Letter Breakdown (06/21/2012)

I wasn't going to share this letter because its truly personal. Bagherra and I share a life. A life not many understand, yet we talk everything through. This letter was about taking a step back, well on my part. Bagherra didn't know what taking a step back meant and that he was willing to wait, yet not 'slow down'. The relationship was solely in my hands. I only have one quote:

'All I ever wanted is a woman who doesn't pretend to be more than she truly is! All I ever wanted was a wonderful mother to my child and with you I don't worry I found the greatest mother to my daughter! All I ever wanted in a woman is somebody who stands true to her beliefs! Who's feminine, and a sexy yet girly. All I ever wanted is a woman who believes in me! Who gives me an opportunity beyond what everyone else may see! All I ever wanted was to fall in love beyond a touch a woman who can share with me more than her sexy ways! Who's no intimidated by the next girl! All I ever wanted was a woman capable of truly falling in love! All I ever wanted was pretty feet, sexy legs! And a heart! A heart of gold.'

The last few letters before this were full of love, just not like they usually are. Bagherra sent me some mixed signals, well maybe he wasn't, but that's how I took it. I thought he was pushing me away because of all the conflict I had over this relationship. He wasn't, he was simply trying to get me to make the decision by myself. To be clear headed and to truly think things through. I didn't ask Bagherra what he wanted in a woman, he told me these things to clarify where he stands on this relationship. Clarity is not a bad thing, sometimes it's not what you expect it to be. At times it's a little harsh and hurtful. Remember they are not trying to hurt you, they are simply telling you how they feel. Part of a relationship is knowing what you want and how to achieve it. We cannot guess what someone else thinks, yet we can pick up on signals. We can attempt to understand another person fully, yet without asking or them telling you for sure, you will never fully understand what another person is thinking. If you need clarity ask the person, don't assume anything. Once we mature we don't necessary have a 'type', but rather attributes we want in our loved ones.

I want to keep this post short today. The quote alone wasn't much to go on or to ramble about. However when we finally find what we are looking for we hold into it and we value it. Barriers become minor and fighting for what we want comes in. Love works however it feels like. All flaws become perfections and love lives in us forever. We tend to look past the mistakes and forgive much easier. Sometimes we allow people to take advantage of us because we can't see through it. Other times we neglect those we love because we are scared. We begin to focus in the bad and lose sight of the good. We become drones and no matter what great qualities our loved one has its never enough. Then every once in awhile someone comes around that scares us more than anything. Bagherra was that person for me. For years and years I blocked it out and I pushed it away. I rejected love and ran from it. Bagherra changed that in me. He slowly crept into my heart and planted a seed, a seed that will grow forever. Not all love is meant to be felt together, sometimes it's best felt apart. Never lose sight of what matters most because I know from experience once you do when you realize the reasons why you fell you'll be asking yourself how you could let it go. How you could just simply move forward with your life. People change and sometimes people grow apart. I don't fully understand why Bagherra was in my life, however I think it was to show me the good left in the world. That people still love just to love, not because they want something. Love is not a weapon, rather its a gem, a very rare one.

'Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away.'
-Corinthians 13:4-8

Letter Breakdown (06/18/2012)

I wont share much about this letter besides the fact it was very personal. It was all about our relationships with our family and this sentence he is serving. We were still sorting everything with our relationship out. There is also a song dedication - 'I Want To Know' by Joe. I have 3 quotes:

'I care for you more than I've ever cared for any other woman in my life for which u needed for you to hear from me how difficult this relationship will be! Hermosa I wanted for you to truly understand and fully think things through especially me not having a release date!'

Life is a long time to wait... It's also a long time to hope someone gets released on an appeal or and over turn. Laws do change and some people get lucky. Not all inmates do. This is a reality I must face. I can not pretend like all my hopes and wishes are going to come true. When entering into this relationship I knew what was going on and I took it all into account. This is where stability comes in. If you choose a life like this chances are if you want children and a beautiful life, this life many not be for you. If you need constant attention, this life may not be for you and if you are foolish enough to believe you'll single handily get them out of prison, this life is not for you. Taking your time is not a bad thing, not jumping right in is not a bad thing either and if you do not think you can handle this type of relationship than don't feel pressured to be. In the end you have to realize what you want and sometimes that means hurting someone you love. Time is your worst enemy and your best friend in a situation like this. Value the time you have and make the best of it all while knowing what's going on around you and being aware of the full circumstances.

