HOPE...

There is only one word that can truly define what I believe... HOPE. Yesterday I received a letter from Bagherra. He had an appeal pending and last month they denied it. I've known for almost 3 weeks before he told me. I lived with it and learnt to cope with it, because I truly didn't understand it or what happens next. In this letter yesterday was the letter from his attorney saying it's been denied. Nothing has ever hurt so much in my entire life than one word... "DENIED". I broke to say the least. I've also never felt so many emotions in one letter. We found ourselves back at the beginning. Where were not sure what to do. Do we take the risk and keep this going? My reply was short, however it took me forever to get the words out through the tears. My answer seems easy enough. Leave, why stay and be put through this leave? That's an answer I couldn't give. Yes, think with my head, think clear, not with my heart. My head couldn't even process what what happening. I was at a loss for words and all I wanted to do was reach out and tell him I'm still here. Through a letter this is harder than it may seem. I knew there would be many things that stand in our way, as if we didn't have enough already.

 

Now this was his final appeal... Yet I found out through him that there are two more options. This could take many more years to resolve. This is where that magical word comes in. Hope, how long do we hope for before we get completely destroyed? Will I get destroyed or will all my dreams come true? I have hope. So much hope. Bagherra gave me the option to decide where we go from here. Do I pack up and run, or do I stay and fight? My feet started to get hot and I was half way out the door. Then something happened... Our daughter came up to me threw her hands up and laughed. An innocent gesture to but to me it meant so much more. My whole life I've ran. It's all I've ever known. I did it because my parents did it. So what am I teaching my child? That when things get tough you run and never avoid it? Or do you stay and fight for a cause you find more than valid! The choice I make today can impact my daughter tomorrow. Do I pretend like Bagherra never existed? When Ariel gets older do I tell her that her Father didn't leave us... I gave up on him? Or do I show her that we fight until there is no longer a fight but a solution, whether good or bad? When I began a more than friendship relationship with Bagherra I knew what I was getting into. LIFE, that's what could possibly come from this. I knew there would be struggles, trials, tribulations. I didn't want to face them until they came forward and showed there face. While yesterday I got the first major test. There is no right or wrong answer. There is only raw emotions.

I will tell you the same thing I told him. I will not just simply walk away. This is much bigger than that. This is THE MAN I want to spend the rest of my life with. The man I want to be the father of my children. The man I want to wake up to every morning. Yes, this sounds crazy. Yes, this is very hard. Reality is once in awhile we need to take a step back and see what in our lives cause us pain and happiness. All throughout reading his letter I kept telling myself to stay calm and to react accordingly. How do you do that? There is no possible way. I wanted to scream at him for making such a huge mistake many years ago, I wanted to throw my damn kitchen sink at him for making me feel this pain, but I want to just simply hold him and tell him things will get better. I wanted to grab his face and tell him I love him and nothing can change that, and nothing ever will. Although none of those options can happen I wrote him a small letter of how I was feeling and what I was thinking. At the end I gave him the choice. The choice to take my answer off "I'm staying" or to tell me "Tink, it's time to stop all this". I'm no fool nor am I stupid in any way. Two people make a relationship and two people break it. Everything else involved is just a milestone. This is something that is out of our control so why should we have to suffer over it? I'm going to turn this negative into a positive the best way I can and stick this out. I will not take the chance of losing this man just because it might take a few more years. I have my whole life ahead of me, I am still young.
 

This is for all the men/woman who want to get involved romantically with an inmate... I knew what I was getting into. It took a month for the dust to settle when we started this relationship to really look at what could come our way. I advise you to do the same. Yes it feels great to say yes right away but ask the questions you need to ask. This is a huge deal on everyone involved. His family is involved and so is mine. Their biggest concern is us hurting each other. That we invest so much time of our lives with on another and it's wasted. This will never be a waste to me and I will never see it like that. I've developed a life with him and I refuse to sit here and pretend like this life is perfect, it's far from it. It's reality and when it sets in it hurts. It's not easy to make these decisions, however in my life today I know these are the right decisions to make. For all the people who look down and pity me, fuck off I don't want your pity nor your "words of wisdom". Case and fact... I love this man and I CHOOSE THIS LIFE. If I needed or wanted pity I'd do it myself with a bottle of vodka. I could have a pity party to remember. I'm not going to sit here and feel sorry for myself because I am making these choices. I am staying because I want to. I don't feel forced nor under pressure to stay. The choice was mine to make and I made it. I have hope that we can make this work. I have hope we will come home and I have hope that regardless we will get through this together holding hands. I love this man and nothing, NOTHING can stop me from feeling this way. 

