confused I'll explain. I've never looked for love nor have I wanted to feel it. I put my guards down with Bagherra because I truly didn't think that I would need them. So while I wasn't looking I found what I could never have before. Love. A feeling so deep inside of me I had to fight the urge to run scared. Bagherra never thought he's find love in Prison but love came in a envelope one day and instead of turning it away he embraced it. Love happens when you least expect it. It creeps up on you and by time you realize it's happened it's already too late. That person will always live within you.

 

I'm not sure what to say after all of that. I can say this. Letting your guard down can end in two ways. A inmate will take advantage of it, or they will embrace it and treat you kind. Never be too naive to see the negative in someone, but never hold it against them. Never throw past mistakes in someones face, instead let them talk it out. Everyone must learn and grow from our pasts. We must move forward without hesitation because of what the next person might think. We are who we are and we can not change that if we are not willing to. Allow someone into your life and share all aspects of that life with them. Not everyone will judge you and if you are afraid to be judged than you yourself must stop breaking yourself down. Without our past we would not be individuals. Yes, we have all made mistakes, and most of us have learnt from it. Today's word of the day is Judgemental. It is not for me to judge another man's life. I must judge, I must choose, I must spurn, purely for myself. For myself, alone. Before judging someone elses life take a look at your own. You have flaws and if you don't think you do than you have some maturing to do. We all must be understanding of the next persons past, present and future. We must first learn to love ourselves, to open ourselves up and to be honest with ourselves. If we can not do this, we will never accept the next person. It all begins with you and taking those steps to better yourself.

Letter Breakdown (04/19/2012)

This letter we spoke more about the feelings developing between the two of us. We also spoke on one of his pass times, which is helping others with appeals. He found something similar to his case and is hoping that this will knock off sometime on his sentence. Our daughters first birthday was right around the corner and she seemed to be a lot of the focus as well! Let's get to the quotes.

 

"Hermosa I’m sorry if my words at times confuse you therefore I’ll be completely clear today – by your quick wit and charm I am impressed! By your beautiful green eyes and tiny body I am obsessed! By the thought and wish of your love I am possessed! There are many feelings pounding deep within my heart! Feelings so strong telling me that love is growing fast! Song dedication! From me to you! What love has joined together by Mary Wells"

 

For those who have never heard this song I will post the link to the youtube video for it... ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oYpBg6N7tG ). Now moving froward to the quote. I come back to that word clarity... Sometimes we take words wrong and are not sure what to make of them. If I am ever confused I let Bagherra know that. He always answers back with what he initially meant. I try not too take his words for face value. This all lead up the the initial I love you. This build up meant to me it was coming soon and it was too late to control things, or to walk away. For those women who are blinded and think that a friendship is JUST  a friendship, look for the signs. If your not looking for a relationship make sure in the beginning you don't allow the little things to become a big thing. Love happens and so does heartbreaks, but don't drag someone along just to tell them you can't give them more. Inmates still feel like we do and they can still feel pain for the loss of you. We are here for support and friendship and if your not willing to turn it to more, don't just avoid the romance. Hit it head on and stop it before it gets to far. Don't be a bitch about it neither. Let them down gently. Everyone deserves that respect.

 

"Hermosa your amazing, for you to tell me that I’m your one exception, for you to share with me Ariel and your heart the two most precious parts of your life means the world to me! Sweetie of course we are in this together! And if I don’t feel the same as you right this moment it’s only because my feelings for you were planted sooner then yours and today are growing and growing faster…"

 

There is the lead up crash! No, he did not say I love you, however what do you think he said "Oh it's nice I'm your friend and you care for me"? Read between the lines. Giving your heart to a man or woman that is free is no different than giving it to a man or woman behind bars. There is so many things that could happen, things might not work out, other people may interfere, or time will just tear you apart. Logical any relationship with an inmate sounds crazy and may just be a fucked up decision. However there is so much proof that it's not. It's something that is pure. Not being able to touch the person you love, or go to sleep with them, or to call them when you want takes strength. It takes a mentality some people do not understand. Bagherra will forever be my one exception in my life. I'm not one to hold on or to love, but something in Bagherra wanted me to be that person. the person that can share my life with someone. The person that doesn't hold back from fear but allows fear to push me forward. Getting over fears in life will always be an obstacle. Loving someone is never a mistake. It is something that has to be real. It can't be an obsession or a joke. Don't let your own games and drama get yourself twisted. Be open minded and be real. If you can not handle a relationship with someone in Prison don't be in one.

 

My relationship is far from normal. Even the beginning stages are not like usual. Before we even had a committed relationship we had developed love. We had worked all our fears out and begun to fear new things. I could not imagine my tomorrow without Bagherra and I don't want to. I do have a back up plan in case things go south. I am focused on my own life. However I include Bagherra in my life and together we plan for a future. He knows what I want from life and how I plan to get it. I want him to be a part of it. So my back up plan is not another man, my back up plan is going through with the things I want, such as more schooling, moving to another state etc, all while bringing a part of Bagherra with me. Some women and men completely shut down in a relationship like this. I can not. Even when Bagherra and I had feelings I knew I was free to see other people, now I didn't but I always knew that was an option, however I decided I wanted to see where this went. If you see your views changing on men/women out here than maybe it's time to take that next step with your inmate. Maybe it's time to cut the bullshit and come out with how you feel. I will never put everything in my life on hold for Bagherra, instead I will include him in everything I do. I don't have wandering eyes or hands. I know what I have and Bagherra is more than worth the wait. Remember when getting involved you can't just think of it as "Well he will never know", your right he won't, but it will tear you up inside and sooner or later it will come out. It takes courage to admit your cheated, but instead of cheating don't put yourself in a situation like that. If this type of relationship is over bearing be honest about it. If it's meant to be it will be, and if it's not don't force it. Now I'm not saying all women that cheat don't deserve the man they have, but I've never been one to cheat and I won't start because my man is locked up. Some women are different than me and you are who you are at the end of the day what you have and what you allow in your relationship is up to you. Don't let my boundaries be your boundaries, but make sure you have boundaries to begin with.