'One way or the other for years now I've been living with hurt, uncertainty and doubt! Asking myself if I will ever leave this prison.'

I couldn't imagine living with these thoughts or having this as my reality. Life is prison is no joke. There are so many things that could happen. Life can be ended short, they could lose their mind, and they could completely shut down. It would truly be a life of solitude. You'd never have a real friend or a shoulder to lean on. Bagherra doesn't live an exciting life at all, it's very routine and plain. He has a tv and one hour a day (if they allow it) in a concrete block where the sun never reaches him. It's always bothered me that he lives like this, I never like to complain about my life, because I know he has it much worse. He always tells me that he will never complain about where he is because he made the choices that got him there, however not all inmates are like this. Some inmates are still angry, they are mad at the world and pissed off about their circumstances, in truth who can blame them. One thing I've learnt about the justice system is that there are many injustices that happens through trial and in prison. As I've said before the inmates have very little control, they have just basics and have to spend a small fortune on extra things. Living a life in solitary is hard, there is only so much you can do everyday. Working out, watching tv, writing, drawing and reading seem to be at the top of the list for what they can do. Some take things to escape the reality, some better themselves and take classes, and others drown in self pity. The pain must truly be unbearable. Always try to brighten the inmates day with a joke or a funny photo. The littlest things make the biggest difference.

'Bambina regarding the negative comments on the website everything in some cases is true with the only exception being that stupid and foolish are those who are too am scared to live because they are too worry of what the next person may think!! Stupid and foolish is to be driven away from one you love simply because its too hard to understand!!! Stupid and foolish is a man and a woman who are willing to go through so much struggle for the wrong reasons...'

I use a website to talk about things and about my relationship. I've had both positive and negative experiences, and the experiences weren't always about my relationship, some women are just simply stupid and pathetic, in turn which is why us who choose this life have such a bad rep. Some woman I've spoken with have hit the pavement running when feelings come up, other woman's planted feet down and jumped in and in some few instances some woman said if things didn't turn out the way they wanted they'd try with their inmate then. When deciding whether to be in this type of relationship or not we found ourselves leaning on our friends and family because our loved one is not there to lean on. Not many people are positive about this type of relationship and some people will turn away and not go with what they truly feel because they are afraid of what some people will think. I've talked about this before too, I always talk about happiness and things like that. Today I'll talk about something different. I'm going to talk about influence. Sometimes in life we allow other people to influence so much we believe the bullshit they send our way because it makes more sense than the truth. At times we deny the truth because its too hard to bare and we make foolish mistakes because we believe other people. I've done this before and I've paid for it. We all probably have. Don't be afraid to go against what others believe, in the end it's what you believe in and what you want to fight for. Others will never love your relationship, only you will. We all fight to keep things in life that we see as worth it. It's what makes us individuals. We can all think for ourselves, make sure you always remember that.

All letters seem to be serious and intimate in there own way. Some letters I can't stop laughing, some letters I can't stop crying and letters like these I can't stop thinking. That's what I live most about Bagherra, he may seem like the cute and cuddly type, yet I know somewhere inside of him is a man who uses his head and thinks things trough. He's made mistakes and he is not one to not admit it. He leaves all his feelings and all his insight on the page. I never second guess what he says. There was a time that I did and in truth I listened to someone else and as much as I defended Bagherra I knew a part of it all was not right. Yet, the person who told me I've later come to find out is truly a very odd woman. I've cut ties with her and realized that I made a bigger mess by sharing everything with her. I don't regret that, I learnt a lot of people's true intentions that day and how miserable people love company. I can't begin to stress the point that if you are happy, simply just be happy!! Know yourself better than you know others, focus on yourself rather than other people, and above all else trust your own opinion over other people's opinion. Your life can only go the way you want, it's true we can not plan it perfectly, but we can achieve only what we allow ourselves to. We are stronger than us ourselves think and we can handle only what we allow to effect us. People who truly love you will worry for you, yet they will not try to distort the image of the person who makes you happy, they will always stand by your side. Now, keep in mind I'm talking about a non-abusive relationship. Grab your happiness and run as fast as you can towards it!!