  

Letter Beakdown (01/19/2012)

This letter was a short one. However although short it held a lot of goodies. There are 3 quotes I am going to share. Let's break it down quick. This letter was focused on life in Prison. His feelings upon it and how he functions day to day. We touched on the subject of my family, which is a very dark thing for me. I'm not open upon my family life or what goes on it. I built a level of trust with Bagherra and believed he deserved to know some things. Let's get to the quotes.

 

"Earlier today I was reading the 1st letter you wrote me and I’m amazed by the difference in our conversation of today. You do have a way with me Tinkerbell and it is strange and funny in many different ways. You have this way of making me feel like a little kid and is something I do not like yet I only look forward to your next letter!"

 

This is when I begun to feel a shift in our conversation, a huge shift. Maybe this is when we both started to develop some feelings, or maybe this is when we begun to express them. I'm not one for being a "feeling" person. I've never been good at expressing the meaning some people have in my life. When things get hard I usually deal in silence and cry on the inside. I'm not an overly emotional person, unless I'm pissed off. This has now changed. It strange how a letter, a prisoner and a few words can truly open you up and change you. Feeling like a child is never a good feeling. However at the same time it's the most innocent feeling there is. Nothing compares to a child's love or a child's smile. Now feeling like one means something too. For those who remember or have children of this age, remember walking into the toy story and just beaming, looking at everything with bug eyes and saying "I WANT, I WANT". Hell we couldn't even put more than two words together. We were overcome with so many emotions. This is how Bagherra and I both felt at this point. It was amazing to receive his letters and I still get butterflies to this day. Strange how it works huh? We go our adult lives saying "man, I'm so mature, and bad and this and that", but really if we don't stop to get excited about the little things how are we supposed to feel? Take a step back, forget the stress, let go of your anger and really focus on the good you have in your life and see if you don't feel like a kid again.

 

"There is nothing I could offer any woman out there besides I’m a realist. I am not a wealthy man but it doesn’t take much to live in prison besides I can easily adjust and be content with what I have. And as to childish well you already got a taste of my character. I can be but there is always a time and place for everything."

 

Maturity usually comes with age, some people peak earlier than others. Fact is we all get there eventually. In life we can say "I'll do this or I'll do that", but what is this or that? Childish hopes and dreams, or a adult making the right decisions. Many woman like myself have hopes and dreams that our men will come home, so we stay by their side, support them, feed them good energy... There's a whole other side to us... The woman who are with men on DR (Death Row), these are the woman that fight everyone and anyone they can to have their loved ones released. They are not crazy, they are not desperate and they are not stupid. They found a cause to fight for. Now, Bagherra and I had the same outlook on prison relationships, it's not worth it. This quote came up when I told him why I picked his ad. There were many men on the site looking just for love, money, and a good time. I wasn't interested in these things. I was interested in developing a friendship. Some men go as far as to put poems and things on their ad, to each their own, that's not my style. I looked for maturity, realness, and honesty. If your thinking about writing to an inmate don't settle for less than you want to. Go for what interests you, sentence wise short or life and go with your gut. I wanted a man serving a long time, simply because I wasn't sure what to expect. I've heard some horror stories where men get out and go searching for their pen pals. It's a scary world we live in, but never let this turn you away. I found an amazing man that cares, loves and holds me high. Not one horror stories should define one success story.

 

"Do not get me wrong this is a place where murder, assaults, riots, suicide, and manipulation exist but at the same time it’s a learning experience. You run into some of the most intelligent men in the world who’ve lived, seen, and read it all. It’s a place of respect, unity, and loyalty yet at the same time a snake pit."