'Think twice before you speak, because your words and influence will plant the seed of either success or failure in the mind of another.'

-Napoleon Hill

Letter Breakdown (06/17/2012)

A quick run down of the letter. It was a longer one about Bagherra coming off the website and of our family. We always speak about what we would want and how we vision out life to be if he was free today. A lot of our letters focus on Ariel's upbringing. I do go to Bagherra for advice and in most cases we reach a conclusion that we both can agree on. I have 2 quotes:

'Theres truly nothing to enjoy about prison but like everything in life once you're already living in a harsh situation and there is truly no way out of it you adapt and try to make the best of it!'

I asked Bagherra if he enjoys anything about prison. The answer was going to sleep. It's how he escapes his reality. I didn't post his full answer because it truly was personal, however the first bit of it gave me an insight on how he views his surroundings. I believe one of Bagherra's biggest strength is how he adapts, how he separates his life in there and his life out here. He never gets angry for no reason and never rambles on about his clear mistreatment. He never blames others or pries at someone's personal life. For the most part he has no trust for anyone, yet finds a way to live in a world with them and get along with them. Us out here will never understand that mentality. Sure we out a smile on for those we don't like at work, or wherever it may be, yet we truly do get to escape it. We go home and relax, put our guard down and think of other things. In prison there is no escape you are struck there with those people for long periods of time. This is why trust is so important to inmates, this is why you will never have a healthy friendship or relationship without it. Trust is very hard to gain, yet so easy to lose. Being open and sharing bad things isn't a weakness it's tell the person you trust them enough that they need to know these things. I rarely bring up others in my life in my letters, I rarely let Bagherra know when I'm having problems with someone out here and I'll explain why... In truth because I know my petty fights with stupid people are not as important as sharing my life with him. He has enough drama and enough bullshit that he doesn't need mine too. I do share my family problems with him and some other major things but never a fly on the wall, they are easily removed. Learn what is most important and let go of the things that are not. Always be an ear and a mouth, talk and listen. They need you as much as you need them.

'Im a simple and plain man... I am not mad at the world, nor do I hate or blame others for my situation and lifestyle! I assure you that I am not a violent person however I am a strong believer that a lion lives by being a lion and a mouse by being a mouse!'

This quote is about Bagherra's mentality in prison. I can not say that all inmates mentality are the same as his. Bagherra has matured since he's been in prison. He's grown into a man and matured in many ways. The justice system will never see it. I see it in the letters and I'm not a threat to him and his life, yet the people who surround him are a threat to his everyday. I'm not just talking about the other inmates. They say that prisons are where we keep the 'filth' of the world, some people truly believe that. However look at it this way... How would you act if you had 'guards' that belittled you, beat you and treated you like a dog? How would you feel if you've already been stripped of your freedom and now you're being stripped of humanity? We question all the actions of these 'violent' attacks in prison and wonder who in the world would act like a wild animal? They are treated like animals would be the simple answer, in truth that is the only answer. They are not allowed to be individuals, they can not stick out from the rest and chances are they all have a pack mentality. Bagherra is very gentle with me and he's always been honest about things. Sometimes too honest. When I speak with his family the love glows off of them and I can tell that he was not some 'violent gang banger' to them. He was a son, brother and uncle. He was caring and compassionate. His family means the world to him and all for good reason. He was raised in a loving home, they may of not had everything, but they made the best of it. Bagherra turned to the streets at a young age and had a lot of bad influences, he has never once blamed everyone around him for his own problems, he only blames himself for his own mistakes. This is all proof people change, they mature and they adapt. If given another chance I know Bagherra would keep his nose clean and do right with his life.

We all face challenges and we all make mistakes. The strong own up to it and grow stronger from it. The weak blame others and make the same mistakes again. At some point in our lives we get over being the victim and become a survivor. Some people think inmates are not normal and they all have too many flaws. This is not true. They are stripped of everything and not permitted to be individuals. They are violent because it not they will be pried upon in prison. Prisons are very violent places and dangerous at times, this is not an everyday occurrence, but bad things do happen in prison. That's reality. When we write we allow them to feel different, to be individuals and a place that they do not have to out a guard up. It's a good feeling to have someone to turn to at every corner. Bagherra knows if he wants he can rant and rave about prison, yet I will never bring it up. I will never ask him about it usually, however I did have questions and he answered them for me. I always wonder how he can just turn his sensitive side in and off and I'll probably never know! Yet I do know that he doesn't see everyone as a threat and he doesn't have to be some 'gangster' in the letters for me. He can just be himself I'm proud to say that I've seen Bagherra at his best and I've also seen him at his worst. I've never judged him on his past and I've always kept an open mind to his future. I keep it level with him and we balance out letters. Some are hard to read and others make my day. We talk about so many different things. If I've learnt one thing about Bagerra, it's the fact he is an individual, he cares for others and he had this 'bad ass' side to him. Remember why we all do this... It's not to see the violence in these inmates, it's to see the better side of them.

'Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved'

-Hellen Keller

Letter Breakdown (06/14/2012)

A really quick breakdown of the letter... Bagherra and I spoke about the future of our relationship. If we wanted to fight for our feelings or simply let them go. He gave me the choice to make and wanted to make sure I made the choice I believed was best. I have 2 quotes: 
  

'Tinkerbell I love you in every way possible and there's absolutely no way that I want to lose you and my daughter but at the same time I don't want to hurt you nor do I believe it's fair for you to live through this very difficult relationship! How can I explain this to you! You are the best thing that ever happened to me! If this type of relationship is hard on me it only means that it's ten times harder on you. You are defiantly the woman and this a love I'm more than willing to fight for!!'

Nothing in this life comes easy. Nothing is just handed to you. In life too many times we choose the wrong option or the wrong path because its the 'easy' way out. In truth nothing easy is worth it. There is a fight and a struggle in everything you do. When we are young the world seems to be at our dispense and it revolves around us, why is that? It's because our parents struggle and fight to allow us to be children, they pay our bills, work a job, sometimes 2 or 3 jobs, and they provide for us. As we grow we begin to see the world for what it truly is... Hard!! Not everyone can take the pressures and some ignore it completely, others jump right in and fight to become something, to prove who they are, all while keeping yourself a bay. Relationships are very similar. In the beginning they are easy and fun, then life kicks in. It's how we handle the pressure and the stress that allows us to keep fighting, to keep pushing forward. I always talk about fighting for your own happiness, when you find it you begin to fight with the other person involved, not in a bad way, you join hands and take on the world. You find strengths inky out weaknesses and accomplish things you never thought possible. Love is a funny emotion, it truly takes a fight, dedication and a life time of work to see it through. It takes courage to admit when your wrong and even more courage to stand up for a relationship no one believes in. What matters most is how you see the relationship and the emotions you go through. Never block those around you, however never let them intervene on your own relationships. Never take the easy way out, always find a cause worth fighting for!

'Think things through and if this is something that you're willing to fight for! You and I together will fight and make this work I love you baby! And I'll be here waiting for you....'