 

This quote always makes my mind go to work. To process what these men/woman go through on a day basis is hard for some of us. However we must always remember that we worry and care so much because we truly do not know what it is like. Bagherra is in a Prison that has the label of housing "the worst of the worst". I do worry for him and his safety, I have since we begun talking about where he is housed. He tells me not to worry, he can with stand all the violence and over come it. I have so much faith in him, but as someone who cares from him I still worry, it's just me. Bagherra is a very smart man, he's not highly educated or a genius, but he is very smart when it comes to where he is at. He knows the ins and outs and how it works. That at any moment he could become a target. He's sat back watch and learned how to survive in a snake pit.

 

These stories we hear from inmates about the inside scare us half to death, but to know that they figured many things out while on the inside tells us they know how to survive. There is many differences in our worlds. We never compare the worlds, we just accept each others lives. Once in awhile we meet someone, we don't know why, but they change our lives. Bagherra was that person for me. He lives two lives. The one in Prison and the one that gets sent out in an envelope. Writing is a way to keep in touch not only with us on the outside but a more sensitive and caring part of inmates. Bagherrra refuses to tell me what's going on inside the Prison because he likes to think I'm too good for it. I probably am yes, but I need to understand why my mail run slow, why I worry and why there isn't anything on the DOC website explaining what's happening. There is delay in mail every few months and usually it's because an assault of some sort has taken place. Us who already write to inmates know the feeling of being worried when you don't get a letter on a usual day. We know what it's like to freak out on a forum and ask everyone what the hell is going on. We never show this in our letters. These inmates have enough to worry about as it is. Society has given them a label "CONVICT", with that label comes many negative. That's not the case, we can not generalize a whole population of people. We can not say this inmate here is exactly like this one over here, they are still individuals. They are their own person, with their own feelings and their own thoughts. If you take a chance at writing an inmate please always remember to choose your crime wisely, this can and may become a problem down the line. We can not just give up and stop writing to people because we don't like their crimes, if they are rude or using you then I encourage you to find someone else to write, but do not do what society did to them. They have been punished once for their crimes and do not need someone else to give up on them. Writing an inmate is a commitment on both ends. Never forget that you may be the only positive in a negative life.

Letter Break Down (12/29/2011)

This post will be longer than most because I want to touch on 4 quotes from this letter. This was the first I received after the holidays. We spoke about life and the past. How we got to where we are today and what has changed in us since childhood. How our mentality is on a different level than just a few years ago.

 

"Tinkerbell you’re a woman that a man like me would has easily fallen in love with on the streets, a woman who’s company I would had very much enjoyed and temperament eased. That woman who I could had spent my life with. Now, now, now, please do not feel uncomfortable! Herein I am not confessing a feeling nor in any way trying to twist our friendship! Basically what I am saying “is that you” the woman who I’m getting to know through this pen and paper is somebody who I truly believe I would had loved to meet under different circumstances."

 

Do we need more proof that these men/woman locked up feel just as we do? Do the bars that separate us truly make that much of a difference? Who are we to sit here and think they do not? Now just as Bagherra said, he was not confessing a feeling, but he was getting the point across that I am not like anyone else and that he does feel for me. Sometimes through pen and paper we find ourselves going into deep explanations, we do this because we have no other way. If I write something that Bagherra may not understand I break it down for him and tell him everything I want to say. With this quote reality hits me hard. Every time I read it, it's like a slap back down to earth... 36 years to life... That's all I can think about. Here it goes, we met, through a pen pal site online... Not a dating site, just simply people looking for people to write to. A friendship. Now for all the woman/men who say "I don't want to have a relationship like this woman", let me let you in on a secret... You can write and just be friends. Think of it as someone you can share you whole life with and know at the end of the day they will never judge you. They will honest, trust worthy and real. What more do we want in a friend? Sometimes, even out here we fall for our friends, it happens. This line is when my life changed. I was terrified that I would have to let him go, I tried to push away and I couldn't. I didn't feel trapped... No, that wasn't it. I felt the same. Never before in my life had I. I was truly blind... This reminds me of a another quote not by Bagherra, but a quote none the less "The only thing worse than being blind is having sight and no vision." Bagherra opened my eyes to another part of life. A part that wanted to see where this lead.