Bagherra always allows me to make my own tough decisions. He never tries to pressure me or to reassure me, he wants to make sure I made the choice with no influence from him or anyone around me. After all this is my relationship right? I had to make the choice if I could go through something like this. I doubted myself for a time and I had myself convinced that this relationship would drain me not only emotionally, but physically. I knew there was a chance I would spend the rest f my life alone, yet with someone. Those are not what I focused on when I made those decisions. I focused on what I, myself, was able to control. I never commuted the crime, so why would I punish myself and not take my chance in happiness? Why should his sentence allow love to simply slip away? Most important why would I allow myself to turn away the only man I loved? Yes, Bagherra did some awful things to end up where he is, does that mean he's the animal they think he is? Or is it simply the mentality they figure he has. I have tons of letters to prove otherwise. This man is full of compassion, love and understanding. He doesn't place pity for what he did, not does he have malice in his heart towards me and I'm sure the victim of the crime would not agree with me, however everyone builds their own opinions. I built mine, not to make him look like a saint, however he's a decent man with a huge heart. He's done some wrong, there is no denying that, however he was young when he commuted those crimes, bits eventually turn into men, something I wish the judicial system would understand. Never allow others to convince you if something you do not believe yourself. Always trust yourself and never doubt what road you take, after all you're taking the road YOU and only you think is best for yourself! Others will not have to live your relationship, it is yours to have and to hold!

We always have choices in life, we all chose the choice which is best for us, usually that is. Too many times we allow others to dictate and to control our lives. However it gets to a point where you need to break free, to journey off and not be afraid of the unknown. We take the risk because in the end we truly believed it was worth it. Many, many years ago I was in a toxic relationship. Every time I left I always came back, not because I had to, but because I made the conscious choice to. There was no physical abuse, however the other party was hooked on something and he was drowning in his addiction. I ask myself to this day why I always went back and I smile, the smile is not for him, but for the boy I watched grow into a man, the boy I love like my own and forever when I picture him ill always see him as the 7 year old boy with eyes the color of the Mediterranean Sea! I hold no hard feelings and I've found peace within myself. I realized without that love less relationship I wouldn't be who I am today. The choices we make today will affect us tomorrow. Tomorrow is the unknown in all cases and today is the day we are promised. Take the risks, jump into the unknown, mend your broken hearts and forgive mistakes! Always admit you're wrong and don't be afraid to ask for forgiveness. Clear your heart of hate and truly learn that the world may be a horrible place, however you're pure if hate and malice. You never judge by the cover, always read the book no matter how long it is. Be willing to smile at random people just so they pay it forward. Give the next man the benefit if the doubt if you ave no proof. Love with all your heart and hold into the things worth fighting for.

'Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no ones definition of your life; define yourself.'

-Harvey Fierstien

Letter Breakdown (06/14/2012)

I received two letters from Bagherra on the same day! It's like Christmas for me! This letter was a very intimate one. We spoke a lot about my family and some of the past of certain family members. The letter I sent him was one where I truly opened up about my closest brother and my mother and fathers relationship. I truly felt comfortable telling him these things and it has a lot to do with why at times I tend to push those away that means the most to me. Just as with all the other letters we spoke about Ariel and all the progress she is making and how big she's getting. I have 4 quotes today:

'Mami in your last letter you asked me to slow things down! You left me cold and today I find myself more confusse than ever! And this confusion has nothing to do with my feelings for you and my daughter! The two of you together hold my heart, my every thought and wish, this is different!'

I truly believe that at this point we were debating about this relationship and where it was headed. We both didn't know what was best for us. I asked Bagherra for space, I begun to push away. There is a lot to think about when it comes to deciding if this relationship is right for the both of you. Never rush, take your time and see both the positive and the negative. Speak your fears and voice them. Try to work out what is going on inside of you with the other person involved, they may understand what they are going through, they may even be going through the same emotions. I may have made a bit of a mess when it came to working this all out. In truth, I was a bit scared and a bit worried that I would get hurt. However I came to the realization that regardless there is always a chance of getting hurt whether its a prison relationship or a relationship out in the free world. Take the chance you think is right for you. Know your limits and your boundaries, asks the questions, and most importantly find a support group that you can share with it even blog. You'd be surprised how much if a relief it is.

'A statistic does not hold nor does it build a relationship! Baby it's like me saying that I'm in prison because I was raised by single mother not because the choices I made...'