 

"Tinkerbell you’re a woman whos been through a whole lot! I can only admire the fact that life, struggle, and pain has only made you stronger! Being that today you live your life without feeling the need to hold up a guard speaks highly of you! Many girls under similar circumstances or who’ve live half of what you’ve been through would had lost themselves."  

 

Years ago I battled cervical cancer, twice. I explained this to him and how I felt going through my chemo and radiation. I remember them telling me I'd never be a mother. I'd never have to joy of holding a child, or changing my OWN child's diaper. Today I have a healthy and beautiful baby girl. Now, I don't know how many of you are religious... I am. I'm Roman Catholic and I attend Church every Sunday. I do believe in miracles and I believe that when they are given you take advantage of it. You use it to your strength and if you have no strengths you find some. We all must have a will to conquer, to move forward and take each breath with a blessing. I never lost myself in pity, drugs, drinking(although I battled with constantly being drunk, okay I was an alcoholic), nor did I find myself in the arms of every man that held them out ready to catch me. I fell and I fell hard onto my own two feet. I over came struggle, pain and nightmares. I am no longer worried when I get my 6 month pap, or when they say "We'll Tink, your cells are high, we need more exams", because I know I'm strong enough to pull through. I've always pulled through on my own. I don't have to do that anymore. Bagherra is always there to catch me when I fall, and I'm okay with that. We are both very strong willed peopled. We both believe the less involved the better, makes everything easier. For him to understand the pain and how many girls would have reaction shows to me that he understands me on a whole new level. He's taken the time to get to know me. He's taken the time to care.

 

"Tinkerbell I’m far from being any womans ideal man! But always bare in mind that with me you’ve found somebody to hold you, who’ll never be judgmental, a man who you can trust and share with: frustrations, smiles, good times and bad, fantasies and all! Someone who with very little time of getting to know you has learned to care for you…"

 

We find ourselves back at the word CARE again. Call your best friend right now and ask them "do you care for me?" Hell call someone you've known for a short time and ask the same thing. If they say yes then it's true friendship. Prison doesn't change your ability to have friends. Nor does it block you off from having them. If anything you find true friends, people who don't want to go do drugs, drink and rob somebody. They want to see you do well and will encourage you at any cost to fulfill your dreams. Without hopes and dreams what do we have? We have reality. Every once in a while we need an escape. Writing letters is my escape. It allows me to not worry about offending someone, or disrespecting them, because the conversation is already flowing positive. Usually it's kept like that. Yes, people have disagreements, yes they fight, but they make up and they get stronger. The quote above is why you should write to an inmate. They are so highly appreciative of a simple letter, something people out here don't even bother with anymore. I find when I write I go on about things. I get it all off my chest. I get emotional, I get crazy and I say some things that don't make sense. It's a release of everything stressful and by the end of the letter I feel rejuvenated, ready to face the rest of the day. It's like seeing a shrink except your shrink is in prison and it only costs you about 1.00 every week. These man and woman in prison try to help us, they let us lean on them. However we must not forget to allow them to lean on us too.Every friendship and relationship is a two way street.

 

"If I was given another opportunity in life honestly I believe that I’m ready for a change of life style! I want a family, a wife and children! A chance to redeem myself with my love ones."

 

This last quote is the one that means the most from this letter. It is the perfect example of rehabilitation. Not on the prisons part, but on Bagherra's. My man went in a gang banger with no remorse and no feelings. Today he's a gang banger with no remorse for his crime and a ton of feelings. He wants another chance to prove that he can do better than what he was. That's all I want to touch on that quote for now.

 

Today's word is change. People change, sometimes these changes are horrible and other times people change for the better. The world changes on a daily basis, people die, babies are born and the people in the world are constantly changing. We must accept change. If we do not we will always be at a stand still. We must evolve. The prison system has not evolved. They've become tougher on younger offenders and they have to go on strike for some damn pencil crayons. Unfortunately us with loved ones locked up this becomes frustrating. It's a constant reminder that while the world changes the prison actually moves backward. This is why prisoners need correspondence. How do you change in a system that won't change itself? How do you get up positive when on a daily basis the world is flipped backwards? Should anyone under 20 have to serve their life out because of a mistake made in teen years? Has the system completely forgot about change? Positive change? I know I'm not the only person in this world that thinks about it. Change must eventually come. What's stopping you from changing an inmates life?   

Letter Breakdown (12/12/2011)

I have 2 quotes from this letter I'm going to share, however like always I'm going to do an over all sum up of the letter. Okay, this letter we spoke about our person lives. What we look for in a relationship, what our favorite qualities of the opposite sex is, truly just a break down of little things in life. Music, movies, languages he's learning and once again his family. To the first quote!

 

"I believe that the most common difference in a relationship is that women believe in relationship where on the other hand men in completion."

 

We all have our own outlook on a relationship and how we think of it. At this point we were just learning of one another and there was no relationship other than friendship between us and I was not seeing anyone. All of us woman know what it's like to be in a relationship, a good relationship. We shift our world around to make it work, any means necessary. Bagherra may not see eye to eye with all men on relationships, but he has his own opinion. He grew up in a snake pit. Where girls were easy and good looking, however WOMEN were hard to find. Someone down to earth, someone that could "hold their man down" so to speak. We have all found ourselves in an awkward situation when it comes to being in public with our loved ones, men "show off" their woman to other men and other men want to be King of the Throne. A simple glance at a woman's body can set off a gun blast, or a fist fight. For us woman, some get a thrill from it and some get embarrassed. Personally I get embarrassed. I think it's childish to fight over a woman. You should never try to intervene in someones relationship. If a woman is happy, leave her be and if she's miserable, let her work it out for herself. Like this quote says and man and a woman look at a relationship different. Prisoners are no different. We must all remember they came from somewhere and did have a life before they were sentenced. They may not know what it's like to be in a physical relationship, but mentally you never forgot what it's like to have companionship, someone to talk to and someone to love.

 

"By the way that Italian woman I was telling you about is truly adorable! There’s something about her she has this special way to brighten my day and lifting my spirit!!! What do you think! A keeper?"

 

This quote always makes me smile. We will need it down the line when he talks about this "Italian woman". Knowing I can do so little and brightens someones day truly makes me feel I've done a good thing. I know what it's like to be kept in the dark, however I don't know what it's like to be truly alone. In Prison your best friend is also your worst enemy. You truly can not trust anyone. Everyone is out for personal gain. Writing to an inmate is an experience to say the least. I've learnt so much about myself and about letting someone in. I'm not the typical female. I may do my nails and my hair, but I'm most comfortable in sweat pants and a white tee that is far too large for me. He makes me feel beautiful when my hair is tied back, glasses on and dressed in over sized clothes. This quote goes beyond a look. It gets into an emotional feeling. A feeling of truly getting to know someone, to see whats on the inside. He saw the cover and he was intrigued to read the book. Although he is only in the first few pages, he's hooked. Keep in mind this is the first letter back since I sent him a photo of myself. He had NO idea what I look like except for a brief description...

 

Bagherra saw my beauty on the inside before I allowed to see the beauty on the outside. We had been writing a month before I sent a photo of myself to him. I allowed him to know of me before he saw me. I'm no supermodel but I'm no Gollum either. (For those of you who do not know who Gollum is google him). We tend to judge everyone on ones appearance. I can not stress this point enough!! Through writeaprisoner I've found many woman who found love in men that most of us wouldn't take a second look at. We are too materialistic, too up tight and too snobby to realize that you could have the most beautiful man or woman in this world and still feel empty. It takes more than a pretty face to make a relationship work. A person must be able to have a conversation, they must have a personality and they most be able to communicate. Without these basic things we will all fail! Looks are not a deciding factor for myself, they help sure, but in truth many people think Bagherra is just "cute, or adorable or meh". Where I thought he was cute and now in my eyes I think he's the most handsome man in this world... WHY? Simple... His personality and sense of humor make him that much better looking. Yes, I may be looking through a window of love and have my blinders on, or just my glasses off, but I see the beauty he holds inside. In life we must always remember there is more to a person than their looks, crimes and past. There is a present, and future in there somewhere too. Let's not ever forget this. Don't write someone off due to what they have done, give them a chance because of who they are today, here and now. If he/she treats you well and has a dark past, help them move forward, take the risk. You won't only change their lives but you'll make a dent in your own and see the world from a new point of view.