Statistics for a prison relationship are not high. The chance of them working out are very low. Keep in mind that it takes two people to make a relationship work. A statistic is only a number, it does not define you're individual relationship with the person you're with. It's simply a number that says 'well 100's of others couldn't make it so you shouldn't try', however your mentality must be '100's of different people, in different relationships couldn't make it work, but I'm still willing to fight for mine'. We are all different as people period! We all have different expectations and different limits. Some woman are okay with just letters, other women needs more attention. The hardest part of a relationship like this is ad set, lockdowns and holidays. Mail slows down, phone calls are taken away and visits are cancelled. You can not prepare for these things, however mentally you must expect them constantly. There is very little we can control being in a prison relationship.

'My love this as every other letter I write you has allowed me to escape this reality of mine momentarily now it's time to put back on my mean mugging face and jump back into my reality...'

This quote always sends chills down my spine. We try not to talk about the dangers of prison. I'm not naive I know there are many risks and bad things that happen in prison. It's a part of the lifestyle, something many of us do not and will not ever understand. Many of the people we write do not like to tell us and write about the coming and goings of their environment. It's a reason why they write, to escape that reality and to feel normal again. They all have to be in their toes and be on constant look out for threats and things of that sort. We write to get to know not the tough prison man, but the gentle man or even woman inside. Never push or show too much interest in what happens inside the walls, rather focus on the positive the surrounds both of you. Even if it is strictly platonic the last thing a man or woman wants to discuss is what they are surrounded by. In a way these letters are my escape too, it brings me the same feeling as if I were coming home and relaxing after a long day at work, it's someone you can laugh with, share with and not be afraid to open up to. It may seem odd for me to say that or even think like this after all it's just a letter right? Wrong, it's our only way of communication. It's the only way to tell him about myself, to tell him of Ariel and to share some sort of life with him. I am aware things are not glamorous in prison, however I never try to get information from him. I always tell him to be careful, there are many people who care for him and would hate to see something happen to him. He rarely even tells me when he's sick. I hate that, yet I know he doesn't like to worry everyone in the outside!

'Your weakness in my opinion is your beauty and your short fuse!!! Your beauty simply because most men tend to never see beyond that!! And your short fuse not because you scare men away! Because a man who truly cares and loves you will never run away from you! But if short fuse is a weakness in all of us when anger raises and you lose your balance, you lose total control of yourself and by this in most cases you give the next person the edge!'

I asked Bagherra what my strength and weaknesses were in his opinion. His answers really got to me, not in a negative way. He never just listed them, he gave me an explanation as to why. Sometimes we forget ourselves what makes us weak, sometimes we tend to need a different perspective to see what's clearly in front of us. I've been just simply me for many years. I've lived a relatively loud life when I was young and now as I've grown older I've become very quiet, however one trait I've always kept was my anger. I lash out when I am mad. I gave Bagherra a bit of a warning, he's always responded it would take more than my temper flying off to scare me away. We all have weaknesses and flaws, no one in this life is perfect, in order to love someone, you must love them for strengths, weaknesses, perfections and flaws. Never use someone's weakness against them. Never try to play at their hearts strings. Hurting one person may punish the rest of us from seeing their true beauty. Find a way to strengthen your weaknesses and not seem so hard headed about your strength. Find someone who balances you out and gives you a reason to smile when the world feels like its crashing down on you and in return do the same for that special person. It's amazing what you can achieve when you bring a little more happiness into your life.

We all have a protective wall around our hearts and at time are afraid to let people in because we do not want to get hurt. We push those we love away because we think that's the better option. We forget to realize that the better option is to allow our heart to break and to hurt, we will never grow as people if we do not experience a lot of these things. We should never blame the last persons mistakes on the next person, nor choose to bottle all the hurt inside. When it comes down to it we hurt to know we are still alive, that we still feel just as everyone else does. We go through things in life we can not explain, yet years down the road we look back and the memory no longer haunts you, rather you smile about it because you know it made you a better person. We may be cold for awhile, however eventually we must move forward from it. We must take the good and push forward, if you do not you'll be stuck in a hole the rest of your life and never fully recover. First learn to forgive, then learn to move on without the hurt. Only you know how to do that. Only you can decide when you're ready to be in this type of relationship, remember to first let everything else go because this relationship will be a hard one, it will test you in ways you have never been tested before. You'll hurt, you'll cry and you'll make the memories you can look back and smile upon.