Letter Breakdown (11/26/2011)

I have 3 quotes from this letter I want to share. First I'll do a round-up of the letter in general. This letter we spoke about his family life, and his adolescent years. He let me know of the struggles he had and once again touched on his family. His openness still to this day blows me away. We got into the fact he "has" (now had) an appeal pending and he hopes to get the outcome he was looking for.  

 

"Tinkerbell I was surprised by your writing, the flow of your words, questions and your easy going personality!"

 

This quote allowed me to go above and beyond to be open with Bagherra. It's always nice to have a confidence booster in a letter. His openness (which you will see more down the line) is a lot of the reason why we find ourselves where we are today. To read that line was like hearing that in no way was I a boring writer, nor did I ever leave him wondering about a certain subject. I left everything on the page. In order for any relationship to work there must be an openness. Never be afraid to ask questions, even if you are afraid of the answers. Never waste a breath wondering, simply ask. Whether it's friendship or a relationship you must always have a level of understanding. When two people meet there is always a basic line of questions you want to know. Writing an inmate makes no difference. I asked the basic questions, where are you from, favorite foods, favorite book and of course there was always a why at the end of the question. I wanted to know why because I wanted to understand him more than a picture on a website, I wanted to know him as a person, to develop a friendship. Every question he asked me I answered honestly. I may have left some things out because our level of trust was still growing.

 

"Most of the time we take things for granted and then we find ourselves dwelling on past mistakes and what if’s. It is true what they say! Experience is the most difficult of all teachers, for it gives the test first and only afterwards the lesson."

 

This was the point I realized how truly smart Bagherra was. This man has had his freedom taken from him and he knows what it is like to have everything taken from him, to sit in a lonely cell and remember what is was like when he was free. Many men in Prison dwell on their mistakes and try to learn from them. They truly value their freedom when they get out, however sometimes they are lead back down a wrong path. This is where woman and men like me who write come in. We give them a positive influence to be better in life, we encourage them to make goals and meet them. We are a constant presence in successful rehabilitation. Back to the quote, this quote is very true. Any convict knows while they commit the crime they know they are doing wrong, however they don't realize how wrong until they are thrown in jail for it. They learn a lesson so to speak. They can only go back and fix it whether it would be positive or negative. In life we always learn from our mistakes and grow from them, it's a shame a lot of inmates will not have a second chance to prove they can and WILL do better than what they were doing.

 

"After all what is a man in prison entitled to? My freedom comes in an envelope and my only way to caress a woman is through pen and paper."

 

This is a very personal quote. However Bagherra makes a good point. These men have no other means of knowing what is going on in someone else's life without a letter. YES, they get TVs and get the news, however there is no person attachment to the nightly news. I find myself side stepping from "new technology", such as my IPhone or my Kindle. He would have no idea what these things are, then I realize HEY HE HAS A TV WELCOME TO REALITY! I have never had to stop and explain something to him. So they are not fully out of touch with reality and they don't allow these things to over come them. Let's face it a IPhone 5 is a HOT buy in the state prison system (you truly do not want to know how they get these things in). Inmates are not completely out of touch with the world, so if you are worried about writing because these men are "crazy", they are not. Although at times they may have sexual frustration and it shows in their letters, you should always look past this. Us as humans are prone to want to mate, it's in out anatomy. Don't push away from them because of this. I truly appreciate Baherra's honesty when it comes to how he feels and how he expresses himself. His life is clear and he is in no way in denial about his circumstances. He's as real as it gets. I found myself a gem.

 