'To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.'

- Lewis B. Smedes

Letter Breakdown (06/06/2012)

This letter was full of emotion. We spoke a bit on him having a 'to life' sentence. It's difficult to imagine being in a long term relationship and never having the opportunity to go to sleep with that person and then wake up with them. It's hard to think of raising a family like that. We touched on how we want this to work out for us regardless of the dreaded 'to life' sentence. I have 2 quotes:

'Tinkerbell this is our relationship, friendship and little family! In my eyes and in my heart no matter if we or are not in a committed relationship we will always be much more than friends...'

Sometimes things happen in life we ourselves can not explain in words, rather we explain in reactions and how we live our lives. When entering a relationship there is always a chance that things will not work. Things happen, people change and too often we forget why we entered into the relationship in the first place. We doubt others, and often even doubt ourselves. We can be insecure and a little possessive. These are all the things that constantly effect relationships. I do it myself and as you can see I doubted myself and Bagherra. However I never stopped realizing what I had and why I put up with the downs in the relationship. Reality is sometimes not as good as your dreams, yet once you find something special you realize reality is, you just have to fight to make it better. Bagherra can't just go back to being friends, he's right, we will always be more than friends, so when I lose him I know I will lose him forever.

Baby you always said that if a man can’t handle your worst he doesn’t deserve your best! And to think that I can let you go when you love, gave me a beautiful daughter and fell in love with me at my worst it’s crazy! I’ll always love you and be here...

I never knew Bagherra outside if Prison. I met him while he was incarcerated, we built everything we have through letters. We shared everything through these letters, not just the good, we shared hurtful memories, sad and tragic times. Bagherra has seen me mentally breakdown in a letter and truly push him away. Regardless of how I pushed he hold me still and helped keep my head right. We've shared a lot of laughs, smiles, tears and pain, through these emotions Bagherra found love for Ariel, and then for me. I has no expectations for Bagherra when we begun to write, I had no idea what would happen, however I let it all unfold. I learnt so much about him in such a short time. It took 5 months for us to cross the love barrier. We never rushed anything. I gave him all I could offer, he did the same for me. I fell in love with an inmate, not just any inmate, a man I do not in anyway see as a violent offender, a man I see as a good hearted man.

Throughout our lives we will all grow. Some will grow individually, some will grow together and some will grow apart. Fact of the matter is we all grow and we all change. We realize the world is not as innocent as it seems, that there is no black and white, rather a large area of a shade of grey. We are not guaranteed tomorrow, hell we are not guaranteed the next 5 minutes. Live your life the way you want. Fall in love, get hurt and grow from it. Never be unforgiving and always give a little to get something back. Everything you do will effect someone. What you may see as innocent may truly tear someone else apart. I sit here and I write all these loving words for a man I am no longer with. I do this because that love is still there, however what he did is always on my mind. He hurt me, however I am not bitter. I learnt a valuable lesson and I didn't ask a lot of questions I should have from the start. I tried to forgive and I could not. I tried to understand why he would do what he did and I could not. My lesson has been learnt and I would never take it back. My heart is broken, yet still whole. I'm growing as an individual right now and maybe one day I'll be ready to grow with someone. Find what you want and always go for it, the person you are with will have dreams of their own, try to grow together and walk in the same direction, you'll be surprised that you won't have to shake your own dreams for someone else.

'As I look back on all that has happened: growing up, growing together, changing you, and changing me, there were times when we dreamt together, when we laughed together, when we laughed and cried together. As I look back on those days i realize how much I will truly miss you and how much I truly love you. The past may be gone forever and what the future holds. Our today's make memories of tomorrow. Therefore, it is with all my heart that I send you my love, hoping that you'll always carry my smile with you for all we have meant to each and for what the future may hold.'