Now in this letter I got to understand Bagherra so much better than before. I realized there is more to him than his gang tattoo's and his good looking face. At the end of the day he's a person. A person who gives respect when respect is earned and a man who survives by any means nessisary. He may not be a saint nor does he claim to be, however he deserves to be treated as a human being. Today the word of the day is Understanding. Without understanding in this world we would have nothing. We would all judge a book by it's cover and forget about those who were there for us during dark times in our own lives. I've reached out to a man who has had everything taken from him and does not point the finger at the police, the man or the jury that helped convict him. He takes action for his mistakes and owns up to them. He does not allow for people to place pity on him for where he is, instead he adapted to his surounds and went on with life. Any inamte knows what it's like to have to adapt, to have to go hungry and to have no one. By reach out we allow them to realize we understand that they need someone, someone to speak to and someone to lean on. They may need this more then they understand themselves. A lot of people believe we should lock up men like this and throw away the key, or to give the police power to shoot any one with a gang tattoo on site. The people who believe this deserve to be treated like animals and to be shot on site. You have no understanding of the world nor how it works. You live in an illusion that the world would be a better place without gang bangers, cholo's, and OG's. When the fact is that we would be lost in a world that knows no understanding, that knows no compassion that knows no forgivness. Even without gang bangers, cholo's and OG's we'd still have crime, murders and war. To not give these men or woman second chances is to live in a world without understanding.

Letter Breakdown (11/12/2011)

Every couple of days I will do a letter breakdown of all my favorite parts that I am willing to share. I will do more in the beginning to get caught up and then I will continue to do one when I receive something in the mail. To protect real names my man will be Bagherra, I will be Tinkerbell and our daughter Ariel. This was the first ever letter I received from him and I knew he was special instantly. The one quote I want to breakdown today is how he ended his letter. 

"Tinkerbell I hope that this is the beginning of something special – a way to share thoughts, life experiences, good times and bad through simply pen and paper… "

I chose this quote because little did I know it would be exactly that... Something special. I remember opening my mail box for 2 weeks and losing hope he wouldn't write! Then finally exactly 14 days after I sent off my first letter I received a reply. I danced at my mail box. I have no shame in my ways, we must all remember that. Needless to say as soon as I started reading I was captured by the flow of his words and how up front he was about himself. It amazed me at how much he allowed me to know of him in the first letter. He explained how he grew up, the size of his family and how important they were to him. It spoke so highly of him that he holds his family above all else, the love he has for them shone through the whole letter, as if it was the easiest thing to write in the whole letter. Yes, my man is a gang member and yes, he has done some fxcked up things, but this letter and this quote proves they feel just as we do. We are all subject to our environment and we all make our own choices. He made his at a young age and will possibly spend the rest of his life in prison for this. 

I must be honest here. When he wrote, nothing about his letter made him sound like a hardened criminal, like a gang member, or like a violent offender. It was like hearing from an old friend, someone you care for. Often we jump to conclusions and we judge people on appearance and past. Let's all face a hard truth, we all have something in our past we are not proud. Something that we wish we could lock up and hide forever. Us that realize our past is what made us whom we are today are strong enough to realize everyone eventually matures, grows and changes. Inmates are no different. Rocky paths, mistakes and truth are a part of life. Instead of judging we should embrace the fact that yes, our mistakes weren't putting a gun to someones head, BUT we know what it's like to have regrets, to learn and to grow from them. Too often many people are not willing to give a criminal a second chance. Someone out there gave you a second chance what's stopping you from doing the same? 

What Drew Me To Write

If you have not checked out www.writeaprisoner.com I encourage you to do so! This is how I met my man! I was browsing through ads and came across his. I wrote his address down and took note of wanting to write. I had concerns. Many of them. I had recently wrote to another prisoner and he was all about the game and collecting money. This in a way almost turned me away forever. However we must remember not all inmates are like this. Just because one will try to take advantage of you does not mean in any way they all will try these same games. My best advice is to go with your gut feeling. That's all we can trust. 

Moving forward, for two weeks I kept going back to his page and reading it over while still browsing other ads. My first reaction was wow he's cute... WOW he can write. His ad made me laugh, smile, and feel. He was honest about being a gang member and something about me drew me in. He had charm, charisma, values and a sense of humor. These are traits I have as well. Now I also picked him because we didn't share everything in common. I knew instantly his background and mine were completely different. We come from different walks of life. It's true what they say... "when you know, you know." Finally after much deliberation I chose to write. 

In my first letter I explained a bit about myself. My interests, the fact I have a child and that I'm a single mom. I am an accountant according to my education, however I want to go to school to help disadvantage youths find a path in life. I didn't go into too much detail, as it was the first letter and I didn't want to scare him away by putting all of my life out there. I was nervous I wouldn't receive something back. 2 weeks later I received my first letter and from there it was history.