-Unknown

Letter Breakdown (06/05/2012)

We spoke about what would happen if his family stood against us, if they would not accept this type of relationship. We also touched on a bit of my family history and the reason I kept him hidden from my family for so long. There are many things and people that have always stood in our way, yet we always came out together in the end. I have 3 quotes from this letter:

 

'Hermosa what we share is a strong will, a beautiful family, and a relationship full of struggle but our struggle none the less and our happiness to fight for! '

Sometimes in life we must make choices, and possibly some sacrifices. In order to make a relationship work you have to be willing to fight. Nothing worth anything in the life will be easy. We are tested on a daily basis to make sure we stay strong and at the end of the day when you lay your head down to sleep you can smile knowing you did what made you happy. I always press on doing what makes you happy, and I will always stand by this. Some people may not understand your happiness, however it is not for them to understand, as it is your happiness and not theirs. Bagherra and I struggle with the distance and the fact he is in Prison. Somehow, someway we do not let it drag us down. We find a way to stay positive, even if things are looking in a different direction. Choose the road that leads to your happiness and fight for it. Only you will know you made the right decision.

'We found something unique! We hold something special! Something that belongs only to us! And the only reason this relationship brings so much joy regardless of the distance and uncertainty is because we stand in this together!!'

A relationship is of two, it takes two people being 100 percent committed to one another to watch the relationship bloom. As of now Bagherra does not have a chance of Parole until 2052, and if he never gets parole he will die in Prison. This does not mean something will not change, there is always hope that his verdict will get over turned, or new laws will come out and change his sentence. These are the uncertainties we speak about. We do not know for sure he will ever come home. All we know is that there are still options and they may take a few more years to work themselves out. There is no guarantee in this life period. The only two certainties in life are life itself and death. Everything in between is what you choose to do with it, and remember not everything can be controlled or planned. Things happen in life and sometimes we do not understand why, however we do not let that define us as people. We push forward with a little thing called hope and we pray for the best. Nothing will ever work out perfectly, but you can make it perfect in your own eyes. Take the negative and turn it into a positive. Live life the way you see it and deal with it as it comes, all while having your goals and dreams pushing you forwards.

'Oh baby our love means a new beginning it’s a roller coaster of emotions!!! It means a smile a breath it means everything good in my life today! Our love means your smile and your happiness even if it takes away mine…'

I asked Bagherra to define what our love meant to him. I've always known that if I decided all hope was lost, or if I realized I couldn't bare to be in a relationship like that Bagherra of all people would understand. I knew it would crush him, yet he would sacrifice his own happiness for my own. This is love in it's purest form. Being able to say to the person you love that if you are no longer their happiness they will let you go to see you happy is hard, yet it shows the level of love you truly have for a person. When you're in love always remember that there is another person involved, that means it is not only your feelings invested, but someone elses too. For Bagherra and I this was a new beginning, something we both had not felt in our lives, it was hard at first, then it became almost easy. We had love to push us forward and family to keep us together. Realizing why you love someone is one thing, however realizing that person makes you better a totally different topic all together. Hold onto what you love, yet never be too harsh. Always remember they make you better, they make you whole and regardless of where they are in the world they are yours to borrow, not to keep. So treat them right and they will be yours forever.

It may seem like all our letters are of confession of love, but they are not. When I told Bagherra about this blog he asked that I hide names, keep Ariel out of the entries for the most part, and never get too personal. We share everything, the ups and downs, the tears and laugh, the madness and the smiles. We have developed a bond that draws us to each other and we found happiness in one another. I can be myself around Bagherra and not have to worry about him thinking I'm crazy, or that I'm not good enough. We both have flaws and we accept it. In order to love someone, you must first find perfection in their imperfections. When in a relationship like this we already know their biggest imperfection is the fact the are locked up, yet we who choose this life, choose to see past this. Instead of letting it break us down, we embrace it. Find what makes you smile, cry, laugh, and get mad. These emotions are what carries us. When we feel we know we are still alive, whether the feelings are good or bad, they are still feelings. Embrace someones imperfections and in return they will do the same. Choose something that is worth fighting for and holding onto forever. Most important find someone that you can be open with and someone you can express yourself to.

'You come to find love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perrfectly'

-Unknown